I have been thinking for a while about writing this post on values that contradicts some of what I’ve said in the past. So if you’re in the mood to titter at the backsliding, hypocritical Life Coach, today is your lucky day!
I have always believed that values are sacrosanct and different for each individual. What will be right for one person, will not sit well with another. That is what makes life so fascinating and us all so different.
I have done a great many value elicitations with clients over the last few years and no client has ever had the same top 3 as myself. On the surface that may seem surprising, but when you realize there are probably an infinite number of different permutations it becomes less so.
My main beef with Steve Pavlina’s book was his statement that there were three core values and these were the same for everybody. At the time I strongly disagreed with that belief and still do. However, I’m starting to lean towards thinking there maybe, just maybe, a Meta value that we can achieve when we live in alignment with all our other values.
This isn’t the complete volte face it may appear because I’m still prepared to accept for some people what I’m about to say may make little if any sense. If that’s you, let me know what you think. I really want to understand whether I’m judging stuff based on my own values and what’s important to me. In other words, is this just my map of the world, rather than the world itself?
When I explain my new theory to clients (after I have conducted the exercise of finding their values first so as not to put ideas in their head), somewhere in the region of 4 in 5 tend to agree with me. Although whether they’re just trying to shut me up is another matter altogether.
I was reading a post at Attraction Mind Map written by Evelyn Lim on How To Get To Enlightenment recently. It was this that got me thinking even more deeply about values and how we achieve our own personal state of enlightenment.
Before I go any further let me say I’m not trying to open up a discussion on the meaning of enlightenment. After the whole God debate recently I’m not sure I want to go down that road again so soon. Let’s presume for the sake of argument it means to you what you think it means to you. This is only my interpretation from a laypersons perspective and nothing more.
When I think about enlightenment it always brings to mind one word, and that word is ‘Peace’. It seems to me no matter what interpretation I put on it; I cannot see how enlightenment can be achieved without total peace of mind.
If I gave you peace of mind from my special box of values you’d be able to deal with anything that happens to you in your stride.
If you became ill but you were at peace, you’d be ok. If you lost your job, but retained peace of mind, you’d be ok. If your puppy bit your bum, but you retained total equanimity, you’d be fine. Let me know if you do pull the last one off because I failed miserably and you’d earn my utmost respect and admiration.
I must stress that being peaceful doesn’t mean you’ll always be happy. Happiness comes and goes and sometimes it’s right and proper to be unhappy. That’s part of life. You have to experience the lows to appreciate the highs.
In any case, it’s not unhappiness that cripples people, it’s the internal conflict that rages. The guilt, the comparison, the jealousy, the anxiety, the regret and so forth that so often precipitate or at least accompany unhappiness. That is the real problem.
If we can face adversity with an acceptance and a belief that “this too shall pass” (I know that’s a bit cheesy, but I can’t think of any other way to describe it) then we can remain peaceful and accepting of whatever is happening to us. Even if it were not something we would have chosen for ourselves like the bum biting.
I have lots of goals I want to achieve, but I’m tempted to think I’d trade them all in for guaranteed peace of mind. Reaching that state would be difficult, if not impossible, to surpass in my humble opinion.
That doesn’t mean I don’t value goal setting all of a sudden and won’t strive to achieve my own goals and help my clients reach theirs too. In fact if I’m being honest, I’m not sure what it does mean. Work in progress, maybe?
Tim Brownson is a Certified Life Coach and has been unsticking people and helping them reach their true potential since 2005. If you would like to know how he can help you
Ahhh thank you for the link love!
I think the best way I’ve come to understand enlightenment is being totally happy to feel however you’re feeling, no matter how bad that is.
Although I doubt this makes sense in any way.
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I agree that peace of mind or wholeness can be seen as universally valued. Now people may have very different words for this state, including things that seem opposed like “aliveness” or love, but if we include the variants, there is some ultimate thing we all want.
I have found that we can find this experience far easier than we tend to think. Just continue to ask what you want that’s even deeper until you get to the Core.
In fact, this is the reason I facilitate the Core Transformation process now with clients instead of how I used to coach, which was more cognitive (that stuff is still quite valuable mind you–clear thinking is very important!).
Keep on bloggin’,
~Duff
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I have read the first part of Pavlina’s book and disagree with his universal truth way of describing values. Steve sums his values up in intelligence but I think wholeness would fit much better.
Wholeness as the “ultimate value” is pretty similar to your peace of mind.
I do not understand, I thought what Steve said was fact? That was the impression I got from the 30 pages I read of that book.
Peace of mind is one thing that has been on my mind latley since well you brought it up a couple weeks ago. Is peace of mind true enlightenment? Is the goal of life to reach this peace? Can anyone do it?
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does it really matter what the ‘universal’ values are or how that works.. ?
isn’t the purpose of life to simply ‘be in the flow’?
who knows.. but i think sticking to one’s own personal truth is key..
the ‘golden rule’ makes sense to me: ‘be the change’ and “put out there what you wish to recieve” , etc..
Peace of mind would indeed be fabulous.
And I’ll strive for it. But if someone told me that all I had to do was spend 30 years in some monastery high up in the Himalayas, and it would be guaranteed that I would attain complete inner peace for the remainder of my life once those 30 years were completed…
I’d say No. I want to live in this world while I’m in this world.
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“If I gave you peace of mind from my special box of values you’d be able to deal with anything that happens to you in your stride.”
I think that as I’ve grown older and matured this has been the one lesson that I need to fully learn, that you aren’t at the mercy of external circumstances to have peace of mind.
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Believe it or not Tim, I agree with you. Having peace of mind can get me through any situation. Linking back to the past post on God, I think that is what faith does for so many no matter the type of religious beliefs they have. Knowing we don’t travel alone and there is a higher power gives us peace.
My old high school friend is going through a great deal right now. She lost her son last summer to suicide and yesterday lost her hub to Lou Garrik’s disease. I know it would be very difficult to have peace of mind there but maybe she can in the future. I know for myself, being patient and persevering during the tough times is what got me through. I’m not sure how much peace I felt at the time but I knew I would make it through somehow and I guess knowing that gave me some sort of peace.
It’s all a journey isn’t it? Thanks for sharing yours Tim.
@ Joely – If it makes sense to you, then it makes sense.
@ Duff – I’m going to check out the DVD of CA doing Core Transformation work again. I’ve had it a couple of years but not watched it in most of that time. You have prompted me to take another look at the book too. Prometheus Rising is great btw, thanks for that!
@ Bengt – I agree, wholeness may be another way to describe it.
@ Jay – I don’t know the answer in a global sense, I only know what I ‘think’ Shoot an e-mail to Steve and ask him ;-)
@ Emily – Does it matter? I honestly don’t know if it does. Again I suspect it matters if it matters to the individual. You also have to understand I’m an old fart so I think about stuff like this more often than you because it’s more pressing of an issue ;-)
@ BF – A-ha! BUT and yes it was a big but, if you had total peace of mind you wouldn’t mind being there. Do you think Zen Masters waste their life or don’t get as much out of it as most other people?
@ Tracy – True, but it’s one thing knowing it and another implementing it. That is the real skill imho.
@ Laurie – That’s horrible for your friend. Maybe not just yet, but I’d recommend she checks out ‘Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart’ by Gordon Livingston.
I think Steve’s principles are different from values. Like the principle of love, as he defines it, is about connecting with what you want and disconnecting from what you don’t want, whatever that may be. You might act in accordance with that principle by quitting a job that’s not in alignment with your values of charity, adventure, and justice. It can be different for each person.
I came up with a draft list of my top seven values when I read Jonathan Mead’s ebook, and now I remember that I bought your ebook about values so long ago and keep meaning to read it. Is procrastination a value?
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Hey, you have the same blog virus as Cath Lawson – commenter’s names aren’t clickable. Is that a British thing?
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Thanks for the link love. I am honored that my article has inspired you to think deeply and write your own thoughts in a post.
I agree that enlightenment is about having and making peace with the world. For a peaceful state of mind, it means that we drop all forms of struggle, resistance, anger and worry. I see this state as some kind of “Middle Way”, what Buddhists practice as well. It is a state that is neither happy nor sad. It is really about being contented, wherever we are in our journey.
Peace to you always,
Evelyn
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I thought about it, and my core values are honesty, self-lessness, and integrity. And yes, I do positive things because I want to feel peace/serenity. It’s not always a conscious decision, but it is the underlying reason nevertheless. Is this just our view of the world or is this some objective truth? I think it difficult to say that any view on human motives is an objective truth. It’s kinda like trying to define God (cough cough), and we all know from previous posts how that turns out. I just stopped getting reply notifications yesterday. ;-)
Thanks for the insightful post.
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Peace which comes from sacrificing goals will not remain for long. For once peace is attained, we will remember those goals and remember the price we paid to get peace.
For those goals which were set for wrong reasons, it makes sense to drop them – so that we can can create space for things which we truly want – peace or no peace.
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Hey Tim,
I don’t know if I think enlightenment is peace… and in fact I really couldn’t say what I thought enlightenment was…. but I think that it’s really cool that you are exploring all these spiritual questions in your blog.
Keep it up!
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……And…. maybe…. enlightenment is Eckhart Tolle breastfeeding…(-:
Sorry. I couldn’t resist that. Or maybe I could but I just didn’t want to!
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Thought provoking post Tim (I knew there must be a good reason for me to be up at 5 this morning when other half’s alarm clock and banging around woke me … leading to a somewhat less than peaceful state of mind …!?) I have only read reviews of Steve Pavlina’s book (so could be jumping the gun …) but commented at the time that I don’t hold with his idea of three core values, precisely because we all have different ‘maps of the world’ and no one person’s map – and thus values – will be exactly the same as another’s.
So, for me, the same would apply to people having a ‘meta value that we can achieve when we live in alignment with all our other values’ as surely this would also be individual to us, depending on the other values we were wishing to align with? I can see how the belief that ‘this too will pass’ could be my meta value since things do inevitably pass (in my map of the world) as opposed to a ‘guaranteed peace of mind’, which I think is only achievable in moments. That said, if I believed for a moment that is was feasible, I agree, it would be a nice universal meta value to achieve! So, I think I’m saying, I like the concept of a ‘meta value’, I’m just not sure what that would be.
Definitely something to ponder more, and thanks for getting the brain cells going for me this morning … I’ll stop there before I confuse myself further and, if I’m not making sense, blame the early start!?
All the best
Tamsin/nudgeme
@ Hunter – Actually ‘Procrastination’ definitely is a value, an away from value! My books can have that effect on people. I must admit I didn’t see any separation from Steve’s principles and values, but maybe I have that wrong.
There’s abug in the new WordPress software that conflicts with Google analytics. I’m kinda on the case but at least commentluv is working again!
@ Evelyn – I agree about contentedness, but I don’t think that rules out happiness or sadness. Thich Nhat Hanh talks a lot about the sadness he felt when his mother died.
@ Derek – LOL, yeh it did kind of take on a life of its own! You’re right of course, all this is subjective, but it’s fun too.
@ Avani – I have to disagree (which is way cool because it opens things up). You cannot remain peaceful and worry about the goals you gave up. Ask yourself what your goals will give you. Then ask yourself what that will give you and then that. Keep doing this until you can go no further. Then and only then are you at the real core value. Se if it’s peace? If not it will probably be something similar. As Duffy said maybe ‘Wholeness’ or maybe even ‘Love’ Try it out.
@ Chris – Thanks and then no thanks for putting that image in my head. Don’t make me say anything about the Queen sat reading the paper on the toilet.
@ Tasmin – I agree. I don’t think I can achieve permanent peace of mind, but IF I could, it would be the ultimate meta value, to me at least.
Tim,
The day we evaluated my values was a big turning point in my quest for personal enlightenment. I had never really taken the time to balance what would bring me peace, vs. what I spent my time doing, or planning to do.
It makes the decision making paradigm much easier when you have a value matrix to compare your options. It changed the way I am doing business. Good stuff.
Get back to the God topic. I havent been able to get to the Coliseum for any good carnage lately. Easier to get that here!!
Hi Tim – I was kind of surprised that you wrote this post, after the God one. I read Evelyn’s one too & I have to admit – I don’t have a bloody clue what enlightenment is.
I’ve been reading about it and it seems like it’s all different things to different people.
Since your God post, I’ve read half the new testament and to be honest – my brain is more frazzled than it was before. There’s the God stuff, then all this 2012 business, some people are saying we can live forever and others say there’s nothing but darkness after our physical death.
And it would be nice if someone could just video the truth and bang it on YouTube then we wouldn’t have to wonder anymore.
I like your idea of permanent peace but I’m betting it’s not that easy to achieve.
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A state of peace is easy, we can all have it right now: make like flywire and let stuff flow through – anything you react to, anything you try to resist. Or, as I like to say: don’t clench. And a state of peace is not something I would consider it necessary to strive for. You can achieve it in any given moment, you just might not have it as your default setting at the moment. And I like Joely Black’s point about being okay with however you feel because we are inclined to think if we are at peace we should feel good.
Tim, I think I agree with you about peace being a fundamental, possibly universal, value, but it answers the how and perhaps tells us nothing about the what and the why. You’ve got me thinking, but I’m inclined to think there probably is a level at which there are universal answers to the other two as well.
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@ Mike – It certainly has been boisterous, but in a really good way. Some blogs descend into abuse and I’m proud to say that has never happened here and I have never deleted a post because of a personal attack.
@ Cath – LMAO – There’s an idea, banging the truth up on YouTube. Of course Buddhists believe the truth cannot be seen or described so that makes it a tad tricky if you believe that theory ;-)
@ Hilary – Wow, I’m not sure it’s really that easy. It’s the thing that I find is absent with most people I know, maybe all the people I know. It’s also something that people strive all their life to achieve. (insert Zen Master story of your choice here).
BTW, I really like this on your site:
“The only thing I know is real is that I Am. I Know I Am. I think You probably Are too, but that may be a moot point.”
Great post. We do need to know ourselves to be at peace.
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I guess acceptance of what is is enlightenment (though somehow this is an acceptance that embraces compassion rather than indifference – the enlightened are not psychopaths).
For my base value I nominate life/creativity/joy. In some ways this is not rationally defensibe (we reason on the basis of our values in some ways). Put another way: Why do I think life is (usually) preferable to death? Because I’m not an idiot. Seeing what is is quite different to arguing about it or on this basis (though logic and argument are very important I think – part of our social nature as human beings).
Acceptance of myself (even the parts that I dislike and fight amongst themselves) is the way to change in my experience.
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Enlightenment is not solely about the peace of mind alone. Enlightenment means our soul atman that has manifested the human form to work out its karma (remove the dross impurities within) has reached the climax… the cosmic end of life!
Enlightenment is never gained by a human being. The garb of a human being is simply worn by the soul atman within to work out its karma… regain its original prime pristine pure form! The moment human beings reached the stage of enlightenment… the need for the soul atman to manifest a body further ceases to exist.
The soul atman finally liberates itself from the cycle of birth and death forever! Enlightenment is also not a state of mind. It is a permanent state of life for our soul atman within. Enlightenment is not that easily gained. In the last about 150 years… only sri Ramakrishna Paramhansa and Maharishi Ramana gained enlightenment amongst 6500 million people existing on Mother Earth.
I don’t think the value of inner peace in itself is bad. But if that is what we all value the most, what happens when we don’t live up to it?
My job has reached proportions of stress never previously seen before. It is being done intentionally. The owners hope that people will quit or get fired so they don’t have to pay unemployment. Last night, I just snapped. I was angry, no two ways about it.
I would certainly like to handle all situations with perfect peace and calm. But I don’t and no one else does either. And I have a tendency (like most people also) to beat myself up when I lose my cool. That just extends my lack of peace.
A friend of mine reminded me that we decide what things mean. We are “meaning makers”. What I think something means determines it’s value to me. It also determines my emotional state. So if we are going for a “meta-value”, I would say it would be the power to create meaning.
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@ Vijay – I wasn’t necessarily talking about enlightenment as it is traditionally seen in some eastern cultures and religions. It was much more basic than that. I guess a more accurate title would have been “Is this a form of enlightenment” Thanks for your points though, interesting stuff!
@ Ned – That same as what happens when we don’t live up to any value, we feel a certain sense of unease. And just because most people don’t do something doesn’t imho mean it’s not worth striving for. Not that I think you mean that, but it kind of reads that way to me.