Start With The End In Mind

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I was lying in bed last night pondering a conversation I’d had with a friend whilst playing golf the other day. It had been a lively discussion about the corporate world and I was fairly opinionated about what I thought made a good company. The actual content of the debate is irrelevant it is what happened afterwards that really matters.

My friend pointed out that I had a couple of blinds spots about certain things and to be honest this made me a little defensive. Immediately he said that I searched for examples where he had displayed similar behavior to prove that he was just as bad! In fact I think it’s probably fair to say I didn’t hear all he said because I was already composing my response.

I often ask people when they come for life coaching what is the minimum they want to achieve that will make them think the investment in time and money was worthwhile. I like this question because right up front it lets me know what I need to do but more pertinently makes them think about what is important to them. If we have no end game in mind when we set off to do anything, no goals or targets, how do we define success? It’s a little like hoping on a plane to go on vacation but only asking where you are going when you get there.

So where am I going with all this? Well as I said I was searching for examples to prove to my friend that not only was he as bad as me but probably even worse, when he asked me to not say anything until I had thought about what he’d said for a while. Five years ago I doubt I would have even drawn breath before diving back in but now I am a Life Coach and should be able to do have a little bit of self-discipline, right? After all, if I can’t bite my tongue and listen properly when I need to, how competent can I be at my job?

So I did reflect and did my opinion change? Well not really, maybe a bit, but that isn’t really the point. What changed was the way I viewed the conversation, I no longer felt compelled to batter my point home and at the same time recognized that my friends opinion was as equally valid as mine.

So next time you are in a similar heated situation quickly ask yourself internally ‘What do I want to gain from this?’ If the answer is that you want to make the other person feel small, to learn nothing, to create a bad atmosphere and to be thought of as an arrogant **** then go ahead and win that sucker, if win is the right word. On the other hand, if you would like to exit feeling good about yourself, learning a bit more about somebody else and what makes them tick and leaving them with a favorable opinion of you, back off and listen. Try and understand what they are saying and then respect their opinion as if it were your own because, and here’s the rub, if you had been born with their genes, had their upbringing and lived in their shoes you would indeed have their opinions.