How To Be Poor And Unhappy

Writing this book How To Be Rich and Happy has been really cheering me up lately. Every time I spot something to be miserable about I get dragged back into the reality that life is great and these are really exciting times.

I feel such a hypocrite too after explaining the basics of misery with my posts How To Be Miserable and How To Be Even More Miserable.

Then I was struck by a wonderful idea. Rich and Happy is ok for some people I guess, but what about those that want to be poor and unhappy? I really shouldn’t neglect them because they’re people too and maybe you’re one of them.

I realize that some people have this nailed because I see so many of them, but if you’re not sure how to be poor and unhappy and would like some expert Life Coach advice, read on.

Get Rich Quick

If you get an e-mail telling you that you’ve won the Nigerian lottery, or some guy you never met in some country you never heard of has left you $390 billion in his will, reply immediately.

Just because somebody goes into great detail about being the wife of a dead billionaire and then signs the e-mail “Your Sister in Christ, Mr. Peter Larsen doesn’t mean it’s not true.” It’s probably just a typo and she meant Mrs.

Similarly, I’m sure the King of Spain does personally send out e-mails to people that have won the lottery. And it probably is possible to win the European lottery 16 times in a month even though you never bought a ticket, or even know where Europe is.

Send them as much cash as you can afford (borrow some if you are a bit broke at the moment) to close the deal then immediately book your world cruise – on plastic of course.

Chill.

If you live in Florida or any other hot place like I do you’ll know just how stifling it can get. Crank up the A/C to the max, especially if you go out for the day. That way when you get home you’ll have a lovely cool home to walk into. Same goes for your refrigerator, that dial has a maximum for a reason you know! Nobody likes warm beer, except maybe the Brits.

If the house gets a bit too cold, don’t waste energy walking to the thermostat, just pop a sweater on or wrap a quilt round you.

Don’t be upset if you live in the frigid UK, just reverse the process and get that central heating on at the first sign of a chill in the air. If it then gets a tad hot, just open a window because fresh air is good for you.

Social Media

I am sure you have a Facebook and/or Twitter account and boy can you utilize these in your quest to be poor and unhappy.

If you have just gone through, or currently going through, a messy relationship break up, Tweet about it. There will be lots of people dying to hear about why the person they never heard of is a complete bastard. They’ll be equally eager to hear all the crap sentimental songs you’re posting links to, and remember not to forget Gloria Gaynor and ‘I will survive’ because that is your song.

Always make sure your friends know you want as many photos of yourself half-naked, blind drunk and making out with small farmyard animals on Facebook. If they are tagged correctly this one thing alone can make you almost unemployable for the next decade leading to untold misery.

Cell Phones

If you play your cards right cell phones can be a huge source of unhappiness for you. Start by signing up for a tariff that you can’t quite afford for a phone you don’t really need but looks cool.

Then in your first month go crashing through your text and talk time limits. The savvy user can easily rack up $250 in extra charges in a month. If you’re a beginner and unsure of how to do this here are some tips:

• Text your spouse to tell them you have just pulled on to the driveway and will be in in 30 seconds
• Every time you text somebody follow it up with a call to check they got the text
• Always text at least 5 people every time you’re sat on the toilet
• Always phone missed calls back in case it was important
• Text whilst driving and make everybody else unhappy too as they try and avoid you weaving all over the Interstate.

The cell phone bonanza doesn’t end there either, your cell phone can help make you unpopular at work too!

Never ever turn you phone off at a meeting even when requested to do so. If it rings simply hold up your hand condescendingly indicating everybody needs to be quiet. Then nod sagely as your mum tells you that Aunt Enid has lost her reading glasses down the toilet again.

If anybody elses phone should ring, roll your eyes; sigh heavily and then say in a low but perfectly audible whisper “disgraceful”.

Visualize

This is something not practiced enough, in my opinion for those really serious about being poor and unhappy.  I mean, this technique is so effective it’s practically a given in terms of its success.

Starting with the first thought you have in the morning, and as often as possible all throughout the day, right up until your last thought at night, stay focused on visualizing as many things as possible that could go disastrously wrong

After all, you really could get held up by a dog with a gun, you could develop some life threatening disease from that supermarket trolley or you could get kidnapped by a Mongolian Goat Stroking cult.

Beginners to being poor and unhappy sometimes hesitate thinking these things just aren’t that likely to occur, but don’t let that stop you.

I realize there’s a greater chance of getting struck by lightning than for these things to become your reality, but don’t let that stop you from visualizing them as if they were real.  As a matter of fact, why not visualize the tragedies occurring AS you are getting struck by lightning? Now we’re rolling!

Beat the Jones’s.

You don’t want to keep up with the Jones’s you want to ram your success down their big fat ugly throats and hope they choke on it. If your neighbor gets a bigger TV, better car or buys a yacht, that means you need to go one better.

You know they’ll be laughing about you behind your back, so get the credit cards out and go on a shopping spree to make yourself feel better and then see who laughs last.

Save Loose Change.

Don’t worry, I’ve not lost my mind and gone all frugal on you. Have a large jar and toss any loose change you have into it. Then when you fill it, take it to your local Supermarket and pour it into one of those change converters you see by the door.

You get a whopping 93% of your money back! It’s a better and more efficient way to lose money than a trip to the Vegas where the slots pay out as much as 97%

Stay Vigilant

The last thing you want to happen is that you stumble upon something that might change your life for the better.  Stay vigilant because although you don’t want to hear it, there are solutions out there.

There is an actual formula for How to be Rich and Happy, and if you aren’t careful, the next thing you know, you’ll start discovering parts of it, and meet people who know it… The last thing you want is to accidentally start making that your reality, because sure enough, once that happens, I’ll tell you right now, you can kiss your poor and unhappy life bye bye.  And then what? Eh?

What do you do to keep the Rich and Happy wolf from the door? Le me know in the comments.