Somebody posed the question on Twitter the other day and I’m paraphrasing because I can’t remember the exact wording, but it went something like this:
“How long does it take for you to trust somebody?”
My immediate response was one of bewilderment as the question acted like a brilliant pattern interrupt on me.
A pattern interrupt is a technique that is frequently used in hypnosis. It’s purpose is to confuse the conscious mind for a few seconds with a non sequitur. A sentence that doesn’t quite make sense, but at the same time sounds like it should and isn’t so preposterous that it can simply be dismissed out of hand.
That way, with the conscious mind tied up trying to understand what the hell is going on, it’s possible for the hypnotherapist to communicate directly with the unconscious. Or at least that’s the theory.
A brilliant example I’ve heard a couple of times is:
“Remember a time when it was easy for you to forget something”
It’s difficult to hear something like that without thinking “WTF???”
Then when the subject is momentarily confused the hypnotist can deliver the message she really wants to drive home such as you can now drift into a deep sleep, stop smoking, lose 100lbs, hug tarantulas and give me all your money.
Well maybe not all those at once, but the sleep one is often used at this stage to help the trance induction.
After all, we all know how to sleep and we can easily obey that command and remove the uncomfortable feeling of confusion created by the pattern interrupt.
So anyway, I was looking at the question on Twitter and it must have been a full 5 seconds before I realized it didn’t make any sense to me for one simple reason. There was a presupposition that everybody takes a certain amount of time to build up trust and it wasn’t true, it was a sweeping generalization.
It doesn’t take me any length of time to trust anybody, because I automatically have faith in people. My default is to trust people until I have good reason to the contrary.
A couple of times very recently this approach has bitten me on the ass. As such it would be easy to say my trust was misplaced and I learned my lesson to the tune of a few hundred dollars.
But I didn’t learn a lesson, because it’s not a lesson I want to learn.
The reframe of what happened is easy enough. Yes, I was been burned by people I was trying to help, but it’s the first time it’s happened in the last year or so and I have interacted with hundreds of people in that time, none of whom tried to rip me off.
So I’m interested to know, do you generally tend to trust people, or do you need to know them a period of time before you feel ok to put your faith in them? And do you think one method is better than the other?
Ask The Life Coach
This blog is for you, it really is, and as such I want to offer you what you want to read. I know I’m prone to shoot off topic (no, seriously I am) from time to time and I’d love to know what you want more of, or even less of for that matter?
I’m also going to reintroduce my Ask The Life Coach thing from a year or two ago and answer specific issues you may have that are connected with Life Coaching, NLP or just general self development.
So if you’re looking for some free life coaching without ever even having to pick the phone up, now’s your chance.
If you have a general suggestion for the site you can leave it in the comments section. If you have a more personal question you’d like to see me cover off you can shoot me an e-mail to tim at A Daring Adventure dot com.
I have no idea how many takers I’ll have and I’m not promising I can answer every request, but I’ll do my best. Oh, and don’t worry I wont use your name, unless you want me to that is.
Core Transformation Training
I am doing a 2 day Core Transformation training program this week here in Orlando. My friend and world class trainer, Michael Watson is the facilitator and it should be great fun. Core Transformation is a process developed by Connirae and Tamara Andreas and is extremely powerful at helping with making lasting beneficial change..
I did do a bit during one of my NLP Master Practitioner courses, but this should take it to a whole new level. Priced at $295 (I do NOT earn a commission on this) it’s also great value for something that many have described as life changing.
I’d love to see you there, unless that is you’re just coming to exploit my trusting nature and steal my lunch money.
And finally, I have the in-laws here for 3 weeks as of next week. Hurrah! At the same time I have the launch of the How To Be Rich and Happy 1,000,000 Book Giveaway. Consequently I’m going to be a tad busy and I’d love to run a couple of high quality guest posts in early/mid March. If you’re up for it and are prepared to risk rejection, drop me a line.
Tim Brownson is a Certified Life Coach and has been unsticking people and helping them reach their true potential since 2005. If you would like to know how he can help you
How long does it takes to trust people?
Tim, well to you it may seem like a no-brainer, but unfortunately, our society makes it hard for us to trust people. Every time we do something we are thinking is this man going to sue me? Saying hello to a woman at work….sexual harassment? Wearing a superman costume and needing it to say “Caution: This costume is not meant to fly”. Should I go on?
Add to that, as you say yourself, many of us got burned so many times, at least I did in my business when I asked for help and paid for it. Same we friends “picking side” after so many years.
So when I see a new prospect for business or a new person as a friend…I do not assume they trust me…I know I need to develop a relationship with them….at the same time…I am a very trusting individual. I love people. I am very open and at times too open to a fault. Recently I was at an event where I know for a fact..one person didn’t feel comfortable around me because I was too open and transparent. When people see that…after all that they go through in life…they get nervous.is this guy for real?
People like us, we make people insecure when we are so trusting, yet we may still get burned from time to time.
Conflicting? Maybe but just my thoughts.
How funny, the other day somebody asked me why I trusted them enough to tell them something and it threw me for a loop. Now that I think of it, it seems like the conflict between having it pounded into me constantly from an early that I shouldn’t trust people and my natural inclination to trust and make leaps and just sort of be a big open book has led to so much unhappiness in my life.
Tim,
As usual, you’re telling me something I didn’t already know. Never heard the term pattern interrupt before. Nor would I have guessed what it meant without your explanation of meaning and use.
In answer to your question (dare I announce it publicly?) I like you have a tendency to trust everyone until they give me a reason not to. And sometimes when they’re giving me a reason not to, I don’t notice until some other poor suspicious mind points it out. I’m not gullible, you cannot sell me swamp land in Arizona, but if you’re relating a story about something happening in your life, I will find no reason not to believe you, in most cases.
I hope I’ve left a typo here somewhere . . . .
I think people make a gut decision about a person within seconds. I trust people until they prove me wrong. I think how you feel about someone says more about you than it does about them. If my gut says “careful here” I usually listen and wait a bit before I give them the keys to the vault. That’s not trusting someone. It’s using past experiences to guide me today.
I tend to make a pretty quick judgement (admittedly based entirely on my own prejudices) about whether I’m going to be able to trust someone. But even then, it takes me a long time to build up real trust. Sometimes it may seem like I’m trusting someone with something, but unless the real trust is there, it’s more likely that I’m just not too worried about the outcome if they happen to break that trust.
The painting of my world seems a little colder than yours. I guess that I value trust very highly (not saying you don’t), which means that when there is a real mutual trust between me and another, then it is very meaningful, and they know that. Does that make it more precious?
@ Roy – The Superman suit one made me lol. I get all that, but I honestly think the more we distrust the more reason people give us to distrust.
IOW, we go seeking evidence to prove what we thought and miss all the great stuff going on around us. It’s tricky I agree because the media for one likes to scare the crap out of us.
@ Tracy – Not sure I understand what you mean. Your trusting nature has led to much unhappiness?
@ Elaine – My take too. I did once buy London Bridge, but other than that I don’t think I’m gullible.
@ Bob – What happened to the keys to the vault Bob? I’m sure you said they were in the mail.
@Tim I trusted you to understand me and this is what happens!!
No, seriously, I was raised in a family that for whatever reason was suspicious of other people’s motivations/character/whatever and I felt pushed to be very wary of people which goes against my natural inclination which is more like yours. Sort of a feeling like I was doing something wrong by being myself and it was a sign of stupidity, neediness, things like that to be open and trusting.
So my trusting nature has actually led to a lot of happiness for me, but outside pressure to reign that in makes me completely miserable.
I don’t know, it seems like when I can just be the way I want to be I don’t seem to get burned more than anyone else and I’m far happier this way.
I was been burned too. :P But I still tend to trust till I have a reason not to trust. That doesn’t mean I was born with a fish-hook in my mouth. I like giving people the benefit of the doubt…sometimes it’s greatly entertaining.
What I’d like to see more of…hmmm…how to’s on figuring out what you want to do/be for a living, figuring out what you want to begin with even! Figuring out how to write the hero’s story for yourself.
PS. You’re a very strange and funny man.
For me, it’s hard to trust people if I don’t know them that well or haven’t spend a period of time with them. I’m usually decent at trusting my intuition to tell me whether or not I should trust the person I’m communicating with. I think we should be even more wary of the people we talk to on the internet because it’s easier to get scammed when we are not face-to-face with somebody like in real life.
I think, for me, after a lot of trial and error, I’ve gotten to the point where I trust people to be people.
Which basically means that when I meet someone new, I trust them as much as I’d trust a stranger; as I grow to learn more about them, my definition of them as a person changes so the level of trust changes.
Used to be that I just trusted straight away, but it’s gotten me into far more trouble than not. In some ways I miss it, in others I’m happy enough to not be getting messed around to the degree I was.
@ Tracy – I know I’m such a bastard and you should have known you couldn’t trust me.
@ Wulfie – Being called strange by your good self is almost like high praise.
@ Hulbert – Intuition is definitely key and I’d never advise anybody to ignore theirs. Maybe mine sits there quietly when I first meet somebody, or maybe I just sit on it.
@ Heather – I guess it is what it is.
In some ways I didn’t think through what I said because I doubt I would trust a man by the side of the road wearing a prison uniform, carrying an axe and hitching a lift.
I trust people because it’s best strategy when you consider the “Prisoner’s dilemma” of it (i.e. assuming they will act win/win until they prove you wrong.)
Yes, I just used mathematics to explain why I trust people. Call me geeky :p
Trust is the fundamental part of any relationship. No relationship can survive without trust. As soon as the trust is a relationship breaks, the relationship breaks as well. If you do not trust a person, your relationship will not survive, because you have no trust in him or her. Trust is not only limited to a romantic relationship, trust is the basis of any relationship, be it a mother and daughter, father and son, husband and wife, brothers and sisters and even friends.
“because I automatically have faith in people. My default is to trust people until I have good reason to the contrary.”
I can’t agree more with this.
And this “way” protects us more, because some people when they see you trust them, they are in hurry to show you how bad they are. So we are saving us a valuable time!:)
I instinctively trust people. Sure sometimes I get burned but more often than not the trust is well placed.
@ Vlad – Jeez, I just Googled Prisoners Dilemma and my head exploded.
@ CI – I agree up to a point but a relationship with trust is difficult to establish when one partner trusts nobody.
@ Annony – Interesting perspective, thanks!
@ Deborah – Exactly what I think. So it must be right ;-)
I genuinely love and believe in the goodness of people! My default is to trust people I meet very quickly. I refuse to believe that there are suspicious people around every corner waiting to take advantage of me, lie to me, hurt me, take my money, etc. I believe, too, that people truly want to BE trusted.
Have I been hurt by people who broke my trust? Of course! But not enough to shake my belief that the gigantic majority of people are trustworthy and good :)
This is a great article. Thank you for posting. Love it.
OK so I have this buddy, we have been friends since forever and we move around together most times. Now he is a real open person, people tend to trust him completely as soon as they meet him. Sometimes its uncanny to watch, like a natural skill. And he takes advantage of that. Makes me wonder about people that they do not put on at least some safeguards.
I am more conservative type, I start in neutral. Trust is earned. But once you’re in, hey I’ll trust you with my life, my car, my dog, whatever! And if trust is broken, I do not forgive so easy.
I think that people generally are good intentioned, but they have goals and habits that can be at odds with my own. I accept that, and it don’t make them an “enemy”.
So I do not immediately trust people, but I don’t distrust them either.
I’m amazed by the pattern interrupt technique. I always thought hynosis is just in the books or movies we read…When it comes to trusting, I’ll have to trust my intuition. You can always tell from the start if the person can be trusted or not.
@ Lisa – We share the same viewpoint it would seem!
@ Anon – I think that’s fair enough. I do trust very quickly, but I understand it’s not necessarily the best policy and I think what you say is more than reasonable.
@ TP – Yeh, your intuition knows best and will be right a lot more than it will be wrong.
In building rapport, we need time… As a marketer, I do the NLP VAK (Visual, Audio, Kinesthetic) trick to build rapport fast..
Your price is certainly far lower than some of the others I have been quoted, one chap was wanted $2995 for 3 days!