I’m going to wrap up the whole goals and New Year resolutions thing today before I drag it on for so long that you’re distracted by thoughts of who to invite round for Thanksgiving dinner. I suspect that if you really intend making positive changes this year you’ve already begun to do so. If that is the case, I hope things are going humdingingly well for you.
However, just in case you’ve wavering, procrastinating or flat out sucking at making conscious change, I’m back today to help tip you over the edge of the goal setting, resolution making, future-enhancing precipice of life. Pretentious? Moi?
I’m not completely sure how many ways there are to can skin a cat (I can only think of about 5, and disappointingly Wikipedia doesn’t help clear this conundrum up), but I’m prepared to believe it’s a quite lot, hence the expression.
Personal development is a lot like skinning a cat, without any cat or skinning equipment required. A method that works for one person (cat) may very well crash and burn for another (different cat) because we’re all wired up differently and respond to different stimuli.
With this blog I am cognizant that I’m throwing ideas and techniques out there that will work for most of the people most of the time, but by no means all of the people all of the time. I guess that’s why I get so frustrated and even dare I say it, irritated, with some of the more in-ya-face bloggers when they try and tell people “This is how it is and this is what you need to know and how you need to apply it.”
The real truth of the mater is you need to find ways that work for YOU. Not be spending all your time trying to play the game by somebody else’s rule when you have no idea what the rules are, or even what game you’re playing.
That’s why I try and give alternatives whenever possible because if something doesn’t work for you, then I want you to realize that you ALWAYS have choices and options. There’s never any need to adopt the erroneous belief that change isn’t possible and give up.
I have a deep and unshakable belief that the vast majority of people are inherently good. I don’t believe anybody is born evil and that even those people in society that are deemed to be so, have been taught how to be that way. I’m not looking to open up a debate on whether evil exists (my opinion for what it’s worth is that it doesn’t), and the merits of nature versus nurture, I just want to share something that may be helpful.
Think for a moment about Hurricane Katrina and the Tsunami that hit the Indian Ocean on 26th December 2004. Both of those events were truly horrific and thousands of lives were lost. Now think of the reaction of people worldwide when asked for help. Hundreds of millions of dollars were donated from all over the world. People rallied to show support and demonstrate that we’re all in this together. There was a worldwide wave of compassion and desire to demonstrate solidarity for those in need. Isn’t that weird when you juxtapose it against commonly held beliefs that people are selfish?
Have you ever asked somebody to help you and they said no? Well yeh of course you have it was a stupid question and it happens all the time (who’s going to be the first person to tell me there are no stupid questions?), but let me follow up by asking you this: How often do you get offered help by somebody that doesn’t know you need any? Not only that, but the offer comes at exactly the right time? Seldom or never would be my guess.
I have a belief that as humans we are hard-wired in to wanting to help each other. That at our core we really don’t like to see other people struggle and in misery if we can help relieve it. I appreciate that we can easily bury this philanthropic part of our nature, especially if we think it will impact on our own ability to be happy, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
The reason why I think it’s not immediately apparent to a lot of people is because so many hate asking for help. They see it as a sign of weakness or believe they’ll look foolish for not knowing something. Yet nothing could be further from the truth. Actually I’m sure there’s lots of things further from the truth I was just using a bit of artistic license there, sorry.
Think of somebody famous that you really admire and I’ll almost guarantee that they’re brilliant at asking for help. That help doesn’t necessarily have to come in the form of a straightforward request because there is more than one way to skin that particular cat too. Delegating, team building and even the less appealing coercing, are all forms of recognition that you want and need the help of others.
NEWS FLASH: You cannot exist on your own in life. You’re in constant and permanent need of help. It doesn’t matter who you are, what you do, how much money you have, where you live or how self-reliant you think you are, you are dependent on others.
I presume you didn’t build your own car or house all from parts that you made in your own workshop that you previously built from wood you grew in your own forest? Similarly, I’m guessing you don’t perform your own dental work and medical procedures, make your own clothes and you haven’t set up your own one-person cellular network or built your own computer from parts that you designed, engineered and manufactured single-handedly?
If you have goals or resolutions that you’d really like to fulfill this year and don’t think you can, have you asked for help? Have you thought “Who can help me make this happen?” Or have you been too wrapped up with “How can I do that?” or worse still “I’ll never be able to do that”
It doesn’t matter what you want to do, somebody has either done it before or done something very similar. Talking to such people can help you get to where you want to be quicker and more easily and here’s the best bit.
People will often respond to your requests favorably!
I have met numerous people for lunch and coffee that wanted to discuss life coaching. I’ve spent hours on the phone to people with similar requests both here and in the UK and I almost never refuse to help if somebody asks politely and showers me with praise and adulation. Is that because I’m a Saint and need to be canonized immediately and have a 30 feet bronze statue erected in my honor? Yes!
Ok, maybe a more honest answer would be, I’m passionate about life coaching, being able to help people and I also love the sound of my own voice. Ipso facto me talking about Life Coaching is nirvana and if I can do it, I will do it.
Help in achieving your goals may come in many forms. It may be hiring a coach or personal trainer or talking to somebody that has done what you want to do. It may be reading books to get an idea of how other people have succeeded or seeing if you can find a mentor. It may be joining Toastmasters, the Chamber of Commerce or some other local not for profit organization that is just sat there waiting for YOU to ask them for help. How cool is that?
Everywhere you look there are people wanting to help you if only you’d ask them.
I know some people worry about being rejected and feeling bad if somebody turns their request down. I’m stifling a groan here because I’m about to get all clichéd and coachy, please prepare yourself.
If you want something and haven’t got it, and then ask for it and still don’t get it, guess what?
If you said you’re in exactly the same place as when you started and haven’t really lost anything, good effort, but not quite. If you said you’re in a better place because you now know that you need to be asking somebody else and you’re no longer clinging on to false hope. Good for you and please cut this A+ out and stick it on the fridge door for all to see.
Asking for help is a good thing and as such I’m now going to ask for YOUR help.
I have almost finished setting my business goals for 2009 and I need your help in achieving them. I can’t hit any of them without the aid of other people and specifically you. It may be that you don’t feel able to do so and that’s totally and utterly fine. I’m still grateful you read my blog and you’re welcome back here anytime gorgeous.
If you’re still reading, here are the two areas where you may be able to lend a helping hand.
Goal for 2009: 5,000 blog subscribers – I now have about 1,500 subscribers via e-mail and RSS feed, so that’s a big jump. If you know anybody that you think may enjoy my ramblings, please let him or her know with an e-mail or by using ‘Send to a friend’ that is at the bottom of each post. Even if you THINK you may know somebody, that would be cool too. They can always ignore your e-mail, block your correspondence and report you for spamming them if they take umbrage. On the other hand, if you’d be embarrassed to think anybody else knows you frequent this place, nuff said, no worries.
Goal for 2009: Sell 25,000 books – My marketing has been truly pathetic over the last 12 months. In fact, book campaigns that were officially classified as pathetic in the New York Times Top 10 Pathetic Campaigns of 2008 have complained at being compared to mine.
‘Don’t Ask Stupid Questions – There Are No Stupid Questions’ has had great reviews (honest – read them here if you don’t believe me) yet I’ve sold less than 1,000 copies. If you like this blog, you’ll love that book as well as the more hands-on ‘Know Yourself – Change Yourself’ and ‘Stress is for Suckers’.
I’m really not asking you to buy a copy of any of them if you can’t afford it, aren’t really that bothered or out of any sense of obligation. That would be against everything I stand for. But if you have been wavering, maybe now is the time? Even an honest review on Amazon if you have read it would be gratefully received.
Or perhaps you know somebody that I should be sending a free copy to, to help promote it? Or maybe you know somebody that knows somebody that is well connected somewhere or other to some other bloke that knows this women that once met Oprah in an elevator and Oprah asked her of she’d read any good books lately? The latter probably didn’t happen exactly like that, but I’ll never know if I don’t ask, right?
I have lots of goals, but these are the two that I think you may be able to help me with most easily. Having said that, if you have a 5 bedroom house with pool in the Windermere area going spare, I’d be happy to take it off your hands.
If you need help in achieving your goals, just ask! And what better time and place than now in the comments field below to get the ball rolling? You never know who’ll be reading and who’d welcome an opportunity to help you out.
IMPORTANT NOTE: No cats were skinned, flayed or even gently prodded during the making of this post.
Related Post – Ask For Help – published 21st Feb 2007
Hey Tim,
I love that you publicly stated your goals. That’s tremendous. You’ll have 5000 subscribers. Sure, it’s a leap, but you have a great launching pad already. 25,000 books, I’m sure you can do that too, and 5,000 subscribers will surely help you get there.
Writer Dads last blog post..New Year’s Re-Solutions
I have always been one of those “stubborn” people. I’m finally learning that I don’t NEED to be the “one Woman Banana Stand” and ask for help when I need it.
I have been reading here for a little bit now and love it….I have also been passing on posts to friends, etc.
one got offended by your “…ways to be miserable” posts I sent her, but it was her to a “T” and hoped she would learn something… but, I guess not. Ya can’t help those that won’t even try to help themselves.
I’ll admit it, asking for help is not something I’m good at. In fact, half of the time it doesn’t even occur to me.
Your post gave me an idea for my newest project so I ordered a copy of your book. There were only 3 copies left when I placed the order (so should be 2 now) so if anyone wants one, they should hurry!
@ Writer Dad – Thanks a lot man! I hope you’re right and to be honest it’s about time I got my finger out and produced some results. The wife wonders what the hell I do all day! ;_0
@ Amy – LMAO, that’s so funny! Every time I type a dreaded swear word I wonder if somebody is going to get offended. Then I think if they get offended by that, they’ll get offended by something at some stage, so let them get on with it. Thanks for the feedback and also fro introducing me to the expression “one Woman Banana Stand”
@ TRacy – LOL, yeh good point you’re right people need to hurry. Especially the e-book, I only have 6 in total left!
OH, it wasn’t the swear words (she’s known to put a sailor to shame at times..lol) it was the concept that I made it very clear to her she was making herself miserable (since the 2 years of being nice about it didn’t work).
She was actually dragging me down to the pity party she kept creating, so I left the friendship. I have been so much more positive and happier since I had the friendship divorce. :)
As usual you’re a class act. I’ve started the ball rolling by STUMBLING this page. I hope a few more of your readers follow suit – you deserve it.
If I may offer some constructive criticism, I would start by working on this page:
http://www.adaringadventure.com/dont-ask-stupid-questions.php
Having read it a couple of times, I still don’t really know what’s in the book that would make me want to buy it.
Jakob Nielsen has plenty to say on the subject of writing good content for the web:
http://www.useit.com/papers/webwriting/
The one that seems most relevent to your page right now is this:
http://www.useit.com/alertbox/intro-text.html
Hope that’s of some use to you.
Dave
Posted it to my bloglines blog and wrote nice things about your sincerity with a link to this post on my Live Journal. Not that it is much or a readership boost but every drop in the bucket and all that. I enjoy reading the way you put things together and how you express certain ideas. Thanks for asking for help.
Yah, I’m pretty stubborn and bad at asking for help. I know it’s something that I need to work on, so I’ve chosen “Reach Out” as my theme for 2009. In my mind, part of reaching out means asking for help when I need it.
@ Amy – Ok ,gotchya and it sounds like you’re well out of it if she doesn’t want to change for the better.
@ Dave F – Thnks mate!
@ Dave M – LOL,you’re absolutely right. This post wasn’t intended to be a request for help. It originally was going to end about 3/4 of the way through. Then I thought “Why not practice what I preach?”
That stemmed out of a conversation with somebody about copywriting because I know some of mine is lame at best and juvenile at worst.
So in conclusion, feedback like that is always VERY welcome, thanks!
@ Stormy – Thanks a lot, I really appreciate that!
Well I can not buy your books….again. I enjoyed them very much though and would suggest to everyone to give them a read. Well worth the little change you are asking in exchange. We all have to ask for help more. Swallow the pride, kick the ego to the curb, and just ask! Consider this stumbled, and your books mentioned on good ol’ twitter. Thanks for asking for help Tim, I am happy to oblige.
Jays last blog post..The Power of Silence- Part 1
@ Maria – How about of you decided to be stubborn about not being stubborn. You could stubbornly refuse to ever be stubborn again ;-)
@ Jay – How cool is it that 2 people have thanked ME for asking them for help? That says a lot to me.
My help? No. Except to point out something I read by Jack Canfield (who had a goal of 400k books), who realised that it was MUCH easier to sell to chains – ie, go to the distributors, then you’ll get orders for 25k books at a time, etc – rather than to individuals.
However, I do believe in you, & I think you’re doing great work in this world. So, if there are any other of my rather eclectic skillset that you think might be useful, I’m very willing to spend a bunch of time helping you out. Feel free to email if you want to talk more.
Sis last blog post..Rewrite Your Past
Great asking, Tim!!! Ask and you shall receive. I know you kick ass so I’m going to think of some ways to send readers who are in need of that, to you!!
Hint hint. I need some help myself in promoting my site. If you’ve got any readers who are still interested in the law-of-attraction thingy, despite what you share about your doubts, do send them my way…LOL!!
Tim,
How refreshing to find another soul who does not buy into people are just born evil. A few years ago I read a book by Scott M.Peck, “People of the Lie”, it saddened me to think that so many people were absorbing the idea that innocent babies, were born with a bad seed.
Keep up the good fight, real changes happen slowly. Moment by moment, by the choices we make in the present.
I do so appreciate what I find here and offer you my thanks and continued support.
Carin
Happy New Year
Hey Tim!
Maybe this will help–we recently reviewed this blog on DoYouDiggIt.com. Honest to God, before you even asked (check the date, it’s the 7th Aussie time, and no, I didn’t backdate the post to look good :0)!
Anyway, here’s a link to your review, which comes with a handy Digg button (at the bottom) that you and all your fans can use to Digg It and get you even more exposure.
http://www.doyoudiggit.com/personal-development/daring-to-face-discomfort
Now there’s a way for everyone here to help without even having to admit to friends that you frequent this blog.
And since I subscribed when I did the review, you can make that 4,999.
Best to you this year! Maybe I’ll go buy a book now…..
Mary, Do You Digg It Review Teams last blog post..Your Daily Dose Of Blog Support
@ Si – Thanks a lot man! That means a lot and I’ll rack my brains for something to pester you via e-mail about ;-)
@ Evelyn – I know you have been very supportive and I’m grateful. I’d certainly recommend anybody that is interested in reading more on the LoA to check out YOUR site before they make their mind up.
@ Carin – Not only don’t I buy into it Carin, but I think it’s quite frankly preposterous, but obviously I couldn’t say that here! Thanks very much for your support.
@ Mary – OH come on you’ve played about with that timestamp you rascal haven’t you? ;-) Actually I did see the incoming link last night and I had planned on e-mailing you to say thanks today. Now I don’t need to because I can do it here. I have to admit I’m not big on Digg and all my attempts to hit the front page have ended up in the classifieds! Maybe it’s too young an audience for me, who knows?
Thanks a lot for the link and review.
Hi,
You’re right about help. I was one who went to Mississippi to help after Katrina for one week. I came home thinking I don’t have problems only minor inconveniences!
I think it may be helpful to have more bright colors in your blog design. Gray is very dull.
Congrats on all of your subscribers and goals. I know you’ll succeed. People who ask for help usually do.
Tim,
I think your goals are too modest. Why not go for it? Become ruler of the universe. That’s my own hope for 2009.
;>)
Would be more than happy to help in any way I can. I can do much more, though, when I become Topmost Potentate.
That said, one of the things that makes your practice unique — and everyone who knows you knows this — is that your words come from the right place. Oftentimes, we can garner wisdom from many sources, if we look hard enough, but we also often get a sneaking suspicion, or a hammer over the head, that the wise one is a bastard at the same time. You’re a good egg, Tim, and that makes for better reading and listening.
Best wishes for 2009!!
@ Tess – Good for you! I hear you on my colors. I get a very mixed reaction and it’s a really difficult thing to get right but I’m grateful for the feedback.
@ Doug – It’s funny you say that Doug, I was actually thinking that earlier today. I’d laugh (in a nice way) in the face of a client that had such puny goals. I should do a reassessment.
Thanks for that and of course I hope you have a brilliant 2009 with a best seller in there somewhere ;-)
Hi Tim
I like the idea. I’ve never associated “asking for help” with goals. I’ll have to consider this.
I can probably count on my hand the number of times that I’ve asked for help – and none of them have been for anything life significant.
Thank you,
Juliet
@ Juliet – Something I’ve blogged about before and alluded to above is changing our thinking with goals. It’s natural for us to think ‘how can I do this?’, but if we can change that mindset and think ‘who can help me?’ it makes things less overwhelming and naturally moves us toward seeking help. Thanks for the comment.
@Tim “IMPORTANT NOTE: No cats were skinned, flayed or even gently prodded during the making of this post.” Darn! maybe next time right?
I have your book and will write a review for it on amazon. I will be glad to give you 5 well deserved stars! I will also share your site with friends. Why should I have all the fun right?
One of my goals is to write and publish a series of science curriculum books for elementary. I have never published anything and you have so any pointers on the steps to getting that done would be appreciated. I will also need to find an illustrator for the different activities in the books.
Good luck with your goals Tim. I know you will achieve them!
Tim,
You don’t need to have a belief that humans are hard wired to want to help each other – it’s a fact.
I’m a neuroscientist and one of the fundamental aspects of the way the human brain functions is that empathy is a key part of why we are so evolutionarily successful.
There is a key survival advantage to helping others even if the benefit to yourself isn’t immediately obvious. The end result is that the species as a whole survives even if individuals might not benefit from helping their fellow cave man escape from that saber tooth tiger.
The biochemistry behind why this happens might still be a mystery, but there is no doubt that humans are social animals and everyone wins if we help each other.
Patrick
veryevolved.com
Very Evolveds last blog post..How to generate an emotional response from your audience
Well, you can thank Vered for pointing you out to me…one more subscriber. :)
It’s funny how hard asking for help can be when you think of how often people are willing to help. I started a new job about a month ago and have had to learn a LOT. I was worried that my coworkers, especially the guy who had the job a few years ago, would think less of me for asking for their help. But it turns out that he has all these little systems which he’s delighted to teach me because it makes him feel like the job will be done right. And I like his systems because he had the job for about 5 years and is tremendously efficient. I think our rapport is better because of it all.
Ruths last blog post..Baby Steps and New Year’s Resolutions
@ Laurie – I got very lucky with my publishing because I got to know the publisher before I wanted one. So he was already a friend when I started looking for e deal.
My advice for what you want would be to check out self-publishing companies like lulu.com and look at elance.com for illustrators. Twitter is great for what you want too, especially if you can get people to retweet.
@Patrick – Even better! Thanks for adding that and it’s comforting to actually know that’s the case. What you say makes perfect sense.
@ Ruth – Thanks to you for dropping by and also Vered for the recommendation. That’s a great example of being unsure of asking for help and the positive outcome when you do.s
I’m not sure if you’ve heard the parable of the old Stag and the young stag, but I’m gonna share the very short compact version anyway.
Old stag on hill looking at young stag thinking “Wow look at that young stag, with all the potential he has. If only I could chat with him and tell him about life and share some of my experience, but he won’t want to talk with an old fart like me (old fart is a technical stag term btw).
The young stag looks at the old stag and thinks “Look at that old stag, I bet he’s a wise old soul and could tell me a few stories about stagging and such, but he’d not want to be bothered by somebody like me”
Life is a bit like that without the antlers and clove hoofs.
@Tim I like the stag parable. It calls up Bambi…which actually isn’t a happy memory. Heh. Unfortunately, many young stags (myself included sometimes) don’t think that we have anything to learn from people who are more than 5 or 6 years older than us. They’re “out of touch.”
Lately, as I have adult coworkers (vs. teen/college jobs where I was mostly on a level with my peers), I’ve started realizing what people I know must have lived through, what sorts of stories they could probably tell. It’s not “useful” per se, but it seems fascinating. I just learned that Johnny Depp was in an undercover cop in highschool tv series in the 80s. Who knew? (And I work with people who grew up under segregation, things of greater weight.)
Ruths last blog post..Baby Steps and New Year’s Resolutions
Hi there. Hope you don’t mind, but I have linked to this post on my (fledgling) coaching blog. You are someone I look up to in terms of coaching, and I hope I’m half as successful as you are in the not-too-distant future!
JenRs last blog post..Picture post