You may or may not remember, but about a year or so ago I was generous enough to offer up free of charge the 2 most powerful questions in the world. These were designed to help you on your way to profound self-discovery and a life of pure unbridled ecstasy.
If you weren’t reading here then that’s just terrible luck, but you can check them out in my extremely informative, highly acclaimed and reasonably priced book (and e-book) if unbridled ecstasy is your thing.
Today rather than whole sentences, I’m going to give you two words guaranteed to make your journey of self-development a tad trickier than it needs to be.
“A tad trickier, a tad trickier! Are you nuts, it’s tricky enough as it is!” I hear you wail, “I need tips man and lots of them. The kind that will make my life a breeze. Tips that require absolutely no manual intervention by me except maybe to read this post and chant a few affirmations from time to time.
I want to read posts like ‘10 Ways To Guaranteed Happiness in 6 Minutes’ or ‘Earn a Million Bucks Whilst Taking An Afternoon Nap‘ or ‘The 8 Secrets God Didn’t Want You To Know About’ Not some crap about making stuff harder, you imbecile!”
OK I get the message, but here’s the secret with these words; if you know what they are and how they restrict your personal growth then you know to use them sparingly. It’s a cunningly simple plan that few people ever manage to grasp, but you are cunning and you’re not simple, so YOU will.
Are you a whyner? Do you whyne at your kids, whyne at your boss and whyne to yourself incessantly?
I bet you do, because in my experience most people do. If you have half an eye on the comment field now itching to tell me I’ve spelt the word whine incorrectly, resist that urge; all is about to become apparent
I am talking about the pandemic and excessive use of the word ‘Why”
Of course it has its uses like any other word in the English language, but on the whole it is a horrible word, a restrictive word and a confrontational word that rarely adds value.
I’ve had people tell me earnestly that they need to use the word because it helps them to understand their motives and reasons behind certain detrimental behaviors.
I’ve even had ‘experts’ in the field of personal development tell me that it’s important for people to question their actions in such a manner.
Here is my carefully considered, thoughtful and never less than professional response to that theory.
It’s bullshit!
The word ‘why’ is accusatory and often aggressive. Think of the word and its connotations for a moment. It conjures up a vision of one person talking down to another. Quite often it will be a parent or teacher talking to a child and maybe even jabbing a finger at them as they rebuke them for some misdemeanor.
Immediately we hear that word we start to move into defense mode because we’re being asked to justify something, either by our self or somebody else. We start mentally sorting for reasons why we acted like that thus looking at the symptom (the action) and not the cause (the reason behind the action).
Imagine somebody saying any of the phrases below to you and how you would feel.
1. “Why haven’t you finished that report?”
2. “Why did you only get a C in Math”
3. “Why do you stink of goats?”
It’s almost impossible to be questioned like that and not feel defensive. You’re being put on the spot to justify something you’ve done. Because of that, many people have a tendency to either try and shift the blame to somebody or something else or accept blame for themselves and feel bad about it. Therefore they’ll answer along these lines.
1. “Because somebody told me the deadline had shifted.”
2. “Because I’m a moron”
3. “It’s not me that stinks of goat, it’s my kids”
Those reasons may or may not be true, but they seldom help move the situation along and neither side in the conversation is feeling great at this stage.
There is another way to deal with this, one that actually helps to promote a more co-conspiratorial role between the two sides.
1. What prevented you from finishing the report and how can I help you finish it next time?
2. How could you have better been in a position to get a ‘B’ in Math?
3. That’s’ an interesting aroma you’ve got going on there. Is it essence of Goat perchance?
Those questions are solution-focused questions. They shift the thinking of the receiver and just as importantly, they don’t put them on the back foot having to defend their actions.
The same goes for the internal questions we ask ourselves. If we keep hitting ourselves with a barrage of negative ‘why’ questions like:
1. “Why do I undermine myself all the time?
2. “Why can’t I ever seem to follow through with my plans”?
3. “Why do my teeth make me look like a horse?”
We’ll start to feel bad because we rarely get solutions to difficulties by asking questions like those. They will though nurture a victim mindset and help develop a low self-esteem, so there is that.
I know I’m in danger of laboring the point, but let’s take one last look at some liberating questions that could be used to develop a more positive can-do attitude and have you feeling better and more upbeat about yourself:
1. What can I do differently in the future to help reduce the likelihood of me undermining myself?
2. How could I help myself follow through more regularly?
3. Which dentist has the requisite skill set to have me looking like Donny Osmond before you can say “And They Call It Puppy Love?”
I rarely use the ‘why’ word with clients because there are always better alternatives.
I am so adamant (code for arrogant) about this I’m going to throw out a challenge.
I’ll give a copy of my extremely informative, highly acclaimed and reasonably priced book to any person that can come up with a situation where the word why can’t be replaced by something else more productive.
If you live in the US I’ll even make it the hardback version, if of course that’s preferable to the e-book.
So what are you waiting for, get to it?
Oh yeh, the other word?
Sorry, but I had no idea that the first part was going to take me so long and there’s a storm a-brewing outside called Fay.
I have things to attend to so I have conveniently made this a two-parter. How exciting is that, I ask you?
Tim Brownson is a Certified Life Coach and has been unsticking people and helping them reach their true potential since 2005. If you would like to know how he can help you
Well, I have the book already so I’m not very motivated to meet the challenge. But thinking about it, I guess you’re right.
I mean,
Why am I stuck in a dead-end job? –> What can I do to become more successful in my career?
Why did I just eat that donut? –> How can I make sure I eat a healthy breakfast tomorrow?
Yup, I think you’re right.
Our nursery school is filled with toddlers. Other than the words “number” and “two,” “why” is a perennial favorite. We tell them, consistently, that if they are using the word for discovery, it is okay. Otherwise, it isn’t. If this advice works for two year olds, it should certainly work for us.
It’s interesting that there are a number of blog posts being published around the same time about asking questions to oneself. I’ve learned that the same answer always apply to questions on why. Why is life unfair? Why am I not achieving success? Why can’t I lose weight? The answer: I created it.
Tim, what do you think about the use of “why” as in “reasons why” — eg “Why you should buy Tim’s brilliant book”, “Why puppy dogs are cute”, etc…? In those cases, I can’t see how it’s a negative sort of word.
Other than that, some very thought-provoking and even thought-changing words, as ever. I’ve always been a little bit dubious about the advice to keep asking “why” to get to the bottom of something. As a kid, the parental response after a series of “Why … but why …” was “Because I say so!”
I’ve always thought of “Why?” as a question that would help me get to the bottom of things. But now that you point this out, I can see that it’s really been an excuse to be stagnant and takes away my power to create change. Why do I always act that way? Why can’t I stop eating when I’m not hungry anymore? Why didn’t I get more work done this weekend?
What I should be asking is: How can I act differently next time? What strategies will help me tune into my body’s hunger signals and stop eating when I’m satisfied? And how can I plan for next weekend to make my time more productive?
Thanks for the thought-provoking post.
@ Vered – Well if you agree with me, I know I’m on to something solid this time ;-)
@ Writer Dad – LOL – I’m surprised and encouraged that they are told that. Brilliant stuff!
@ Evelyn – There are?? Damn why am I so unoriginal? ;-)
@ Ali – They are good examples, but they are used as explanations rather than questions. Technically you’re right but I’m banning your entry because you have the book, it’s not what I meant and I’m a bad loser.
@ Ami – That’s exactly it Ami, and thanks for the brilliant examples.
Tomorrows word is even better!!!!
Tim,
Why did I violate my number one rule for cold callers?
Why did I just buy frozen fish at my front door?
Why did I suck at bartering so badly it was embarrassing?
Why did my mental arithmetic fail me?
Why did I get sucked in?
I’m cross with myself. So why not ask why?
I want to get to the root cause of this problem quickly, in case another jerk calls at my front door within the next 10 minutes, trying to offload some ‘Goat Perfume’ on me.
‘Why’ is pretty incisive. It does the job. It’s great for emergency situations.
BTW. I haven’t finished your book yet. Don’t ask me why!
Cheers
Dave.
Hi Tim – that’s a really good point. So why does that person’s kids stink of goats?
I once asked my ex-husband, in what I thought was a non-agressive way, why he told so many lies. And he threw a glass at me. Luckily I dodged it, but I’ve been very careful about using the word why since then.
@ Dave – What’s your number one rule for cold callers? Buy the goat perfume, it’s glorious. What can we do to help you make time to read my book you bastard?
@ Cath – Because they’re KIDS!! Gedditt?
As I wrote that I said to myself, nobody but nobody will pick up on this highly amusing school boy type joke. I was right ;-)
I agree with you that it’s important to phrase a question in the most positive way if you want to get the most positive results. BUT I would love to get that book, so I’m going to play Devil’s advocate and try to come up with a situation where “why” is the only word that works:
How about:
- why is the sky blue?
or, when trying to get my kids to think through a problem:
- why do you think that is so…?
KIDS! Oh man, that’s sooo bad, it’s funny! I can’t believe I didn’t get it. Maybe it’s because of the rage I was in?
Just like you, I’ve got two very powerful words for cold callers and the second one is ‘off’.
What could you do to help me make time to read your book? INCLUDE PICTURES!
@ Carole – In the first example there’s nothing really wrong per se with that question, but I said where it can’t be replaced by something more productive. I happen to think “What makes the sky appear blue?” Is a better question. It may sound a bit convoluted but it asks for a specific reason. I can just imagine the answer to the first question would be “Because it just is now shut up and eat your breakfast”
The second one is similar. If you asked “What causes you to think that? You are much more likely to open up a debate.
There’s nothing really wrong with what you’re saying and I am being fairly pedantic, but that’s just me, I’m a pedant ;-)
Close but no cigar!
@ Dave – There’s pictures in Know Yourself – Change Yourself, what more do you want?
Alright, you got me. Can’t say I didn’t try! : )
If your purpose is to put someone on the spot then saying why is the correct choice.
Picture Laurie sitting with her hub and her mother-in-law who moved three houses up the street just to be close to her son. Mimi, as my boys call her, is talking about what she wants to have happen when she dies. Mimi instructs Laurie that Laurie is suppose to take her ashed , along with her hubs and my hubs and sprinkle the three of them together in the mountains of Tennessee. Laurie takes a deep breath and then asks,”Why would you think that my hub would not want to be bured with me?” Yes, good times in Raymond’s neighborhood.
Another time when why is the right choice:
The intruder is staring at you, the sweet fraile, young lady, as he clinches a butcher knife and drools from the corned of his mouth. He begins to slowly walk toward you with a chuckle under his breath. Now is a good time to ask, “Why are you looking at me that way with that knife in your hand?”
Tim, Why do you think everyone should read your book?
Why did you wear that striped shirt in the How to be miserable video?
What possessed you to wear that striped shirt in the video?
How could you ever live down wearing such an offensive shirt?
Yeah you are right Tim. Why sucks (just like the shirt)
Please no hate mail readers. The shirt comments are in jest. (sort of a continuation of a comment I made to Tim on stumbleupon)
Sign me up for the book where I earn a million dollars while taking an afternoon nap. I’m very good at napping. I also hate it when people comment on my goat smell – it’s just plain rude. Besides it’s my dad’s fault; they’re his goats.
As for questions involving “WHY?”, well I’ve wasted years of my life asking those and to no positive effect so you have me convinced. The proof was in the pudding when I started using them on my son and found that you NEVER get an answer or even a conversation when you ask a 4 year old WHY they did something. Since I find most adults have a stubborn 4 year old in them, it makes sense WHY questiosn don’t work for us either.
Waiting for the second part with bated breath.
Kelly
Why is this topic so extremely fascinating to me? :)
“Why?”
“There is no why.”
(Philippe Petit; Twin Towers; NY; August 1974)
http://markmccluretoday.com/this-is-what-were-here-for
Hi Kelly,
I’ve no idea whether you’ll actually get to see this, but I was wondering whether you’d be kind enough to share an example of how moving away from ‘why’ has improved things for you. I only ask because I’ve got a few kids – not the smelly goat kind – and I’m always looking for ways to improve my communication with them.
I guess I could finish reading Tim’s book – but where’s the fun in that?
Dave.
@ Laurie – Ok if you want to provoke confrontation, then I agree why is an excellent choice!
@ Leanne – In jest my ass, you’ve had it in for that shirt since day one. I remember that scathing attack on its stripiness and the ridiculing of it’s pocket position as clear as day. It’s only human you know, it has a heart too just like me and you. Well I say you, I think it’s quite obvious you have no heart, or at least only a small one that delivers blood to major organs and stuff like that. You’re banned until my next post.
@ Kelly – it sounds like your kid (no more goat jokes people) has taught you a valuable lesson. If you ask nicely I bet he can also show you that screwdrivers and plasma TV’s don’t go together too.
@ Tommy – I have no idea, you tell me why?
@ Mark – I think you’ve missed the point there. When he was about to start his tightroping thing across the Twin Towers somebody in authority said to him
“Are you drunk?”
“No. of course not I am French”
“You can’t do it drunk you know?”
“I am not drunk you imbecile”
“What’s that in your bag?”
(Hiding bag behind him “What bag?”
“That one behind you, it’s got some wine in it hasn’t it?”
“There is no wine”
A simple misquote I’m afraid Mark
@ Dave – the last chapter is hilarious, now send me some more money.
Bloody hell.
First you want to spoil the book for me by giving me all the stuff in the middle…. and now you want to spoil the end for me by telling me it’s funny. Damn you, man. I was looking for a tear jerker.
@ Dave – Don’t worry you’ll be crying alright when you realized you paid good money for it.
PS The Butler did it.
This is a great post, Tim.
“Why” has been abused all to hell. It’s a great word when one is using it for the right reasons, but too few know enough about the thought processes going on inside their heads to be able to assess when they’re using it in the right way and when they are using it just to kick their own asses.
Translating “why” to “what can I do different (or the same in the case of success)” is very powerful.
Of course, I could have just “Damned right, Tim!” – but I haven’t commented enough over here (sadly, because you’re spot on and do great things) to not have it seem spammy.
So I think I should get a “Damned right” pass for a few weeks.
Keep up the great work!
[...] A Daring Adventure – Two Little Words To Change Your Life [...]
@ Charlie – Thanks a lot for that. I don’t mind a few suck up comments. I’ll let you know when my ego takes over completely ;-)
I wonder if why were banned for the language what effect it would have?
Why don’t you like us?
Why?
Why?
Why?
…and in a whispering voice he replied, “because I am shy”.
@ Chocolate Thunder – I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about but who cares about that? Welcome!
Ok, here’s a situation for you:
“What’s a 3 letter word starting with ‘w’ and ending with ‘y’?”
Yes, I’m a smartarse :)
@ Si – Nothing wrong with being a smart arse!
I was stepping up to the challenge for my free book.
It is an excerpt from a semi-famous kid’s book. If you can find a substitution for “Why you don’t like us, Why Why Why”, you will have an ever harder time finding one that rhymes like “shy” does.
How about “what is it about us you dislike? What, what what?
and in a whispering voice she replied, “because your a “???”.
Thanks for the informative post.. :)