I must be a Life Coach because it says so on my website. Also when somebody asks me what I do, I tend to reply “I’m a Life Coach” My business cards also say ‘Tim Brownson – Life Coach’ and the certificates hanging on my wall that don’t mention hypnotherapy all seem to indicate I’m a Life Coach.
Therefore, as Descartes would almost certainly have said if he’d still been with us and not pushing up daisies in some Swedish graveyard “Tim thinks therefore he is a Life Coach” But would old Rene have been right?
A number of times over the last year or two I’ve stopped to analyze what it is I do and compared that to what I think I should be doing as a certified Life Coach. No matter how I looked at it, I could never get the two to match exactly. There were always gray areas.
Occasionally this led to some momentary doubt and confusion as to whether I’m doing my job properly, before I’d push it to the back of mind along with other profound questions, like how is it nobody ever whines about being tired in 24?
What is THE most important thing for a Life Coach to achieve when working with a client?
Is it to help clients get from where they are to where they want to be?
Or is it to stick to some unwritten, and sometimes even written, code that will hopefully get them from where they are to where they want to be?
My training, like that of most Life Coaches, drilled into me the theory that Life Coaches never tell their clients what to do. Even though most people unfamiliar or new to coaching tend to think the complete opposite is true.
The following comment left by Gareth after my tongue in cheek post ‘How To Be A Life Coach’ pushed me into thinking in more detail on the topic. Rather than believing it was my guilty little secret along with the fact I now watch American Idol after panning it remorselessly for years.
“So I think the fly by night life coaches should be liable for the advice they give.”
Understandably as a trained Life Coach, Melinda from WAHMbiz Builder dived in and pointed out that Life Coaches don’t give advice. We are taught to probe, to prod and to ask questions that will shift a clients thinking. Then if we’re lucky, we get to probe and prod some more. I’ve always been keen on the probing and prodding part of things (with questions that is) and coming from a sales background it has been part of what I do for more than two decades.
The rationale behind asking questions of clients and letting them come to their own conclusions is sound. If we can do this effectively, then change is not only more likely to happen, it’s more likely to stick. It’s human nature (probably) to want to think our own ideas and thoughts are the best, until proven otherwise.
The common wisdom in Life Coaching is that if a coach does a very job with a client he or she gets complimented, but if they do an excellent job they don’t. In other words, the client walks away thinking it was all their own work.
Let me tell you, it can be somewhat disconcerting to the ego when a client thinks it was purely a coincidence that the change they wanted happened whilst employing a coach. The urge to stick up a hand and say, “Oo-oo what about me, look what a great job I did” in a whiny voice can be almost overwhelming.
The upsides of subscribing and practicing the co-active or solution coaching model are obvious. When a client makes a breakthrough it can be HUGE and it is very likely to stick. It also removes the risk of the coach inflicting upon the client their map of the world and simply telling them ‘how it is’. Something I still believe is the antithesis of good coaching.
However, the more work with clients I do, the more I grow to believe that the downsides to this type of coaching, whereas not as glaringly obvious or prevalent, is nonetheless present.
Yes I believe we all have the resources within ourselves to make the necessary changes. In fact that’s the only place they are. I don’t have a magic box full of determination, courage, enthusiasm, tenacity and belief ready to hand out to clients. If I did, I’d be charging a lot more than I do now.
When I take on a new client one of the first things I tell them is that it’s my desire to get them where they want to be as quickly as I can. I’m really not interested in long-term monthly contracts that extract as much money as possible.
My average client stays with me for about 6 sessions and I like that. I do have long-term clients and that’s cool too, but they tend to be more based around accountability and goal setting rather than change work.
Here’s where I get a tad controversial because here’s where I part company with traditional Life Coaching.
In my experience some people do not respond to the co-active version of Life Coaching. Or probably more accurately, if they do, it takes so long and costs them so much money they usually get fed up and quit before seeing the change they want to see.
It took me a few years to really get my head round this. Some people actually like to be shown options, they like to be pushed rather than be lead and they respond much more favorably to that approach.
To do my job well I think I need to be flexible in my approach and not be confined to a certain way of doing things. This is not surgery, it’s not an exact science and there is no ‘the way’ of doing things. When I think of the great change work coaches/therapists like Richard Bandler, Steve & Connierae Andreas, Andrew Austin, Robert Dilts, John Grinder, Virginia Satir and Milton Erickson, I think of people that push the boundaries and don’t (or didn’t in some cases) conform to the norm.
So as I read Melinda’s reply a small part of me wanted to disagree. That part wanted to say, actually I will dive in and offer advice if I think it can benefit my client. I’m happy to point out values conflicts, stress precursors and disempowering beliefs without spending an entire session craftily concocting questions that may or may not tease the same realization out of the client.
As I’ve become more relaxed about developing my own approach and stopped glancing over my shoulder expecting to see The Life Coach Police marching up my driveway shaking their fist in fury and waving a copy of the GROW Model at me, I’ve got significantly better results.
A great many Life Coaches I’ve come into contact with, work with clients at the level of actions. Actions can only ever be the results of thoughts, so it means working with symptoms rather than causes. It is really difficult (although I admit not impossible) to change some thoughts purely by asking questions. Sometimes rapid intervention (like certain NLP techniques) requires more of a ‘tell and show’ approach.
I think I’m a much better Life Coach when I’m prepared under the right circumstances to offer opinions and give advice.
There I’ve said it. As long as I work within the clients value framework and realize the only agenda is to help them and not trying to look clever. There is a requirement to be honest and say these are just opinions and you (the client) much judge their value.
The title of this post is ‘What Is A Life Coach?’ and I can’t even answer the question. I know what I do and I think I’m a Life Coach. But does that mean you can study me and know what Life Coaching is all about? Probably not, you’d just get an idea of what this Life Coach does and the next one may work within entirely different parameters.
Interesting. I just wanted to remark that I suddenly had to start explaining NLP to one of my clients. It’s really not until you see somebody else using language in a way that holds them back that you realise what a powerful thing it really is.
Thank you once again for all your support,
J xx
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I have a great coach who also is totally fine with jumping in and telling me, “Okay, I’m not going to be a coach right now, because I’m going to tell you [x, y, and z].” Or she’ll go ahead and tell me that she’s going to be poking big holes in what I just said and challenging my thinking. I like that about her.
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My coaching is done in a similar way to what Tim describes. If I feel that the clients process will be helped by advice (for them to ponder) then I temporarily take of my coach hat and give advice.
Love this post, Tim… because I’ve had my own trouble explaining life coaching, and trying to let people know which parts of the “life coaching” stereotype I match with and sometimes more importantly, which parts I don’t match with!
Having used the services of a variety of life and business coaches (and others who call themselves consultants), and having engaged in training programs and other stuff with people in the life coaching field, I’ve come to realize that there’s a HUGE variation in the style, theory and tools that coaches draw on. And as a social worker and NLP practitioner, while I love incisive questions, I also see space for advice, directive exercises that are intended to guide thinking in a particular way, information sharing and educating (obviously all in the frame of the changes my client has said they want to make – I don’t ever tell people what changes they should make. That I believe is their baby.)
The old fashioned way of doing therapy was for the therapist to be a blank screen for the client to project on, and the therapist would listen, nod and mirror, whilst trying to conceal as much of their own opinions (and personality!) as possible. While it’s important to be sensitive to my clients’ uniqueness and to offer them acceptance, I find that one of the best ways to do that is for me to be honest about who I am. And sometimes sticking an opinion or a bit of advice out there is a great way to provoke an honest reaction. It can give them something to push against, which can help them get clearer on their own values and choices. I do let people I work with know from the start that they’re welcome to say “no thanks” or even “you must be bloody joking!” to ANYTHING I offer, and there’ll be no hard feelings at all.
Good stuff, Tim
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Yes, I said on the previous post that Coaches don’t give advice. When I thought about it later though, I realised that in some cases I DO give advice. Yes, I’ve said it as an opinion and made that clear, and yes, I’ve always given the client the option of saying yes or no.
So I’ve totally contradicted myself, in public. Yaay! LOL!
I don’t think I’ve met anyone who can fully and adequately explain what Life Coaching, or any form of coaching, is. We all work differently and we all work with different clients. That’s one of the beauties of it, that there is so much diversity so what works for one person may not work for another, but there’s another Coach out there who would be perfect for them!
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@ Joely – Explaining NLP? LOL, good luck with that one!
@ Jenny – You should name names and give props to your coach!
@ Bengt – Interested to hear you say that. Have you always operated like that, or did you shift as you developed more experience?
@ Cath – I think that is the key to it. As long as we are helping clients to move towards the changes THEY want, rather than what we think is best for them, then I think it’s ok.
@ Melinda – That’s what I like to see a bit of back sliding. Er, I mean a bit of weighing up available evidence and making a mature decision. Now go and apologize to Gareth ;-)
Hi Tim, I have no idea what life coaching is supposed to be, but speaking from the client side what you are saying makes total sense to me. I suppose if I had unlimited resources and time, I might really enjoy months or even years of ruminating about possible causes and cures and so on, but I simply don’t have those resources.
Although now that I think about it, strike might, I’d definitely enjoy it.
This is a little simplistic, but coach as in sports team coach is my first image of the word, so what when I first heard about life coaching was that, only about life, not football. I am starting to understand a bit about the questions leading me to answers, but I have to say it’s a big relief that sometimes we can take a shortcut. We all have our blind spots, you know?
Tracys last blog post..6 Things I secretly hope are included in life coaching
My daughter and I were discussing something very similar just last night and your name actually came up, Tim, when I said, ‘Ah, now I can see why Tim Brownson goes on so much about values!’ We were talking about why we are so happy to take advice from some people and so resentful when it comes from others. While discussing an ongoing, difficult, casual releationship she has, a friend suggested she should go for a deeper, more serious relationship. ‘He has no idea what I want or what’s important to me,’ she said angrily, while admitting that if her sister or I had said somethng similar (which we wouldn’t, by the way, I would almost invariably disagree with this advice) she would have been glad of the input. So perhaps it’s a matter of being aligned with the advisee’s goals and values.
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As a Life Coach with a background in Counseling and Psychology, I truly appreciate and relate to your article. There is definitely a fine line between coaching and counseling (leading and pushing, as you say), and one and/or the other may be needed with certain clients. The challenging point (for me) is to discern between those who need coaching and those who need a more directive approach. Then again, awareness is key not to impose values and ideas when suggestions are offered. Thank you for the thoughts to ponder and the great sense of humor (your cartoons are hilarious!)
I often have a difficult time admitting to myself that some clients just want and need straight advice, or even authoritarian suggestions. But then again, Milton Erickson–known mostly for his indirect communication–would often issue direct commands and give advice (at least from what I’ve seen of videos of him).
The truly flexible communicator can at times give direct suggestions and advice when appropriate. Knowing when is appropriate is the real challenge though!
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I guess it doesn’t matter what you call yourself as long as you’re really good at what you do, and it seems like you’ve got this in spades. You speak your mind and do it well, this has to be a tremendous thing for your clients. I don’t know whether to call myself a ghostwriter, a freelancer, or an online entrepreneur, so I guess it all depends on who’s on the other end of the conversation. Bottom line, I make sure I do my best beneath whichever hat I’m wearing. You’re all aces, Tim, whatever you call yourself.
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Love it Life Coach Tim- I imagine you get much the same response and looks as I do in the “I’m a marriage therapist” world. A puzzled look or a quick, or a “I don’t need your services but I know many people who do.”
Therapy is much the same. The goal is to help the client live more according to what they desire, not the therapist’s values or beliefs. Therapy simply focuses more on the past than coaching.
And I can’t pass this up… “When I think of the great change work coaches/therapists like Richard Bandler, Steve & Connierae Andreas, Andrew Austin, Robert Dilts, John Grinder, Virginia Satir and Milton Erickson, I think of people that push the boundaries and don’t (or didn’t in some cases) conform to the norm.” – Name dropper!!
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Kind of like telling someone who is deaf that the only way to communicate is to speak out loud. What’s wrong with sign language, body language, written language. I think that ALL forms of communication should be used to pass a message on.
Same with life coaching. All forms of coaching can and should be used. There is is nothing worse than seeing a client struggle and not saying a word. I usually say,” So would you like to hear my OPINION on this? You can take what you want from it and make it your own if you want.”
I read this article with great interest, particularly since I have been following Tracy’s experience with Life Coaching.
I have been seeing psychotherapists for a number of years for my mental ailments. They seem to — or most of them seem to — have much of the same approach as Life Coaches: To probe, to find the questions that will help the client to realize the answer themselves.
But so often, I want just a little hint at what that answer is. My current psychotherapist will provide those hints when I am stuck and making no progress. I greatly appreciate that. I do not feel that it violates his role at all; on the contrary, it enhances it.
What I’m very interested in, Tim, is what you perceive to be the difference between Life Coaching and psychotherapy. Of course, there are obvious differences, such as your not dealing with mental illness. But, how does your approach to coaching differ from a psychotherapist’s approach to working with his/her patients? What are the similarities and differences between Life Coaching and psychotherapy?
Maybe I’m muddled because my particular experience with mental illness caused a complete breakdown in my life, which had to be rebuilt from ground zero through psychotherapy. I feel, from what I know now about Life Coaching, that my psychotherapists did a lot of life coaching in my sessions, along with more targeted help with my mental illnesses.
Please excuse this long comment, but inquiring minds want to know!
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As a teacher myself, I know that one method might work fabulously with one student and fall on its face with another. You have to have many methods in your pocket to hit what works with different kinds of people.
With me, I like the opinion of the one I am seeking help from. It is a way of calibrating my thoughts and ideas. I don’t want to waste time going down a path that leads no where. If you know that in advance, why not tell me?
I’m looking forward to seeing what you have up your sleeve Tim. Always good things up there (besides pit hair of course! ohh yuck!)
Doh! I just read your “Counseling vs Coaching” and it answered a lot of questions I posed in my former comment.
Thanks for your informative articles!
Mike Nicholss last blog post..Beyond Zits: Acne and Anxiety Disorders Part 2
@ Tracy – “I have no idea what life coaching is supposed to be” My kind of client, I can now do anything and you’re none the wiser.
@ Hilary – Is that a values thing? I’m honestly not sure, I guess it could be, but I really need to think about it, and not after a night that had me enjoy about 3 hours sleep ;-)
@ Tammy – Thanks for commenting. I suppose the real danger is that we develop the habit and before we know where we are we’re using it as the first option rather than the last one. If we can avoid that I think we’ll be ok.
@ Duff – True and Erickson was famous for telling his clients to get married and have lots of kids. You can’t get much more in your face and direct than that!
@ Writer Dad – Does what hat you’re wearing depend on which spade you use?
@ Corey – Name dropper indeed, but come on, they are all personal close friends of mine, especially the dead ones.
@ Mike – I see from below you may well have your answer. To be honest Mike as I’m not a psychotherapist, I’m not even sure I’m qualified to answer because I can only see it from one side. I’m glad you found it helpful.
@ Get your head from out of my sleeve there’s nothing up there for you, and I shave up there, I’m not a heathen you know.
Fun post and just love the cartoons.
I can relate to what you share where clients suddenly have something huge and great happen & then sorta miss the connection between the fact that they are being coached & doing the work and this result. Even if it is a total serendipidous, coincidence (meaning, it happened perfectly and in divine timing :-) they miss the connection. I have learned to point it right out to them.
Explaining coaching is a lot like wrestling a slippery pig though…how to put words to an experience and a whole melting pot of stuff that goes into it.
awesome stuff.
i really find that using the term “life-coach’ and all the hokey acronyms involved really scares people away from the mountain of help and positive growth that they can gain, all because of their associations with the term.
…and that can be a difficult thing to get around.
that’s why i think it’s difficult to ask what i life coach is… because the associations are far too broad and subjective.
you help people. that’s all that matters.
respect
alex
Alexs last blog post..Resistance: What It Is and How to Stop
@ Paula – LMAO at the slippery pig analogy! Not sure I’ve ever pointed it out to a client, but there have been occasions when I have wanted to, that’s for sure.
@ Alex – Thanks a lot, I appreciate the feedback and I like your last quote “you help people. that’s all that matters” because at the end of the day that’s what really matters.
Good for you. I remember there used to be T-shirts that would riff on the old “There are 2 kinds of people in the world…” and it’s only recently that it’s really hit me that that’s always the way it is, with everything. Maybe it creates balance in the world, who knows? But anytime you try and use one approach for everyone, you’ll fail half the time. So if someone is offended because you’ve given them direct advice, they might decide to make a decision and a movement elsewhere, which is probably a good step for them. Perhaps they’ll complain to someone who is looking for just that sort of forthrightness, they’ll seek you out, and once again, balance is restored. But I wonder: I know that a patient can outgrow his coach, but can a coach outgrow his patient?
I agree with Alex that the buzz words and acronyms are kind of hokey, and a little embarrassing.
Thanks
Whoops; I meant, in an adding-to-your-repertoire sort of way, not as a single method, because in that case, you’re just the same, but just opposite. I also meant to say that “coach” is like “mother,” — I think it’s the kind of word that implies subject and object, 2 people, so each definition would be unique to the combination; and the verb in the relationship would be “to help.”
@ Carbine – Thanks a lot. I’ve been a bit surprised that there has been almost zero objection. I really expected that some trained coaches would disagree with me. You see, I can’t even be controversial any more!
As for the question: Hmm, not sure, but I’m tempted to say no. Having said that, I have had one or two clients where I’ve thought they’d be better off hiring somebody else because I didn’t feel I was helping them and told them so. Maybe that is the same thing.
This post explains exactly why I refer to myself as a Someday Mentor not a Someday Coach. I suggest and I prod and I kick butt (gently). In my hands-on Professional Organizing practice, I learned that the let-the-client-figure-it-out-for-themselves approach just ended up costing them a lot of money. Much better to show them while doing it along side them, then set up self-guided (or assisted) maintenance systems to keep it going.
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Great post. You do a great job in explaining what a life coach does and how it benefits people.
Tim, I am a Life Coach as well, and I deal with the same issue. Things seem to move so much faster if you give thoughts or suggestions, I just couch them by saying this is just a thought or suggestion and please let me know what you think. This way they get the thought, but they also know I am not telling them something to do, merely putting something out there for them to chew on and give their thoughts. If they like it, they can take it, if they want to take it with a modification or even reject it, that is fine, but it usually helps them along to give them some new thoughts or concepts to play with. Best of luck!
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I resonate with what is written so clearly here. I applaud your courage to speak up even if it might go against main stream understanding.
Excellent ideas. I’ve found that there really is no one way to coach all people. Some find the way more easily than others. Some require more structure than others.
A good starting point for me seems to be to begin where the person is. My job is to help them build the confidence to make decisions on their own. For the most part, I get out of the way but make myself available to provide feedback if they ask.
When people do ask for feedback I provide a couple of general ideas and then put it back on them as in, “Some people do this, others do that. What do you think would work for you?” The idea is to be available if people ask for advice but not allow the client to generate her own ideas. I probably do that simply because people tend to follow through much better on ideas they’ve generated themselves.
Take care,
Guy