About ten years ago I was in a sales meeting with my manager. I can’t remember what breathtakingly brilliant idea I uncovered, but I can clearly remember Nic’s response.
“Tim, that’s why I like working with you. 9 out of 10 ideas you have are complete bollocks, but that 10th one is genius and worth listening to all the crap for”
To this day I’m still not sure if I felt good that I occasionally came up with a great idea, or terrible that 90% of the ideas I had were ‘complete bollocks’.
One of the cool things about having a Life Coaching blog is that I get to throw my ideas at you, and if they’re bollocks, I know you’ll tell me.
In fact I look forward to you telling me because sometimes a bollocks idea just needs a slight re-tune to be a great idea.
I’ve been reading Jonathan Fields excellent new book ‘Uncertainty’ recently (al). If I can get my act together and get it finished I’m hoping to run a review for when it comes out on the 29th, but needless to say, it’s a great read up to now.
Fields talks about how we are hard-wired to avoid uncertainty and the difference between the super successful and those people that never quite get to their potential is the willingness of the former group to embrace uncertainty.
The problem with uncertainty is that it’s very similar, emotionally speaking, to fear, and your brain doesn’t like it at all.
As such it will do everything in its power to avoid it unless you step in and take control at a conscious level.
There’s a reason why most TV dramas end by offering you a teaser of next weeks episode, and that’s to create uncertainty so that you’ll tune in.
Uncertainty is why some people will insist on finishing a book they aren’t enjoying, just so they know what happens at the end.
It’s also why we watch even the most predictable movies to the bitter end. Even though we can say with complete confidence afterward that we knew how it would turn out. The reality is we didn’t know, we just thought we knew.
And it’s why we like puzzles, because the brain gets a great kick out of solving them and banishing the uncertain state it was previously in.
If you have a phobia of snakes, leaving aside NLP and hypnosis, there are a couple of traditional methods psychotherapists will employ to help you remove or lessen your fear.
The first is flooding, in which you throw yourself into a pit of snakes and hope that you get used to them prior to having a heart attack or being bitten to death.
The second method is desensitization which would involve gradually increasing your exposure to snakes bit by bit.
Maybe to begin with you could buy a plastic snake and carry it around with you. Then when you get comfortable with that, you can start to look at pictures of snakes.
Then you could take you plastic snake to the zoo with you and go and check out the snake enclosure. To begin with your heart rate may shoot up, but if you stay in there and make friends with the slippy suckers it will eventually normalize.
What if we adopted the latter approach to uncertainty and doubt?
What is instead of avoiding it we went looking for it? Could we actually reduce or even remove our own need for certainty even though it’s hard-wired?
Ways of achieving this could be:
- Deliberately not finishing a thriller you’re enjoying reading
- Applying for a job that you know nothing about
- Refusing to watch the last episode of a TV series you like
- Signing a house rental agreement that is only month-to-month
- Refusing to make plans for a Saturday night until 7.00pm
- Saying “Surprise me’ to the waiter who asks you want you want to order for dinner
- Setting off to the airport on vacation with no idea where you are going to fly to
- Publishing a blog post that may be complete bollocks
I know some of those sound slightly nuts because on the surface you are merely depriving yourself of enjoyment or adding uncertainty into an already uncertain life.
But maybe the short-term pain would be balanced out by the ability to be relaxed in the face of change and uncertainty in the future?
What do you think? Do you reckon this belongs in the 9 out of 10 pile, or could it actually work?
It starts with dinner.
Making choices that is. Decisions.
I used to be wishy wash when it came to making decisions. Mainly because, I didn’t want the responsibility that comes with the decision. Even the simple stuff like where should we go out to dinner?
But it started with dinner. I started saying OK, we are going here tonight. My friends loved it when someone a decision. And often I found, when someone makes a decision, others finally speak up about what they want.
Then it started with going to the gym a few times a week. Then it started with business related stuff. And so on and so forth.
It does start with the smaller item.
It is the same when I eat raw for 30 days, not because of health related reasons, but rather pure discipline. Same with why I didn’t buy a new pair of clothing for over a year. Why I first gave up soda as a “discipline test” but it ended up being permanent.
It is why I don’t watch certain shows until after the season is over at the risk someone may “ruin it for me”.
So yes, I say it is a great idea. I say it will help us grow. I call it disciplining. Oh boy will it be hard. A show that so want to see. A book you so want to finish. It is brutally hard.
But it can be done. It starts somewhere.
I can remember flying back to the UK just after my mom had died knowing I was going to miss the Superbowl between the Pats and the Giants.
I Tivoed it knowing it wouldn’t be difficult to avoid the score in the UK. And it wasn’t, and I was looking forward to watching the game a few days after the event as though it were live.
Then as I was stood outside the airport waiting for Helen to pick me up the guy next to me turned and said “What about those Giants, who’d have thought they had a prayer of beating the Pats eh?”
Fuck it!
I never did watch that game, I simply had no interest after that.
Ha.
I remember when book 6 of Harry Potter came out. The excitement. The waiting period over. Ya, call me a geek (HEY, I don’t get it when people record sport games to watch later).
And then it took just one person to ruin it for 100s of people. He turned to the last chapter. Saw that Dumbledore died. And announced it to everyone waiting on line that Dumbledore died.
Boy were people pissed. But you know what, people still wanted to read it.
There’s something about the journey more than the destination. When asked what they miss the most about the marathon, runners often answered the training period.
There’s something in the journey even when the outcome is not definite.
(BTW, I was not on the line when that idiot ruined it for many. If I was….).
I’m surprised they didn’t lynch the guy!
Oh, I think these are great ideas! Definitely brilliant. And often fun too. I love going on holiday and staying at a different B&B each night. I’ve had some great adventures and experiences that way.
Increasing our ability to resist the pull of safety is a great way to build confidence. You do, though, eventually have to do the thing that you fear. Like fall out of a plane rather than just go for a ride in it…;-)
Yeh thanks for mentioning that. I was only thinking this morning that I should start researching because I’m guessing that the best times of year to do it are November through March when there is little rain and humidity.
My hands are sweating again!
You know what Tim? I don’t want to get into my private life on your blog (although if you want to invite me for a regular column, that would be peachy) but after all that huge, unbelievable drama I went through a couple of years back, I’m a lot more okay with uncertainty. I prefer to have a better idea of what’s going to happen, but I know I’ll be okay if I don’t.
So I think your idea has merit, but I think the key is also that you have to give up control, too. I think the control and uncertainty are very similar and very closely linked and having a lack of control and no idea what will happen is understandably stressful to people.
So, I’m not sure how useful it is to just decide “Oh, I will be uncertain about this!” and have it be an exercise in willpower. I think there are so many real opportunities for embracing the uncertainty in our lives that there is no need to find it for the hell of it.
We just do a very good job of talking ourselves into thinking that we have the control over the situation to ensure an outcome. Which, you know, is great, because otherwise we’d never do anything because we’d be moping about all the conceivable ways that things could go wrong.
In that sense, I think most of us are excellent at dealing with uncertainty, we just don’t realize it because we’ve done a very good job of not focusing on how many zillions of ways things could go wrong and just getting on with it.
So maybe instead of looking for uncertainty, the trick would be to let ourselves see how good we are with dealing with it most of the time.
I agree about control and I think it’s all interwoven. Certainty almost is control and vice versa.
And I like this:
“So maybe instead of looking for uncertainty, the trick would be to let ourselves see how good we are with dealing with it most of the time.”
I’m always open to a guest post from you!
Oh, yes but it comes with conditions like “being relevant to your audience” and “not a video of you miming”.
I don’t live by your rules, man!
I would also like to add “change” to the c-words that people have problems with.
You’re so rock and roll!
I shall only take a video of you miming if you’re pretending to be locked in a glass booth.
Really good points Tracy, thanks. My wife tends to get very upset when life doesn’t go according to her plans. Whenever she says, “This is terrible, what are we going to do about X?”, I usually reply with some variant of, “We’ll deal with it”.
It doesn’t often help my wife to feel immediately better, but I’m trying to train her to be a bit more chilled out and less of a control freak. Her email address contains the name Monica after the OCD character in Friends :)
I like about half of the ideas listed. For example, having the waiter to surprise me might be a pretty neat adventure in cuisine, so why not? Refusing to make plans until a certain time also adds a bit of spontaniety in life. However, the idea of applying for a job you don’t know anything about doesn’t gel with me. Maybe I’ve been biased since I was a former hiring manager in the pharma industry. If somebody applied for a pharma sales job and clearly didn’t know what the job was about, I wouldn’t waste too much time interviewing him or her.
Also thinking of let’s say World Cup skiers. They often want to go over every bit of a race course in advance so no sudden surprises or uncertainties pop up. So I think the overall principle might have some warrant but it may depend on the specific circumstance.
To be honest Clint, I think the job idea what ridiculous.
See I told you I’d get told if I got it wrong ;-)
While I wouldn’t want to go for a job I had no idea about (how would I know I’d enjoy it?), I DO think that we could take the risk of going for a job above where we’re at right now.. I think too many people when job hunting go for the job that they know.. the one where their comfort zone lies because they’ve done it for years. What if those receptionists went for the design jobs or, like me, PA’s started writing for magazines and then went into coaching :)
Ok, ok, so the job idea was nuts, but gimme a break here I’m not perfect ;-)
Let’s not forget the slalom skier, who doesn’t get to run the course beforehand!
I think that there is definitely merit in stepping outside your comfort zone… it helps you grow as a person.
And as Roy mentions above… being decisive, even in the face of looking stupid, is very empowering, and earns you more respect from people.
Agree 100%, being decisive nearly always trumps fannying around ;-)
It’s almost freaky, Tim, that the topic of my Monday Muse (The little quip I send out each Monday AM to my email list) was about “uncertainty” this week, and the inevitability of life being uncertain, since we can’t really ever know the future until we get there and it becomes the present (for a brief moment before becoming the past)
I realize you are a little psycho, but are you psychic as well?
Char
Psycho/psychic I’m pretty sure it’s all the same.
I remember reading somewhere that the most successful business leaders have a “bias for action”. In other words, they’re happy to act based on partial information and they adjust their course as they go. Apparently this approach makes you a lot more productive and you learn lessons more quickly. I think the book was “How To Lead” by Jo Owen, it’s a great book.
So, no, I don’t think your idea is bollocks (for once). It sounds like solid gold to me.
Now, when will I get round to starting my own business?! Sometimes I’m astounded at all the self-help information I’ve absorbed but not yet put into practice :)
Phew! For once I may have got it right ;-)
BTW, wanting to have a definite end to a story is not a universal phenomenon. I believe that lots of traditional Japanese stories/movies are left deliberately open-ended. You or I would probably find this pretty infuriating!
I can’t remember the reason that they do this, but it’s interesting to note that it’s a cultural difference. In other words, it’s not all down to biology/evolutionary pressures as you suggest.
In fact, I think that Japanese people in general are a lot more comfortable with ambiguity and uncertainty. It’s one of the reasons that Westerners find many aspects of Japanese culture so overwhelmingly alien.
Have you got any links to that Rob, cuz that does kind of contradict some of the David Rock stuff I’ve read and I’d be interested in delving a little deeper.
No links I’m afraid, though a quick Google shows that the Japanese as a nation are actually one of the least tolerant of uncertainty. Hmm! Maybe I was wrong! The Japanese language is certainly more frequently ambiguous than English, and the exact meaning of statements is often open to some interpretation. A bit like poetry. How curious that we (humans) can be so tolerant of ambiguity in some contexts and so intolerant of it in others! I’ll admit defeat here, the subject seems more complex than I’d realised.
That’s what I thought. I had a client that worked in Japan for 2 years and he said they just didn’t get sarcasm EVER.
Here’s a recent study on cultural differences with regard to risk tolerance:
The Cultures of Risk Tolerance
Brilliant, thanks so much Ola for taking the time to post the link, I just downloaded and will have a look tomorrow.
I just heard a report a week or so ago that said that if people know the end to a book or movie, they enjoy reading the book, or watching the movie, more.
Evidently we have gotten so use to comfort, that we don’t even like to feel a smidgeon uncomfortable.
THAT is bollocks!
Char
Reeeeeeally? Now that is really surprising. OTOH, I sometimes start watching movies I have already seen thinking I’ll get bored and I don’t.
Sad though it may seem I must have watched Jaws 20 times and I still love it!
I, of course, meant “we” in the royal sense…you know, everyone else, but certainly not any of us enlightened types!
Char
I think any time we surprise our brain we have an opportunity to grow. Reading your post reminded me of a book I’ve heard about called “Love Not Smoking: Do Something Different.” The idea is that by changing other, unrelated habits and doing seemingly random new little things, you can “stretch” your brain and grow new neural pathways which then make it easier to change bigger habits. I have no idea if it works, but just from the little tiny bit of brain science I know, it seems like the idea makes sense. I think the stuff you mention would work in the same way. I know any time I can get out of a thinking rut and experiment with a new way of doing anything, the possibilities in life open up a little bit!
And the airport thing sounds FUN! I would love to try that someday!
That sounds a lot like the Norman Doidge book The Brain That Changes Itself.
Neuroplasticity is amazing and liberating when you realize we can rewire our own brain.
Certainty is such an illusion that anything we can do to shift our relationship to uncertainty is a good thing.
September 10, 2001 a lot of people were certain that the next day would look pretty much like every other day. After the attacks, people said “oh, everything used to be so predictable, and now it isn’t!”
Well, if it had been predictable, we wouldn’t have all been so surprised. (Boy, I just realized this could get political–I’m not going there at all, it’s just such a good example!)
When there’s a mismatch between what we thought was certain, and what really happens, our brains can go all wacky.
I love the game of asking servers to bring what they had for lunch and not tell me what it is.
I remember hiking with friends to a great waterfall, but I stopped short, just before the last bend. I discovered that there’s so much to do, to see, to experience that the waterfall wasn’t as important to me as the journey.
This one gets my thumb’s up for brilliant!
Thanks Barak and you make some great points!
Definitely a keeper, Tim! Interesting, too, to go looking for the ways that we set ourselves up for uncertainty and are excited about it – like not finding out the sex of one’s baby – or the ways that we already welcome uncertainty, i.e. most people say that even if they could find out for sure what is in store for them in the future, they wouldn’t want to.
On the other hand, too much certainty, and I start to take things for granted, and taking things for granted… now that’s something I’m afraid of. :-)
I’d never thought of the occasions we crave uncertainty, like with our own death. Very interesting!
Jaws? Really? Now I am worried about you…and the fact that you have enjoyed it so many times only confounds my concern!
I wonder if part of the enjoyment of repeating stuff is the positive emotional associations to it…?
Which makes me wonder…if we could just assume that the future will be a positive experience, would we be able to be more comfortable with the uncertainty of it all…?
There’s a wonderful book called, Comfortable with Uncertainty, by Pema Chodron (orig. written in 1993) that I keep in my briefcase for quick little reminders of how to approach my day.
One of the ways of the parameters of depression is the belief that the future won’t get any better. So I think most people are optimistic about the future, but they want to be certain about their optimism ;-)
All Pema Chodrin books are special.
Hi Tim,
Your blog is always worth reading for both the certainty and uncertainty of what you will dish up. I will be tuned into your program again next time.
be good to yourself
David
Thanks mate, as usual!
Nothing in life is certain, life after divorce or death of a partner is very uncertain….the journey building a new life out of uncertainity is exciting.
Mary, good for you for taking such an empowering approach!
Brilliant! :-) Love the whole bullock post…but certainly not bullock. I believe the uncertainty you speak about is a risk. And how many times do people achieve success without taking risks? Thanks for the good read…adding your post to my reader.
I would say almost never Marcelina, yet it’s something so many people are averse to.
Tim, I’d say you got this one right.
I for one, would raise both my hands that I am afraid of uncertainties.
Since starting my business, this fear crawls up to me even more every single day. The thing I learn to say to myself now is: I got only this one life, I will never know what is coming, so I am going to try it anyway.
I never thought I’d do this, but I just emailed someone this morning and ask if I could form a partnership to bring her training program into Singapore.
In the past I’d not have acted when I see pure uncertainties. Now I realized I lose nothing asking that question. And it could just surprise me.
It takes breaking our patterns to learn about ourselves. It can show us where our true potentials are, and where are our blind spots.
It makes life more interesting doing things differently every now and then.
It’s a natural fear JC, but if we can push through, it reduces if not ever going away completely.
Let me know when you want to fly me over to Singapore ;-)
Dear Tim, I think this is a good one! I actually like a bit of uncertainty and very often loose interest in people who are desperate to figure everything out or have to have the perfect plan for everything. That’s boring and cowardice. “Grey zones” can be so much fun. :-) Michaela
I’m not sure about cowardice because it’s hardwired, but I agree with your general drift.
Thanks for the comment.
Bollocks to that, this is most definitely a BRILLIANT post! Top job Tim