“But I’m her mother it’s my duty to worry about her”
‘Really? Was there a contract that you signed in blood or dare I say it amniotic fluid, whilst giving birth to her?”
Thus went a conversation I had with the mother of a client recently. I’d just made the fatal error of telling her there was no need to worry because her daughter was doing fine. Unsurprisingly she didn’t reply by saying “Well thank heavens for that, why didn’t you tell me before? What a fool I’ve been. I’ll stop worrying this instant and get on with my life with a spring in my step and a smile on my lips. Good day to you kind sir!”
No, what actually transpired was 5 minutes of her vehemently defending her right, to worry about anything she wished to worry about. I’m no expert on the US Constitution, but I was almost expecting her to announce there had been a 28th Amendment slipped in along with the financial rescue package recently that read:
“It is the right and the obligation of every parent to incessantly worry about the future of their children. They must always put their children first even when this harms both themselves and the development of the child concerned.
Worrying about a college education must start before the age of 4 years old and continue until all schooling has been completed. When not worrying about their education, parents must rotate worrying about their kid’s health, the suitability of their friends, the likelihood of Space Cows falling on their heads and whether or not they may be gay or have liberal tendencies, or heaven forbid, both!
Failure to carry out this amendment will result in nothing much at all other than some strange looks from other parents that have embraced this approach like a load of drunken lemmings signing up for base jumping classes. However, success in carrying out this dictum to the letter will probably result in misery, sleepless nights, unhappiness, wasted opportunities and ill health.”
That lovable old rogue Wayne Dyer summed up worrying brilliantly when he said (and I paraphrase) “You can worry about things you can control and you can worry about things that are out of your control. If they are in your control, why worry about them, just do something. If you can’t influence them, why worry about them because nothing you do will have any effect?
Profound stuff I think you’ll agree and if you don’t agree, you’re wrong because Wayney knows his onions and I strongly suspect, his shallots, leeks and various types of garlic too.
Most people justify their chronic worrying be declaring it’s a call to action. Yet most of the time they don’t even heed that call when they get it. They just sit around fretting and thinking that any minute now they’ll get off their ass and do something. Alas their ass usually stays where it is and the cycle of worrying and negative thoughts continues unabated.
To date you have dealt with every minor and major issue that has arisen in your life. EVERY single one. That’s why you’re here reading this blog. You’re a survivor and have avoided every big fish that wanted to gobble you up, and as such, deserve a hearty pat on the back. Well done you! If you died whilst reading that last sentence, please accept my condolences. I apologize for my lack of tact and I hope you had a good innings.
Many people think that worrying is a necessary part of life, even an inherent part of life. Clients often say things to me like “I’m just a born worrier, I can’t help it” or “Sometimes I worry that I have forgotten what I should be worrying about (honestly I have heard that not once, but twice!). Of course, the former is simply not true. NOBODY is a born worrier. I accept some people may inherit more of a tendency to worry, but you can unlearn tendencies if you want to badly enough.
Whereas we don’t need to worry and make ourselves ill, we do need to show concern about certain situations and act accordingly. If you find a lump where there shouldn’t be a lump you have two choices. You can demonstrate your concern and desire to make sure everything is ok by making an appointment to see a doctor. Alternatively, you can sit and fret about it and do nothing and hope it goes away.
That little rascal Nature has a habit of playing cruel tricks on us, because the double whammy with illness is that worrying actually increases the chances that you’ll not be able to fight off the condition. Or at the very best you’ll take longer to do so.
Worrying and anxiety reduce the body’s ability to deal with illness dramatically. People who say “I’m worried sick about my kids” are often not exaggerating. The really sad part though is they don’t know it at the time. They think they’re just using a throw away line no different to saying “I was scared to death” or “I’m dog tired” What actually happens is that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy and they actually do worry themselves sick. Note: It is unlikely that you will turn into a dog using language like that, but let’s not rule anything out.
It may only mean they pick up the occasional cold that they’d otherwise have shaken off, but equally it can mean they become an early and unnecessary stroke or heart attack victim. Before you start worrying that you’re going to worry yourself into having a stroke, there’s an alternative and you can do something proactive.
As with most of this self-development malarkey, you have to believe in your ability to change. Without self-belief things will stay pretty much as they are. To start with, you’re probably not even going to try and change because you think I’m posting out of my ass again. Secondly, at an unconscious level you’re going to be fighting the process all the way because deep down you ‘know’ you’re not being realistic.
I understand that simply telling a worrywart to stop worrying is pointless. It’s about as likely to succeed as telling a manic-depressive to cheer up, a sever procrastinator to “just do it” or Sarah Palin to stop grinning inanely. If you’re a worrier you need to know HOW to stop worrying and I’m the man to tell you…next time.
I haven’t written the follow up to this post yet, so I’d love to get some real life examples in the comments of stuff you worry about and the justification behind that. In the meantime go and download my free e-book on stress because I am going to start charging for this very soon.
In the meantime, watch the video below and curse the day I was born as you try unsuccessfully to get the damn tune out of your head for the next week and a half.
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjnvSQuv-H4
Hi Tim,
Very important points and well made. My parents are chronic worriers. My dad would worry so much he would become angry about it, and then he’d be angry with you. He’d be so “worried” about you, he’d become capable of almost anything. My mum would worry so much about so many things she would act out obsessive compulsive hand washing so much the skin on her hands would crack and bleed when she moved her fingers. Much of this was, of course, to my “benefit”.
These days, I don’t talk to my parents any more. I do my best not to worry, but I don’t always succeed, especially when combatting those special seeds of worry and doubt they planted just for me. Their collective worry has been of so much benefit its probably taken years off of all our lives, has destroyed the joy we might have shared as a family, has cost one of my previous medical insurance companies hundreds of pounds in therapy bills and has lead to a great deal of unhappiness.
Parents; don’t kid yourselves. Worry doesn’t benefit anyone.
Hi Tim. I just downloaded your ebook. Thank you.
Worrying is SUCH a hard thing NOT to do! And thinking positive thoughts seems to be a hard thing TO DO. A body sure has to be on their toes all the time to catch those thoughts.
My biggest worry right now is supporting myself financially. Starting a new business always takes time but my fear is that I will run out of money before things get rolling. This time is a a bit different though because I’ve found what motivates me. I’m balancing that fear/worry with trust that the energy I’m putting out will attract the business that is aligned with my purpose.
But just the same, a little prayer can’t hurt either :-)
Davinas last blog post..25 Words That Connect Us — Frosty Sunrise
A real-life example: my parents. They worry about EVERYTHING, from getting cancer to being laid off to filling the gas tank on time (on time = when it’s still half full).
Sometimes I suspect they find worrying pleasurable.
Vered – MomGrinds last blog post..I Love The Seventies: Unisex Lace Pants
My mother in law is a horrible worrier. She calls us at night to make sure we are all home safe and tucked in. She said she worries if she doesn’t know. I told her it was a choice that she made to worry and we were big boys an girls and could take care of ourselves. It is really annoying.
Tim, what is the difference between worry and anxiety? I don’t feel like I ma a worrier but I can’t not get past having anxiety. I even take meds for it. Is hypnosis something to look into?
As a parent, I think that it is impossible not to be concerned over the development of our kids. However, I agree that worrying is really unnecessary. Nothing can change no matter how much worried we are. We can guide our kids along, but we cannot force them to lead the pretty lives that we have in our minds for them.
Evelyn Lims last blog post..Should The Poor Mexican Fisherman Give Up Contentment For Cash?
And worrying about your kids is such a vote of no confidence!
Hilarys last blog post..The art of doing practically nothing
Hey Tim! :)
Ok so you asked for an example.
One of the things I tend to worry about is college life. All about it. Paying for it, living it, “am I having the full experience”, will my grades rock, how will I fare on this test.. etc
But the the second part of your request was to justify why I worry so much
And honestly? I can’t think of one good reason other than “it’s what I do”
I suppose that somewhere along the way, I began to equate worrying with solving problems. Its not the same thing of course, but its the only explanation I have.
*frowns and goes somewhere to think about that*
JEMi | Tips for Life, Love, Yous last blog post..Beyond Recognition: Losing Yourself In a Relationship
Hi Tim,
My mother loves to worry and loves to complain. I found this really strange as a kid. I often wondered how many amazing things she would have achieved if she had spent one eighth of her worrying time on actually doing something.
If parents are spending time worrying about their kids tell them to have more. I have three under 6 years. Who has time to worry, I barely have enought time to act?
Enjoyed this post Tim. Thanks!
Jos last blog post..City to Bay Fun Run – Adelaide – Sept 21st 2008
@ Victoria – Thanks a lot for sharing that and demonstrating that worry is not only a wasted emotion, but a very damaging one too.
@ Davina – Actually worrying and thinking positive take exactly the same amount of work! Worrying is easier if that’s what you have learned to do, but ask a really positive person which they find easier. There is sense in being concerned and looking at all the facts and then using them to draw up a plan of action, but not to worry needlessly. Thanks for the comment.
@ Laurie – Anxiety tends to be more intense than worry. It will usually effect the breathing of the person and can be debilitating in some cases. Worrying just seems to sit there and nag away at the person often for years on end or even their entire lives.
@ Vered – You hit the nail on the head in some respects. They do find it pleasurable in so much as it’s their comfort zone and people like to stay in their comfort zone. I bet they can justify every single thing they worry about too. Just go with the flow.
@ Evelyn – Impossible? LOL – you just KNOW what I think of that, right ;-)
@ Hilary – What a brilliant point. I wish I’d said that to her mom!
@ JEMi – I was tempted to go in and edit your post so that it ended with *smiles and goes somewhere to think about that* The starting point is that pesky language ;-) Part 2 may help.
@ Jo – Fantastic, you just proved my point! It’s possible not to worry even when we were shown how to do it as a kid. Good for you!
I’ve always been the type to worry abut the future. I worry when life is going well and when it’s not. I started worrying at a young age for good reason, but have become way too comfortable in the habit. The strange thing is I am essentially an optimistic person, but I know from experience life can throw you a curve ball any time, so I’m always waiting for it. This probably sounds like a contradiction – an optimistic worry wart – but somehow it’s not. I always think things will turn out for the best and I’ll be fine; it’s the setbacks and losses on the way I worry about. Utterly pointless, but there you go.
I’m much better these days and am learning to cope with the fact that I can’t control everything. It’s a tricky one though because I feel much better when I am in control. Then I don’t worry so much at all.
Kelly
Kelly@SHE-POWERs last blog post..Sometimes Life Is Just More Fun Than Blogging
My mom is the ultimate what if-er and I always ask her, WHAT IF.. your belly button fell out? I just get a dirty look for that one…
I worry about money. I’ve always had money problems and it seems the LESS I worry about them, the bigger they get. My worrying seems to keep me from spending as much, but it is also stressing me out.
Melissas last blog post..Is It Really the Hormones Talking?
Although it’s sometimes difficult not to engage in, I find worrying one of those unproductive states.
It has no bearing on the outcome of a situation, yet it wreaks havoc on your system.
ZHerefords last blog post..What’s New ?
@ Kelly – Actually no, that isn’t a contradiction at all and surprisingly common. Not that I’m saying you’re common you understand ;-) In control of life? Now that’s what a call a contradiction!
@ Melissa – Have a financial plan that removes the need to worry. I know that sounds easier said than done and maybe it is, but it’s worth the initial effort.
@ Zorka – Precisely, that is the entire point. Worrying serves zero purpose and once we embrace that philosophy we can do something about it.
I love Dyer’s summation of worrying. We truly need to focus on what we can change and let go of all the other crap.
We’ve have so much greatness in our lives. If we learn to appreciate the green grass on our side of the fence we can open a world of happiness
Karl Staib – Work Happy Nows last blog post..How to Retire From the Grind and Not Get Bored
Let’s declare worrying and misery human rights.
People are quite willing to dedicate their lives to them!
OK that’s tongue is cheek – but I do think it is worth discussing openly why we spend so much time doing what we don’t want to do.
Thanks for a grea post.
Evans last blog post..They Are After Attention (and so are we)
Tim-
What would happen if we declared a National/International Worry Day? A day dedicated solely to worrying as much as you can. If we could look forward to that day, would we worry less all the other days leading up to it or immediately after it? Hmmmm?
Corey- Simple Marriage Projects last blog post..Biggificating Marriage: Baselining 101
I used to be a chronic worryier when I was a child and a pre-teen. I was also a control freak. I don’t have stats on this but I suspect there may be a corralation I “what if’d “everything to death. I remember sitting on the front steps waiting for my mom to come home at age 11 and worrying that she would get in a car accident and die. As the oldest, I sat there and planned out how to raise my siblings, get a job, make the payments on the house…..This was what all my worry life was like. Somewhere in my head the whole world was MY responsability.One day I said…I’m wasting too much time. IF it happens, I’ll figure it out then. That started to become a mantra. The thing is…it never happened.99% of the stuff I had been spending my emotions on NEVER happened.Journaling helped me to see the patterns. I’m not sure I would have figured it out if I hadn’t seen myself doing it on paper.
Wendi Kellys last blog post..Rainy Days and Mondays
Do you think we could get Sarah Palin to just stop period?
I’m amazed that you can write so well when posting out of your ass.
Well said and I love the Dyer quote.
I really think worrying was more prevalent in my parents generation. Perhaps they felt more fear all around.
@ Karl – Agreed and I love that about there actually being green grass on OUR side of the fence. Too many people hop over and then realize it was just a mirror they were looking in.
@ Evan – A bit of reverse psychology may help. If the Government told people they had to worry I’m sure people would be up in arms and refuse to do so!
@ Corey – Dagannabit! You have almost stolen part of my follow up. Watch this space, or more accurately another space ;-)
@ Wendi – Cool mantra! I think you’re 100% right that there is a very strong link between worrying and control.
@ Tom – I doubt it, but she has great comedic value I think you’ll agree. Not long until the American people decide. I’m not sure as I agree about worrying being more prevalent a generation ago, not sure I disagree either because I’ve never really stopped to think about it. It’s something worth pondering on a rainy afternoon.
Hi Tim,
Another great post.
People always tell me I worry too much. If someone leaves a negative comment on my work blog, I’ll worry about the following: I did a bad job, they have a negative perception of me, other people will then have a negative perception of me, my boss might get angry with me, and so on. It’s an immediate fear-response that unravels into a million mini-catastrophes.
It takes conscious effort to stop that dangerous mental cycle, and I have to do it all throughout my day. I think it goes back to my childhood when small mistakes equaled massive discomfort. Recognizing that helps me stop myself and ask the question, “What do I get from worrying?” I get an immediate sense of doing something–even if its just spinning mental wheels.
Just like you said, it’s wasted energy. Actions create change; I can only create positive change when I act from a place of power, not a place of fear.
Keep sending me your stuff!
Lori
Loris last blog post..Top 10 Stupid, Overpriced Things People Buy for Halloween
@ Lori – What a terrible comment! ;-) Seriously, it may seem like mental effort now, but if you stick with consciously thinking positively about situations will eventually be automatic and worrying will seem like hard work.
Work on your reframing http://www.adaringadventure.com/blog/wordpress/life-coaching/the-gloves-are-off/
Hey Tim,
I just read the other post. A couple thoughts come to mind:
Reframing:
I’ve actually been using this technique for the past 7 years without knowing the term. I started doing it when I read the quotation, “Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I respond.” After 7 years of consistent practice, my initial instinct is still worrying. However, I now ask myself the question, “How are you gonna respond?” more quickly. I look at it like this: it took me 22 years to ingrain that behavior. It may take a while to completely uproot it.
The gloves are off:
You hit the nail on the head with this line, “I like Craig because he tells it like it is. OR RATHER HE TELLS IT LIKE HE THINKS IT IS, WHICH IS ALL ANY OF US HAS THE POWER TO DO.” What makes self-help so challenging is that everyone speaks from our own experiences and what helps us. That’s why religious people become evangelists and motivational speakers spread their messages. I happen to subscribe to the “I can do anything” philosophy, because of this idiom: “Reach for the moon; even if you miss you’ll land among the stars.” Our dreams are not always attainable, but people who think that way often live very small lives. Which is perfectly fine if that’s what they want.
Can you tell I have a passion beyond top 10 lists about things? :)
Lori
Loris last blog post..Top 10 Stupid, Overpriced Things People Buy for Halloween
I think that worrying will become more prevalent the longer the economic recession lasts. And no I don’t think the extra worrying will be mainly from people who are struggling to make ends meet.
I believe the majority of the worrying will come from the people who already have a comfortable existence ie the people who will not be made broke or be in severe financial difficuly if the recession continues.
Now I have witten that I am not even sure what my point is. LOL Something along the lines of the more that a person perceives they could lose (not just money but anything) the more they worry.
Can someone else work out what I was trying to say?
Leanne Magraith | Forever Changes last blog post..A Story About a Major Business Restructure – Part 3
@ Lori – I agree with all of what you said other than the stars bit because they’re much further than the moon. If you miss the moon you’ll probably end up in Cleveland. But i get your gist ;-)
@ Leanne – I think you made your point perfectly. It is often people with the least to worry about that do it anyway, and you’re right about the whole perception thing.
I have struggled with anxiety my whole life and I am trying not to worry so much but my girls have had such difficulties with their mental health. It seems to be a daily battle to not get sucked into this worried state when so many of the people (the so-called professionals)around me keep acting urgently about everything. I grew up in a house full of urgency and I am trying to have some peace even when there are so many stresses. I have learned the hard way that the worrying is not productive, all it does is make me sick. It is very hard, though, when I am being pushed and hassled, to stand my ground and refuse to act urgently in a way that I know will not benefit my children and will only cause me more stress.
@ Karen – If you grew up in a house like that it’s understandable that you adopted that behavior, it’s what we do as kids.
My mom was a world class worrier and I modeled her and became the same. Then about 7 or 8 years ago I started to realize there was another way. I bombarded myself wioth personal development information and made a concerted effort to change the way I think about stuff. Th enet result is I have done that.
I still have times when I slip back and go all negative, but the difference now is I pick up on it really quickly and can change my respond. Of course sometimes I simply enjoy a good whine about stuff ;-)