The cool thing with writing in depth on Life Coaching is that I know I have the really hardcore people with me. People that actually intend to make changes rather than talking about doing so, or hoping they will happen by reading a post and doing nothing else.
Newsflash: Positive change will not happen from staring at a list of bullet points or sitting on your arse watching TV.
Trust me, I spent 40 years trying the latter!
So if you read my previous post, What Are Values? and have come back for more, then you my fine friend are up for it and a very rare breed indeed. So give yourself a hearty pat on the back and let’s get going.
You now know what a value is and what impact they are having on your life on a daily basis, so how can you use that knowledge to make life hunky dory?
When I do a full value elicitation with a life coaching client there are 3 distinct phases.
Phase 1 – I explain what values are and have the client thinking about them. Values are so core, so part of our identity that many people go through the entire lives without considering them. The previous post was in effect, Phase 1
Phase 2 - Work out the clients hierarchy so we both know exactly what we’re dealing with and which are the most important and need to be met first.
It’s important at this stage for me to ensure the client realizes their values are fantastic for them (a bit like yours are for you) and we’re not looking to change them. In fact, even though there is an NLP process that (supposedly) does this, I personally thinks it’s complete and utter bollocks, and you can quote me on that.
Your values are what they are and they’re just lovely.
Phase 3 – Take a look at what we’re left with paying close attention to conflicts (more later) and utilizing what we have for motivational purposes.
In a moment I want you to take a look at two sheets I have uploaded for you. The first one is a list of core values and the other one a list of anti-values.
Before you do that though, let me explain what I want you to do to help you get the most out of this.
It’s crucial to understand the lists are guidelines only.
They are in no way exhaustive and there are dozens of values not listed. I just want to get you thinking about values rather than telling you what they are for you.
If you see a word that almost resonates, but not quite, that may because there’s a better description for you.
For example, you may prefer heroism to bravery or oneness to connection. It really doesn’t matter, as long that is, it really ‘feels’ right for you.
I want you to come up with 8 core values and 8 anti-values that feel right (or in the latter case wrong!) for you.
I do NOT want you to analyze this stuff. This is absolutely crucial because if you slip into an analytical mindset you’ll end up with a list of values you think you should have, rather than what you do have.
In How To Be Rich and Happy I go into a lot more detail about the importance letting your unconscious mind take over.
As you can now get the book for the crazy low $17 AND help a brilliant cause into the bargain, I insist suggest hope you check it out.
Most people get the concept of their core values, but are less sure about anti-values, so let me tell you what I tell them.
I’m only interested in knowing how the word equates to you.
In other words, you may see them as traits you have but don’t want, traits you really dislike in other people, or you may see them more as concepts. It really doesn’t matter as long as, and yes I’m going to say it again, they FEEL right.
As you make a note of each core value ask yourself this question:
What does that give me?
If the answer comes back with another value, then that maybe the real one, or indeed you may have two there. Simply keep asking the question over and over until you can’t go any further and you have 8 on the list.
NOTE: The above is why money can never be a value, so if you have it down, cross it off now and stop being silly.
That’s all I’m going to say at this stage because I’m going to use video for the next post to explain what you do with your two lists.
Before then do the following:
- Print of or copy and paste the core values list
- Print off or copy and paste the anti-values list
- Print off 2 copies of the value elicitation form (or ranking tool as we call it in How To Be Rich and Happy)
Pour yourself a stiff beverage of your choice, find a quite room where you wont be disturbed and then work out your top 8 from each side, but do NOT place them in any specific order at this stage.
When you have your 8 enter them on the elicitation form and get really excited because this is your starting point for a life even more brillianter than the one you currently have and all it takes is an hour or so of your commitment.
By the way, if you’re a Life Coach and you’d like copies of the forms for your own use, including the explanations I submit to clients (and please feel free to brand them) shoot me an e-mail and I’ll get them to you.
Note: You may need to do a screenshot and then print off the forms because I’m clueless with uploading PDF’s and I don’t really feel like paying my web guy to do it. I know, I’m such a miserable tight bastard.
Finally, I did a fun interview this week with Johnny B Truant talking about the background for How To Be Rich and Happy. If you’d like a listen and to understand how tech untech-savvy I am, click here.
Thanks for the post – have printed forms and selected values and I’m ready for next post. I just wanted to ask – I work with people with ‘challenging behaviour’ and I believe that no-one is intentionally bad – I don’t expect to find someone with core values of homicide, torture and deceit as positive values. Although some people in my area of work would argue differently.
I believe everybody has similar positive values even though the way they may try to achieve them or become frustrated at not being able to achieve them, is expressed in an anti-social manner.
I appreciate your clients are usually law-abiding(so they tell you)and not institutionalised (at least not at weekends)but do you ever see a pattern to the values people chose?
@ SF – I agree, in fact there is an NLP presupposition that says “Nobody is broken” and I always take that approach with clients.
I also strongly (To the point that nobody can convince me otherwise) believe that every action has a positive intent.
There are patternS, but no pattern as such that I have noticed.
If I see infidelity on a list, that person has almost always been through a bad break up or witnessed their parents go through one. Death is either at the top of peoples anti-values, or nowhere to be seen. People often want to have family higher than it often is, although I explain that’s cool.
I’m sure there are many others and I’ll give it some thought.
What are your values? It is good to know and to find out. I also think it is good to find out who am I and what am I doing here. This isn’t easy to do but it helps you realize what you stand for and what you don’t. It will stop you from taking other peoples ideas and saying, “yea, those are my ideals as well”. Discover who you are.
I really enjoyed this exercise when I read How to be Rich and Happy. It surprised me what values came out actually as I thought I clung fiercely to something like significance but actually I was more interested in kindness.
I enjoyed going through the process just as much this time round.
Would you recommend that this is a regular exercise to undertake Tim?
Hey Tim,
“…if you slip into an analytical mindset you’ll end up with a list of values you think you should have, rather than what you do have.”
As much as I try to be analytical in my approach, I totally agree with you here. I try to be really “unemotional” in setting realistic milestones, making realistic sacrifices to make time for my goals etc – but core values (and anti-values – brilliant!) are just like you said: non-negotiable.
As a side note, I’ve found many of my biggest life changes have come from a shift in declared values. Internally I think we often know what our true values are, but externally I think our actions are sometimes affected by what we believe other people want our values to be. Erasing this disconnect, and acting the way that I know I want to act based on my *true* values brings me back to doing what I love – and makes my life so much richer =)
@ Dr. Tony – I agree, once we know our own we are much more likely to live by them. If we don’t know what they are that’s tricky to do.
@ Ben To be honest I think it’s down to the individual. I personally do it about every 6 months or so, but I don’t see many changes. The odd fluctuation is all.
@ Sid – Agreed and I’m going to go into some detail in the next 2 posts about what you say. It’s tricky to explain via a post but I’ll give it my best shot!
Good exercise Tim. Often we go about out business without fully understanding or being aware of the core values that drive our actions, or lack of action.
I especially like the concept of identifying our anti-values. It’s important to know what is working against us, too.
Alex
You have given good 3 distinct phases..I think I have learned something from this post about values.I like your perspectives about value.I must say that there is nice information in this post.
I treat values like those higher level needs we all have after food and shelter are covered. The key is that everyone has a different combination of important values and everyone has different strategies to meet them. When the strategies create collateral damage or unintended consequences, time to revisit the strategy, not the value!
BTW for me, many of what are referred to as anti-values are what people feel when their values – their higher level needs – are not being met.
Coach Charley
@ Alex – Thanks a lot man and I couldn’t agree more….obviously ;-)
@ R4i – Cool stuff, glad you took something away.
@ Charley – Two excellent points, thanks bud!
Hi Tim,
HELP!
I’m having great difficulty identifying my values.
I’m reading your book and doing this exercise, but I keep getting stuck.
When you say choose the value that resonates most with you, means something that you want? Or you think you already have?
Like I lack discipline but it does make me want to choose it when i look at it.
And for anti-values, do i choose something that I have or hate to have?
I’m lazy and jealousy and all. I’ve been wanting to get out of those but couldn’t and I was hoping that finding out my values could help me align myself back to the right path because all the self-detest from all the negative aspects really sap my energy.
Thanks!
@ Ron/Sharon whoever – Have you watched the video that is linked to through the book?
It can be something you want OR something you have. If you think you already have it, then that more than likely means you’re in alignment with it. If it’s something you want, then that just means you’re not in alignment.
If you want it, then chose it and it sounds like discipline is a value of yours.