I must confess haven’t had a great week in terms of productivity. I had planned to have the 2nd draft of ‘How To Be Rich and Happy’ finished by Thursday and it still isn’t done. Following up from losing most of Wednesday to nasty, smelly plumbing issues, and then a 5 minute video shoot on Friday taking 6 hours, I had problems with my car again this weekend.
When I was writing about the worst companies I have ever dealt with I have no idea where my head was at to forget Toyota. I’ve had two Toyota’s and they are without doubt the worst two cars I have owned in the last twenty years, but don’t let me set off down that road again, or we’ll both be here all day.
On Saturday morning I was planning on rewriting the chapter in my book called ‘Shut The Duck Up’ and use it as a post. Self-talk is an area of self development I haven’t looked at in a while and I really like the idea of a miserable quacking bad tempered duck as a metaphor for our internal voice.
Unfortunately, the car problems meant I never had chance to do much more than gaze at posters telling me how wonderful Toyota are and watch desperate, sad-faced salesmen (and yes they were all men, I never saw another women sales person which is remarkable when you think how brilliant women can be at sales) corner and pounce on even more desperate, sad-faced customers.
I was idly scrolling through the e-mails on my phone and found a message from Ali Hale. Ali was actually on my original list of young up and coming bloggers and I only left her out because her blog was down at the time and I didn’t want people to click through to a holding page. Well it appears it is back up again and better than ever.
Reading the post she sent me was spooky, because the first thing it does is mention ‘Shut The Duck Up’. It then goes on to talk about a lot of the stuff I was planning to cover. Wow, how cool is that? I thought, I don’t have to write the post now, because Ali has done it for me. Suddenly the coffee wasn’t quite so dire, the sales people quite so scary or my car quite so crap. In fact all was good in the world and so is this post.
Who’s Inside Your Head?
Remember Jiminy Cricket in Pinocchio? Well, rather than having an imaginary cricket on my shoulder, I have an imaginary Tim…
Tim is the counter-voice to the duck. (And if you don’t know what the duck is, you need to read “Shut The Duck Up” in Tim’s fantabulous book Don’t Ask Stupid Questions: There Are No Stupid Questions).
Tim is that voice that urges you on when you’re confused, or stuck, or scared.
And if you don’t yet have an imaginary Tim on your shoulder, here’s why you need one:
Tim Stops You Making Excuses
I sometimes wish there was a prize for “most crap excuse for not doing something awesome”, because I think I’d be a dead cert. I come up with excuses like this:
- Oh, it’s too much effort to go to Toastmasters. It takes an hour to get there…
- My knee feels kinda off. Not painful, just a bit, you know, knee-ish. I’ll skip the gym today.
- I’ll get on with my novel, honest, just as soon as I’ve done cleaning the dishes … and alphabetised my book collection … and checked my email …
My imaginary Tim says “bullshit” and I’m pretty sure the real Tim would never say “bullshit” to his coaching clients. (Editors Note: I think he probably would)
My imaginary Tim asks some of the great questions that the real Tim does ask, though. Questions like:
- What’s the end game? (I actually have this one and four others pinned on my notice board)
- How often do you presume you know what somebody is thinking even when they haven’t told you?
- What would have to happen for you to be able to do that?
- What else can this mean?
- What can I learn from this?
Tim Gets You To Go Easy On Yourself
Do you beat yourself up about stuff? Does your duck love to quack on and on about how crap you are, how everyone secretly hates you, and how you should really just go back to bed and hide under the duvet, cos you can’t screw up too much there?
Having an imaginary Tim can stop this sort of black spiral dead. After all, he said right here on his blog, “The key to self-development is being kind to yourself.”
When I think “crap, I’ve let down a friend, she must really hate my guts now” my imaginary Tim says something along the lines of “You can’t know what she’s thinking. And you’re allowed to make mistakes.”
Tim Stops You Using “Should” and “Need to”
This might just be my thing … but having talked to Tim about NLP, I decided there was some stuff I could definitely agree with there. English literature and writing are my big things: I know words matter. I know the right words can make people cry, laugh, accomplish great things.
Yet, it took Tim to make me realize that the words I use often aren’t doing me any favours.
So now, when I think I really need to clean the kitchen, my imaginary Tim says, What is the reason for saying that you “need” to? What’s going to happen if you don’t? Will UN health and safety inspectors swoop in and sentence you to a year’s hard labour scrubbing floors?
Good point, Tim, I think. And I’ll rephrase it as what I really mean; I want to clean the kitchen because clutter and mess drag my mood down.
And if I think, “I really should agree to be on that new subcommittee at church”, the Tim voice says, Who says so? Would it all collapse and fall apart without you? Would the four horsemen of the apocalypse be unleashed upon the unsuspecting citizens of the rather hippy-liberal East Dulwich?
Probably not. (Damn, another blow to my ego.)
Tim Helps You To Reframe
This may not be news to you: sometimes, stuff happens that we’d rather hadn’t happened. Things like this:
- You lose a £20 note while you’re out shopping
- Your bike gets stolen
- Your perfectly innocuous blog post gets some crazy comments that erupt into a flame war
These have all happened to me. They’re all things that have made me run around like a headless chicken, with the duck quacking away about what an idiot I am, how I suck, how bloody irritating the situation is, etc…
Tim is master of the reframe. I learnt the word from him: I think I already knew the technique (I used to think of it as “every cloud has a silver lining”), but having a word helps me remember to actually use it. When I’m in a big black mood about something that’s gone wrong, my imaginary Tim says reframe.
(You can’t throttle an imaginary Tim, even when it tells you cheerily to reframe when you’re in the nastiest, blackest, moodiest mood possible.)
So here’s the reframes:
- Hopefully, someone found that £20 note who actually needed it a lot more than you did. And hey, that gives you an idea for a short story…
- Your bike was knackered anyway, and kinda small: you’ve had it since you were eleven. At last you can justify buying a new one!
- You handled the “flame” comments without making an ass of yourself. And the blog editor was amused, not annoyed. (Phew!)
I’m guessing that, by now, this imaginary Tim is starting to sound like a handy thing to have around. So where the heck do you get one? (No, it’s not from IWantOneOfThose.com)
Your Very Own Imaginary Tim – $0.00!
I’ll let you into a secret here. Your imaginary Tim might not actually be called Tim. Your imaginary Tim might be called Naomi, or Charlie or Leo.
Your imaginary Tim should be someone who you like. Someone who gives you great advice that actually works for you. Someone who’s kind and has your best interest at heart (remember, your imaginary Tim/Naomi/Charlie/Steve/Leo needs to be able to counter the Duck…)
Pick someone. Could be a blogger, an author, someone at your church, one of your parents, a close friend.
(Hint: if they’ve ever coached you, or had a coach-like relationship to you, that’ll probably help. I only acquired an Imaginary Tim after a couple of coaching sessions with the real Tim. You might also want to pick someone who like Tim, in Naomi’s words, “has a really hot voice.”
Now, whenever you’re feeling uncertain, confused, stressed out, or just a bit lazy, think what they’d say. What advice would they offer? What encouragement would they give you?
You see – deep down, we all know a lot of this great advice. We know what we really want to do, what would take us forwards in our lives. Getting out of our own heads – and listening to an imaginary Tim (or whoever) – is just an easy way of focusing on that positive voice inside us.
Do you have an imaginary Tim? Am I a complete freak of a fan girl who’ll scare Tim off from ever visiting the UK again? And should I start paying Tim for all this imaginary coaching and support?
Check out Ali’s sexy new site here, and read about the writing services she has to offer for bloggers. Also if you are on Twitter you can follow her here.
For anybody that in interested in the special life coaching offer I’ve been running. I have only 1 place left for August and that will be it for a while. September is always a busy month for me and will be even more so with the launch of ‘How To Be Rich and Happy’. So I’ll be putting this on hold indefinitely. If you want that last spot contact me here and we can talk.
As I approach half way mark on my brain experiment I haven’t really noticed much difference. I’ll be back with a full update when I have concluded.
Tim Brownson is a Certified Life Coach and has been unsticking people and helping them reach their true potential since 2005. If you would like to know how he can help you
Just wanted to say HI. I found your blog a few days ago on Technorati and have been reading it over the past few days.
It is quite disconcerting how easily Tim gets inside ones head, I am beginning to think that he has implanted some subliminal coding into that book of his.
Really enjoyed this post, I think you really summed up how an imaginary Tim is useful in those situations when you need a gentle kick up the arse, or not so gentle in some cases :)
Claires last blog post..I want to ride a bicycle and stuff
Great post. I love the idea of having a positive voice in my head. Unfortunately, the voice in my head (in addition to my own) is mocking and condescending and has been there since childhood. Sad and disturbing, I know. Replacing it, or at least combating it, with something positive sounds pretty great.
How funny, I write imaginary emails to Tim all the time. Then I realize I’ve no blog material and post them. Tim has really reached mythological proportions in our house.
I think there really is something to giving a voice and persona to your positive voice. It makes it so much easier to have a conversation with it.
Sorry you had a bad week Tim, mine wasn’t the best either. This week is either going to be better or if it’s worse, at least we’ll have the happy memories of last week to look back on.
Tracys last blog post..A bunch of random items
Great post Ali.
Who’s Steve though? (Its not that Pavlova bloke is it? My mum makes the best Pavlovas…ever)
As for imaginary Tims, I am seeing visions of tens, hundreds, thoughsand of Tiny Tims multiplying and taking over the world.
A bit like baby Shreks in Shrek 3.
Not a pretty thought.
I’m sorry hear you had a bad week tim(and tracy), just to make you feel better ,mine was great, what with me being a famous movie star and all. Well if you call standing in a freezing rockpool in the North Sea with hermit crabs biting my toes, whilst being told off for over acting(with my eyes!) by a demanding German director great!
guys last blog post..Dragons Den Revisited
@Claire and @Tracy – Hmmm, Tim even ADMITS to be an “NLP Master Practitioner” … do you think we’ve uncovered something?!
@Kelly – I’ve found that making a real effort to combat that harsh, critical voice is essential. Call it a liar (it is!) I had a very loving and close family, but was bullied a lot at school as a teen, and I still have to fight those negative voices off.
Hope you can start finding that positive voice too. I’ve found that stepping outside my head a bit and thinking “if I was giving encouragement to a friend, what would I say?” helps me.
@guy I think I originally had a link to Steve but Tim said (rightly!) that my post was teeny weeny bit link-heavy… It is Pavlina (or Pavlova, hehehe).
The image of Tims taking over the world is a bit disturbing…
Sorry to hear about various people’s bad weeks! Glad that my guest post arrived at the right time for Tim, at least :-) Tracy, hope this week is picks up for you, too!
@ Bruce – Hi!
@ Claire – Cluck like a chicken
@ Kelly – Now you know you can change it! Seriously, you can do what ever you want with that voice. Make it a different person, give it a different tone and pace and even chage what it says.
You can also play about with where the voice is. I know that sounds weird, but my guess is that when you are giving yourself a hard time the voice will have a different location inside your head to when you aren’t.
See if it is coming from the back, front, side, in stereo or mono, or even from outside your. It has to come from somewhere if you take the time to tune in with it and play about.
Really excellent article from Ali that explained some very important points clearly.
@ Tracy – LMAO, probably the best reframe I have ever heard! We wont need it though because this week will be brilliant!
@ Guy – If I tell you mate, Ali had more links in than the first post you sent me, you’ll know what I mean ;-) And c’mon, was I ever going to send traffic to Pavlova? Doubtful ;-)
Speaking of which I had an e-mail from him the other day. No idea how I got onto his list but the end bit made me laugh my arse off.
If you wish to support my work directly, please make a donation because it enables me to spend more time on activities that make a positive difference in people’s lives. Your support is greatly appreciated. The most typical donation is $10.
Oh really Steve, can I donate some money to help you pay for your multi-million dollar home so that you can give your books away and coach for free?
Hang on a minute, you charge for your books and last time I looked coaching was $500 per hour. And not only that your seminar thingy is $500 and you charge for public speaking too. What is this great work I am enabling prey tell? From what you say your blog brings in a shit load of affiliate money also and you seem a really wealthy guy to me that profits from everything you do?
I guess I could be wrong though ;-)
@Tim 1. The Pope lives in the Vatican and could get one heck of a sweet book deal, product endorsements, etc yet people still send him money, so don’t be judgin’! ;-p
2. This week really has to be better, last week I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. A real one, not an “oh I want attention” style one. You know that feeling where you just feel completely overwhelmed and helpless and just want to claw out of your body?
Then I spiked a fever and my throat started hurting and my lungs felt heavy and full and I was like “Whew! I’m just sick!” and that was a huge relief.
Which leads to:
3. I think we should make a doll of you that says “If you can’t do anything else, just wait a bit and see what sorts itself”. You know, because I find that even if you never said that, it’s very true (at least in my experience).
Not that you should always be waiting, but sometimes if you’re in the complete flusters, that’s the thing to do.
If somebody double dog dares me, I will make such a doll and go on that inventor’s program and see if they give me a grant to manufacture them.
4. Ali, not only did I enjoy the content of your post, I think your writing style is wonderful. I forgot to say that last comment.
Tracys last blog post..A bunch of random items
Bawwkkkkkkkkkk! (Not sure how to type in chicken, but I did use my nose).
@Tracy I will draw the doll and you can make it. If all else fails it will make an awesome voodoo doll :)
Claires last blog post..I want to ride a bicycle and stuff
@Tracy Thanks! :-) I love guest posting because it means I get to be a tad more experimental in style (I enjoy my paid blogging, but I tend to stick close to the “house style” of blogs, and they don’t have quite such a zany house style as Tim’s…)
@Tim I found a lot of Steve’s stuff really helpful a couple of years ago – his 2006/2007 writings. More recently, I have to say I’ve been pretty turned off. I found a lot of good stuff in his book (will get round to reviewing it at some point on Aliventures) but I really wasn’t convinced by his idea that he had found THE personal development answer…
@Claire @Tracy I think there must be a market out there for a life coach voodoo doll. Finally, someone you really CAN blame when your life sucks! ;-)
Great post Ali. Having a positive voice balancing all the negativity sure helps when work has decided to pile up because my usually wonderful clients are not listening to their Tim and as a result giving the freelancer a hard time.
In times like these, depending on how urgent the work is, I get told to take a break and/or a power nap. Other times, it tells me to suck it up and think of how good it will feel to hit bed at the end of the day knowing everything was done.
Never fails to get me on track.
Of course there are times when Tim and I aren’t on speaking terms and he gets ignored.
Samars last blog post..It’s called freelancing: How would you deal with these situations?
You know, that part of our brain that thinks that way? Martha Beck calls it the ‘lizard brain’.
I call it “the voice of my mother.” (HA! Kidding! I love my mom! Only I’m not kidding because it really is her voice. ha)
Thank you for the post, Ali.
It’s a good one!
All the best!
deb
Deb Owens last blog post..the sound of settling (challenge yourself)
@ Deb – Oh my god, I didn’t write the ‘It’s my mother’s voice instead of Tim’s’ because I thought I was the only one.
Such a relief to know I’m not alone! :D
Samars last blog post..It’s called freelancing: How would you deal with these situations?
It’s hard to kick “should” and “need to” from my thoughts. I’ve still got a bunnch of junk to work through with that.
Jannie Funsters last blog post..Yep, Problogger Darren Rowse And Me – We’re Like This. Like This, I Tell Ya.
@ Samar and Deb – Having the voice of a parent is incredibly common although some people never even realize in until they bother to tune in.
@ Jannie – It’s even harder if you tell yourself it’s hard ;-)
Check this out http://sn.im/dgz4z
I call it my “Dark Passenger”. Its like having someone I cant make out under the hat and cloak in the backseat of my car.
Every time I come to a crucial moment in my life, that bastard leans forward and puts his hand on my shoulder. The resulting self doubt, or moment of introspection has cost me on an occasion or two. Occasionally he helps me kick some serious ass. Who the hell does he think he is?
I have dragged that bastard from the back seat of my car recently and beaten, nay, flogged him soundly. The problem is, he is me, he is my dad, my mom, my siblings,my friends, my neighbors, my teachers, and yes, occasionally he is Tim Brownson.
Here is the thing. I flogged my “dark passenger”, but now I know that he is there for better AND for worse, and I accept him for the role he plays. He is me. I calmly look at him and tell him to shut the F up from time to time now.
Great post.
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Tim,
I found your blog about a week or so ago and it is great! You really have me thinking. I wish everyone would read your blog. People could learn a lot!
Keep writing,
A fellow Brit in Texas
Ali,
Thanks for the good read.
I have a little friend on my shoulder now thanks to you!
Tim,
Sorry about your plumbing!
Keep up the good work.
Jake
@ Mike – You just scared the shit out of me!! Maybe ask the guy to loosen up and take his hat off? See what music he likes and even ask him to hop in the front for a chat?
@ Louise – Thanks a lot! If you’d now make it your lifes mission to spread the word I’d be very grateful ;-)
@ Jake – I didn’t hold you responsible for my plumbing, but thanks anyway ;-)
Tim,
I did that, we listen to the XM comedy channel together now. Holy Crap, did I just propagate my “Im talking to myself” post? Good grief!