My co-author of How To Be Rich and Happy, John Strelecky sent me this post yesterday to publish on the How To Be Rich and Happy blog. On reflection we both thought it better that it receive a wider audience.
It’s not an uplifting tale, but it is one worth telling as suicide amongst teens is the third leading cause of death in the US and quite frankly, that should be unacceptable.
I have really struggled with an image because I’m not sure a cartoon is appropriate. Then again, I’d rather this be a post that inspires you to act in any way you can, than one that makes you depressed.
My sincere condolences and best wishes go out to the boys family.
——————————-
I was supposed to have a meeting yesterday with a friend of mine. At 7:45 a.m. I received a call from his assistant that the meeting was canceled. My friend had to prepare funeral arrangements for his fifteen year old nephew. The young man committed suicide the previous night. I’d met him just a few days ago.
I find myself sad and angry at the same time. I know better, but it’s the emotions that still come up. I just don’t understand how we can keep creating a culture where people are put under the perpetual veil of delusion that they no longer have options, that they no longer have choices.
It’s bad enough when it’s adults, which is the situation I see routinely when I speak. That bothers me. It’s why I do what I do, why I write what I write. In the hope that I can help them realize that they are not trapped, that there are ways out of the madness.
For some reason, this situation seems exponentially worse. This kid was fifteen, fifteen, and he already had been convinced that there was no other way to change his current reality, than to end his life. He believed he had no choices.
So for your sake, for his memory, and for the sake of anyone that may be within earshot if you are reading this out loud, here it is.
YOU ALWAYS HAVE CHOICES!!!!!!!
I know it doesn’t always seem that way. I know it sometimes feels like there’s nowhere to turn. I get that. I’ve been there. I’ve lived in that space. But it’s a false truth.
It is a residual impact of a culture in which we are led to believe that happiness and satisfaction and fulfillment and worthiness comes from the latest gadget, or the latest model sports car, or some other THING, which in truth has nothing to do with being happy, fulfilled, satisfied, or worthy.
It comes from the perpetual array of fear thrown in your face each day. Will your family be OK if you don’t carry enough insurance…You could lose everything you’ve worked for…What if you don’t have enough retirement savings…If your clothes, or your watch, or your cologne don’t have the right person’s name on them, then you aren’t special or worthy…
We think those things are just harmless noise in the midst of the chaos of most people’s everyday lives.
But every once in a while, you get a phone call at 7:45 and you realize it’s not just harmless noise. If we aren’t careful it starts to become the basis for our belief system, and since our beliefs dictate our reality, that “harmless” noise starts to become a very real state of being.
We start living in a perpetual state of fear. Being me isn’t enough… What I have isn’t sufficient-no matter how much it is that I have… I better hang on tight to my possessions, because if I’m not constantly watching, someone will take all that I’ve worked for…
Better defer all my big dreams until I have saved such a massive pile of money that I’m guaranteed to be OK when I retire at 65. Except that the number is now being moved to 67, and then 71, and then 75. And the size of the pile keeps needing to be bigger, and bigger, and bigger…
And on most days I can remain in a state of calm as I explain that life doesn’t have to be that way. I can smile and give examples to reporters during an interview about taking baby steps, and easing into a new state of being. But today, I’m angry. Today, I’m pissed.
Because today it isn’t about someone staying another year at a job that makes them miserable. It isn’t about someone struggling to make ends meet because they were led to believe they could afford a lifestyle they never could. It isn’t even about helping a parent realize that it’s OK to not work sixty hours per week so they can instead spend some quality time with their children.
Today a young kid is gone. In just fifteen short years of life, he had become so convinced that life was not fun and exciting and full of love and adventure and purpose, that he took his own life. And that is just not right.
That screams out to me that we have a lot of work to do. And I put myself at the top of that “We” list.
Last night I was going through my first book, The Why Cafe. And as I was re-reading it, it brought back all the emotions I was experiencing when I wrote it.
I had just come back from backpacking around the world for a year on $40 per day. I had experience freedom, seen cultures, met amazing people. I had spent that year LIVING. Not preparing for living, dreaming about dreams, wishing for different realities… I had been LIVING.
Which was a big deal, because before I left, I felt like I was slowly dying. And almost everyone around me told me that was just life. But it wasn’t. It isn’t.
I implore you today, to remember you have choices. I implore you to live the life you want to live, not a shallow reflection of it. And I implore you to help someone else, especially a young person, to remember and do that as well.
Tim Brownson is a Certified Life Coach and has been unsticking people and helping them reach their true potential since 2005. If you would like to know how he can help you
So true. We all should know that we’ve choices. We can dip. We can trust upon experimenting other things. That’s how life should be. There are social, economic and other pressures of course, but you’ve to get through them honestly.
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Thing is Jaky, kids of that age often don’t know and that is where we should step in. I know that’s easier said than done sometimes, but so are a lot of things in life.
This plain sucks.
I was there myself when I was 15 or so, a few times contemplating the unspeakable. In retrospect I’d like to smack the hell out of myself for not seeing how many amazing things there are to experience on this planet, even down the street, when we choose to see them.
Such a rotten shame that this boy didn’t see them in time – and that no one was able to help him see.
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Or maybe you want to give yourself a big hug! You didn’t know then what you know now, that’s not a reason to beat the shit out of yourself mate ;-)
Oh, man. I’ve lost two close friends to suicide over the years, and it’s about the worst thing ever, because you always wonder if you could have done something to prevent it.
I cannot even imagine losing my son that way. If the family wants to do something to honor their son’s memory (create a scholarship, or donate to a particular charity), please pass the info along.
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Obviously I don’t know the family, but I feel sure John will be reading this in time and he does. Thanks so much.
Stories like this are all too common, but unfortunately it isn’t as simple as not seeing choices. It is seeing all of the choice but believing those wonderful things are for someone else, not you. It is a self-hatred that makes you feel that the world would be better off without you.
When someone moves toward suicide the pain has become so overwhelming that death looks like the best way out. They know, in their head, that there is counseling, family support and even medication to help, but the problems feel deeper.
I may be writing autobiographically, but I think it is important to understand how deep the problems can be. People who are ready to actually commit suicide are not seeing the real world, but a warped reflection. Before they can even see the choices clearly they have to correct the perceptions first.
My sincere condolences to your friend and his family. They are going through an awful experience that will weigh on them for a very long time.
I didn’t write this, but I’m 100% on board with John, it’s exactly about seeing choices.
If you see something and you believe it’s not for you, then by definition that is not a choice you can make.
Having said that, I fully understand and appreciate your point. Of course you’re right that these problems run very deep and often surface when it may be too late.
It’s a cliche I know, but in a lot of cases it’s a societal thing and the damage is done years before it becomes apparent.
Damn Tim, that’s really tough. There is a fantastic point though, you always have choices.
Whenever I hear or read a story like this, I definately feel negative emotions. I then have a choice, I can say, “Wow this makes me feel terrible.” Or I can say, “I don’t like how I feel about this, how can I use it?”
Always makes me take a better perspective.
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Great reframe mate, that’s a great example of opening up options and deciding what interpretation we want to put on a situation.
Very touching story and I’m sorry for your friend’s loss. Such sorrow to have his son die in such a manner.
All too often we think our problems and struggles are unsurmountable and that no one knows what we’re feeling and struggling with. It’s easy to fall into that trap when you’re 15 and young and don’t see the options. Or, as ‘Been There’ said, you don’t think that the choices apply to you. If you’ve never been exposed to other possibilities or you are not thinking clearly due to medical issues, then how can you ‘see’ that there are other ways to live. When I’m struggling, I take comfort in the “This too shall pass” phrase, but I’ve learned that with age and experience. Not easy to say the same thing when you’re young and you don’t have the life experience to deal with certain issues (esp. if they seem all encompassing).
Very sad.
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I agree 100% which is way it’s incumbent on adults to understand what kids are going through. It’s a massive time of change and some parents just think their kids are surly and lazy when the physical and emotional upheaval they are going through would knock the most stable of adults.
Sometimes your own plans are just not important. Sometimes it’s got to be different. So even though I had wished that John’s first guest-post on my blog would be a reason for celebration, I instantly sensed that I ought to put my own desires aside and abide by John’s wish to have the text posted on MyBigFive in German, so that it would be possible to reach as many people in as many languages as possible. And I am glad I did it as I know from my own personal experience what it means if someone you love is concinced there be no way out: My brother took his own life too. There was nothing I could do then, but there is now!
Same here Uwe, this is Johns first post on my blog, but sometimes there’s more important matters at hand. Thanks for publishing in German and very sorry to hear that you had to go through the same thing.
This is terrible. Unfortunately society has stigmatised the discussion of inner turmoil, and there has been a lot of unjustified hostility toward Medication-based support. In the same way that some people need insulin injections, others do not have the usual balance of neurotransmitters. Better a few measly side-effects that not being there at all.
I’m not sure I agree about the hostility toward medication. In the UK about 20% of my clients were on medication, in the US it’s closer to 80%. This is the most medicated country in the world and doctors give meds out at the drop of a hat because it’s the easy option.
I think there is some muted hostility to that and the billions of dollars spent each year and rightly so in my opinion because some people use them as the easy option when life style changes could do the same job.
However, I don’t agree with people that are all or nothing and don’t think meds should be prescribed in any circumstances. That’s ludicrous.
And yes, I think you’re right about the way Society has stigmatized the issue and that needs rectifying.
Hey John and Tim!
What an important post. Thank you for caring and setting aside your usual goals in order to call attention to such a sad but curable problem in our society, among our families and friends.
As someone who started attempting suicide as a teen, I agree that it’s all about helping the depressed, fearful and overwhelmed that there are always choices. The only way to help someone see their choices is to keep in contact.
Most people who are depressed (whether suicidal or not) end up isolating. It’s in that isolation, with no one else there to point out alternatives, that it’s easy to convince oneself that death is the only way to escape the struggles to be accepted by fitting in, and the fear it will never happen.
By reaching out and staying in touch, even if it’s just to leave a voicemail, you can help break that isolation. By actively listening, you can provide the outlet for the need to be heard. And by responding to the underlying frustration and fear, you can present ideas that offer some hope that life will not always be this way, and that you understand the pressures to fit in by succeeding, and break through the “terminal uniqueness” that makes them feel so alone.
I don’t know why it has become so difficult in our society to tell the people in our lives that we care and we love them. By reaching out and doing so, those people may be able to realize they have an outlet for their problems, one of the best options you can provide.
Love for everyone,
Annie
Agree totally Annie.
Posted on FB, Tweeted, Stumbled, Linked, and emailed.
Hope everyone does the same.
Annie
Thanks!
I am so sorry for your friend’s loss. Especially tragic is the teenage mind-set, and the hopelessness that compels someone to take their life.
Children don’t have the frame of reference, psychological insight,the gift of experience and all the coping skills adults possess. They do not see the options out there, and think rather concretely.
Maybe some of your creative and talented readers may consider volunteering some time at their local high school? Teens can be great fun, are so malleable, and hungry for others’ attention/POV/guidance.
Tim, I think you’re actually making Zeke’s point. The doctors don’t see a problem with medicating to relieve symptoms, but society as a whole assigns an enormous stigma to being medicated. You said it yourself:
“In the UK about 20% of my clients were on medication, in the US it’s closer to 80%. This is the most medicated country in the world and doctors give meds out at the drop of a hat because it’s the easy option.”
The implication: “If you’re medicated, you probably shouldn’t be.”
This causes tremendous problems to those of us (myself included) who legitimately do have chemical imbalances that pure counseling won’t fix, because when you say things like that, we feel like you think we’re just not trying hard enough, and like if we were only willing to put the effort in, we wouldn’t need the medication. (And many of us take external approval or disapproval very much to heart when evaluating our self-worth.)
Moreover, it does a disservice to everybody who has a mood disorder and is being medicated for it – whether or not pure counseling would be a more appropriate treatment – because you’re looking at a treatment that works and saying, “no, not good enough”.
I know that you have only the very best of intentions, but I think this is one of the “fish don’t see the water” moments – the stigma against mood disorders and medication to treat them is so ingrained that we don’t even notice it anymore.
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You’re reading something that isn’t there Chris, that wasn’t what I meant to imply at all.
If you read all the comments I did say that some people genuinely do need meds and I have stated here again and again I am not against meds unlike many coaches.
However, I see lots of people that the first point of call is medication and that is not an appropriate starting point in most cases.
People (or the ones I meet professionally speaking) have, on the whole, no issue with taking drugs. You simply don’t get so many people on drugs if they see it as a major issue. And I wouldn’t have so many people cheerfully telling me they’re on this med or that med if they felt stigmatized.
They are under no obligation to tell me anything if they don’t want to. I ask, but they can decline and nobody ever does.
I think there maybe something else going on here. Maybe people take the meds because they don’t want to appear depressed or in anyway unusual and that the stigma of mental illness actually is the thing that is driving the ridiculous increase in doctors prescribing drugs, rather than the condition itself.
In the UK, doctors do not get paid on prescriptions, therefore they will look for other methods first such as lifestyle changes. Here doctors make a shit load of money for prescribing drugs and there is little incentive for them to look elsewhere.
When we moved to the US and I had my first doctors appointment with my wife, the first thing he asked us what was drugs did we need? No exam, no background check, no nothing other than a blank slate to order what the hell we wanted.
That’s a great idea Linda, thanks.
Thanks for sharing this Tim and thanks to John for writing it to let us all know.
Working as I do in schools in the UK, I see so much pressure on young people. I’ve seen not only those who push back from the pressure and act aloof but also those who drown under the pressure with little or no support. We shouldn’t let our kids be a part of this.
At least you can and are doing something to help mate, so kudos to you!
Tim and John emotionally moving and downright upsetting at the same time that our youngsters can’t see a way of living as an adult with a future. The pressure we put on them, the spirit we drive out of them, the creativity and freedom we drain from them, and the landscape that we offer them is shameful.
In the Uk the No.1 cause of death in the under-28′s isn’t drugs, alcohol or car accidents….it’s suicide. Sod the recession, to hell with global warming, and forget silly wars in foreign lands with oil, the ONLY issue that matters RIGHT NOW is that our children feel so desolute and worthless because of the world we have created for them to live in. They are dying in our backyard and we are doing little about it. I wonder what aliens, if they exist and landed, would think about such a crazy place that allows this?
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Oh wow I Never knew it was the #1 cause of death in the UK, that really is heart-breaking.
The Aliens don’t stop here mate. When they leave their planets they are warned by their moms not to stop at earth, even if it’s just to get some snacks.
Top post fellas.
“Tears? Nah, I just got something in my eye… um, just going out to the shed to do some ‘bloke stuff.”
Gb
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Yeh that happens to me sometimes too. Weird huh?
As someone who has felt it and works with those who currently deal with it – it seems lack of communication = fear = medication in our modern society.
Some medication as you say is a great help, some serves only to numb the pain and the person. The same thing I see time and time again is that emotions are the last taboo in our modern world.
I really think it strange that the one thing we all share – our emotions – regardless of race, creed, colour, sex or status is the least acknowledged.
It is improving, thankfully at a quite a rapid rate in historical terms, but for some not quickly enough.
The real poignant line is this one:
“In just fifteen short years of life, he had become so convinced that life was not fun and exciting and full of love and adventure and purpose, that he took his own life.”
If a young mind can see a world we made as so unattractive that he wants no part of it – I think it’s about time we also make our choices to improve it so our children want to live in it. As you say, it’s all about choice, we can chose to make a different world for our kids and not leave the tough choices up to them.
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You’re right, not sure what else I can add to that.
What can be added after all those reactions? How different can be the experiences of young upgrowing people in this society? How do they perceive all things and people in their direct en remoted surroundings. Do they enjoy the flowers, the kind and helpfull friends, is their filter not fine enough to escape from images of mass disasters, wars,mass suppression and destruction of our planet? Do they stress their perception of adults who live mainly for own interest and wealth and where support of others and feelings of connectedness fail or are seen in the margin? Our best friends and neighbours had a lovely atmosphere; our son and daughter played with their kids as one family. Nevertheless one son stepped out of life. Nights of talks with my daughter, days of talks with friends, a lovely girlfriend did not offer enough support. Sometimes we rationally see thousands of choices and for this young person they can be seen. But the dominant feeling is different. The programmes in mind and soul do not match.
Still we can do the best we can. With love and careful applied medication.
Very well put Roel, thanks.
My dad committed suicide when I was 3 years old. It took 23 years for me to come to turns with it. Suicide in general is a very selfish act, but I have been in the depths of despair before and can see how that would seem like a viable choice.
Human are the only animal that I know that has the CHOICE to end their life. An interesting power for us to have
I think it varies Katie. Some people actually commit suicide because they feel they are a burden on others.
I understand what you mean, but I’m not sure I’d call it selfish, there is always a positive intent.
Hello Tim. I read your comment on HiLife2b and was impressed with what you said… so I came over here to read more.
Thank you for your heartfelt message here. I am profoundly sorry that you had cause to write it… and have shared the anguish of being unable to help someone in peril.
But in spite of it all… and despite what the rest of us can or can’t do to help… life keeps happening [and death too] sometimes all too soon and tragically.
My humble belief is that more people than we know suffer with the sadness gene. Some people are just sad and they don’t know why.
Melancholy is a difficult emotion to describe. [Sir Winston Churchill called it "The Black Dog" and Vincent Van Gogh cut off an ear in his quiet desperation]
Melancholy is unreasonable… illogical… and often has no basis in life circumstance. It also can’t be reasoned with at all. [That's why talking with someone so often doesn't help]
I believe that sadness and melancholy is merely an aberration of the human condition and not mental illness as such. Some people just live life more naturally on high volume… taking in and absorbing more negative aspects of the world in which they live…and perhaps this adds to their sense of hopelessness and despair.
Those who suffer are very often highly intelligent creative thinkers. People who tend to “think too much” and “feel too deep” which is problematic in light of the major insensitivities of the modern day world [and people now in general]. “No brain – no pain” springs to mind here… and I am in no way meaning to be cruel… just observing how shallow the world can seem to people who think more deeply.
Fortunately there are now solutions which go beyond those offered by the drug companies. Treatments such as Emotional Freedom Technique [EFT] which is fast replacing clinical hypnosis as the adjunct treatment of choice for psychologists worldwide in the treatment of the human condition.
And even better than that EFT delivers freedom [dignity and personal responsibility for oneself] back to the sufferer who can learn how to use it and utilise it for themselves without the help of a practitioner. It’s not the whole answer of course… but a good step in the right direction I think.
My hope for the future is that people can learn to help themselves… [not because they should but because they can] and find meaning and purpose in life despite the challenges handicaps and setbacks that all humans experience in some shape or form.
Just my opinion of course. And there are many others here that are more than worthy.
Thanks again Tim…
Jean I’m delighted you dropped by and took the time to write such a detailed comment, thanks!
I must say I’m intrigued by EFT. I actually booked to do some training 2 years ago but the organizers canceled at the last minute. I definitely would like to do it at some stage. Have you had EFT?
Hi Tim
EFT is a treatment [which once learned] you essentially give yourself. I first heard of it while attempting to help a family member overcome arachnophobia [fear of spiders] and since then have participated online in two world summits and continue to research and study it’s benefits. It works. It’s great. And I can send you some links if you like to who [in my humble opinion] are the best practitioners. Let me know.
As a mother it always hurts me to read these stories. Since my girls were young, I’ve taught them that life is about choices. If they aren’t getting a result they want in their lives, I often will challenge them to look for other options. And they frequently will come up with a few good options. It still may not get them the result they are looking for, but it shows them that there are other possibilities which helps them gain perspective on their situation.
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If we could treat kids to be master reframers the world would be a much different and better place.
Good for you for doing that.
Sorry Tim. On re-reading my post [which was unfortunately dashed off rather hurriedly before going out] I did sound rather bossy there. Oops. Please accept my apologies. Of course I am no expert. But EFT does interest me and it does work for me. Just to clarify. There are quite a few people doing this now… the industry seems to have broken off into factions… but I have my favourites [who just simply make more sense to me without all the hype]
Not at all it never crossed my mind and I love this kind of feedback, so thanks!
[...] of fear, Tim Brownson from A Daring Adventure wrote a very powerful article called It Should Never Come To This about the choices we have in life. It may seem like we don’t have choices and that our [...]
Sad post… sad story with a sad ending.
But the message about choices is the right one in this case. I agree with you.
Many said here that sometimes the place of making choices is already gone when a person comes to this type of decision and many said that it´s a place of despair…
I would just like to add that I don´t think this is a place of despair. Not just that. I think when someone commits suicide, despite the reason one have, the place is of agony, not despair. The feeling is of agony…
I tried do kill myself 2 times and I was happy enough to be saved both time. I had a boyfriend that wasn´t so lucky and a friend that wasn´t so lucky either.
I was on meds for 11 years, I was considered bipolar and many other labels and I was committed to a psychiatric facility for sometime. And this facilities here in Brazil aren´t very nice places (I think they´re bad almost everywhere).
Anyway, I though about the why you do it (suicide) for many, many years, trying to put a name on that feeling and just recently I realized that the name of that feeling is agony.
I also found out that if on that moment you can just take a good night sleep the feeling probably get´s a little bit better… And you can move on.
I discovered that from the many times after those 2 when I thought about it and didn´t act on it. These episodes where quiet frequent when I was tempering out of meds.
Yes, I finally decided that I wasn´t sick and that I needed no meds and I tempered of of those during a period of an year and I´m now of of them for an year or so…
I know that this isn´t for everybody and there are people who need meds… but I think that in most cases you can be responsible for your own cure if you can chose in time… if you have some help and if like me, in extreme cases, if you have some luck!
I honestly don’t know about that Gio as I have no personal experience so I’ll bow to your better knowledge.
Thanks so much for sharing your story though and I’m glad you got through everything.
I have a feeling that there’s a direct correlation between how ‘good’ a parent is and how likely the kid is to do stupid stuff.
It’s not the kids fault (well, technically, yes it is), it’s not society’s, it’s usually the parenting. Almost any problem anybody has can go back to parenting. Whether it’s bring overweight (eating habbits & partly hereditary), to having a temper, to being stupid… chances are it’s Mom & Dad’s fault. If a kid kills themselves, the parent did a bad job of teaching them the value of life.
Luke… are you a Dad? Sorry but this attitude just makes me plain angry. There has been much debate about nature or nurture and I think you have to be in those parental shoes before casting an ill informed judgment such as this. Even if you are a parent… not every parenting experience is the same. Each and every child comes with their own set of operational coordinates and no instruction manual. Even good parents can only hope to shape and guide what’s innately there.
[Apologies Tim for jumping in here - but felt the need to at least defend the good parents of the world]
No problem as I tend to agree with you. A lot of severe depression is hereditary and has zero to do with parenting skills.