Over the last few months you may have well noticed my posts have got longer and longer. That’s mainly because I’ve wanted to go into more detail so you can actually use what I tell you to good effect.
Long posts that don’t encourage scanning by using lots of juicy sub-headings and bullet points don’t go down too well with most blog readers. Fortunately, I’m arrogant enough to believe you’re not the average blog reader and the quality of the comments section here demonstrates that to me over and over again.
However, this post doesn’t fit my recent modus operandi. In fact I’m only even talking about modus operandi in a feeble attempt to fill up some space so the picture doesn’t go further down the post than the writing.
If I had a dollar for every time I’d started a sentence “The key to self development is…..” I’d probably not be typing this now because I’d be lounging around on some Caribbean Island I’d bought for cash, drinking cocktails with umbrellas in them and wearing hideous beach attire.
At various times I have claimed the key to self-development is commitment, belief, understanding your values, motivation and hiring me as to be your life coach. Not to mention, changing your identity, having fun and being aware of the language you use. See this post if you have any doubts!
Well obviously they can’t all be THE key, so what is then?
Is there even one key, or is my confusion based on the fact we’re all different? Maybe what works for one person in one situation won’t necessarily work for the next person in a different situation.
Recently I found myself starting the dreaded sentence for the nth time with a client and I inwardly groaned. One of these days I thought, somebody is going to say to me “You’re a fake Life Coach, Brownson! Not only that, but you have a rather worrying key fetish too”
It was too late to stop myself though and I blurted out:
“The key to self-development is being kind to yourself”
I immediately wanted to retract it, but I could see it had made somewhat of an impact on the client and I kept quiet. After my client had left I pondered this some more, and as I did so I became more and more convinced that really was THE key.
After all, the other stuff is redundant if you’re not prepared to treat yourself with the level of kindness you’d want and hope for from others.
It’s not good being motivated, if that motivation is employed to give yourself a good kicking. It’s no good believing change is possible if you continue to put yourself down when it doesn’t come quickly enough. It’s no good being committed, if you’re committed to tearing yourself off a strip when things don’t go according to plan. And it’s no good watching your language if what you observe is negative and abusive and you do nothing to change it.
That’s it really. As I say in my book ‘Don’t Ask Stupid Questions’ YOU are the most important person on the world to YOU.
So Be Kind To Yourself, Always. No Excuses!
I love the TED talks and I stumbled across this older one by Sir Ken Robinson on education and creativity. Not only it very funny, but it takes what I think is a brilliant viewpoint on education and the way we teach kids. I urge you to check it out.
IMPORTANTish: I’ve had some problems with 1shoppingcart and some people that ordered the free version of ‘Stress is for Suckers’ didn’t get the download link. I’m looking into this and if you have ordered it and not received it, please e-mail me and I’ll manually send a copy. If you haven’t ordered but were going to, just do so and I’ll e-mail a copy anyway.
I suppose you do have a good point there, why would you do something for somebody who isn’t even nice to you? And there really isn’t any point in doing great things and achieving a lot if you’re miserable and feeling punished the whole time.
Tracys last blog post..6 Things I secretly hope are included in life coaching
Hi Tim~
Great insight. If you’re kind to yourself, you’ll approach personal development in a much healthier way.
I think the personal development industry has the potential to be dangerous; it appeals to a large mass of people, many of whom don’t actually like themselves, which keeps them buying books, attending seminars, and looking for new ways to become someone better–someone worthy of self love. I don’t think this can happen as a result of all those efforts. In fact, I’d say all those efforts are pretty pointless unless you love yourself exactly as you are. Love and kindness, IMHO, are the keys to enacting any meaningful change.
Lori
Loris last blog post..The Law of Attraction: Do We Really Have Power?
I wish you had written this a few weeks earlier. I had been struggling with some tasks since last two weeks. No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t be productive – which lead to more stress and pressure – which lead to being more unproductive. It’s only when I let go off the pressure and allowed myself to be unproductive that I became productive. So ironical :)
Avani-Mehtas last blog post..New Year Resolution – Learnings & Updates
@ Tracy – Precisely!
@ Lori – I agree much of the material is a waste of time if you can’t look in the mirror and say “I love you”
@ Avani – Sorry, I’ll try harder next time ;-) However, you now have some great experience and know that being kind to yourself is so important. Next time you’ll know better, right?
Hi Tim,
I’m currently writing an e-book on what I believe is the problem with personal growth today. There seems to be lots of confusion about many aspects of personal growth, and “the key” is one of them.
What I believe is a common problem in personal growth is that reality isn’t taken into consideration (this is the issue I want to tackle in the guest post I told you about). We seem to be juggling different topics, without finding out how they relate to each other. Motivation, happiness, productivity, balance, relationships, spirituality, etc.
Each subject is important, and when we neglect one area (i.e. we have a deficiency in it), it becomes the most important and pressing need in our lives. If we constantly think negatively about ourselves, then thinking positively is the key. If we are unable to foster enriching relationships, then the ability to develop such relations is the key.
But at the root of all these issues is the understanding of human nature, and how we interact with the world we live in. This, I believe, is the key. We don’t live in a vacuum. Self-development exists in a context. That context is our life on earth. We need to develop as individuals so that we can take proper care of ourselves as human beings, and so that we can behave appropriately (i.e. in a life-enhancing way), given the circumstances and conditions in which we live.
There’s a lot more to mention about this, which is why I’m writing an e-book and not a blog post (or just a post comment!). We’ll hopefully discuss this more in the future. :)
Haiders last blog post..Short Film: What Is That?
@ Haider – I actually think we’re coming from the same direction with this one. Although I’m doubtful there is any one reality other than our own.
I do though think though there is a natural progression. In other words you can’t have actions without thoughts. Therefore, if we work on an action level we are treating symptoms and not the cause of any problem. That was a post I had planned for today, but I got so wrapped up in it I put it to one side and will go back to it next time or the time after that.
The act of being kind to ourselves has to be the starting point, doesn’t it? If we can’t demonstrate kindness would we even bother to work on self improvement no matter what area it is.
BTW, have you ever read The Power of Full Engagement? One of my all time favorites and the authors certainly embrace your ‘weakest link’ theory as do I.
You’re really hitting self esteem issues with this one Tim. How many people aren’t kind to themselves because they feel they don’t deserve it? While it sounds easy, being kind to oneself can be extremely difficult for a lot of people.
Second to that being ‘THE’ key, I think hiring you, or hiring me, would run a very close second! ;-)
Melindas last blog post..Free Blogathon April 2009 – Come Join Us!
I believe that there’s this one reality, which we all attempt to understand, with varying degrees of success. The more accurate our beliefs are, the better the results we get in life.
I think kindness is required, but a few steps down the road. The starting point is the acceptance that there is a fixed reality we are dealing with, which we have a capacity to understand. Therefore, we must develop understanding of this reality, in order to know how to deal with it.
We feel good when we set out to do something, and we actually achieve it. It means that our understanding is sound, and that we possess the competence to carry out the actions consistent with our understanding. It makes us feel part of a benevolent universe.
But since we are all adjusting to reality (i.e. we are fine-tuning our understanding and our skills), we don’t always have the right understanding, or possess the right skills. We can’t carry out a new task without first struggling. This struggle can lead us to doubt our abilities. It makes us feel incompetent and unable to follow through with our goals.
This is when kindness is essential. We need to accept the fact that we are neither omniscient or omnipotent. We will make intellectual and behavioral mistakes. These are part of our growth. Without this kindness, we won’t be able to persist with self-development (or with life, for that matter).
Kindness is important, but it’s not the starting point in self-development.
As for the book, I ordered it around 5 days ago from Amazon! :D
Haiders last blog post..Short Film: What Is That?
@ Melinda – That’s very true and you are absolutely right.
Do you not think though, until somebody that suffers from poor self-esteem can start to shift their thinking and adopt the belief that they are more worthy, positive change is highly unlikely?
I know when I get clients like that, it’s the first thing I work on.
Are we in a chicken and egg conversation here do you think?
@ Haider – This is a fascinating debate and I really look forward to your guest post!
I do find myself disagreeing though on the reality point. I think there are 6.5 billion different realities and if we can accept that we can move forward into a more tolerant and peaceful world.
Surely any act of self improvement or growth is an act of kindness to ourselves?
You’re making me think and thanks for that!
Tim, totally agree. There needs to be ’something’ that begins that shift. Whether that is treating themselves better or something else.
For me, it was a throwaway comment made by an NLP person. I had made the comment that I’d never done anything important. She asked “What, you haven’t achieved a single thing in your life so far?” That one comment, that the person doesn’t even remember, was the begining catalyst for enormous changes for me.
It really is a chicken and egg discussion. For each person it’s going to be something different that sparks that change. And being nice to themselves is always going to the be the end result.
Melindas last blog post..Monthly Book Giveaway – “Purple Cow” and “The Dip” by Seth Godin
I remember having a debate in Speakers’ Corner, and when I said the word “reality”, the person I was speaking to said: “Do you mean Reality with a capital ‘R’ or with a small ‘r’?”
There’s a Reality we are all seeking to understand, but how we respond to this Reality (i.e. the basis for our decisions) isn’t the nature of this Reality, but our own beliefs (small ‘r’ reality). When we act a certain way and don’t get the results we expect, it means reality isn’t aligned to Reality. We re-shape our own reality so that it is in better alignment with Reality (that’s where experience and learning seek to close the gap between Reality and reality).
Talking about Reality and reality can get quite confusing, which is why I refer to our own reality as our beliefs.
There are two issues related to tolerance worth noting:
1- Intolerance doesn’t stem from the acceptance of a single reality. It arises when we expect people to accept our beliefs about this one reality, without offering sufficient evidence that our beliefs match Reality, or accepting that people have free-will and they can choose to lead conscious lives, or evade reality. Without respecting people’s right to choose for themselves, we can take it upon ourselves to force them to accept a belief (no matter how true it is), without their consent or conviction.
2- Subjective reality doesn’t actually solve the problem of intolerance, but it justifies it! How? Well, if we accept that each individual’s beliefs are an expression of the reality in which he exists, then we cannot say that intolerance is wrong. You might believe it’s wrong, but it can be right in my own reality. You might believe killing is wrong, but you can’t tell me not to kill, because I exist in my own reality!
Subjective reality leads to subjective reasoning, which leads to subjective moral values. With such a formula, we can never make a case for tolerance, because we deny a common ground between us (i.e. a shared reality) we can use as the basis for our reasoning. We divide ourselves into little islands in which anything goes, including intolerance!
I think I went off topic, but I hope it’s making you think even more! ;)
Haiders last blog post..Short Film: What Is That?
In simplicity speak, I have always believed that what you radiate in energy is generally sent back to you…sometimes in spades. It doesn’t take long to figure out how a person feels about themselves. Sometimes you can tell before they open their mouth.
That said, no one person is an island. All of our successes have some level of interdependence with others. So, if we are unkind to ourselves, and we are to receive what we give, then you will not receive a positive reflection from others, and set yourself up for failure.
So, the act of loving ones self translates to a loving reflection from others, which makes for more fulfilling experiences……
There, I talked myself in a circle and am dizzy.
Must sit down….
PS, thanks Tim, Im cured, you’re fired….
I enjoyed this read Tim. I listened to an audio today that talked about how nobody can love you, or give to you, or a bunch of other things to an extent greater than you give those things things to yourself. You will not let someone love you more than you love yourself. I thought it was insightful.
My mind is tired tonight so I decided to be kind to myself and give up trying to follow the debate between you and Haider. :-)
Stephen – Rat Race Traps last blog post..Yes You Can!
You know Tim, I think there are many keys. Some are more important than others and some are just more important TO others.
The thing I’m dealing with is “Knowing Thyself”. If you asked me right now, I’d say that is “THE” key… not just “A” key.
It kinda of comes down to predicting my actions. I can make the most elaborate, detailed plan, or the most forgiving, flexible plan… either way I am not going to follow it. Its simply because I don’t know myself well enough to know that I’m not going to take the necessary actions. I might pretend that I want to when I’m making these plans, but that’s a lie and when it comes time to act… I don’t feel like it and I don’t care what the cost is. (But all of this is another story).
Maybe a/the KEY to success is getting you’re Id (inner child or whatever you want to call it) on board with your plans… or more correctly mapping your plans out so that your Id will automatically want to act.
Part of Knowing Thyself is Knowing Thy Id. Or better yet why not “Know All of Thyself” (Parent and child and anyone else running around in there).
In meditation class, our instructor always tells us to be kind to ourselves. This normally means being kind to our Child self… much like a “real” child sometimes you want to just yell at it until it conforms. Most people are constantly abusing their “inner child” and that might work very short term but it causes real and lasting problems.
So whether or not being kind to yourself is THE key, it is certainly a damn fine one.
Cheers!
Elliott
I agree! “In the end…only kindness matters….” Was that the Beattles? This post made me think of those lyrics and I think self love, kindness, and nourishment truly are the keys. Why not have a whole key chain? ;)
Dr. Nicoles last blog post..The Tough Economic Times Diet
I will look at the TED video later but hold on to your false teeth Tim and dig your toes into the ground…………I totally agree with you. so ha!!
You live in Florida…You already have that tacky beach attire.
@ Melinda – LOL, classic Meta Model! Sounds like it was intended and not really a throw away line to me.
@ Haider – Yeh I think you slipped a tad of topic, but it’s still interesting and I follow your logic. I think maybe, just maybe in a perfect world you could be right. However, I don’t think it is possible to achieve the state you are talking about.
Aren’t we really talking about the Buddhist view of Truth? The two seem inter-changeable to me. And I like the Budddhist take that Truth cannot be explained, because the minute you try and do so, it is no longer truth.
I think my head just exploded a little inside.
@ Stephen – Yeh sometimes it’s just best to let things go and live to debate another day ;-)
@ Elliott – I suppose which key you need depends on how far you have to go. For somebody that already likes them self, they obviously don’t need that particular key, they are on to the next stage. I still maintain though that without self-love (or at least self-like) progress is unlikely and that’s why I now think it’s the starting point.
BTW, the last post that Vlad wrote ‘Developing Self-Trust’ covers off some of what you talk about. As I said to him, I think you’d enjoy reading some Virginia Satir and her work on parts. It was the catalyst for John Grinder developing Six-Step Reframing.
@ Nicole – Yeh, I think we’re getting there. Maybe the picture was a Freudian slip because the guy isn’t holding just one key ;-)
@ Laurie – Shocking confession. I have lived here over 3 years and never been to either coast! We’re 50 minutes to the Atlantic and about 75 minutes to the Gulf and I’ve never made it. Law of averages, we had to agree one day!
Tim, she’s an NLP Master Practitioner and NLP trainer. So it was a ‘throw-away’ comment, it’s just that she’s so immersed in NLP questions it was pure meta-model naturally.
Melindas last blog post..Free Blogathon April 2009 – Come Join Us!
Tim,
“The key to self-development is being kind to yourself”
I just thought it needed mentioned again…we all go about our daily lives with disregard to the toxins we can put into our bodies. Self development needs positive reinforcement every single day. Lend an ear to a friend or be considerate to those around you who are going through rough times.
Everybody really had good points here.
Our environmental surroundings place such a crucial role in good health & development. We all just need to believe in ourselves a little more. Thanks!
Jake
Jake | Revive Your Lifes last blog post..Work Got You Down? Unload the Overload!
You’re really on your game with this post, Tim. I lolled and lolled quite literally. And I don’t have a problem with you having several different keys to self-development. I had a picture of some security-obsessed person’s door with locks and bolts and chairs wedged under the doorknob – well, one chair anyway – and some of us have only shot one bolt or turned one key, so for some of us there really is just one key required to open the door.
You like?
Me, I take the ‘There Is No Door’ approach to self-development but sometimes you break your nose.
Hilarys last blog post..Going with your own flow
@ Melinda – Gotcha.
@ Jake – Yeh good point. I am definitely guilty on that score. I don’t smoke and I eat fairly well, but I do like a glass of wine with a meal and other assorted alcoholic beverages too. Not breakfast though, I draw the line at vodka and cornflakes.
@ Hilary – LOL, I think get that!
I like this topic and article very much. However, I think it depends at what level you look at things. I personally put the key to self development to be belief. That is necessary even before you can be kind to yourself, you must belief it is worthwhile and you are worthwhile. Belief is before all the actions of self development as well, regardless of where you are at with the self confidence scale.
Mike Kings last blog post..The Imaginative Mind: Mental Creativity
I disagree with you on that Mike, and I’ll be very interested to hear Tim’s reply to you as well.
IMO often the action comes before the belief. We get clients taking action that support a particular belief, and the belief grows from that. Acting ‘as if’ a certain thing were true, and in the doing actually creating the belief and making it BE true.
Sometimes clients will be nice to themselves simply because the Coach has challenged them to do that. And from that they can realise that they do deserve it – and in comes the belief.
I realise this is not the case always, however in my experience it has been the way it works nine times out of ten.
Gross generalisation – if the client already had the belief then they wouldn’t be coming to a Coach for help with it.
Melindas last blog post..Help me help a friend in need
@ Mike – Yeh I’m with Melinda, I can’t agree with that at all bud.
Beliefs can be changed fairly easily. I have had clients come to me almost under duress with virtually no belief their life could change. Now, to be fair I suppose there must be a tiny element about belief, but I think that is present in everybody, so it’s a moot point. I do get where you’re coming from though.
@ Melinda – Who should we gang up on next? ;-)
[...] couple weeks ago I read an interesting article by Tim at A Daring Adventure about what the key to self development is and I felt a longer response was needed to explain my perspective [...]
[...] The Real Key To Self Development [...]
I think the personal development industry has the potential to be dangerous
Pulley bearingss last blog post..HongYi Castings
I agree with the idea of being kind to oneself as a key to self development. I would add an additional layer that seems to help people get to the point where they are kind to themselves: self awareness.
When people build up self-awareness they begin to understand how to move beyond the past and gain the confidence to interrupt the behaviors that have held them back. The more awareness people gain the more comfortable they are in their own skin and less likely to create havoc in their own and others’ lives.
Self-awareness opens the door to healing. It is this healing that positions the person to be able to like themselves. As they let go of the traumas and obstacles of the past they create new opportunities for development.
Take care,
Guy
Guy Farmers last blog post..Heal the Past to Move Forward
Love the tip about being kind to yourself. Someone once told me that you should treat yourself as you would treat your best friend.