He is a scientist and very scientific and literal in his thinking, and his last partner left him because (his words) she became a “hippy” so he also has a huge resentment toward any “hippy” ideas such as positive thinking, or positive and negative energy.

It’s mostly that he is incredibly negative in general rather than about himself. For example I lost my job recently and I wanted to be comforted, but his idea of comforting me is talking about how terrible it was, how horrible my employers were to me, etc. When I applied for this new job I really wanted, it was you’ll probably have to work weekends, you won’t be paid much etc. He thinks he is preparing me for the worst. I have started not to tell him about these events or act like they’re unimportant to me because I feel like he’s “poisoning” them, and my attempts to remain positive. It’s hard to describe why it takes so much out of me but it does.

I guess ultimately I want him to change for me. I don’t know whether it’s a case of he doesn’t want to change or doesn’t think he can – it’s a bit of both I guess. Just wanted to share my story really! Thanks for the post.

There may be an other option and that is to sit down and ask each other what you really, really want together. Start at the end and then work back. Try and get him to a point where he understands that to achieve whatever it is, the best starting point is belief and belief has to come out of thinking positively. Just an idea.

Laurie’s story hit a nerve with me as I am going through the same thing. My partner does tend to talk negatively about himself – this also leads to him feeling frustrated and sometimes means he becomes very angry over small or insignificant things.

I want him to change – but more importantly, I want HIM to want to change.

I have been struggling with questions about whether I have the right to ask anyone to change their behaviour, and my take on it for now is :
I do believe I have the right to mention a problem to my partner;
if he asks for any suggestions from me – then yes, I could probably come up with a few -
but fundamentally it must be up to him to change only if he wants to.

The sad thing is that I suspect to him it will seem like an ultimatum “Change your behaviour or else you’ll lose me” – and I know people never react well to such forced choices!

Anyway – plenty more blog posts to enjoy reading on here & (I hope!) some thought-provoking stuff for me…

For example, I can only take so much whingeing before it starts to grate, I won’t have a bar of generalised negativity like: ‘That’s what’s wrong with the world these days . . . ,’ I won’t have any meddling with my autonomy, and I won’t have any negative self-talk unless it’s intended to be part of a coping or healing process. They can say and do what they like with other people, and in many cases I hope they don’t lose personality traits I know they feel proud of but that aren’t comfortable for me.

This does mean that not even the insitution of marriage is more important than my sovereignty, and this may not work for Laurie. I have had some friends for whom ‘the rules’ went too much against the grain and we found it easier not to see each other anymore, but others who understand what I am demanding and get how the system works. So, in a way, they get what it’s like to stay away from the self-deprecation. And they get to watch someone acting as though she values herself.

I guess you could try and broker a peace initiative between them, but you need their buy-in for any good to come of it. Sorry I can’t be of more help and best of luck with it.

So, who knows…i’ll continue to let them make snide remarks to each other because it just isn’t worth the effort.

How to control the drama….

hey – Thanks for the great blog – just found you today and I’m glad I did.

Marie

One is a “glass half full” kind of guy and I’m ok with that. I remain positive and upbeat and he doesn’t bother me. The other has a weird/dry sense of humor and is always “negative” about the other guy being negative. Mr. Glass half full, just kind of makes comments here and there, not doing it all day just every once in a while. Mr. Superior – well, follows each comment with a “I’m better than you are for saying that” comment.

What gives? Any suggestions for me? Currently I just let them bicker back and forth – but if I could stop it, life would be greater that is already is.