Ways To Be Miserable Revisited

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About 5 or 6 weeks ago I wrote a couple of blogs entitled ‘How To Be Miserable, Parts 1 & 2.” They only stayed there for a few days before I consolidated them and then posted them here. I stopped allowing replies to my posts because I was getting sick of dealing with spammers and thought it was the easy way out. However, these posts generated a lot of positive e-mail traffic and also a few comments when posted on the Change Your Thoughts Blog so I thought I’d revisit the subject.

A number people sent me their very own tried and trusted methods for guaranteeing a lifetime of wretchedness in case my own suggestions didn’t have the requisite effect. I feel honor-bound to offer a couple up for general consumption. To the person that suggested voting for an incompetent politician just so you can whine for 4 years. I like your enthusiasm, but would like to ask this, how will you know if you get what you wish for?

If you have tried to get depressed recently but found yourself slipping into happiness from time to time, don’t despair help is at hand. A caveat before we get going though. Nobody is born unhappy. It’s not our natural state at all. You weren’t born with the kind of ugly scowl on your face that would offend a bull dog sniffing a skunk’s rear end. Well maybe you were, but it wasn’t there because kids of today have no respect or it was raining. It was more likely because you were covered in nasty tasting goo, absolutely famished and had no idea what in the hells name was going on. Consequently, there’s no overnight success to being really miserable, you have to work at it.

Thanks to the people that suggested some of these and I hope you don’t mind any revisions I have made.

Understand the grass is always greener. It doesn’t matter how well things are going for you they should be going a bit better. Never ever be happy or grateful for what you have. Remember that story about a guy that found a bag of 100 gold coins, except there was only 99 or something like that. He spent the rest of his life bemoaning his bad luck and looking for the missing coin. Now that’s what I call a devotion to being miserable. Model this guy whoever he was and whatever it was he did. I’ve no idea what I’m talking about so just Google ‘gold’ and I’m sure it’ll be number one.

Defy the aging process. Ageing is for losers with no money. Book in as many body-altering procedures as possible and then book in some more. If any surgeon says you look like a trout and he thinks you have had enough, fly to Mexico and find a surgeon there that will take your hard earned cash without putting your health first. If your friends start to look strangely at you, don’t worry, it probably means you need one or two more ops just to tighten things up behind your ears a little. If you have no money, don’t worry, you can do it yourself. There are bound to be explanations of what to do on the Internet so show a bit of initiative and dive in with enthusiasm. Note of warning. You may want to splash out on some rather large sunglasses and a big hat before you start, just in case.

Be jealous. If your friend gets a rise. inherits some money or wins on the lottery that means there is less for you. There is only so much money and so much good luck to go round you know. Seethe about their good fortune, whine to mutual friends about what a lucky ******* they are and try and make them feel bad at every opportunity by looking miserable. Just remember, if they were a good friend they’d give you all their cash and the deeds to their house anyway, so it’s obvious they hate you.

One-up people. If you’re in a group of people and somebody tells a fascinating story, one-up them with a better one. Try and make them look small and uninteresting compared to you. This works especially well when you have to invent stuff because you’ve never actually done anything of interest. In such cases, forget what you said and contradict yourself later on thus looking even more idiotic when everybody realizes you’re lying through your teeth. Don’t be bashful in pointing out you wrestled live crocodiles before that guy Dundee did, stormed the Normandy beaches solo the day before the Allied forces even turned up and would have been the first man on Mars if hadn’t been for the ‘bigwigs’ getting cold feet when they heard of your prototype metal brain.

Laugh less. The world is a serious place and people need to understand that, so tell them. If somebody tries to make light of a situation with a joke tell them it’s inappropriate and in bad taste. If it isn’t appropriate or in bad taste don’t let that stop you bringing everybody down. Ways to do so are; Butting in early with the punch line to a joke. Telling people that joke was funnier when you heard it 5 years ago or reminding them that some people can’t laugh because they had their mouths sown shut during Government experiments that went wrong in the war.

I think I’m going to leave it there for the time being because I reckon this could become almost like a piece of open source code and be fine-tuned and added to from time to time. Not that I have any idea what open source code is, but it sounds quite interesting.