I was on Twitter yesterday minding my own business as much as I am ever likely to do when @norcross tweeted:
“If your life sucks, then you suck”
My immediate and somewhat flippant un-life coach like response was there must be a disproportionate amount of really sucky people in Haiti at the moment because a lot of peoples lives were sucking in a major way.
Andrew (who by the way I like and this is in no way an attack on him) responded with:
“It isn’t their life that sucks, rather, their situation. subtle, but meaningful difference”
Well I beg to differ in so much as all suckiness is situational. No person sucks in every single area of their life, I don’t care who they are.
If you lose your entire family and home in an earthquake that is indeed situational, but it’s something that will be with you for no fault of your own your entire life and nobody would dream to suggest it’s because you suck.
Well maybe Pat Robinson would, but let’s not go there otherwise I’m likely to lose my objectivity.
A couple of years ago I was reading my usual St Louis Rams message board reading up on what latest catastrophe had befallen by beloved Rams when I happened on a thread talking about defensive lineman, Jimmy Kennedy.
Coming out of college Kennedy was touted as a beast set to terrorize quarterbacks for years to come. As such he was taken with the 12th overall pick of the draft by the Rams and much was expected of him.
It didn’t pan out that way. In fact most Rams fans were prepared to wipe their hands of him after a couple of seasons. He was seen by many as being the epitome of a person with all the requisite talent to rise to the top of his profession, but without the work ethic necessary to maximize his potential
Consequently the Rams traded him for a 6th round pick to Denver, which is a bit like me buying a BMW M3 and trading it in for a Donkey 4 years later.
Within moments of this news being announced it had been confidently declared by a number of Rams fans that “Kennedy was just a loser” that he wasted his God given talent and would never amount to anything much above amoeba level.
What the hell does being a loser even mean? I really have no idea other than to say I don’t like it and found it rich coming from guys that find their satisfaction in life from pointing out other peoples shortcomings on an Internet message board.
Let me tell you what may have happened with Kennedy. I stress the may because I really have no idea about his upbringing or his desire to play football.
Kennedy is a huge man at 6’ 4” and 320 lbs, and no doubt excelled at sports in school. He was probably told from an early age that he was built for football and that he could have it all.
He would have been driven by family, friends and coaches to be the best athlete he could be and I’m guessing very little else was spoken about in terms of his future.
However, I highly doubt whether anybody ever asked him if football was what he really loved to do? I would be surprised if a coach pulled him to one side and said:
“Sure you’re a big, fast powerful man with a body to excel at football Jimmy, but is that what really drives you? Or are you being pressurized into following this path by other peoples expectations?”
It is way more likely he was guided by people with the best intentions towards playing football, playing football and playing football, with scant regard for his deeper needs.
Several months after Kennedy left the Rams a story was reported on the same message board. I can’t remember the exact details but it went something like this:
Jimmy Kennedy had been staying in a hotel and was in the lobby area late one night. A guy came in that had been mugged and had all his money stolen.
Apparently he was talking to Kennedy for some while before Kennedy excused himself and left. Shortly after he returned and handed the guy a stack of cash he had just withdrawn from am ATM. He then left again and never even told the guy who he was. Apparently it was somebody else who told him afterwards.
Amazingly the people that had previously dived in to label Kennedy a loser, were all of a sudden heaping praising on him and saying what a great guy he was.
So which is it, is he a loser or a winner? Does he suck or succeed?
Looking at somebody and deciding for one reason or another they suck is a recipe for misery. You can only ever make that decision by judging them, their beliefs, their values and their entire life to date based on your own beliefs, values and entire life to date. And then concluding yours is better and more righteous, thus giving you the right to judge other with impunity.
How ridiculous and arrogant is that?
Well probably not that ridiculous in so much as we pretty much all do it, at least occasionally. But if we can recognize when we’re doing it and resist the urge to pin labels like ‘sucker’ ‘loser’ ‘low-life’ and ‘waster’ on people, so much the better.
If your life is currently sucking then it may very well be because you have made some poor decisions (or in the case of people in Haiti, it may very well not).
But it doesn’t mean YOU suck, because you don’t and I’m not prepared to listen to anybody that says any differently. Seriously, I’m not.
In fact, it doesn’t even mean ALL of your life sucks at the moment. There will usually be a few areas it does suck quite well (for me it’s my golf game), but more importantly there will always be areas you or your life doesn’t suck even if you sometimes can’t, or don’t want to see them.
I understand what Andrew meant with his comment, just as much as I understood what the kid wearing the t-shirt with “Failure Is Not An Option’ on it at the mall the other day meant. I just happen to disagree with both.
What do you think, do you believe that some people just flat out suck and are born losers? Or do you think it’s more complex than that?
The video below is the response that I shot before I decided I want to write a post too.
I was also interviewed by Koren Motekaitas this last week and if you are so inclined you can listen here.
Finally, some nice bloggers have got together and produced an e-book called Love Everyday. You can read more by visiting Simple Marriage and best of all, it’s free.
Tim Brownson is a Certified Life Coach and has been unsticking people and helping them reach their true potential since 2005. If you would like to know how he can help you
It may be an issue of semantics. Looking back at my original tweet, I should have added a few words. The full version of my thought was, “If you think your life sucks, it’s because you suck”. I’ll be the first one to admit that I’m not a rainbows and sunshine kind of guy. I like dark humor, disturbing artwork, and music that some consider angry. But I do believe in the power of positive thinking. Carrying a defeatist attitude is the quickest way to ‘sucking’ in life.
That being said, I’ve met a few people that, well, suck. And it isn’t external reasons that they have no control over, rather, they aren’t willing to change their surroundings or remove the toxic people / places / things out of their life. While at their core they might be good people, they aren’t allowing that to happen.
Oh, and I’d argue that folks like Pol Pot, Stalin, etc certainly DID suck. Down to the root of their being.
Recently, I read a blog about Andre Agassi and the confession he gives in his autobiography. He declares he hated tennis all along, but being pushed by the environment, he learned to hide his disgust. If it is true, it is a very extreme example of not sucking in something you hate.
To answer your question – yes, it is complex. Or rather than that – “be unassuming, because you can never know”
@ Norcross – I think we’re gonna have to agree to disagree on this one mate. I’ve seen too many people that thought they sucked to know that it’s different in every case and way too complicated to sum up a persons entire identity with the phrase “they suck”
As I sad above about being a loser, I don’t even really know what it means.
I remember reading a biography on Stalin a few years ago called (I think) Man of Steel. He certainly was a fucking lunatic and sociopath, but he also had a torrid time in growing up that undoubtedly shaped him. What I’m saying is he wasn’t born that way (although he may well have had a strong disposition towards mental illness).
And he did do some things that weren’t totally sucky like creating Pravda. Pol Pot I’m not so sure about because other than reading The Comedians by Graham Greene which was about the Tonton Macoute I don’t know much about him. I bet he loved his mom though. Editors Note: What a muppet I only managed to get Haiti and Cambodia mixed up! I was thinking of Papa Doc. Although he was a mad bastard too, just not quite as mad as Mr Pot).
@ Tom – Yeh I heard about Agassi, amazing stuff when you consider his drug use as well. And I agree 100%, we just never know.
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I guess it is better to label the person’s actions to be sucky rather than person as a whole.
It’s great when you see a difference between the two, compare:
a) it hurt me what you said
and
b) I don’t like what you said and therefore you’re an idiot
Super cool post, indeed!
Judging and prejudices are pretty lame “easy” way for majority of people to hide their own flaws.
It is much more difficult to feel and understand the others.
When I have been told 6 months ago, that “I suck”, my response was just smile;-)As i understood, why that person said what he has said..he was just uninformed;-)
yesterday I have recorded following video for others who have been told too, they can’t do something because they suck…if you have spare 5 mins, here it is;-)
http://ivanasendecka.com/2010/02/08/bodyguard-for-your-dreams/
cheers from Slovakia
[...] You Suck? If you answered yes, you may want to read this because you're wrong. __________________ Self Development For People With A Sense Of Humor A [...]
I think I’m going to go with Tim here that it is indeed way too complicated to sum up a persons entire identity with the phrase “they suck”.
Every person takes up many roles in life – husband, friend, son, employee, business partner, father, cousin, uncle, golfer, investor, etc, etc. To say that a person sucks, then he’d have to suck in all his roles in his life. He may suck in a few of his roles (e.g. poor father, bad employee, lousy golfer) but he may not necessarily suck in all his roles, thus nobody can say that he sucks as a person in his entirety.
Cheers~
Mark
Absolutely Tim, we need to discern between the human being and the behaviour (like making decisions). When we judge the behaviour and therefore the human being, how can we connect with the other person? We can’t. Judgements disconnect. And if we don’t discern, we reduce the human being to a machine which is a sad thing to do. Thanks for bringing this up. I think you should use more video, it sounds pretty powerful.
It’s certainly been my experience that no-one sucks. Gutted! ;)
@ Tom – That’s exactly it, nicely worded.
@ Ivana – Thanks for dropping by and I checked your video, very cool, well done you!
@ Mark – That’s what I like, people agreeing with me. Anybody that doesn’t must suck ;-)
@ Peter – Very well put, thanks!
@ Mark – Gutted? How come?
Well Tim, what can I say… eloquent, to the point, well illustrated by examples…and a very salient reminder that even the person/people you despise most in this world have value (if even you don’t want to see it).
Hi Tim – your haircut is fine and I don’t really like that the word “suck” is now a regular part of our vocabulary; maybe that’s just me being all stuffy and old-fashioned. That said, I think you’re smart, thoughtful and pretty cool, really. You’re very effective on video. And I’m not sucking up at all (oh, dear, I’ve said it!)
Great discussion here – my thought is that no one is doomed unless they believe it so – despite illness, earthquakes or other hardships, we all have the power to do good and do well. What seems a bit unfair to me is that those of us who had the good fortune to be born in an advantageous location have such a head start, myself included. I’m grateful for it, though.
This entire conversation made me stop to recall a meeting I was in many, many years ago at Fortune 500 which shall be nameless. A regional VP had just delivered a stem winder of a speech about some new product and as he finished up he was getting louder and more animated. His final sentence was, “And, you would have to be a total loser not to want to own this *********.”
From the back of the room a hand shot up. The VP looked at the sales rep who happened to be from southern West Virginia and excitedly said, “Yes, Joe! What do you have to say.”
Joe then slowly stood up and looked at the VP whose name was Ray and in a drawl I’ll never forget said, “Ray – there are a lot of losers out there.”
As you might imagine, the room burst into laughter (I don’t recall seeing Joe around much after that.) and the meeting was over.
I think our culture emphasizes winning as being the only thing that matters so we believe that if you’re not a winner (as defined by others) that you have to be a loser. Growing up in the Ohio Valley in the 60′s, I believed that you either play football or you’re a loser. You’re either part of the in-crowd or you’re a loser. You either meet the expectations set by your parents or – well you get the idea.
We put tremendous expectations on children to be something – someone – we thought we should be. And, when they can’t or don’t even want to meet them, who is the real loser?
Regardless of everything else, I think it’s safe to say that Pol Pot and Stalin were evil people.
And I’m sure the families, friends and victims of Pol Pot and Stalin would certainly categorize them as such, also.
As far as their life circumstances growing up — lots of people experienced really shitty life circumstances growing up, that doesn’t always translate to doing unfathomable crimes against humanity. In fact, some of the greatest people to ever live grew up with the worst of circumstances.
*families and friends of those who were tortured/killed by them.
Oh… and by the way: I don’t think anything I said necessarily is in opposition to anything you said — just putting in some of my own 2 scents.
Also… I got a pretty fast trigger finger when it comes to commenting sometimes.
@Tim Apologies, I had nothing sensible to contribute so I resorted to being vulgar. Great video BTW.
Weird post yet entertaining. No-ones a loser in my eyes – just learning.
You’re right Tim.
Sucking or the appearance to suck is relevant to the thing that you may be sucking at, at that moment in time. You don’t actually suck though, you’re just using a badly chosen word to describe something.
The language we use is so important to where our focus goes. Focus determines reality is a saying I live by. If you think someone or something sucks or is boring then you’re focussing on that and potentially you’re drawing other people’s focus on to that.
We had a cooker fitted yesterday. It’s taken 4 weeks to get to the point of having it fitted and while the gas man was in the house doing it he kindly condemned my boiler for me so we have now have no heating or hot water until later today. Now the gas man didn’t suck and the boiler didn’t suck but the situation wasn’t great. Can’t change it. All we can do is move forward.
Life and people don’t suck generally. We’re just focusing on the wrong things.
@ BF – Well I think we have left the original topic behind in a the rear view mirror, but happy to answer.
I’m sure nobody doubts what a pair of nutters Stalin and Pol Pot were. You could throw any number of dictators and sociopaths into that particular pot too if you wanted such as Hitler, Idi Amin, Papa Doc, Hussain and lots more from countries that were victims of genocide like Serbia, Rwanda, Indonesia, China, Sudan and lots more
However, this is the bit it’s tough to get your head round. You either accept what I say is true and don’t judge them as losers. Or you presume it’s wrong, and do.
There is no middle ground here, because if there is it is you (or whoever) that decides where to draw the line and at what point judging becomes ok.
When I look at it that way, I have trouble with it myself, big trouble, but it’s the only logical and honest way to do so imo.
BTW, I don’t believe they were ‘evil’ per se because evil is just a man made concept that really doesn’t exist in nature. I do think they were insane though.
@ Mark – No apologies needed mate.
@ Craig – You’ve just described me, weird but entertaining.
@ Ben – Yeh but it sucks being cold, that’s why I left Derbyshire! Maybe suck should be a verb and nothing else and that would sort it.
Yeah, I agree that it’s pretty presumptuous to say that someone’s life “sucks.” One of my favorite quotes to this effect:
“Criticism is born of ignorance.”
The same is true of someone who decides that their own life sucks. Clearly they don’t have all of the information :)
One word – brilliant post. Ok, that’s two words. I do suck. ; )
Seriously, really, really well done Tim.
[...] You Suck!: Great post by Tim Brownson and don’t worry he’s not going to really tell you that you [...]
@ Samantha – Absolutely!
@ Bill – Thanks a lot! BTW, you’d love What Would Google Do? It really blows up the old rules of doing things in business and has some parallels with your own book in terms of insisting people have to think differently.