Dealing With Criticism

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I often tell people (including myself) to treat criticism as feedback and never to take it personally.

What I talk less about other than to Life Coaching clients who get the good stuff because they pay me, is the strategies to deal with criticism and how use it to your advantage. So guess what? That’s what we’re going to do today. Whether it’s feedback from a failed job interview, a rebuke from your boss or a volley or abuse hurled at you by a drunk in the bar who claims you have a face that reminds him of his mother-in-law. After you read this, you’ll be able to deal with it all in your stride and with a smile on your face.

Probably the most important part of this is that you have to accept that criticism is NEVER personal. I don’t care what anybody says to you, they are only telling you about themselves and their worldview. They could say you that you look like a warthog chewing a pickled egg or that you possess the charm of a pair of monkeys in a poop throwing competition or even that you have the brains of a halibut that has just undergone a lobotomy. It doesn’t matter, it really doesn’t. The moment we take criticism as a personal attack is the moment we lose control of the situation and lose the ability to learn from it.
There’s a well-known story that you may well know, about an incident in which somebody aimed an insult at the Buddha. The Buddha responded to the insult by saying “If somebody gives you a gift and you don’t accept it, who does the gift belong to?” The other person said, “It belongs to the person who gave it.” The Buddha said, “I don’t accept your insult, so it returns to you.”

Accepting that insults or heavy-handed criticism aren’t personal doesn’t mean that you can’t learn from them though. It may be that you only learn more about the other person, but even that can be useful sometimes.

So let’s get down to it and look at the strategy in more detail.

Ask for feedback. If you don’t get a promotion, ask why. If you don’t get that publishing deal, ask why. If you don’t get that date, ask why. Often people wont offer feedback and without it, you are completely in the dark. The cardinal sin here, is to not ask for feedback and then concoct your own reasons why you didn’t get the outcome you wanted. You’ll probably get it wrong and make yourself miserable into the bargain.

Disassociate. When somebody starts to criticize you take a metaphoric step back. View the situation from the position of a 3rd person and observe as though you were watching a conversation between 2 people you don’t know.

Listen. Actively listen to what they say to you. Don’t start sifting for reasons why they are wrong at this point, just listen objectively and keep quiet.

Thank them. It doesn’t matter what they said, thank them anyway. Even if it’s an insult, thank them sincerely. It will make you feel better and probably confuse the hell out of anybody trying to hurt you.

Evaluate. Is this criticism or feedback relevant to you? Is it true? Does it give you valuable insights to do a better job next time? Remain detached from the situation and if in doubt ask other people whether they think it’s true.

Learn. Has it told you some great stuff about yourself that you can now work on? Or has it told you the person you thought was a friend, really isn’t? If you can learn it’s probably been worthwhile.

Move On. Put it behind you and do that the moment you have finished analyzing it. Don’t keep replaying it in your head ad infinitum and making yourself feel bad, there is zero value in that. Take the good stuff and use it and disregard the groundless insults.

That is all there is to it. Easy right? Of course it is, because life’s easy, only people complicate it. I’m sure that’s a quote from somebody but I just Googled it and can’t find it, so I apologize for not attributing it. If it’s not a famous quote, I’m claiming it because it should be!

Addendum: When my book was published last November, it hit the streets with a few typos and editing errors. They were MY fault and nobody else’s. I was down for a short time after I got the advanced copies. Then my wife reminded me that it was the message that was important and I now had the opportunity to make the second run even better. She was right and I learned an important lesson. You can’t buy experience but you can turn it away.