Cast your mind back to this time last year and try and remember what were you worrying about? Give it some serious thought. What was it specifically?
If you’re not a worrier you’re probably wondering what the hell I’m talking about and whether I had the wrong kind of mushroom soup for lunch again. On the other hand, if you’re a serial, world-class fretter you will have instinctively started scanning the dozens of worry files in your mind trying to find the one dated October 2007.
Unless you were undergoing something very specific and/or traumatic in your life at that time you probably wont be able to remember the issue that was causing you that momentary grief. It’ll just be another worry on another day in another month in another year chock full of worries and concerns. Why on earth should anything stand out when you just bounce from one crisis to another?
As I said in this post, your mind doesn’t reconstruct memories as would seem sensible, it constructs them. That is the reason why you can’t remember what you had for dinner on April 13th 1996. It’s just a day like any other of several thousand that you have lived so how on earth are you supposed to remember that particular one clearly?
Well I can remember, I can tell you exactly what I had on that day. Does that make me a genius with a brain the size of a small planet and a memory to embarrass a herd of super intelligent elephants? Much as I’d like to think so, probably not.
I can remember such a thing because it was my wedding day and it happened just before my father-in-law stood up to deliver a 5-minute speech that went on for almost an hour and a half and had people at the back stabbing forks into their eyes to keep them awake.
The day was obviously different to any other day in my life. As such I have a reference point for a meal that was otherwise less than extraordinary. That reference point allows me to pluck it from my memory with ease.
Therefore, the reason you can’t remember what your main focus of concern was a year ago is because it was nothing out of the ordinary. More importantly than that, it wasn’t that significant in your great scheme of things and probably never panned out as badly as you predicted at the time.
Why am I going on so much about this you may be wondering? Why am I not just laboring the point, but beating the poor thing to death with the eagerness of a Faroe Islander on a baby seal clubbing mission?
The reason is this. If you continue to justify your reasoning (especially to yourself) with “Yeh but this is different, I really DO need to worry about this” you’ll never break the habit. You have to believe there is never any benefit to worrying. Otherwise there’ll be no incentive to change and the cycle will continue ad infinitum and you’ll make yourself unnecessarily miserable. If that’s your goal, check this out.
The belief that you need to worry is just that, a belief, it’s not fact. I need you to go with me on this. If you are (dare I say it) worried about not worrying, and think you may start acting recklessly, park that belief at the door for the moment. It’s ok; you can give the keys to the nice valet and if you want them back again at the end, that’s fine.
As a rule of thumb you can’t rationalize your way out of fears that are buried at an unconscious level. For example, if you have a fear of flying it is fruitless to tell yourself that it doesn’t make any sense and that it’s safer than eating tomatoes. You already know that and the knowledge has little or zero effect when it’s time to board that plane.
However, it’s slightly different with worrying because it often occurs precisely because either somebody hasn’t done the analysis or has done so and grossly over-estimated the danger.
Let’s take an easy starting point with this. I know that about 5% of people do exercises in books and so forth, but I don’t care because I know you’re more intelligent than the 95% and that if you want to make changes you’ll do this.
Make a list of the last 10 things that you can remember worrying about. It can be anything from thinking you’ll get laughed at for leaving the house in odds socks to being convinced that the headache you had was a brain tumor the size of a small melon. Just write them down.
Of the 10 things how many came to fruition? My guess would be 2 or under if you’re anything like my clients. This means that 80%+ of the time you’re wrong in making a decision to worry. In and of itself that is cool and will help any sane person with an IQ higher than the Village Idiot’s pet pigeon to see that things need to change.
It gets better though. Thinking of the times you were right, how many had consequences as serious as you initially predicted? I’m confident that this will be either a tiny minority or none at all.
As I said above, you’re an intelligent person, so what the hell are you doing devoting so much time and energy to stuff that rarely or never happens. It’s nuts, you know that, right? It’s like planning a huge party and not inviting anybody.
If you have a levelheaded objective friend whose judgment you respect, why not enlist their help in evaluating your problems? Ask them whether they think your concerns are valid or whether you’re making mountains out of molehills. In fact, ask yourself now if people frequently say such things to you. If they do, then isn’t that telling you something?
All worrying happens in the future about stuff that may or may not happen. You can’t worry about the past (although you can feel guilty which is about as useful) and you certainly can’t worry about the present. So get yourself in the present more often because it’s the only place you can live life to the fullest anyway.
Here’s what I want you to do. I am going to give you the day after tomorrow off from worrying. As preparation I want to get all your worrying done up front. Worry about your health, the weather, the election, your family, the way that guy you don’t know looked at you, whether your bum looks too big and anything else you can think about. Take your time to wallow in this stuff like a very happy pig basking in the warm, wet, brown stuff for the next few hours.
Then on the day in question you can follow the American tradition of outsourcing and let me do your worrying for you. On this one occasion I’m not going to charge you, so let me know what you want me to worry about in the comments field and I’m on the case.
It may be that you have some serious stuff going on in your life at the moment and you think this doesn’t really apply to you. Well it does. Even if you are seriously ill or have money problems that could mean you lose your house you can still decide not to worry. Worrying will not help; it will just make you feel even worse and prevent you from acting, the one thing that you most need to do.
This isn’t an overnight fix. It takes time and patience to overcome years of worrying, but it can be done if the will is there. If you’re a worrier, I highly recommend you take the time and release yourself from the shackles and start to live a little.
Tim Brownson is a Certified Life Coach and has been unsticking people and helping them reach their true potential since 2005. If you would like to know how he can help you
If worrying has any value, it is to bring to your awareness that there is something you don’t feel you’ve addressed yet or prepared for. If you ask yourself whether you’ve done everything you can about whatever you’re worried about, and have taken full account of the risks (as full as a mere mortal can) then you can tell yourself there is no more need to worry. Often I worry before I’ve made a decision; once it is made, there’s nothing left to worry about (even if it proves to be a mistake … because I know I did the best I could at the time, with the information that was available and with the pressures that existed, to make my decision).
Another rule I like … the rule of fives. Will it matter in five hours? Five days? Five weeks … months … years … (decades … you get the picture). That’s a good way to remind yourself there’s a point where it won’t be an issue any more, which can help to let go
(also works for anger management!!)
Tim I need you to worry about my job for me. My hours have been cut twice, and I drive too far for it to be affordable. How about some worrying for where the hell am I going to come up with money? Oh, oh, oh, and how about I don’t feel connected with my bf anymore.
How bout that one too?
I think that would about cover me.
Melissas last blog post..Easy Distraction
Once my car conked out – alternator. I had to turn the corner and park right there in front of a ‘Keep Clear at All Times’ sign. I had to get out and walk 45 minutes on mid-winter’s night in shoes I wouldn’t have chosen for the job. My roadside assist membership had expired, I didn’t have enough money in the bank for starting it up again, I didn’t have enough money for a parking fine or three, I didn’t have enough money to get my car towed or to buy a new alternator. And my partner would be annoyed when I got home, naturally, for making such a hash of things.
I was in a lather.
When I go home he moved into the-man-who-can-fix-everything mode. The whole problem was solved within about half an hour. I think I probably owed the money he lent me for the memebership and the new alternator.
It was a bit inconvenient walking in that temperature in those shoes, but it was a horrible experience because of all the imagined problems that had swirled around in my head as I walked.
So Tim, what I’m trying to say is, I agree with you.
Hilarys last blog post..Stop everything
@ Victoria – I’m not convinced. What stops us taking action when we can see there could be a problem. DO we need to actually start the worrying process? I know it can feel like we do, but is that the reality?
@ Melissa – Ok you’ve got it! Whilst I’m worrying for you, you can get on with the reframing, ok? Use Victorias suggestion. When you look back in 5 years will you care they cut your hours or will you see that as the catalyst to moving forward? With every disconnection comes the opportunity to reconnect stronger and wiser.
@ Hilary – Thanks! Your day sounds a bit like this http://www.adaringadventure.com/blog/wordpress/life-coaching/gratitude-from-a-bad-attitude/
I like the idea of working out how many “worries” actually came true!
Another danger of worrying is that one worry breeds others – start off worrying about one small thing but it leads into something worse because “worry mode” has taken over. Or is this just me!
I’m going for a non-worried weekend…….I have some decisions to make (none of which can take place yet) so I’m actively not going to worry about them. Tim, hope you enjoy the outsourcing process of worrying about 1)what kind of car should I get next as my current one has an intermittent fault, and 2)whether my current relationship can be healed!
@ Farncesca – No that’s not just you, that’s human nature. We effectively practice worrying and get really skilled at it. I’m on the case with your car and worrying for you that you don’t get a lemon ;-)
I do not worry too much. But sometimes the things I do worry about are really problems. Like money, or my health. The problems cannot be ignored, and sometimes I can’t stop worrying about them until the issue is resolved. If don’t have money and you need it, yet there is none to be found for some time, how do you not worry about it? Like many others in the current economic woes we are having, I find it hard to get off my mind!
But I like your perspective on this and will try hard to apply your points to my situation and see how it all comes out.
I like this blog… it is refreshing to see a life coach with a good sense of humor and a sassy attitude, among so many others who bore me to death with flowery positive gibberish. Keep up the good work :)
PS – I found your blog via the “Describe your blog in 140 characters or less” challenge at Problogger.
Bobbi Jo Woodss last blog post..Exchanging referrals on the fly – Are you prepared?
@ Bobbi Jo – Thanks for the kind feedback and also for stopping by.
If you have had years of worrying it will often seem like you have no choice, but you have. In no way am I trying to suggest it’s anything other than difficult to change, but it can be done. It’s not an overnight fix and it takes work to unpick learned behavior, work that most people don’t want to do.
I’ll be careful to avoid the flowery positive gibberish ;-)
I like your stuff, learned about you on ProBlogger, good job!
@ Dmitri – Thanks a lot and glad to have you here!
Worrying is a normal human state that most often we don’t have control over when a circumstance calls for it. Worry is even healthy if we know how to manage it and turn it around in a positive direction with positive results.
@ Sharon – That really depends on your interpretation of the word normal. Firstly, we have evolved to worry because you can’t worry without a pre-frontal cortex and we didn’t used to possess one of those.
I have to say that imho worry is never healthy. I cannot think of one instance where worry has any use whatsoever. Worry is not action and worry is not careful thought. Worry is the process of imagining what may happen in any given set of circumstances. It makes people ill, it clouds judgment and the vast majority of the time it is ungrounded because what the person was so worried about never comes to pass.
There are only two things you can worry about, things within your control and those outside of it. If they’re in your control, why worry? Just deal with it. If they’re outside your influence, why worry?
Sorry if it seems I’m taking issue with everything you say, but I guess I am ;-)
If worry has any use it would be that it induces a response that may lead to some kind of positive action to bring to your awareness that there is something that doesn’t feel right and you need to do something about it.
Notice when you worry and shift your energy into action. Take actions to prepare and don’t waste your time thinking negatively about something that might happen. Plan for a positive outcome. http://www.selfinthecity.com
Unnecessary worrying would lead to a no.of health problems and many are prone to chronic heart problems and diabetes. The best is to take life as it comes and stop worrying whatever be the subject.