“You sound really stressed man”
Such was the comment a friend made to me on the phone the other day. I paused for a minute and was about to say, “Nah, I’m good, I’m a Life Coach” when I realized my wife had said the very same thing the previous day.
My initial reaction in both cases was to deny I was stressed, after all I wrote an e-book book on stress called ‘16 Ways To De-Stress Your Life” so what does that make me?
As I was about to answer I replayed the conversation I’d had with my wife in my head. Was there really anybody on planet earth better equipped to notice when I was stressed than her?
Was I in denial and presuming my qualifications as a Life Coach and having studied stress management made me immune from the vagaries of life?
Let me back up for a moment.
A couple of weeks prior to this my in-laws came to stay. Not only my mother and father-in-law, but also my sister-in-law and her 7 month old son. A house that usually contained two people and two dogs now contained six people, two very confused dogs and a heckuva lot of noise.
At around about the same time I had some financial issues to deal with brought on by some (more) unexpected medical bills and my (with hindsight) less than stellar decision to pour all my marketing efforts into promoting the How To Be Rich and Happy 1,000,000 Book Giveaway, rather than attracting new Life Coaching clients.
A large percentage of my business is referral, but even so, to stay full I have to attract clients through other means. Other than blogging, everything ground to a halt because hey, I was full and that was super cool and dandy.
Business doesn’t work like that though, and I should have known better. Having a pipeline of new clients is crucial to not just getting full, but more importantly, staying full. I’d committed the cardinal sin and got complacent.
I once said in a post titled The Recession Is Over that,
“If you throw me in a room full of miserable bastards, I will miraculously turn into a miserable bastard right before your very eyes.”
I think it would have been much more accurate if I’d said:
“If you throw me in a room full of stressed bastards, I will miraculously turn into a stressed bastard right before your very eyes.”
Whereas stress was never my middle name (mine’s way more embarrassing than that) there have been long periods of my life when it would have been very fitting if it had been.
It took a lot of hard work and commitment to get it under control over a number of years. So it’s really no surprise that under such testing circumstances and with my defenses taking a vacation it had snuck back in and was hiding in the laundry room of my mind.
The result was I wasn’t sleeping very well, I felt ran down and I was snappier than Gary The Gator after being told he’s not got the job as the nightwatchman on the chicken farm.
I can’t count the amount of times I have had something similar to:
“Yeh but you’re a Life Coach, it’s easy for you”
It’s almost as though taking on the role of life coach immediately absolved me from the day-to-day issues that normal people have to deal with.
Unfortunately, and even though some people in the self-development industry like to help perpetuate this ridiculous myth, it is just that, a myth. Life coaches are humans too and as such have the same shit to deal with as everybody else.
To think differently would be to presume dentists never get cavities, doctors never get sick and hairdressers never look like they’ve been dragged through a bush backwards.
As we say in How To Be Rich and Happy, stress really isn’t the issue. The issue is when we don’t take time to recover from it. The benefit of exercise and the reason it’s called eustress is because it has a built in recovery period.
Nobody gets on a treadmill and forgets to get off. However, some people get on the stress treadmill and either forget, or don’t realize, they can jump off.
So the conversations with my friend and wife served as a great reminders that it was time to revisit the things that allowed be to beat stress.
Except if I’m being honest I never will beat it until they nail the lid down on me, I’ll just deal with it.
Since you were reading my post the same time I was reading this post, you’ll totally get where I’m coming from lol.
I’m not a professional life coach (Although I work with one) but I don’t believe it’s about being perfect either (or at all). Matter of fact it seems through expressing my imperfections and sharing how I’ve dealt with them, people are able to find hope/answers through my story.
I remember Eben Pagan saying, “If you can explain someones problem to them better than they can they will automatically perceive you as the expert and seek you out for the solution.”
Sometimes I think this is accomplished through our own personal stories. (Like yours above)
I know coaching is about asking people the right questions and allowing them to come to the conclusion themselves. (They own it)
Truth? You being real with your shit is what makes you that much more attractive to current clients and perspective ones.
Personally, I like the transparency and dig the work.
Well reasoned dude.
Particularly like the doctors, dentists and hair dressers analogy. Where I live in the “trendy” part of London, all the hairdressers look like the victim of some awful Edward Scissorhands inspired Graffiti assault, with all kinds of bald patches and rogue colours in their hair, so that resonated nicely.
You raise a serious point though. I used to beat myself up a lot when I felt stressed because I write and talk about personal development all the time. I figured if I weren’t perfect, I was failing in my duties to mankind.
Now I know that everyone gets stressed, it’s how quick you can get yourself back on track that matters. I let myself feel how I feel now – naturally I wanna be upbeat and happy all the time, but when I’m not I embrace my inner miserable bastard and do something self indulgent instead.
As you surmised, this ain’t the end of the world.
I reckon the pers dev world should embrace this fact, rather than promising that if you do X you’ll be a smiling happy bunny for ever and ever.
Cheers dude.
Hey Tim,
I know what you mean – just because we know what we’re up against, and we know what causes stress and how to deal with it doesn’t mean we don’t get stressed ;).
I’ve found for me one of my weaknesses is if I don’t catch myself, I can very quickly go into denial and/or rationalize away that I’m not stressed – I’m just excited. Or everyone feels this way in this situation, etc. Those rationaliziations may be true, but they don’t change the underlying fact that I’m stressed =)
Hang in there Tim. Everything passing – including the visit from your in-laws.
Nice to see you don’t buy into the myth that everyone working in personal development is a superhero.
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This post was mentioned on Twitter by TimBrownson: I’m Stressed Senseless http://snipurl.com/uwuy0 Not all life coaches have perfect lives ;-)…
Now you’ve got me stressed Tim…
with questions like: ‘Do vets get fleas?’
@ Tony – Thanks a lot mate although obviously I’m appalled that I’m not your coach ;-)
@ Carl – Some of them have too much money and time invested in portraying their image that life is one big smile face.
@ Sid – Yep, cpnscioous awareness is what it’s all about and I lost that temporarily.
@ Ben – Count down has commenced.
@ Chris – I stopped getting my care serviced because I heard the mechanics car once broke down.
Just because we’re Coaches doesn’t mean we’re immune to life… I had someone in my mastermind group point out a couple of things to me recently – stuff I’d said to a client only the week before. Suddenly I realised that side of the fence wasn’t really a comfortable place to be, LOL.
Good on you for admitting to it and dealing with it. We’re all human and we’re all going to experience stress. As you said, it’s going to continue until they (who’s ‘they’ anyway?) nail the lid shut. It comes down to how we deal with it and you look to be doing a fine job of that.
I hope you went and told your wife that she was right…. ;-)
We’ll i guess dealing with stress is the best thing to do. With all the things that you have and need to do there will always be stress around the corner.
Honesty is always refreshing, Tim :-) now that you feel down from here on there is only way up, right?
That’s why you’re REAL and for some people out there, including me, the REAL aspect of being a human-being wins the day.
I’m glad you walk your talk – ermm I mean your writing (see sub headline on Tim’s Home page).
@ Melinda – You’re right it isn’t comfortable, but every now and then we can benefit from it to remind us what we have already gone through.
Time tends to blunt the edges and I’d forgotten how stressed I used to get, so much so that I’d even forgotten the tell-tell signs. Hopefully that’s it for another 5 years!
@ Jean – Not as refreshing as a cold beer on a hot summers day after a hard days work, but I get your gist ;-)
As a coach, I get what you’re writing Tim. Sometime ago, I came to the realization that I’m no different than my clients. That’s given me the perspective that I am fortunate to experience what they do because it gives me a chance to ‘practice what I preach’. Habit Number 7, eh? Sharpen the saw…
@ Charley – I presume you mean sharpen the saw and then attack my mother-in-law with it right? ;-)
Tim,
I think your post summarizes in these lines and you have beautifully conveyed the message.
“Nobody gets on a treadmill and forgets to get off. However, some people get on the stress treadmill and either forget, or don’t realize, they can jump off.”
Bye for now,
Cheryl
Well said Tim. I’m a basket-case and gave up trying to make people believe I was all teeth and smiles some time ago ;)
Although for a Brit I’m told I have pretty good teeth.
It’s so true that you can’t always be ‘up’ and that you can’t fool the people that you live with. Knowing that you were stressed and even knowning that the temporary stressors would go away (visit from in-laws, book launch,etc), what active steps did you take to destress? Did you go back and re-read your book for tips that could work in your circumstance.
When I’m stressed, I call a mental health day and stay home to deal with it by myself. No use forcing yourself on the innocent public when taking a day off can put things into perspective.
I quite like the quote about the treadmill. We all have choices in life. We can choose to stay on the treadmill or get off.
Karen
@ Cherly – Thanks and glad you liked the sentiment!
@ Steve – My teeth are crap, in fact in my Twitter link to a bio page, I say I only have one regret in life without saying what it is. Between me and you it’s that I never looked after my teeth as a kid.
@ Karen – Great question. I drank 4 bottles of wine and sobbed msyelf to sleep.
Maybe not, but I did do several self-hypnosis sessions and a LOT of reframing. I also took the dogs for some long walks and switched my computer off, which btw, I almost never do.
Well, I simply don’t believe it!
If Gary the Gator couldn’t get the job at the chicken farm then what hope have the rest of us got?!
I thought he’d be a ‘walk up start’. Another blatant case of speciesism!
Oh, BTW, nice to know you’re human Timbo… and send my regards to Gazza.
Cheers,
Gb
There are things we can do to relieve the stress in our lives. We can learn ways to calm ourselves through relaxation techniques.A variety of relaxation techniques help you achieve the relaxation response. Those whose stress-busting benefits have been widely studied include deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, meditation, visualization, yoga,etc.