I have never met a client that didn’t hold themselves up to higher standard than they did others, even those closest to them.
I don’t think this is simply because I’m a professional Life Coach and my view is skewed because people come to me to change, I honestly believe it’s about as close to a universal truth as possible.
It’s also probably the single biggest source of human misery.
That’s a fairly contentious statement I understand. After all, as a species we’re pretty damn good at heaping misery upon ourselves and seem to have a capacity for self-loathing unparalleled anywhere else in nature.
Surely then, setting higher standards is the way out of that?
As you know I love huge goals. If you came to me for life coaching I’d encourage you to aim really high, then a bit higher, and then just a little bit higher again if you don’t mind.
Admittedly there’s a danger with this approach if I don’t explain the goal setting process properly because I could be setting you up for huge disappointment if you then miss by a mile.
Understand though, I wouldn’t tell a client to set a goal like I have of giving away 1,000,000 copies of my book and then just leave it at that.
As I have had reminded to me a couple of times lately goals must be flexible and more importantly, must be treated as fun.
I’ve said here several times that I’d rather set a goal of giving 1,000,000 books away and only getting to 500,000, than having a goal of 50,000 and hitting it.
Sure learn how to set great goals, but don’t attach yourself to the result, because they’re just goals, they’re not life and death and they don’t define you as a person
If I only sell 5,000 copies of How To Be Rich and Happy, I’ll not worry about showing my face round here again through fear of ridicule. I’ll be a tad bummed for a day or so, but I can can learn from it and move forward.
The critical thing to understand though is goals are not standards.
I was speaking to a client this week that said to me; “Surely everybody should have ridiculously high standards?’
Absolutely not, nobody should have ridiculously high standards. It’s ridiculously high standards that end up in tears and low self-esteem, not ridiculously high goals.
I’m sure you may very well be foaming at the mouth at this point and thinking I’ve completely lost the plot, so let me explain what I mean because the clue is in the name.
A standard is just that, a standard.
A standard is the benchmark, an absolutely minimum requirement. If you set yourself ridiculously high standards you are bound to miss them over and over again and that will make you feel shit over and over again.
It’s the gift that just keeps giving.
Aiming high and being the best person you can be, is not the same as thinking you have to be better than everybody else. Seriously, there are 6.5 billion people on this earth, what makes you think you should be better than everybody else?
Note the word ‘should’ there. I didn’t say want or would like or it would be fun to be better. If you say you should, or need to, or must, hold yourself to higher standards you never have a way out on the days when things aren’t quite going to plan because you have made it a necessity.
A much better approach is to set yourself one standard, and that is to do your best.
Your best isn’t fixed, it will depend on many things some of which are within your control and some of which are not.
If you’re feeling unwell, hungover or just in a bad mood, then your best will fall short of when you are pumped for life and firing on all cylinders. But that’s ok, because amazingly enough it’s the same for everybody.
You may now be thinking that if you set a standard of doing your best and then feel like you haven’t done your best you can start beating yourself up again, right?
Wrong!
By doing that you are continuing to move away from doing your best. Nobody is doing their best when they’re telling themselves what a complete tosspot they are.
You break the downward spiral by intervening and asking yourself: Am I doing my best?
Even when I am messing around on Twitter I’m still doing my best. It may be my best to have fun, it maybe be my best to make people laugh (it did happen once I swear) or it may just be my best to educate people about what I do.
It doesn’t always pan as I’d like it to in an ideal world, but so what? It’s not life and death.
Setting yourself crazy high standards wont ever work in making you a better, happier and more content person and you’re fooling yourself if you think otherwise.
Tim Brownson is a Certified Life Coach and has been unsticking people and helping them reach their true potential since 2005. If you would like to know how he can help you
There is a line from a song that struck me during a time when I was single, and wondering if I would end up staying that way forever.
The line is from an 80s ABC song called “Poison Arrow” and is “lower your sights, but raise your aim.”
Hearing that line at the right time and with my mind looking for an answer caused a paradigm shift that truly changed my life.
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This post was mentioned on Twitter by TimBrownson: Screw convention – Lower Your Standards http://snipurl.com/vv8zx...
Hi Tim,
This is a great reminder that we all need to have some standards, but that they can’t be so high that no one or no situation can ever match up to them. If you are looking for the perfect job, perfect relationship, perfect client, etc, you will be waiting for a really long time. A lot of times good is good enough :-)
Karen
Hey Tim,
This is an unusual idea, but totally expected coming from you. ;) And I completely agree.
Some people may aim to low, but some people also aim to high. They want too much, too fast, with too little effort. For example, they may want the perfect job, right out of college, after applying to one single job opening. That’s not thinking big, it’s perfectionism. And it kills happiness and results rather than sustain them.
Beautiful distinction. Great goals should inspire and uplift you, even if you don’t attain them. They fill you with hope and joy in the journey. Standards and shoulds constrain you in a mindset of perfectionism and judgment. They chain you in expectation and attachment to result.
I don’t know if this is just me but I know am definitely my own worse critic. If someone dared to verbalize the stuff I’ve said to myself in my head I’d wipe the floor with them – don’t be fooled by the sweet smile. I can be lethal if riled ;) – So why do we do it to ourselves? I suspect I’m getting better now. I’m certainly a lot kinder to me that I used to be! But I personally loved the distinction between having high dreams and high standards and for that I thank you :)
P.S. You’ve made me smile on Twitter at least once btw but don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone ;)
Yes, yes, yes, and yes.
Okay, I generally agree with you, Tim, but today I extra-agree!
Like Eleanor, I’m working on beating that inner voice which judges me way more harshly than I’d judge anyone else. I still have times when I slip on up it, but I try not to be too critical about that either ;-)
Sometimes, I find it helps to take a mental step back and think about what encouragement or support I’d offer a friend … and why it is that I feel I should live by some other standard.
I’ve found that choosing “minimum standards” helps: I set a deliberately low target so that I usually end up going further, and if I don’t, at least I feel good about meeting up to that.
@ Debi – On the one hand thanks for commenting, on the other I’m not sure I can ever forgive you for putting ABC into my head ;-)
@ Karen – Sometimes even average can be good enough. I know it’s not a generally held view, but parts of everybody’s lives are average, otherwise there would be no such thing.
@ Eduard – Agreed on that, perfectionism is a real killer.
@ Thekla – Agreed and if I’m going to be chained up it’s not by expectation and attachment to results
@ Eleanor – Nope it’s definitely not only you, there is a pandemic of it out there. Yes please keep quiet about the whole Twitter thing, most of all to me as you may encourage me.
@ Ali – Yeh the friend thing definitely works, as does wondering what advice you’d offer a much younger you.
Poppycock and bull’s udders!
I feel you’re wandering into tree hugging territory here. Next you’ll be extolling the virtues of meditation or some such.
Lowering your standards is for ordinary people who are wiling to settle.
Keep standards high but don’t stress out if you don’t meet them. Or is that what you said?
Seriously though, I think what you say will work if it’s all about being happy, but what about people who want to be happy AND successful? In your experience do successful people lower their standards or do they refuse to compromise?
This helps clarify what I’ve been struggling with for many years. I’ve been working on a concept of “AND”. How do I reconcile not beating myself up when I fall short of where I want to be be AND still work toward amazing things? How do I have a disciplined schedule where I make time for the priorities in my life AND be considerate of the realities of my life which often interfere?
I can have (and do have) minimum standards AND have goals, anywhere from slightly more than minimum to world shattering. It’s not about having it all; it’s about merging it all :)
@ Dave – I’d expect more from you mate seriously I would. I would have expected a start of Bollocks Brownson at the very least. Poppycock and bull’s udders, sounds like you’re auditioning for a part of Are You Being Served.
Anyway go an read it again because goals can help you be uber successful without needing to set insane standards.
@ Tracey – You just made me think of a great old dance track that I used to jump around too when under the influence.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXw6YrL95pg
Sorry mate, I read this twice before I posted and once after you ordered me to do so, and I’m still not getting it.
I’m not sure how you can meet the standard of ‘doing your best’ because that standard is so mobile and easy to manipulate to suit your circumstances.
When my standard (not my goal) is to get up every morning 6am because I have big goals I want to achieve, but I decide to scratch my arse, roll over and go back to sleep, I’m not doing my best. I can kid myself that I’m doing my best to be well rested but deep down I know I’m just being an idle git.
I can probably let myself off, but if it keeps happening it’s probably time to reinstate the standard?
Have I completely missed the point?
BTW “I’m freeee!!”
@ Dave – Well doing your best is obviously not as easy to fool yourself with as you think, because you just said you know that rolling over is not doing your best.
I didn’t say don’t have standards, I said don’t make them so ridiculously high you miss them on a regular basis which is what many people do.
Getting your fat lazy arse out of bed isn’t a really high standard now is it?
Actually, thanks, I get it now. It’s a good question to ask and I can see how I could use it. I’ll give it a try.
“…your fat lazy arse…” LOL You have such a way with words. I feel positively motivated now. Unfortunately the next time I scratch that arse I’ll probably end up thinking of you. And that’s a bad thing.
I really wish I hadn’t visited today.
Dude, you tweeted the wrong Tracy that dance track. I think you should set the standard of always spelling my name right.
Of course, I think it’s perfectly reasonable that the mere thought of me would cause people to pump up the jams and dance, but credit where credit is due, my friend.
Not completely tongue in cheek, but I have a really hard time knowing when I’ve done my best because I’m still not quite over thinking I am the smartest, most bestest person out there. I do like to think it’s that crazy mix of ridiculously high and low self esteem that makes me the charming person I am but seriously, how do people know what they are capable of doing?
It always seems that I can just push just a bit harder and what I thought was my best is now the thing just before the new best.
I feel like sometimes having a standard of doing my best is a double edged sword, because there are lots of things where good enough or not at all is more than sufficient and I drive myself bonkers trying to do my best at everything.
Although I think you might say that I should just resolve to do my best at things where it matters to me and just good enough or not at all for things that don’t matter, which is good because that’s what I’ve been doing the last year anyway.
I love that you’ve made a distinction between high standards and high goals – I’ve only just learned the difference :) For a long time, I was petrified of setting lofty goals because I didn’t want to disappoint myself if I didn’t reach them. But you’re right – a goal doesn’t mean you have to “attach yourself to the result” and not getting there doesn’t define who you are :)
Great post – thanks!
That is a really interesting distinction – I have never considered defining and separating the two, but it now seems just like common sense!
I also like you thought about detaching from results, we have to do our best in the present moment because we want to and can, not because of the results it may (or may not) produce. This can lead to disappointment too.
BTW, I love the way you write, has put a smile on my face on a Friday morning!
Best wishes,
Kate
http://www.improvedconfidence.com
I’ve managed to live long enough to both live and witness the folly of having higher standards for ones self than the rest of the world. I’ve also witnessed the misery it creates.
This is one of the most important messages you’ve written here, Tim. I’m going to print it out and hang it on a board I reserve for the best of the best.
I’d like to see you distill this message down to business card size and then we could drop them off around the world for others to discover on their own. If it only allowed one person to “get” what you are saying it would be worth it.
@ Tracy – Mis-tweet eh? Oh well I hope the other less brilliant Tracy liked it.
For sure your best is not fixed at all and if you are happy with the definition you give it then screw everybody else, right?
@ Eran – You got it about 20 years before I did!
@ Bob – I agree Bob. If I spent the rest of my life delivering those cards and only 1 person ‘got it’ then I would die a happy man. Did this post come just at the right time for you? ;-)
I wonder if this could be applied to society as well Tim? Some would say standards have fallen in many areas so is life now a paradox in that we have a greater standard of living but lower living standards!
@ Kate – I’m intrigued by what you’re doing. You have a link to a squeeze page and on your Twitter profile you have no photo. How does that stack up with giving people the confidence that you know what you’re talking about in terms of confidence.
I’m not saying you don’t, just that it sends out mixed messages to me.
@ John – I do think that personal standards are separate from societal standards. In fact as I think of it now, that’s almost a post in it’s own right and you’re right, there is a paradox.
People set very high standards from themselves even though they often don’t meet them, but have lower standards and expectations of society. Weird huh?
Hello Tim,
Thank-you for your feedback. I have been helping people offline for a long time but am very new to the online world and trying to learn quickly!
The squeeze page is really just to let people sign up to my weekly newsletter (which I’m very proud of and has good feedback!) but admittedly the squeeze page doesn’t convey my intentions too well. I have been debating whether to change the newsletter to a blog and learning how to build and upload the webpages so they don’t yet have that ‘professional’ feel.
You are very right about twitter and I have already upoaded my photo. I will defintely have to make a lot more changes in the coming weeks/months and you have given me the kick up the bum I needed!
Kate.
Tim,
Like Dave I’ve had to read this twice before I got it…
Top stuff.
“Whatever your situation/circumstances, simply Do Your Best every day!” :)
That should fit on a card.
Unless I’ve missed your ‘message’, in which case, I’ll be taking myself off for another sound mental thrashing… oh, dear.
Cheers,
Gb
[...] at A Daring Adventure made me think when he questions whether we should Lower Your Standards. Having such high standards sets up for failure, in my opinion. We obviously have to have some [...]
@ Kate – Personally I hate squeeze pages, but they do work which is why so many people use them I guess.
@ Gb – Well at least you got it, Dave is still scratching his arse and thinking about me.
[...] differently. In my heart, I know that it’s not right to consider myself some special case held to higher standards than the rest of humanity … it’s arrogant and it’s [...]
It is good that we estimate our standard lower and not to see it high because if in future we will have to face some problems and because of that we have to miss that higher standard then at that time we can’t compromise with our standard but if from the beginning we estimate it as lower than what we have at that time then then we will have to miss our standard less than estimating higher.