The idea for the post entitled 7 Self Development Myths was inspired after reading a review in American Scientific Mind of the book ’50 Great Myths of Popular Psychological’
Some of the myths in the book are obvious and some fairly obscure, or just plain uninteresting, but I thought I’d share some of them with you today.
I’m going to kick off by going into the first one in a bit of detail because I feel so strongly about it. After that though you will be in scanning heaven as I offer a brief synopsis of each myth.
Men And Women Communicate Differently
Have you ever heard of confirmation bias? It’s the psychological phenomenon that suggests people look for evidence to support a belief they already hold, rather than seeking out contrary evidence.
And trust me, as a Life Coach, I see this on a daily basis.
Ironically it’s also the reason why urban myths persist and something it is wise to keep in mind when we believe something, but don’t quite know why.
If you keep hearing something again and again from numerous different sources you automatically start to believe it’s true.
Well let me tell you, I was dripping in confirmation bias when I finally read scientific proof that supported my belief that John Gray’s book “Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus” is as big a steaming pile of horse crap as I always thought it was.
I honestly can’t remember a book that pissed me of so much when I first read it. I was aware of the hype and the fact it sold a gazillion copies, spawned workshops, counseling centers, phone helplines and probably its own flavor of ice cream, but it left me cold.
I knew it wasn’t accurate because I was nothing like the men John Gray was talking about. Ok, I know what you’re thinking, I’m a bit weird and a tad too in touch with my feminine side, but that misses the point entirely, because I definitely am a man.
If you upset me you’ll know about and I wont be crawling into a cave to lick my wounds as Gray suggests. I also know plenty of women that would retreat and not show their emotions unlike the portrayed stereotype.
If you’re going to make huge generalizations and sweeping statements about the entire population of the planet, make sure you’re right. Or at the very least make sure what you’re saying is right and applicable for the vast majority of the people.
John Gray didn’t do that (he did make a lot of money though) and according to the authors of ‘50 Great Myths of Popular Psychological’ he didn’t even do any research of his own.
Here are 3 parts of the book that he got wrong.
- Women do not talk more than men
- Men do not interrupt more than women except in certain social situations
- Women are only slightly more likely to disclose personal information than men
The reason why I hate books like this is not just that they are poorly researched and hone in on peoples misconceptions and amplify them, but because they promote stereotyping and that is seldom useful.
I’m sure there was some good stuff in “Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus” even if I can’t remember it and I’m equally sure that some people got some benefit from the book.
However, if that means a few million people are wondering around with the false belief in their head that people act like they do simply because they are a man or a women and that’s just how it is, then that’s not helpful.
The Rorschach Inkblot Test
I can’t say I was surprised to read that this standard psychological test is deeply flawed and seldom offers any useful information.
Social Intuition
Women are better at reading feelings in others right? Wrong, actually there is no scientific proof to back that up.
Support Groups
This disappointed me because I read the report from the 80’s that suggested women attending breast cancer support groups were much more likely to go into remission and live longer.
Unfortunately whenever the original research is replicated (and it has been many times) the results suggest it has little or no effect.
Anger
There is a strong belief that it is better to release anger harmlessly by beating a pillow or taking a baseball bat to your TV when your favorite team loses, than to bottle it all in.
The exact opposite is true. Expressing anger actually increases your likelihood of becoming angry again and retaining that state for a longer period of time. Better to learn deep breathing exercises and put the baseball bat in the attic where it isn’t so accessible.
Old Folk
Contrary to popular opinion Grandpa Simpson is not the norm. People actually tend to get happier as they grow older and not more miserable as TV and Dick Cheney seem to suggest.
Opposites Attract
We all know couples where the two people have completely different personalities, right? Yet we know a lot more where the couples are similar in outlook (or at least started off that way) but we tend not to remember them so much because it’s not very interesting.
I liked this one because it backed up my own belief that if you have a partner with wildly different values it would be tricky (although by no means impossible) to make the relationship work.
Astrology
I’m getting smugger by the minute here because this is another one I already strongly believed. There has never been a serious scientific study to show astrological predictions about peoples personalities are better than chance.
I should write a post on this one day because Astrologers (and clairvoyants) write using Ericksonian language (otherwise known as artfully vague language) designed to make you think their readings are personal to you. They aren’t, it’s total bollocks.
Lie Detectors
Shouldn’t somebody tell all those daytime reality programs that demonize people based upon a polygraph test that they’re not very accurate?
I wonder how many marriages have been broken up or lives ruined by false positives from lie detectors. Oh well as long as it makes good TV who cares about the ramifications.
Child Abuse
This one really caught me napping. Most children that were abused growing up do NOT grow up to abuse others. I would have argued that one and I’d have been wrong.
Suicide
Apparently around 70% of people that commit suicide have mentioned to others that they may do so, and less than 25% ever leave a suicide note.
Take people talking about suicide very seriously indeed and don’t presume somebody needs to have been in long-term depression to consider it.
The ‘G’ Spot
There is zero evidence that the ‘G’ spot in women exists. Woo-hoo! it wasn’t my fault after all.
Affirmations
There is no proof whatsoever that chanting, “everyday in every way I’m getting better and better” will do anything other than get you a part in a Pink Panther movie.
Affirm as much as you like, but unless you change your behaviors it’s unlikely to do much other than irritate those around you and tun you into a basket case.
Obesity
We’ve all heard stories of fat people being more jolly and fun to be with. Unfortunately as well as being seriously harmful to your physical well-being, being overweight makes you slightly more likely to become depressed.
Do you have any more to add? Or are there any of the above that you still believe are true? Let me know in the comments.
Tim Brownson is a Certified Life Coach and has been unsticking people and helping them reach their true potential since 2005. If you would like to know how he can help you
I agree with most of this (though I believe there are feminine/masculine communication patterns, which has little to do with chromosomes), I do wonder how much of the research in these fields is tainted by research bias. I think that researchers have a sizable cynicism and probably enjoy debunking that which can’t easily be proven. That bias, whether recognized or not, can taint the design, methods and interpretation of the results. Just because a study says something, it’s not necessarily so – just look at “nutrition science” over the past 50 years. And the same is true of things that can’t be easily measured or double-blind studied.
Still, yeah, we as a whole still believe a whole lot of nonsense :)
OK, so this isn’t something to joke about – but I’m not sure you really meant that “Most children that were abused growing up do NOT grow up to abuse themselves”. I think perhaps you meant “…abuse others”?
Now to my point… This relates to the astrology thing. I believe you’re a fan of Derren Brown. Did you ever see the episode where he met with a group of people and asked them each to number an envelope and then put in a personal item (which wouldn’t identify them to him). This was done in secret. He then took the envelopes and, based on the item, wrote several pages of detailed text about that persons personality, hopes, dreams, aspirations, etc. He handed them back and asked the owners of the envelope to read his analysis in private. They were astounded – they rated accuracy from around 70% to 99%. He then asked them to swap their analysis with that of another participant and to read the other persons. To their amazement, it was an identical text – he’d given them all the same analysis and yet they all thought it accurately described them. He also did the same experiment with groups in several other countries with the same analysis (translated). It worked just as well.
I guess this means that whilst we like to think of ourselves as individuals, we have a lot in common in terms of hopes and fears. And a skilled person, like Derren, can make you think they can ‘read’ you. I see astrology as a poor form of Derren’s skill.
@ Debi – I think there’s a lot of truth in what you say. As long as we keep asking the questions and not believing everything we’re told then I think we’re moving in the right direction.
@ Mark – LOL, thanks for that, I’ve gone back an edited it.
Yes I did see that Derren Brown show and it was brilliant.
Sorry Tim, I tend to agree with you and most of what you say here is true, but the G-Spot exists! It’s just either not as pleasurable for some women, or they haven’t found it and haven’t had great help!
Sorry, I’m just passionate about that one, especially when used as an excuse.
@ Liz – I’m sorry I can’t hear you as I have my fingers in my ears and I’m shouting very loudly “Sweet Jesus let it not be true” over and over again.
Hey, maybe I do believe in affirmations after all.
Ha! Whether the G-spot exists or not is immaterial, because in either case it can STILL be your fault.
:p
Haha. You won with your wit! But I have studies disproving that one.
@ Maartje – Yeh I really do get that ;-)
@ Liz – Seriously I’d love to read them because this book genuinely said that no conclusive proof had ever been found.
@Maartje It can always be their/his fault :)
Oh my gosh, I hated that book too. I was so annoyed that I’m supposed to let men retreat to their inner man cave while I just sit on my own feelings. What a stupid idea – so glad my hubbie is a communicator. I mean he HAS a man cave, but it’s his area where he works on his bikes. It’s not some deep recess in his head.
That said, I don’t know about the other items you’ve listed, but the G Spot definitely exists for at least 1 woman (this is something I KNOW for sure)
Definitely some interesting things in there. I’d like to see some of the research on it. May have to look up that book.
As for affirmations, I have felt that to be so because they just don’t seem to work for so many people. It’s much more productive to address the specific reasons you don’t agree with the specific affirmation and then you might actually believe it.
Tim, am I being smug in thinking that you put the G spot in your post because you were influenced by all the sex talk at my site?
I’m not so sure there is no G spot, btw. Beverly Whipple has some interesting research on paralyzed women and G spot stimulation.
Anyway, I think men and women are kind of different sometimes but not all the time. And some men have well developed feminine sides and some women have well developed masculine sides. And some men fulfill all of the Mars/Venus stereotypes and so do some women.
Which is to say that there are lots of different shades of people.
Hey, Tim!
I love that you wrote this. I was so upset with the premise of the Mars/Venus book when it gained popularity that I’d switch channels whenever I ran across the author being interviewed on yet *another* talk show. It felt to me from the beginning that all it would do was put up walls between the genders, affirming anyone’s already developed belief (read: excuse) that men and women are *so* different we can’t communicate without an instruction book. What bunk!
And thank you so much for pointing out that children who were abused don’t grow up to be abusers of children. When I first heard this, I felt condemned – like I had to be on constant watch every time my anger flared – because I was abused as a child. I think an environment growing up of abuse being acceptable does much more psychological harm, but even then we learn from society as soon as we’re socialized that it is wrong and become responsible for our own actions as individuals.
Your post was a great read!
Annie
@ Wendy – My man cave is a foaming bath with some nice Moulton Brown candles and a glass of Sauvignon Blanc. I swear most people must think I’m gay when I talk about this stuff.
@ Nicole – That’s a really excellent point and one I hadn’t considered. I think you’re right, if there is belief behind the affirmation then it may indeed help. The alternative is we are lying and start to lose trust in ourselves.
@ Alisa – “Which is to say that there are lots of different shades of people.”
Exactly and that’s what the book missed completely imo.
Was there sex mentioned on your blog? I really don’t remember now ;-)
@ Annie – You’re welcome. It’s a shame that when some books get on a roll that social proof takes over and people start to ‘love’ them just because they think they should and everybody else does.
Maybe it’s a case of The Emperors New Clothes.
Glad to hear you broke the cycle of abuse too, good for you!
I remember reading about The Rorschach Inkblot Test, that if you say that you see an inkblot, instead of describing butterflies, breasts, and whatnot, it’s taken as a sign of psychosis.
I think this is a seriously scary thought. The person who sees the obvious truth is crazier than one who imagines things?
Just my 2 cents :)
//sami
@ Sami – LOL, that’s funny, and well spotted!
Proof or you’re lying. ;)
@ Tim,
You could at least say that your “man cave” has a shotgun hanging above it or some pictures of Triumph motorcycles hanging there…..
Oh, and the G-spot exists. (verifiable) It causes 2 G-words quite frequently. Oh God, and Get out~!
And, now, off to Alisa’s blog!
Instead of saying men and women communicate differently, everyone communicate differently.
To same person, we may have differently emotion during talking, don’t?
Anyways, Thanks for your sharing, nice!
John Medina, the author of Brain Rules, says male and female brains ARE different…
http://www.brainrules.net/gender
@ Bud – I’ll send you some photos.
@ Mike – I’d be fooling nobody if I said that. For gods sake man, I’m the guy who’s wife wont let him pick a screwdriver up.
@ January – I agree, but we’re talking in the context of the book which is talking about the differences between men and women.
@ Chris – I don’t doubt that for one moment, I’m talking about communication. As I say, the fact that there are millions of people that don’t fit Grays stereotype means by default it’s bullshit.
I know, just feel like to share what I thought after reading.
haha…
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Hey Tim – I loved the original 7 myths. Thanks for following up. On the topic of Ericksonian language and astrology: I never believed in astrology, but years ago I got hooked on Athena Starwoman’s astrology feature in Vogue magazine. Month after month, she described my life to a ‘T’. Then one month I decided to read all my loved ones’ horoscopes. Imagine my shock when I realized the horoscope for every sign described my life to a ‘T’!
To this day, I tend to believe that people with hokey names like, ‘Athena Starwoman’, are probably bogus. I wonder if there is any research to support my theory? ;-)
@ Julia Probably bogus? I’d go a step further than that ;-)
Well okay, I try to avoid snap judgments, but a name does communicates a lot!
BTW, I want to invite you to enter your blog in the Best Coaching Blogs 2010 contest. The contest officially launches tomorrow, but the entry page is live now. It’s at: http://www.schoolofcoachingmastery.com/best-coaching-blogs-2010-entry
@ Julia – Having said that I know there is a disproportionate probability of people having a name that equates to their job. There are more butchers called Butcher and hairdressers called Barber etc than chance would suggest.
I probably wont put my name forward, only because I think that’s for others to do if they want. I feel uncomfortable with that kind of thing.
I know, I know, I need a life coach.