I had a really interesting conversation with a client the other day after we had spent some time doing the core values exercise.
She wanted to know what the best way was to apply the information that we had uncovered to improve the quality of her life.
That sounds like a really obvious question, but it’s one I seldom get asked and it had me wondering if other clients thought the same thing but didn’t like to ask.
The client in question seemed to think that knowing her core values was merely useful in retrospect. That she could look back on an event such as an internal meeting at work and realize after the fact why it didn’t go as well as she’d liked by studying her values.
And that’s true, she could do that because most disagreements will come down to values if you dig deep enough.
For example it wasn’t difficult for me to figure out why I didn’t really care for the guy that was fitting my glasses a couple of years ago. His rant about Muslims cut straight through the heart of one of my core values, that of tolerance.
In that instance it was apparent to me immediately why I didn’t like the guy and nothing gave me greater pleasure than to say to him:
“I’m not sure I get what you’re saying because my brother-in-law is a Muslim and he seems like a really nice guy and I’m almost positive he’s never built a bomb”
Cue lots of stammering and the lamest of all lame apologizes when he responded by saying:
“Well obviously not every Muslim is a bad person.”
However I’d like to think I’m more aware of value conflicts than most people as I talk about them almost every day, and as such I should be able to spot them fairly quickly or get a new job.
And anyway, that was a blatantly obvious in-my-face conflict. Some are far more subtle and may only be spotted after the event as my client quite rightly suggested.
But there are lots more ways to use your values to improve the quality of your life and raise your happiness levels than merely to analyze something that didn’t go as planned.
Sometimes you use them pro-actively, sometimes they are ingrained and happen naturally and other times like in the example above you can use them retrospectively.
And therein lies the beauty and the importance of understanding your values because they are constantly effecting everything you do and say whether it’s by auto-pilot or because you’re in control.
I’m going to run through 4 of my top 8 values in no particular order and explain what the words mean to me (you could have very different meanings and that’s fine) and how I use them to my benefit and in what context.
The Value Of Peace
When I refer to peace I am always meaning peace of mind. World peace is nice and I’m all for it, but at this stage in our evolutionary development it’s probably not a reality outside of Miss South Carolina’s head.
However, peace of mind can always be a reality no matter what the external circumstances. If that is you work at it and really persevere, and then work and really persevere some more.
There’s several reasons I meditate, but none more important than trying to cultivate equanimity.
People sometimes confuse equanimity with apathy when they are in no way connected. Equanimity allows you to retain your own personal power because you decide to react with calm no matter how trying the circumstances.
It doesn’t mean you’ll never be sad or that you’ll be in a permanent state of bliss, it just means you won’t spend your entire life mindlessly reacting to situations, many of which aren’t even within your control
Ingrained or needs work?
For me it most definitely requires a lot of work and it’s work that will never end. I definitely have a tendency to become defensive and grumpy if things aren’t going my way, but meditation is helping me improve that aspect of my personality.
How can I use this to be happier?
Apart from the fact that meditation has been proven to increase happiness levels amongst other benefits, the sheer fact that I’m less likely to get down under certain circumstances by default means I’m living a happier life.
The Value Of Integrity
Probably the single biggest reason I left sales was because I was regularly asked to do things that, in my opinion, lacked integrity.
As a Life Coach if I don’t act with integrity then I’m dead in the water because (hopefully) nobody in their right mind would hire a Coach who lacks integrity.
When I offered almost $1,000 worth of free coaching to somebody if I failed to go the month of November without alcohol, it would have been easy for me to have lied and not admitted to crumbling in the face of a very sexy bottle of Pinot Noir on Thanksgiving.
That would indeed have saved me some time and nobody would have ever known. Except that is, me, and I would have been extremely pissed off at myself.
Ingrained or needs work?
For me, thanks to my dad, this is largely ingrained. I’m not saying I never have to take a step back and remind myself, but it’s not something that I am actively working on like peace of mind.
How can I use this to be happier?
If integrity is important to you and you constantly act in ways that breach that value you will over time give your self esteem a good kicking.
It may seem weird and woo-woo, but I feel lighter and more at ease when I know I’m acting with integrity. It didn’t bother me to give the free Life Coaching away because the alternative was much worse.
The Value Of Freedom
Freedom is probably the value I have to be most careful with when working with clients. And the reason is it has so many definitions and I really need to make sure I fully understand what the client means when they say freedom.
For me it’s really about freedom to do what I want, when I want. Now I do understand that’s not always possible, but by and large and finances notwithstanding I have pretty much nailed this aspect since becoming a Life Coach.
Ingrained or needs work?
I think this is largely ingrained for me. If I get a request for coaching midweek at 10.00am I automatically say no because that’s when I take my dogs out and nobody messes with my dog walking!
I also get to decide when I take time off, which clients I say yes to and when I want to post a blog. Unfortunately, I don’t get to decide on whether I empty the dishwasher or what to watch on TV, so not totally there yet.
How can I use this to be happier?
The two biggest stressors in peoples lives are lack of choice and lack of autonomy. My definition of freedom gives me choice the vast majority of the time and I working for myself I always have complete autonomy.
Therefore, as stress and happiness are almost mutually exclusive it increases my likelihood of being happier.
The Value Of Tolerance
There’s nothing that bugs me more than intolerant people, which is possibly hypercritical because that means I’m intolerant of intolerance!
If you’re reading my blog I don’t give a crap if your a Muslim or a Jew, if you’re black or white, gay or straight, Republican or Democrat, Crip or Blood because you’re obviously trying to work on yourself and improve your lot in life.
Life aint easy and I respect anybody that is trying to become a better person, even if I’m unsure what being better really means.
Ingrained or needs work?
Yikes, this definitely needs work because as I already said I can be brutally intolerant toward people, organizations, religions and cultures that persecute and ostracize people because they’re different and bad drivers!
How can I use this to be happier?
This is more abstract and has less impact on my happiness levels than the other values listed.
However, whenever I can demonstrate tolerance (and also compassion) in the face of adversity I do feel better about myself and anyway giving the finger to another driver never achieved anything positive.
Conclusion
Values are incredibly complex and even though I mention them a lot I hesitate to blog about them too often for fear of only painting part of the picture and leaving you more confused than enlightened.
I really only scratched the surface with this post, but I hope I have given you a taster of why understanding your own core values is so crucially important to the quality of your life.
If you know your values, I hope you now have a clearer idea of how you can use them to feel happier.
And remember, happiness arises in large part from doing what you consider to be the right things which always means being in alignment with your values.
Should you have a value that is important to you and don’t know how to utilize that information, drop me a blog comment and I’ll do my best to explain.
If you don’t know your own values or would simply would like to dig deeper you can check out my book on the topic and as a sweetener I’ll even give you 40% of if you use the word kaito at checkout. I will be changing that password on Sunday however, so don’t dick about! ;-)
I purchased Tim’s book, did the exercise and not only did it provide clarity about why things in the past had affected me as they had, the insight I gained put me on the path to rejigger the focus of my business including changing my brand (in progress as we speak).
Knowing your core values provides a solid foundation from which to work. Sometimes it’s obvious. Like the Muslim-hating jerk you talk about, Tim. Other times when something just doesn’t feel right, I bump it up against my core values and there it is. It either aligns with my anti-values or doesn’t align with the core ones.
Though I’d heard namby pamby ideas about core values, it wasn’t until Tim’s exercise that I got how much it really matters. Cool stuff, to put it mildly.
So I’d get it right away, but if you do “dick about” and miss the deal because you read this post too late, it’s worth every penny that you pay. Deal or no.
Wow, if I didn’t know better I’d have thought I paid you to write that Mary!
Thanks very much that’s much appreciated and that review would look cool against the Amazon version ;-)
Well I’ll not sit by my mailbox waiting for the check then.
Honestly, there’s so much hype and crap out there sucking dry the pockets of the hopeful, (yes I’m bitter and cynical about it) it’s just refreshing to see someone not doing that.
Had no idea it was on Amazon — must’ve slept through that class. So I plunked a version of this review there too.
Reconsider the check? ;-)
The problem is Mary, values aren’t sexy. Most people want short cuts, quotes and life hacks,. not to be told they need to do hard work
Just think if you hadn’t commented this would have been my first commentless post in about 5 years! That really tells you everything ;-)
Thanks again.
I think values are sexy!
And so are you mate ;-)
“Honestly, there’s so much hype and crap out there sucking dry the pockets of the hopeful, (yes I’m bitter and cynical about it) it’s just refreshing to see someone not doing that.”
One of the many reasons that Tim has such a loyal fanbase.
Tim, I always enjoying reading your blogs and first time to actually make a comment. I am just beginning on my career as a life coach and have to say this topic struck a cord with me as it seems so obvious a question to ask. Yes we discover what our core values are but how do we apply them into our life & in our decision making going forward. Thanks for the blog really useful and helpful.
Hi Sandra. Putting values into practice is really simple (from my personal experience anyway). You just check to see if the decision you’re about to make aligns with your values. For example, if your number one value is Fun, and you’re about to take a new job that has zero scope for fun, you may want to think twice about going ahead.
Sandra, that is a HUGE question and not really one I can answer in the comments of a blog because that’s why I wrote the book on it!
Rob pretty much nails it very succinctly though.
Thanks a lot for the kind words and jumping in and commenting.
Tim, Until I did the Values exercise with you, I did not realise how powerful having that knowledge could be.
Identifying my Values gave me healing insight and understanding of a situation I was in and my strong feelings of loss and upset and anxiousness – simple, on a daily basis I was in conflict with my Values. That knowing lifted a heavy weight from my mind and reduced the stress of dealing with the situation. The situation didn’t change, but my view of it did.
This post reminded me not to take that knowledge for granted and I did an “audit” on the Values you and I recognised as my guiding life principles, answering the three questions of what the Value means to me, whether it is ingrained or needs work and how it helps or can help make me happy.
This proved yet again how often we take things for granted. By doing the audit I am reminded to honour what I know, and apply it more regularly with awareness and attention.
Thank you Tim, by sharing your truths you encourage us to seek and honour ours, Mary-Ann
Awesome Mary_Ann, thank you!!
Wouldn’t that look nice on Amazon as a review ;-)
I really am pushing my luck with this post.
Nothing to do with luck! As they say: The harder I work the luckier I get. And as you love your work so much you must be really really lucky. I’m more than happy to turn this into an Amazon review, will be my first :) Will do one for the core values alignment book and also HTBRH, as I support and champion both whenever I get the chance. Will check out what else you have on Amazon, as I’ve read quite a bit of your stuff and this has given me a timely little prod to share my enthusiasm for your message. Cheers Mary-Ann
Thanks!
In all my time management coaching sessions I start with defining values, as ppl tend to spend their time NOT IN LINE with their values! I get surprised every time this happens. However, its worth a little digging, as it really helps clarifying what is important and leave out the crap from the clients’ life. Tim, absolute fan of your articles, really packed with hands on experiences.
Regards, Zoltan