I have had two interesting conversation recently with Life Coaching clients about confidence. Both people claimed to lack confidence in certain areas of their life and needed me to give them some more.
Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, but unfortunately the extreme weather has shut down the confidence factory and my shipments are on back order.
I scratched my head in desperation unsure of what to do, when all of a sudden a thought came to me out of the blue. What if both clients already had lots of confidence, but had merely misplaced it?
I used to go rock climbing when I was in my twenties. I was never any good at it, but I enjoyed it nevertheless. On the occasions I foolishly agreed to follow my friend, Shep, up a route that was way over my head I would invariably end up being dragged up the final few feet.
When I got to the top humiliated and exhausted I would flop to the floor to try and regain my breath and composure as he laughed his ass off at the quivering wreck lying at his feet.
As I recovered I would become aware how solid my normally flabby arms were. The muscles that normally resembled Monty Burns after a severe bout of flu were actually rock hard.
In climbing vernacular, I was pumped dude!
The reason being, my body had concluded I was out of my rock climbing depth and was doing everything in its power to help me out. Thus, it was hurling as much blood to my muscles as it could spare in a vain attempt to make up the huge deficit in my strength and ability.
It was usually in vain (pun intended) because I simply wasn’t strong enough and no amount of oxygen enriched blood or adrenaline would alter that fact.
A few weeks ago when I announced I was looking to work with another Life Coach and exchange services I had a number of responses. One of them came from Karl Staib and this is part of the e-mail he sent me:
“I would like to offer you a coaching swap. I’m not certified and I know this is a pet peeve of yours, but I’m good at what I do. I’ve worked with many coaches and have been coaching people for over a year.”
He’s right, uncertified Life Coaches are a pet peeve of mine.
The industry is struggling for credibility and I have spoken and worked with too many people that had previously hired Life Coaches that were incompetent, sometimes dangerously so.
So you may be confused to hear I chose Karl to work with and he was the only person who contacted me who hadn’t undergone formal training.
How hypercritical is that, eh?
Well not really, because unlike a lot of people that hire a Life Coach, I knew what I was looking for and Karl fitted my bill.
When we were going through our first session I was asking him what he most wanted to get out of the process and he responded, and I’m paraphrasing because I can’t remember the exact words:
“I want more confidence in what I do”
“Holy shit are you kidding me? Seriously? You e-mailed a Life Coach who regularly rants about unqualified Life Coaches to tell him you could coach him. And then you try and tell me you need more confidence. Seriously?”
He got the message.
Karl doesn’t need any more confidence, he’s jam packed with it. It’s standing room only on the confidence train running through Karl’s head. He, like most of us, just sometimes forgets that.
I wish I could tell you in detail about the other person, but unfortunately client confidentiality means I can’t, but I’ll say this. He or she holds a world record at a dangerous endurance sport and the conversation was eerily similar.
We all have confidence at our disposal, it’s just that sometimes we can tap into it more easily than others. Our skill set, mood, belief system, physical well-being and all sorts of external factors can influence our confidence levels either positively or negatively.
Confidence isn’t a mechanical cause and effect process.
When I was rock climbing I didn’t have to tell my body I needed some extra blood because it sensed what was going on and did the job for me.
Confidence is a bit more complex than that. You may need a bit of manual intervention to kick things off from time to time when. Especially when you are venturing out your cosy comfort zone for the first time and Mr Flight and Mrs Fight are waiting to greet you.
So the answer to the original question is you can’t get more confidence, you have all you need.
That may seem like a bit of a cop out, but it really isn’t.
The starting point with tapping into your confidence is the belief that it’s in there to begin with, and trust me, it is.
Admittedly it’s great at hiding on occasions when we attempt new things, but it never leaves us, it just refuses to come out to play.
And the fact that some think it’s not even there means they don’t look for it and thus it remains hidden.
Tim,
Spot on. All the confidence you need to get moving is already there. You are born with it, and experiences bring it out in its various forms.
I recently was asked my definition of confidence. I scratched and blurted, “belief in ability”. I like it, so I’m sticking with it. I own my beliefs, how I proceed is up to me. Thus my confidence.
Awaiting the book.
And looks who’s guest post it has linked to underneath. I just re-read it and checked the links are still good.
Excellent stuff from you too mate.
Everybody else check out the link to Mike’s ‘The Skinny On Real Confidence’
I concur wholeheartedly, it’s an excellent post, I’ve just read it. It reminded me of The Krypton Factor – did you get that show in the States? Tim, do you remember the flight simulator challenge from UK TV when you lived here? Most contestants crashed horribly, causing much schadenfreude.
Nah mate they never had Gordan TKF. Many a time I have lamented not beinga ble to say, Jeez this is worse than the Krypton Factor.
I think confidence is always contextual. I’m confident in my writing ability, but not my dancing ability.
The problem isn’t lack of confidence, but building false expectations or a skewed evaluation of our abilities.
A person can have the ability to be a great life coach, but not have any confidence in his abilities, simply because he lacks experience or hasn’t been recognized for his abilities.
In many cases we don’t need to gain confidence, but drop the expectations and illusions weighing us down.
Haider I really relate to what you just said. A lot of the time I find that when I’m struggling to find confidence it’s because:
I feel like if I can’t be the best, I am awful.
I feel lost without feedback.
A challenge that I’m setting for myself is to make peace with not getting feedback for every thing I do before making the decision to continue or not. It’s been difficult for me in the past to be okay with proceeding without others giving me an explicit “thumbs up” to go ahead.
There’s always feedback. It may be not from other people, but it’s impossible to do anything without getting any feedback whatsoever, even if it is very subtle and tricky to spot.
You know, I think you’re right. I think I’ll revise that to say something like “a lack of trust in my own ability to interpret feedback, thus a desire to have other people confirm it for me (and then not trusting them because they *have* to like me!)”
I’m getting better though! So don’t come at me with your life coach stick! I’m now confident enough to be successful, neurotic enough to still be funny and endearing. :-p
Tracy, I have the same dependency on feedback that you do. I often question my writing abilities simply because I haven’t received many comments on a post I wrote, or it hasn’t been retweeted as much as I hoped for.
And if it hasn’t received the recognition I believe it deserves, then I question its value, rather than work on promoting it.
I usually remind myself that people are terrible at giving feedback. I once met a person who said my blog has changed his life, but he had never left me a comment.
So feedback isn’t usually a good measure. :)
Haider I say this with all due respect mate because we’re friends.
You’re wrong.
Confidence is contextual because we think it’s contextual. Take my friend Shep. He was crap at Squash. We used to play every week and he hardly ever beat me or Nick the other gut that was in our group. But EVERY time he played he’d think he was going to win.
That didn’t make him win, but it improved the likelihood.
Tim, the example I had in mind when thinking of confidence is the reality show “Beauty and the Geek”, and how the contestants exhibited confidence based on whether the task fit with their core competency or not (i.e. whether they were related to being a beauty, or a geek).
But confidence – as an attitude we approach life’s challenges with – isn’t contextual. I didn’t think of it this way!
And as for Shep, there’s a thin line between confidence and self-delusion. :P
I actually don’t know that program, but I do agree about it being a fine line, you only have to watch American Idol to grasp that!
The confidence that our coach has in us that we have confidence? Worth it’s weight in gold. (And with the confidence in the dollar, maybe that’s better than taking cash these days.)
So I send the invoice where then? ;-)
Uh, yeah, any fool whose seen the Wizard of Oz should have known this.
Although to be fair, I guess we see all sorts of things happen in movies that don’t translate into real life so I guess it makes sense that people don’t really think that the cowardly Lion’s success story could apply to them.
I’m learning that the best way I can help my kids get confidence in trying new things is to talk to them about their prior successes and failures. It works much better than just a vague “You are AWESOME! You can DO IT!”
Love this! “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.” :) (It’s fresh on my mind because I introduced my kids to The Wizard of Oz while we were snowed in. :)
Ha! Now I’m picturing Tim in his very best sequined evening gown belting out Believe in Yourself from The Wiz (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdwlXZ4TQ6A)
That would be so awesome. How can we convince him to do it?
A shiny new penny should do the trick.
Yeh the whole “Let’s give everybody an award for turning up” approach is of dubious value imho.
As human beings we have an innate curiosity and desire to understand ‘why?’
If we do what you’re doing which is show kids and explain why they succeeded or didn’t do as well as they wanted, then we vastly increase the chances that we’ll neither smash their confidence levels or raise them to the point of cocky arrogance.
I don’t want to ‘big up’ my friend Shep as he doesn’t need any bigging up. But he did a phenomenal job bringing his two kids up.
Quite frankly I thought he was out of his mind the way he would talk to them and explain stuff like they were adults when they were young.
He was right and I was very wrong. Good job I didn’t have kids!
Tim, you’re right on, my friend. All we need to do is remember the countless times we’ve gotten things RIGHT. I’m not a certified life coach either but have been a pastor for 10 years, which gives me some counseling credibility, I suppose. I admit, it’s easy for me to bring out confidence in others – I’m trained to see the best in people and I truly love watching people get the results they’re after. But it’s another thing entirely to remember that confidence yourself. I have struggled with this in my life.
Thankfully, I stumbled onto some NLP techniques in the not-too-distant past that have helped me to recall times of success in my mind that can help me achieve the states of mind I need.
The thing is Bryan, I have absolutely NO doubt there are excellent coaches that have never had a days training in their lives. I just think training improves the chances that a coach will be good at what they do.
I wouldn’t have picked Karl if I thought he was a bumbling idiot and I agree that 10 years of face to face contact like you’ve had probably beats a 3 day training course ;-)
It sounds like a catch-22.
I may have misread what you’re saying (see, that’s an example of not being confident in my interpretation ;), and coupled with my own experiences, it’s sometimes hard to step up to the plate not being sure how you’d do. And then, when you do step up to the plate, and do decently, you gain more confidence (or increase your belief that you do have the necessary confidence), allowing you to step up again, do better, etc.
It’s catch 22 because people think it’s catch 22. People they need to do something before they can be confident at it.
Check out the comment up above where I talk about my squash playing friend.
Confidence doesn’t mean you will be brilliant at something first time, but it does increase the likelihood and it also means you wont avoid things through lack of confidence.
With confidence you have to remember that it doesn’t mean you won’t run into obstacles, but that you have the equipment to learn how to overcome them.
Great story Tim.
“He’s right, uncertified Life Coaches are a pet peeve of mine.”
“Certified Life Coaches” are actually a pet peeve of mine.
“With confidence you have to remember that it doesn’t mean you won’t run into obstacles, but that you have the equipment to learn how to overcome them.”
Exactly!
I love this blog post, and I’m going to send it to -my- clients, Tim. Not only is the post chock full of value, but the comments are likewise.
Oh, and I’m with you on that pet peeve, makes me crazy.
Please let me know where and when I might get a copy of your book. My new book “The Little Book of Confidence” published by Our Little Books is due out any day now (could I be any more excited? I think not). I’d love to help you promote your book, if I can.
If I can be of any service to you, it would be my delight. Part of my pleasure lies in connecting with people on the same path as me. We are natural allies.
Best regards,
Molly
———————–
Molly Burke, CPCC MSU
Queen of Confidence
http://www.queenofconfidence.com
visit me on Facebook: Molly Burke, Queen of Confidence
“The Little Book of Confidence”
If you mean How To be Rich and happy Molly, you can get it at http://www.HowToBeRichandHappy.com
Thanks for the offer and best of luck with your launch.
Interesting post & discussion, cheers! I totally agree Tim. At times I have sky-high confidence, at others I have virtually none. A close friend recently told me that my intermittent lack of self-belief is my only real problem. (I guess I’m pretty lucky really!).
As you say, Tim, I’ve learned that confidence is not contextual. It’s totally in my own head.
Derren Brown put it quite well in his book, he said (something along the lines of), “Confidence is an illusion. If you tell yourself you have it, then you have it”
You probably cover this technique in one of your links above, but one of my favourite methods for boosting confidence is to act “as if” I was super confident, particularly if I’m nervous about an impending social event. I imagine how I would think, feel, talk and behave if I had limitless confidence. Not only does this make me feel more confident, it’s fun doing a bit of acting too! I guess this is probably a form of what you’d call “pre-framing”.
In case anyone’s wondering, I don’t try to act as if I’m someone else. I think that’d just lead to a horrible feeling of falseness. In my mind I’m still myself, just a turbo-charged social God version of myself.
You know what, I’m honestly not sure if I ever have covered the Act As If Frame, at least not for a long time.
I agree it’s a cool thing to do, but it creates a lot of resistance with realistic people.
LOL, I can imagine!
I wonder if the “realistic” people have actually tried using anchoring or the Act As If frame. I may have been a little sceptical myself when I first heard of them. But I found that the proof’s in the pudding, you’ve just gotta be open-minded enough to give it a shot.
Confidence really is just a case of mind over matter.
With anchoring mate the proof is in the MIT research too! ;-)
Not sure what the point of this blog post was.. you didn’t even asked us readers a compelling question, so I’m gonna answer a question I pose to myself.. do we need a life coach? Many times we rely on a life coach to solve all our problems, but the thing is noone knows what it’s like to live a lifetime in our shoes. Noone knows our life story as well as us. Noone knows our personality and needs and desires better than us. To expect a life coach to turn our life around is asking a lot, imo.
Not totally sure if you are being serious or not, but maybe I didn’t explain clearly and I’m happy to have another go.
Confidence is, linguistically speaking, a nominalization. IOW there is no ‘thing’ called confidence and as such we can not acquire more of it.
What we have is already inside us, we just need to tap into it.
As for your question:
You seem to be taking the weight of the human race on your shoulders by saying ‘we’ Who is we? Do you mean you?
If so, that’s a valid point because every person is unique. Even if you do go on to contradict yourself by declaring that “Many times we rely on a life coach to solve all our problems”
If a Life Coach solves your problems, what’s your particular problem?
Not that that’s what a Life Coach does anyway. Because the client always solves their own issues and a good Life Coach will just help facilitate the change by asking the right questions.
So what was your point again, I’m really not sure?
What amazes me is that some people have saved people from burning buildings, they’ve stopped robbers dead in their tracks, and yet they’re too afraid to stand in front of 100 people and give a speech on how they did it.
I’ve acted onstage in theatre in front of 600 people, and it didn’t faze me. But put me in front of a burning building, and my legs would turn to jelly. Confidence is unique to each person, there are no two identical levels of confidence.
What’s more, the things that seem scary are not scary in themselves. A burning building can be tackled by some but not others. Appearing in front of others can be tackled by some but not others. It all depends on our own experiences and perceptions.
The one thing, though, that EVERYONE is afraid of, is their mother-in-laws. Without question.
LOL! My mother-in-law is awesome!
Jeez, are you on drugs or what Rob? Or was your MIL stood behind you as you typed?
I’m not sure acts of bravery like you mention are really connected with confidence. That’s a lot more hard wired and primordial than that and the behavior is driven from a different area of the brain than confidence comes from.
If you asked those people to plan to storm a burning building, trust me they’d neither be confident in their ability to do it, or be willing to volunteer.
Fair point Sir. I must watch out for people who plan on storming burning buildings then ;-)
Great post! I like when someone breaks the mold a bit with the ideas they post. Excellent. :)
Thanks Dante.
I think you’ll find I was actually a squash genius, i just had bad luck in several games.:) You’re right on the confidence thing though, i do think i’m always going to win at whatever i do be it squash or whatever and strangely i don’t feel too disappointed when I don’t.
I think your right Shep, I remember those 378 games where the ball just seemed to be acting really weird.
Fortunately for you it did behave twice, so there is that!
I think confidence and learning is sometimes displaced – sometimes you know how to do something and then suddenly don’t and have to relearn – when you relearn you remember that you knew it before.
Sometimes (not always) this is because of the context – i.e. say you learnt x at school and then you encounter a similar problem in work you don’t transfer the knowledge.
I think that’s probably true.
So true sometimes confidence is hard to obtain because of
pressure in life.
great post..thanks for sharing.
You’re welcome, thanks for dropping by!
Never thought that I might already had confidence. Thanks.