I was watching the Harrison Ford movie, ‘Extraordinary Measures’ recently. It was an ok movie with Mr Woodenface playing a bad tempered scientist working toward a cure for Pompe’s disease, a fatal illness that strikes children in infancy.
There was a scene in which the father of two really sick kids who is trying to get to meet Ford, calls him up.
As per the stereotype professor, Ford doesn’t even hear the phone to begin with as he stares at his whiteboard lost in his own little world. Then when he eventually does notice the ringing noise he has to go looking for the phone through all the clutter in his office.
Eventually he manages to answer it, but almost as soon as he says hello he accidentally pulls the cord out.
The father rambles on for a minute or two telling Ford why he desperately needs his help before he realizes he’s not there. Thinking he’s hung up on him and highly frustrated by the whole experience, he not unreasonably yells “ Asshole” at the phone.
Leaving aside the fact that he was actually a bit asshole, until of course he turned into a lovely asshole at the end as per Hollywood requirements, he wasn’t an asshole for the reasons the guy thought.
We often make assumptions about people and events based on a very limited amount of information. In fact we have to generalize in this manner to a large extent as I made mention of in my pain or pleasure post even though it sometimes trips us up.
In ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People‘, Stephen Covey tells the story of the time he was on a train and some kids were running riot unsupervised.
After putting up with the little rascals for a few minutes he approached the person who he quite rightly thought was the father. The guy was miles away when Covey started giving him a piece of his mind and snapped him back into reality.
The father apologized profusely and went on to explain that he was returning from the funeral of his wife and their mother. A sobering experience, eh?
I have told the story here once before of the time I was following an ambulance through North London. I was weaving in and out of traffic trying to stay with the speeding vehicle and receiving a lot of abuse from other motorists, some of whom even tried to block my path.
Not one of them knew my dad had just had a stroke he was to never recover from, and he was in the back of that ambulance. Equally, none of them knew I had no knowledge of that area of London and had no idea where the hospital was.
If they had they wouldn’t have been hurling abuse at me and giving me the finger, or at least that’s my belief.
Just for one day, try this.
Refuse to jump to conclusions about what other peoples words and actions means, even when you think you know.
We’ve all acted like jerks for one reason or another, we’ve all had bad days, bad news and bad luck.
We can’t explain to people we meet everything that’s going on in our lives and equally they can’t explain to us what’s going on in theirs.
So just for one day, give them the benefit of the doubt and trust they’ll do the same for you.
Have you ever put your foot in it big time and wished you’d stopped to wonder what the back story? Or have you ever been the recipient of abuse or a callous remark when somebody misunderstood your actions?
Tim Brownson is a Certified Life Coach and has been unsticking people and helping them reach their true potential since 2005. If you would like to know how he can help you
Very enjoyable post which reminds me of the NLP presupposition that every behaviour has a positive intent – even if it is difficult for the onlooker to work out what that positive intent could possibly be. I will join you in a “give the benefit of the doubt” day.
Just amazing post. :)
By the way, who is the artist beyond the cartoons?
This is something I very much understand the value of, yet often fall short of being able to do most of the time (but improving)
I think the opposite is often true, we get ourselves more upset than we need to because we think the other party should know or be able to infer why we are doing something.
Yesterday I was telling somebody how bad it made me feel once when I was boarding a transatlantic flight alone with 3 small boys and having a very rough go handling them and yes, they were whining and at times my voice might have been a bit shrill and to see people just stare at me almost in disgust instead of offering me a hand.
Seriously, it’s one of the memories that makes my blood pressure rise and my eyes well up remembering me getting past the security check point which meant I no longer had my mother in law’s help and struggling to get 3 small boys and myself back in shoes and keeping them from wandering off even though they’d spent almost an hour in line and trying to get the double stroller back open that the security had somehow mangled in the 2 minutes they spent examining it.
Doing all this while all the unencumbered business people and holiday makers breezed on past, some looking annoyed that we were in the way and the security people sort of just stood there staring.
I do tell myself they had planes to catch and where tired and anxious themselves. And it the security might have not been allowed to intervene because of policy and that does make me feel a bit better.
And then on the plane hearing the loud complaints about the noise of the children on the plane (not just mine, there was a whole classful of school children on board and some other families).
A lot of people have expressed that people with small children shouldn’t fly unless the kids can 100% be relied on to be quiet and the parent has 100% ability to make them be still and good.
I wonder if they would make allowances for me, flying with 3 boys 4 and under on my own on an 8 hour flight, if they’d known the reason I was on my own is because my husband had to leave separately to get back to work and I wanted my children to spend every moment possible with their 2 very ill grandfathers, both living in Europe, far away from us? One of whom went on to pass away.
While I’m not happy that we inconvenienced people and I did do my best to keep it to a minimum, I’m putting that day of travel squarely in the couldn’t be helped category and don’t feel guilty about it although I am not as good as I could be at not feeling disappointed about how hard it was to get help both from the airline and from random strangers.
Interesting opening. And this is something to be taken away from the article,
“We often make assumptions about people and events based on a very limited amount of information.”
It is human nature but something that we need to work on naturally.
Interesting opening. And this is something to be taken away from the article,
“We often make assumptions about people and events based on a very limited amount of information.”
It is human nature but something that we need to work on naturally.
@ Marion – Good stuff although I was tested by the guy that pulled out in front of me when I had the dogs in the back of the car this morning ;-)
@Bioslava – Thanks, the images are from iStock and the guys name is Dennis Cox. He has done all my cartoons.
@ Tracy – I was going to make a joke by saying “So it was you with the kids!” Then I thought you might kick my ass.
That’s tough because I have been the guy having the back of his seat kicked all the way over the Atlantic on a couple of occasions and it’s not fun.
That sounds like absolutely hell though I must say. If you can do that you can do anything!
@Abubakar – Glad you got something from it!
Hey, Tim!
I like that you have a positive spin on this, even tho you were once the subject of dirty stares and fingers behind that ambulance. I think we’ve all (metaphorically) been there at one time or another, and it’s something that’s apparently hard to let go of and leave behind.
I would take it one step further. What’s the back story of the person who’s doing the misjudging for lack of information? Aren’t they also allowed some consideration for the space they’re in, instead of assuming they’re just automatons of businessmen or commuters? Isn’t it possible there’s someone who’s going thru their own problems behind that finger?
I don’t mean to go all Zen on you, but I believe in approaching everyone from a place of compassion. Instead of being angry when someone doesn’t understand our back story, can’t we add to that some compassion because we don’t understand theirs, either?
Just a thought…
Annie
Tim, a truly great post. This really resonates with me. I too have read Stephen Covey’s book and some of his other work too; he sends out a very inspirational message.
Your post is a very interesting read and highlights a real need for us to consider our actions before we act and our spoken word before we speak.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Regards
Paul
Excellent post. On a similar note I’d highly recommend this speech by David Foster Wallace:)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2008/sep/20/fiction
I’m sure there have been times when I’ve been mad at people for actions that I didn’t understand. But the only story that comes to mind is when my college roommate (who had struggled with anorexia in the past) fixated on this very very skinny woman who ate lunch at our dorm. Every day she’d look at this woman and say, “She has an eating disorder. I would know.” One day she couldn’t stand it any more. She marched up to this woman and told her that she thought she had an eating disorder and that she should get help. It was all well intentioned. But the woman really had some sort of disease or was taking medication (I no longer remember) that caused her to have trouble putting on weight. She actually ate like a horse (or some other animal that eats a lot).
@ Annie – Brilliant point and I agree 100%.
Something I push clients to be is more curious. Curiosity didn’t kill the fucking cat at all, and it’s curiosity why kids are so much more open-minded and less likely to judge. Thanks for the comment.
@ Paul – You’re welcome and thanks for commenting.
@ Debbie – Thanks for the link!
@ Alisa – I’m squirming more than when the guy from Last Comic Standing was telling his dinosaur joke the other night.
I think the expression should be, eats like a shrew. The greedy bastards eat 90% of their own body weight every day!
I love the comments about kids; @ Tracy – to be honest, I am usually the grumpy cow saying ‘will somebody shut those bloody kids up!’ But your comment and this post has given me a bit more insight – new affirmation for this month – I am very patient with other people’s children. However I draw the line at chair kicking!
I have a friend who is epileptic, intelligent, funny guy but his medication can make his speech a slow and a little slurred. People often treat him as if he is stupid, condescending doesn’t even cover it. Makes my blood boil, so I suppose I can see it from both sides.
Best wishes,
Kate.
It is interesting how we don’t make judgements/assumptions until we pay some attention to it. This may be either consciously asking ‘why?’ or unconscious through how we map behaviours to meanings.
Really crucial to catch ourselves at the moments we start to associate meaning to the world.
Meaning is important to attach to what we experience in life… Offcourse only if thats the meaning you attach to it ;)
Cracking advice Tim. We are all knee-jerks with our too-early-to-react behaviours all the time. Trouble is not everyone is being a jerk in return. They may just be ‘going through something’. Thank you for reminding us that when someone is being arsey it’s not us having a bad day but them who may have had bad news.
@ Kate _ I’ve been that person too and I think to be fair we all have at some stage or other, it’s just being as aware as we can so that when it happens we notice.
@ Jarrod – I think consciousness is the answer to just about everything.
@ John – You’re welcome!
OMG!! Another witty – dare I say HILARIOUS article! Thank you so much – you always make me laugh, but with a great point at the end. Thanks for the reminder that we all have not only our day’s – but,at some point we are all trying to keep the skeleton’s from escaping out own closet! None of us is perfect and I appreciate the reminder to not pass judgment.My best friend and I just had this discussion the other day – none of us really ever knows every little detail about each others lives and why we make the decisions we make. And when we make assumptions we are very often wrong – and can really hurt others feelings – so let’s just not do it! Nice work and thanks for the laugh and the lesson as well!!
Tim, back then in London, did you turn your hazards on? If you did, they should have understand.
Actually, I have an experience where I did ask for the back story rather than jump to conclusions and I was glad that I did.
I made a special visit to the shoe store to get all three of my very young children shoes. I had called ahead and made an appointment for first thing in the morning before there would be any other customers.
After only a few minutes, it was apparent that the woman assisting us was doing a really terrible job. Even though I was the only customer, she kept bringing out the wrong sizes, the wrong styles, measuring wrong…it was really frustrating.
Instead of giving into my frustration, I asked her if everything was all right. Was something wrong that I could assist her with?
She relayed to me that she had not slept at all the night before. Her mother who had Alzheimer’s had disappeared in the middle of the night. She, along with her siblings, had searched for her mother all night long without locating her.
In spite of this, this woman arrived on time for work and was doing her best to fight her distraction and fatigue and assist me.
She talked to me at length about the situation while I resumed her duties on the shoe front. I think that talking about it made her feel somewhat better.
I bought the shoes and thanked her. She was surprised at the thank you, saying “I really didn’t help you at all.” I remember telling her, “Actually, you helped me much more than you know.”