I’m not a big fan of celebrity culture. I don’t watch TMZ, I don’t follow any celebs on Twitter and I don’t really care which movie star has been caught with a goat in a compromising situation. Unless that is, it’s my goat.
I was somewhat saddened by the death of Whitney Houston though.
Not because I’ll miss her music, quite frankly I’d miss hemorrhoids more. But because of the moral indignation displayed by some people following her unfortunate death.
It seems Ms Houston took drugs. Quite a lot of them actually and she never bothered to check out treatment centers for celebrities.
It Was Her Own Fault!
And to some people that means she had it coming to her because no matter that the drugs may well have been legal and prescribed, she’s still a druggie and it was her own fault.
And maybe it was her own fault, in the same way as it’s someones own fault if they contract lung cancer from smoking or diabetes through poor diet choices, or drive too quickly and have a pile up.
It’s easy to look at celebrities gone wrong and think,
“WTF is wrong with those people? They have all that fame, all that attention, all that money and still they want to ruin their lives with drugs”
If only it were that simple.
Firstly, many people go into show business and seek fame because they are insecure in the first place. They think the adulation and money will allow them to feel better about themselves.
But of course it never does. Or if it does, it’s merely fleeting and thus requires the next movie, song, book or tour be as good as the previous ones because they’ve nailed their self esteem to the mast of performance.
Secondly, the process of human adaptation means no matter how much money, fame or even sex we have, we get used to it and usually then want more. It’s a process called the Hedonic Treadmill.
Money And Fame Do Not Equal Happiness
I used to earn twice as much money in sales as I do in Life Coaching, but I never had any more spare cash, because I adapted to my circumstances. I just went on longer more expensive vacations, bought more expensive clothes and drank more expensive wine.
But I wasn’t any happier, in fact just the opposite.
And that’s why the guy earning $10m is no happier than the woman earning $500k. Statistically speaking of course because genetics also play a part.
Think of Whitney Houston as a twenty-something up on stage in front of 20,000 adoring fans. She delivers a great set and the crowd goes home buzzing and appreciative.
Have you any idea how much dopamine, endorphins and serotonin is coursing through the singers veins when she makes her way back into the dressing room?
Do you know how long it would take to come down off that kind of high, the kind of high that a very tiny percentage of people ever get to feel?
More to the point, do you realize how potentially low the following low may turn out to be?
Especially at the end of a tour or when their latest project bombs and is shredded by fans and critics alike?
Or worse still, when they realize they’re getting old and their good looks are declining a la Demi Moore.
Potentially very, very, low.
Drugs are an easy way out for many people in that situation. Make no mistake, they are always a dumb way out, but they are still a brief escape from the immediacy of their situation.
A Xanax or a joint to ease the stress. An Ambien to help them sleep when they are still buzzing. Or maybe a few lines of coke and half a bottle of Jack Daniels to help them regain that top of the world feeling?
And it’s not like it’s even hard. if you put a gun to my head and told me I had to get you a large bag of coke by sundown, I wouldn’t have a clue where to begin.
The reverse is true for famous people. There’s always somebody waiting to give them a pill or pass them the bong or chop them a line.
My favorite comedian of all time was Greg Giraldo. I said was, because he died of an accidental drug overdose in 2010.
I’ve heard pretty much every set he ever performed and he regularly talked about his battle with drugs and alcohol.
Yet even a relatively unknown comedian like him was regularly and literally having drugs shoved under his nose by his fans.
I’ve never heard anybody speak a bad word about Greg Giraldo who had met him. Yet a number of people saw fit to post on his Facebook page that he got what he deserved.
Seriously?
Is that where we’re at now, that people that do dumb things deserve to die?
It’s All About Values
Or is it that some people like to think they occupy the moral high ground because they have never succumbed to recreational drugs?
That’s shaky ground because it’s also not reserved for people who have been creative with an expense account, rounded down their taxes, taken something home from work by ‘mistake’, lied to a partner, driven recklessly or under the influence of alcohol and any other number of things that are immoral, unethical or flat out illegal.
I talk a lot with clients about values as you probably know. We all have different values and we all see the world through the veil of our values which is why values work is so important and enlightening.
People who judged Whitney Houston to be a bad person because she took drugs, are merely looking at her life through their values and making the incorrect assumption that they are better and would have acted differently.
It’s s nice thought, but fundamentally flawed, as well as being stomach-churningly arrogant.
If you’d been born instead of Whitney Houston and had the exact same exposure and upbringing, there’s a very high probability that you would have made many of the same decisions she made.
There but for the Grace of God eh?
If you really want to get a grip on your values and understand ho you can use them to shape your life for the better, check out Aligning With Your Core Values
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Every time another star falls at the hand of addiction I wait for the moral vultures to circle. Those who pick at and pull apart the life of another, exposing all that was ‘wrong’ and holding it up as evidence of a person’s ‘deserved and expected’ demise.
I wrote about this subject on my RecoveringYou.com blog when Jeff Conway passed away because as the wife of an addict (recovering) the ignorance makes me angry.
But then I try to do my best to understand that our points of view are narrowed or widened by our unique life experiences. And seeing and acknowleging the real hurts in life can be too uncomfortable for some people so it’s easier to judge.
Another great post Tim!
I think the biggest challenge I ever had as a coach was when a client came to me saying she wanted to never judge another person again!
Firstly, we have to judge to some extent, I mean would you follow 4 guys wearing ski masks and carrying holdalls into a Miami bank in July.
But more importantly it’s almost impossible. I do it, you do it, we all do it. I think the key though is awareness of when we are doing it.
I often joke that I am intolerance of intolerance. Except it’s not really a joke ;-)
It seems like some people are quick to judge famous people, who make mistakes. Perhaps these people making judgments, believe that money and fame should make a person happy and content. However, as you quite rightly pointed out Tim, it doesn’t.
I love the way you write by the way. Your humour is fantastic! :-)
Absolutely true Hiten!
It is so sad that we lost another talented singer like Whitney. People can easily judge others without knowing the real story behind.
It is indeed Lynne.
As a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, one of the hardest things to do, is to not judge tthe addict still using. After all, I got sober and cleaned up my act, so should you, and I’ve been able to do it for 27 years.
In one respect I had it easier than Whitney, because I could change who I was around. I changed where I worked (I was a bartender), I changed who I hung out with, and that made it easier to turn down the drinks or lines.
Whitney could have said no, but when you are in a very vulnerable situation, and someone you trusts offers something that will take the pain away, you’re more likely to accept that substance. After all, how many of us will take pain over no pain. I’m glad I was able to take the hard road, and it was very sad that Whitney wasn’t able to get clean and sober. She would have been a great example for sobriety. Now she’s just another cautionary tale.
Thanks a lot for sharing that Paula and yeh you’re right, the world doesn’t really need any more cautionary tales.
“Let those who has never sinned, make the first judgement.”
I believe that every single person has his own struggles.
And many who eventually succumbed to the dark side, were once people who fought head-on with this side.
Maybe without the proper guidance, maybe they were not in a favourable position that enabled them to see more choices, and as you said Tim, if we were in their shoes, we would have made a lot of same decisions.
I genuinely think that the shortest path to end our struggles, is to face it. Say we have it, and be willing to start working on it.
And to be fair we all judge from time to time, but sometimes it goes waaaay too far.
I did react to the Whitney Houston news with the immediate thought – with all that money surely she could have built a strong support network and strong healthy routines around her to avoid this tragedy. Then I stepped back and latched on to those words “support network”. If you are isolated from good people who truly and unconditionally have your best interest at heart and are surrounded by people who are feeding off you financially or emotionally to further their own needs and ends, what hope do you have? I don’t think any of us as the inner strength to totally go it alone, we all need at least one other person who is there 100% for us. I feel sad at this loss of a life, great talent or no great talent (although I did like her music!). Great read Tim, enjoy your very direct approach.
I agree Mary-Ann, going it alone sucks and makes things exponentially more difficult.
I used to be kinda lying when I said I didn’t envy celebrities, because is sounded so much more evolved than confessing I always wanted to be part of the “popular” crowd and never was.
Now I do actually feel sorry for them and the pressures they face. Took me decades to figure out that hedonic treadmill stuff you were talking about, and to start trying to learn to find happiness in every day moments. Who needs fame to savor a perfect cup of coffee or a delicious afternoon nap?
“Who needs fame to savor a perfect cup of coffee or a delicious afternoon nap?
“
aint that the truth!
I think the most important things for people to remember is that an addict is first and foremost a person….and addiction is a disease.
An addict is no more a bad person than a diabetic. Sure, they choose to do what they’re doing, but they don’t choose the brain functions that make overcoming addiction so close to impossible.
I don’t think it is ever okay to judge people because it is almost always unfair and it’s definitely not helping anyone. We can’t possibly know what drives a person to illegal drugs, alcohol, prescriptions, eating disorders, unhealthy relationships or any other destructive choices. However, we can sympathize with their struggle. Compassion is key.
As much as Whitney seemed to love her daughter, I’m sure she wanted to do what was best for her. Addiction clearly had a hold on her that I (fortunately) do not understand. But that’s not who she was. She was more than an addict. She was a human being…and a very talented one at that. I’m choosing to remember this woman for the gifts that she brought to the world. Her voice always gives me chills and I love her for that. My hope is that her daughter will somehow find peace of mind and relief from the agonizing grief that she must feel at this time. I also hope that the people who judge her will never have to experience the amount of judgment, humiliation and public scrutiny that undoubtedly made it harder for Whitney to embrace sobriety.
That reminds me of Mitch Hedburg the comedian who died from a drug overdose. He did this sketch about alcoholism being a disease. he said it’s the only disease you get shouted at for having. Nobody shouts at somebody “Hey you, you dirty Lupus sufferer”
I think he delivered it a bit better than that, but you get the idea.
Sometimes I think it’s easier for people to point the finger than it is for them to take a good hard look at themselves (myself included, of course). We sit smugly in the comfort of our own zones and say things like “I’m screwed up, but not *that* screwed up.” or “I’d have *never* done something so idiotic.” It’s so easy to to feel smug when we spend so much time lying to ourselves, not to mention thrust our own perceived inadequacies onto people we don’t even know.
Exactly! Excellent comment.
I was a huge Whitney fan (moreso as a kid) and can’t believe that you of all people, have just written my favorite ‘Whitney Tribute” to date!
For me you summed it up nicely with the words- “people that do dumb things deserve to die”…a judgement that so many of us make every time a celebrity dies in darker circumstance and yet completely ludicrous if we take a peek at ourselves.
Thanks Kirri!
My boyfriend and I have often discussed the “why” of celebrity drug use … with me trying to explain why someone who seems to “have it all” would need drugs. This is a great, easy-to-understand post.
Glad you liked it Debi, thanks!
I can totally relate to your posting on Movie stars and celebs. Like a lot of people, I also really liked Whitney Houston’s music. Somewhere along the way, I think stars often get depressed and turn to drugs because they are looking for that “special something” that is going to bring happiness. Gestalt would have called this unfinished business. The truth is that any one of us could easily be in a situation where percription drugs can be abused. This is a great post. Thank You Tim.
Agreed. I know I myself have been pitched into such circumstances and didn’t always just say no!
A really great post Tim. It’s so easy to be quick to judge another person morally but how does that help anyone? The person being judged isn’t helped and the person doing the judging takes a leap closer to arrogant superiority and a massive leap away from actually being useful. We all know the dangers of moral superiority. From the Nazis feeling infinitely superior to Jews (and other groups) to the Hutu believing the Tutsis to be no better than “cockroaches” and therefore worthy of mass slaughter in Rwanda in the early 90’s. People can be just as addicted to feelings of moral superiority as to any drug. This doesn’t mean we should never judge or that everything should be “acceptable” but as you say we should be aware of when we are automatically judging and also develop compassion and empathy. Judgement without efforts to help a situation don’t really add any benefit to the World as I see it.
All the best
Mark
Back at ya Mark, because that is a brilliant comment, thanks!