Life Sucks
This has been the shittiest week I have had in a long time and I’m struggling to stay upbeat if I am being honest.
At the moment my wife is back in England supporting her mum, Kate, who has just been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.
I can’t help but think of the post I wrote at the beginning of the year when Kate had a nasty fall out walking.
She banged her head and she had to be airlifted to hospital as ambulances could not access where we were.
The Fragility of Life
I called the post The Fragility of Life.
How fucking ironic is that? Irony usually makes me smile, but this time it makes me grimace.
Helen (my wife) is an oncology nurse with 25 years experience and she is half way through her doctorate that she is absolutely nailing with every test resulting in an ‘A’.
I’m so proud of her, especially as she has to deal with constant headaches almost certainly caused by a combination of stress and a benign tumor on her pituitary gland.
Prior to going back and getting the full story Helen was deep in research on the condition and she was in control.
She was in her element as this is what she is trained to do and she could focus.
When she wasn’t talking to specialists in her hospital, reading research papers and trying to talk to people at the hospital in the UK where they totally and utterly fucked up by waiting 8 weeks to come to a diagnosis, she wasn’t in as much control.
Being 4,500 miles away from your mum in such circumstances is hard. I went through a similar thing with my mum 6 years ago and you feel so helpless and out of control.
Being out of control is the root cause of stress and unhappiness, even though in reality we are seldom in control of that much.
Life Sucks
The day she was due to fly out she was sent the results of two MRI’s she’d had a few days before.
The first result was her tumor had grown and may now need to be removed.
And the neck pain she had been experiencing was caused by 4 bulging discs in the cervical part of her spine.
I had two bulging discs in the same place 15 years ago and they hurt – a lot. I ended up needing surgery.
At this point I thought we must have seriously pissed off the Universe, but then I realized that’s nonsense. It was just a set of very unfortunate circumstances.
At the moment Helen is struggling and sent me a text telling me she can’t cope last night.
But she can. She has to.
I think because she is the medically trained one in the family (she also has a sister who is there also) that she has to stay in control and keep it together. But she doesn’t.
She’s not a nurse now, she’s a daughter to a great mum.
Prior to leaving for the UK part of the research she was doing was around the potential; for surgery.
The shitty UK NHS service had decided that wasn’t an option, but she discovered it was.
The pancreatic specialist in her hospital after looking at the reports said he’d almost definitely operate, although chemo and radiation may be needed beforehand.
Without that knowledge they would probably be looking at palliative care now.
There Is Always Hope
Except they’re not. They’re having a consult with one of the top pancreatic surgeons in the UK tomorrow (Friday).
I wanted to write this post before then, because if he says it’s inoperable, I don’t think I could have written it.
And I wanted to write it for several reasons.
I wanted to highlight the fact that doctors fuck up – a lot!
Half the time they are guessing and searching on Google.
Don’t accept a serious diagnosis without researching yourself, or at the very least, getting a second opinion.
History is littered with people who proved doctors wrong.
Secondly, I want to urge you (and obviously Helen and her family), to never ever give up.
The Power of Belief
Belief is so important. It’s not everything, but it’s crucial. The body knows when the mind has given up, so don’t give up.
Thirdly, I want to point out that we all cope with the vagaries of life, even if when we are in the midst of such circumstances we think we can’t.
I feel helpless, stressed and worried for my family at the moment, but I’ll cope.
Finally, life sucks.
But it’s also amazing and should be treasured.
That’s the deal I’m afraid.
There are no promises with life, other than it will contain joy and suffering and it won’t be fair.
We have to accept those undeniable truths, because there is literally no other option than denial.
I’m not a praying kind of guy, but if I was, I’d be on my knees asking for good news from tomorrows consult.
Hi Tim,
It’s a few days since you wrote, so things may be clearer. But sometimes all you get from waiting is more fog and uncertainty. Thank you for sharing your pain. Thinking of you.
Ant
The line about Helen not being a nurse now but a daughter was very powerful, but so true. It’s hard to separate that though when all you want to do is help, and you look to find the answers inside that will make any sort of difference. I suppose Helen is just trying to use everything she can to make a difference, as I am sure you are doing for her will all of your life coaching skills and posts like these.
Hang in there, mate. And if there is anything I can do at all to help just holler. Even if you only want to holler.
Thank you sir! Although to be honest all my ‘life coaching skills’ disappear out of the window when I’m not with a client ;)
Heartfelt best wishes to all of you. I feel empathy for what you’re experiencing; and also inspired, with your comfort in sharing, and with your determination. Hang in there
Thanks Sue.
Tim your encouragement and common sense has been a lifeline to me so thank you. Just to say that there are many many friends out here sending you love, hugs and prayers . This too will pass. No worries mate.
Thanks Sue, that’s very nice of you to say!
Take care, Tim.
I must agree with doctors f***ing up. I’ve didn’t hear anybody saying that in a looong time. (I thought we only had that opinion.)
I think I know exactly how you feel. My mother had a mild stroke some 5+ years ago. I didn’t know it wasn’t really serious. People explained stuff to me that I didn’t quite understand, i.e., medical terms and whatnot. Then I broke down … Without really understanding what was going on. Just my Mom in the hospital bed. Yeah–life sucks. But you get to learn one thing somehow. Mom’s currently kicking butt; she’s doing fine.
I sincerely hope everything turns out well for all of you, Tim. This is one post I badly needed to read. Thank you. Really, thank you. And hang in there!
Thanks Ethan, and I’ve been there too. I was with my dad when he had a stroke and he didn’t get to see a stroke team for 12 hours. The first 4 – 6 hours are crucial as they can actually reverse blood flow that will often mean a full recovery.
He never recovered. We thought about suing, but in an under-funded NHS all that does is take more money away. Although I guess there is the belief you may stop it happening to somebody else.
Oh Tim I’m so sorry the three of you are going through this! Life can indeed suck. Thinking of you and your family, and if you need any help holding logistics of any kind tocether pls let me know. I’d be happy to lend a hand.
Thanks a lot Kate. If you could just empty the dishwasher and do the ironing whilst I take the dogs out that would be awesome!
Oh, Tim :( I was actually going to email you this week asking if everything was OK in your world – I noticed there had been more guest posts than usual. I’m really sorry to hear what your family is going through. Life does suck. Sending love your way!
Actually running more guest posts is simply because I’m struggling with time doing CTLC too, so I had that planned anyway.
Nevertheless, thanks a lot for your concern.
Hope you and your wife and her mother are getting the support you need.
Thanks Evan.
My heart goes out to you.
I hope that you will feel the support of this community.
Thanks Nancy and yes I do!
My thoughts are with you, Helen and Kate. And I agree – doctors are not the gods many make them out to be. Most have the equivalent of an undergraduate degree plus they may do some postgraduate study in an area of specialisation (although that is changing in many countries with the the medical part of their training being a masters degree). Unlike scientists, their work is never peer-reviewed (unless they write medical papers for publication). Many do not keep up with literature and rarely go to conferences. Most do the best they can most of the time but not enough to warrant the attitude of “I know best” that is so prevalent among medical doctors. So yes, second, third opinions and questions, questions, questions are essential.
Yep agree with all that, thanks Karen.
Tim, I am the praying type and I’ve sent one up for all of you. Hoping for good news tomorrow. As it happens I’ve had just an incredibly rough two weeks with some devastating news of a completely different variety so here’s to us all getting much better news soon. xo
Thanks Julie and my best wishes to you too.
Rubbish, rubbish time for and your family Tim, sorry to hear life’s gone tits up at the moment. Love the inspiration you’ve still managed to pull together in this post. Sending shed loads of positive thoughts to Helen and Mum-in-Law from Blighty.
Tit’s up – I love that phrase, thanks.