There are two commonalities shared by many people that come to me for Life Coaching.
Firstly, they’re almost always tough on themselves. They tend to hold themselves to much higher standards than everybody else, and that includes loved ones. This is reflected in their self-talk and the eagerness with which they’ll beat themselves up after every perceived mistake. Some people can’t wait to tell me this. When I ask them if they’re tough on themselves a look of pride sweeps across their face. “Oh yeh, absolutely I am”
Five minutes later after they’ve sheepishly admitted 30 years of ritual self abuse has achieved nothing other than to make them feel crap, they’re usually more amenable to looking for more helpful and sensible options.
Secondly, and almost as frequently, is the belief that other people are more able to deal with the vagaries of life than they are. That everybody else has their shit together and they don’t.
I frequently explain to clients they really aren’t the first person to hate their job, feel overwhelmed on occasions or talk incessantly to themselves.
The last one is very common. Many a time I’ve heard something along the lines of:
“And another thing Tim, you’re really aren’t going to believe this” (with face-to-face clients I usually get a slow lick of the lips and a furtive glance around the room at this stage as though they are about to reveal the meaning of life), “But I talk to myself about this stuff………all the time!”
“Wow, that is weird. Who’d have thought anybody did THAT! I think we should bypass the life coaching and head straight for severing ties with your prefrontal cortex, don’t you?”
Every single person that has the ability to indulge in self-talk, does so. In fact some people spend years practicing just the opposite. If you don’t believe me, try meditating on your breath for 10 minutes. Think of nothing except your breath. I’ll wager if you’ve never tried to do it before you can’t get past 15 seconds without a thought barging it’s way into your mind.
Shutting off internal chatter is more difficult for most people than completing the New York marathon with a pair of very hungry ferrets stuffed down their underwear. The point is not to turn off internal chatter, it’s to turn it into something that’s helpful, supportive and makes you feel good.
Excluding very close family members, when you interact with other people they put on a mask. They’re only showing you the side of their personality they want you to see. It does not tell you what’s going on on the inside, and that is the important bit. Every now and then under certain circumstances (too much alcohol for example), the mask may slip, but it’s usually replaced pretty damn quickly when the realization hits home.
I have it on good authority that most people develop flatulence from time to time. I know, I know, of course you and I don’t, but most other people do.
How many times have you been in an important meeting and you’ve heard that noise followed by an oh so familiar fruity odor wafting its uninvited way into your nostrils? I bet hardly ever, and when it has happened it was a talked about long after the topic of the meeting was forgotten.
The reason being, nobody farts in important meetings unless they really have to or are caught unawares. In fact most people will do anything short of sew their ass shut to avoid such an embarrassment.
So if people will go to such lengths to avoid doing something so natural and common place for fear of being thought badly of. What do you think they’ll do to avoid letting it be known that they have panic attacks, suffer from chronic insomnia or like to wear the wife’s underwear and be called Susan on weekends?
It doesn’t stop there either. How many people do you know that are gay? I bet unless you yourself are gay it’s well below the national average generally accepted to be about 10%? I also doubt you know any people over the age of 12 that admit to incontinence or any men that brag about enthusiastically responding to the deluge of e-mail offers for wholesale Viagra. Or is it just me that responds to gets those?
If you think for a moment, I could have offered dozens of other examples, some of which are too embarrassing even for me to post about.
So where are all these people do you think?
I’ll tell you where they are.
They’re right in front of you.
They are your family and your work colleagues. They’re politicians and business people, athletes and celebrities. They’re members of academia, the arts, the clergy, the armed forces and Royalty. Especially Royalty!
In short, they are members of the human race because it’s the human condition.
I don’t care what issues you have, somebody has them worse and not getting help (if help is needed) because you think you’ll look silly, is er…..silly.
That isn’t meant in any way to belittle or demean your problems, it’s more to point out you’re not alone and never will be. Sometimes that knowledge alone can offer comfort.
Just this last week I had to stop working with some pro bono clients. Why? Because I’d got myself into a mess and I was really stressing myself out without even knowing it. Yep that’s right, the muppet that wrote ‘Stress is for Suckers’ was being a huge sucker himself. By the way, the book is still available for free until the end of this month if you’re interested.
I’d taken on so many free clients and other work I was struggling to meet my writing commitments and see paying clients. I didn’t even see it coming. It took a long chat with my wife after she pointed out the error of my ways (gently I might add) to realize the situation I’d got myself into. I’d stopped meditating daily (something I’d been doing for almost 2 years), I was feeling tired a lot of the time and I was being grouchy.
It was and still is, time to take action and reconnect with the reasons for me becoming a Life Coach in the first place.
I hope I’m not being overly dramatic or too self-indulgent. I just want to let you know that you’re human and you have issues. We all do even the Life Coach types that should really know better.
It’s not that we have issues that’s important, it’s how we deal with them.
I’m really excited to tell you, that I have an interviewing coming up with Bodhipaksa. I have been waxing lyrical about his meditation cd’s for some time now and it was great to connect on Twitter. For those of you that don’t know, he’s a Buddhist teacher and author.
I want to keep the questions informal and I’m sure I’ll have some more off the wall ones, but I’d also like your input if you’re interested. So if you have ever wondered what Buddhist teachers do all day or any other questions realting to Buddhism or meditation, drop me a note in the comments and I’ll see what I can do. A deletion to the first person that asks “What’s the sound of one hand clapping?”
question:
how does one maintain consistency (ie staying motivated), with meditation or any other daily practice?
Isn’t that human nature, to assume that others have it together way more than we ourselves do. I think that only by knowing that everyone is as messed up as we are can we break through the barrier and actually change things.
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Ok, how about “If a tree falls in a forest and…” no, never mind.
I’ve heard before that the more unique your embarassing condition you think is, the more general it is in reality.
Think about it… “The more unique, the more general.”
Chances are, your deepest darkest secrets that you think are completely unique to you are very common indeed.
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You make a fantastic point. A super obvious point – but one that, as you so rightly point out, we ALL bloody well forget. Repeatedly.
Thank you for reminding me (again), I appreciate it.
If a man makes a comment and his wife doesn’t hear him… Is he still wrong? ;-)
Just wondering… Maybe a buddhist would have some insight.
@ Emily – That is such a tough question. I think we have to turn anything into a regime to make it stick long-term. I got knocked off the rails and because my meditation was hit and miss it was the first thing that went by the wayside.
If for those 2 years I’d always meditated at 6.00am every morning for 30 minutes. Rather than sometimes doing it in the morning, sometimes the afternoon and other times the evening for varying lengths of time, I’d have been more likely to have stuck at it.
Motivation is a whole different ball game and that involves some ‘Values’ work to get the most out of it imho.
@ Writer Dad – I honestly don’t know, but it sure seems that way a lot of the time. It all boils down to our incessant need to compare ourselves.
@ Vlad – Wow I don’t feel too bad about that situation with the Afghan Goat and the jello now. Maybe I didn’t need to hush it up after all.
@ Si _ You’re welcome!
@ Ashvin – I don’t need to be a Buddhist to know the answer to that one. It’s not even really debatable, of course he’s wrong ;-)
Oh gosh, holding ourselves to much higher standard than we hold others is a big one.
And here’s the twist – once you realize how ineffective that really is, you expect yourself to be able to immediately stop doing it! Which is, well, yet another high standard you can beat yourself up over. Urg!
As you say, 30 years of self-berating is a hard habit to break.
There is so much great advice online Tim, your site chief among them. The trouble I’m having is knowing when to stop reading and start doing. And how. It’s like I’m standing at the edge of that cliff and i WANT to take that leap, but…well…I’m not.
What’s with that? Why am I (and, likely, soooo many other people) such a chump?
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I loved it when my aunt proudly proclaimed that she was the only one in our family without issues. HA! She was just the only one that didn’t admit she had issues. As a counselor I had once said, “We’re all a mess.” You are right in that the thing is are we dealing with them. I am proud to say that I have been working really intently the past few years to get to a better place. Right now, I am better than ever!!!
Hi Tim, I had to giggle when I read this post this morning, because that was what it was like. I even had very mixed feelings about letting you know that I didn’t feel all together. It did take several days at least for it to really sink in that the problem wasn’t that I had these issues but that I needed guidance in fixing them.
It did have a very positive, perhaps unintentional effect. A few weeks ago an old friend told me that one of the strengths in my writing was that I write about all the things that everyone does/goes through but nobody admits. Since I’ll probably always have problems, I’ll always have something to write about and am probably halfway on the road to fame and fortune!
(I will understand if you ask me to never, ever tell anyone that you coached me ;-p)
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Now that you stopped all that metaphysical/what is reality nonsense, I feel it is safe for to me start reading and commenting again.
Here in the UK we have a programme called “embarrassing illnesses”, its on Channel 4. THe gist of it being that seom cool, good looking doctors travel round the country holding roadshows. Where people who are too emabarrassed to go thier own doctor about some emabrrassing and what they think is unique problem, openly go on nationwide TV, just to be told its perfectly normal, happens to lots of people all the time and there is a nice simple treatment.
Perhaps you could do the same Tim, but with our mental problems “emabrrassing thoughts” perhaps as a title. Are you cool and good looking though, Tim….
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@ Rebecca – LMAO , that’s an excellent point!
It is tricky but it can be done though. You don’t have to get in to that downward (upward maybe?) spiral. It comes to the stage of shrugging your shoulders and laughing about it. I mean laughing with yourself not at yourself. That is a brilliant break state and shift changer.
@ Jeb – Firstly, do NOT jump off that cliff. That was a crap metaphor bud because just telling yourself that associates making a positive move in life with potential death. Seriously, think of a metaphor that doesn’t have your BP up around 180/100 and report back. In the meantime, stand in the corner in a pointy hat with a ‘D’ on it.
@ Laurie – Somebody telling me they don’t have issues would have me backing out of the room because they have lots of issues they just don’t know where to start.
@ Tracy – I coached YOU? Er, sorry I think you have me mixed up with another bald, aging Brit living in Florida.
@ Guy – Actually did you not spot the paradox in Rebecca’s response? Check it out!
That TV program sounds horrible and reminds me of people that go on Springer and then looked shocked when they find their husband of 30 years is really a drug-taking, Dr Phil-watching, women.
Yes I am cool and good looking. At least in my map of the world. Did I ever tell you about reality? Well it’s like this…..
DAMMIT STOP WRITING ABOUT ME EXACTLY. It has to be me because I’m the only one who is like this. Although when I wear the women’s underwear, I prefer to be called “Claire.”
Serious, great points. High standards motivate us, but they also cause us to beat ourselves up quite a bit.
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@ Johnny – Or should I say Claire? Your high standards don’t CAUSE you to beat yourself up at all. They allow you to JUSTIFY your beating yourself up, there is no direct cause and effect.