Life Coaches can often get the best results when they don’t shy away from challenging clients (in a non-confrontational way of course) and are prepared to ask questions that may seem plain silly on the surface.
An example: When a client tells me they don’t know the answer to a question such as, “What’s your biggest goal in life?” I will almost always reply with, “What if you did know?”
On the face of it that’s a stupid question because they just told me they don’t know, but as my first book was called “Don’t Ask Stupid Questions – There Are No Stupid Questions” I don’t care what it looks like on the surface, I only care about the second response.
What it actually does is to cut through the mental crap and give the client permission to dream. In other words it ignores the critical conscious mind and appeals to the unconscious.
Like any question, it won’t always work, but it works on enough occasions for me to know it’s worthwhile asking in such situations.
Another question that can get strange responses or even create uncomfortable silences is this:
“Could you stand in front of a mirror, look at yourself and say I love you and mean it in all seriousness?”
How many people do you think say, “yes”.
I’ve no idea how many times I’ve asked it and it’s not something I do on a daily basis by any means, but I can’t remember a single solitary client saying, “sure I could”.
What’s The Normal Response?
Discomfort, and often lots of it.
That may materialize as indignation, laughter or a melancholy tone to the response, but it’s discomfort nevertheless. But that’s ok because you cannot expand your comfort zone without feeling any discomfort as you poke your toe out into the unknown.
If you don’t get uncomfortable leaving your comfort zone then you haven’t really left it.
The discomfort is then usually followed up by rationalization.
- It’s silly
- It’s arrogant
- It doesn’t feel right
- It’s narcissistic
- Why would I want to?
Of course it’s none of the first four and the answer to the latter is because if you’re not worthy of your own love, who is?
If you want to get a clue as to what you think your self worth is try it out for yourself.
Don’t giggle, don’t make a joke of it, don’t be sarcastic and don’t rationalize it away, just do it.
Go on, I’m serious don’t just sit there do it right now.
What was the response you got?
I have heard everything from crippling guilt, and embarrassment to laughter and outright refusal to even attempt it.
If you think you can’t do it (and it is only a thought because you really can, only your own mind is stopping you), then that’s because deep down you don’t believe it, deep down you think you’re not worthy. I have some news for you.
You Are Worthy
As I said in my post The Two Secrets To A Happy Life, we’re all good enough. We’re all doing the best we can with the limited information and resources to hand.
Everybody fucks up from time to time, but that doesn’t mean everybody is a fuck up.
If this exercise causes you discomfort, good. That just tells me it’s worth you pushing through. And the great news is I’m going to help you push through the discomfort.
If self love is not a problem for you then thanks for reading thus far and you can be on your way. Unless that is you know somebody who you think could benefit from improving their self esteem, in which case forward it on!
Stand in front of the mirror with your eyes open and say “I love you” out loud.
Then listen carefully.
Listen to your inner voice. What’s it saying?
Is it mocking you? Is it sneering at you? Is it laughing its unconscious head off? Is it telling you to stop being ridiculous and that Life Coach guy is nuts?
Unless the answer is, “Of course you do dude/dudette and that’s because you’re so very lovable” I want you to respond by saying to the inner voice:
“Thank you”
And then you say “I love you” again and listen to the response.
It may be well the same, so thank the voice again.
That voice is part of you and that voice thinks it’s helping you.
It doesn’t want you to turn into an arrogant ass or get too big for your boots and this is the only way (at the moment) it knows how to protect against that.
As I said above, we’re all doing the best we can with the information and resources to hand and that is all your inner voice is doing. It doesn’t realize there are other options because it’s always done it this way.
You cannot beat that voice down be telling it to stop being ridiculous you will only strengthen it*
You have to genuinely thank it for trying to help.
Eventually if you persist the voice will get softer and softer and you can say “I love you” with less resistance and you’ll feel better about the most important person in the world, you.
If you are feeling really ballsy you could even leave a comment telling me you love yourself because we need to destroy this asinine belief that self love is the same as being conceited.
*The same goes for situations such as public speaking or asking for a raise at work. if you get nervous and the voice inside your head starts chirping away do NOT tell it to stop being ridiculous because it will rebel even more.
Holiday Life Coaching Offer About To Close
A huge thanks to all of you that contacted me regarding my holiday Life Coaching specials.
The 90 minutes values sessions have sold out and I am going to close the ‘get me for a year at what you think I’m worth (or afford)” offer on Friday 14th at 6.00pm EST.
As of now I have had 6 offers and if I don’t get any more will choose to work with one of those good people.
If you want to throw your hat into the ring, check out what I’m talking about by reading this post.
Great post… I Love me some Karen Yvonne!!!! I love me so much!!!!!!!
:-)
feel so much better now!
Thanks
Good for you Karen and I love me too ;-)
Hi Tim, Actually that IS a great exercise. I also notice that it’s easier to do when looking just at part of your face (say, in the rear view mirror) than it is looking at your whole body or your upper half in the bathroom. I did this earlier this year (without the I Love You part, which I will now have to do and report back to you) and noticed at first what a hard time I had looking myself directly in the eye, period. My readers reported a lot of the same difficulty.
Interesting and I think it’ll vary from person to person, but anyway people can segue into this bit by bit is brilliant.
Great post, nice exercise, love it, especially the part where you suggest to thank the inner voice that may make you feel weird about telling yourself you love you.
Has me thinking about Brené Brown’s amazing work. She stresses out that to live “wholeheartedly” we should never ever question our worthiness of love and belonging. It amazes me how a good relationship to ourselves can have as a positive impact on our presence in this world.
“It amazes me how a good relationship to ourselves can have as a positive impact on our presence in this world.”
I agree, yet so many people don’t get this and I’m not completely sure why.
Maybe the Golden Rule should be expanded to “Treat others and yourself as you would want others to treat you”?
Thanx for a new concept! I never thought about actually talking to my inner voice.
Well it’s talking to you so you may as well talk back and get a bit of dialogue going ;-)
Tim, this just might be my favorite post of yours ever. This is an exercise I have done many times over the years, and while it has gotten much easier (the first time, I could NOT do it without mocking/rolling my eyes), there’s still always a little discomfort at first. And now when I do it, I can see beyond “the personal me” right into the middle of who I’m REALLY talking to. It’s a great feeling. I haven’t done it in a while, so thank you for the reminder.
Have you read “Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It” by Kamal Ravikant? It’s a short little read that is by far the best thing I’ve ever read on this subject.
Great, great post. Sharing with many people!
No I’ve never even heard of that Lynn, it can go to #71 in my list of books to read ;-)
Thanks for sharing.
I know the feeling! Books are overtaking my house, yet I still keep ordering more. I need a support group or something.
And I see that you and Sandi Amorim are on the same wavelength today — just read a most excellent post over at Deva Coaching about ways to deal with the inner critic. Your blogs always complement each other so well!
And what have I done today?
Only gone and ordered a new book. It is an audio book though so that does increase my likelihood of getting through it by about 1000%.
It’s this sucker http://wld.mn/12b2g8F
Sounds a bit like Buddha’s Brain so curious to check it out.
As far as addictions, go, bookaholism is relatively benign, I guess :)
It looks interesting!
It’s expensive!
Great commonsense and practicality as usual. Thanks Tim.
be good to yourself
David
Cheers mate!
Thanks for this Tim. Kamal Ravikant got me started on this with his “Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It”.
I have found it works even better if, instead of saying it to your reflection, make your reflection say it to You. This makes it infinitely more satisfying.
Great post – Thanks again.
Interesting idea, thanks for sharing Rakesh
Good post Tim. I have had a problem asking myself that question lately. This really put it in perspective for me.
Thanks Tim.
I can say it only because I have worked at it already. And even if you do it every day and get used to it, there are still times it feels funny. Old habits (ways of thinking) die hard.
As always, great post.
That’s true Shaya, old patterns rarely go away completely, they just lose their power.
Paul McKenna has some similar exercises which I love in his book “Change Your Life in 7 Days”. One exercise is very similar to the mirror one you describe. Another involves putting yourself in the shoes of someone who really loves you and feeling that love for yourself. Cool stuff.
I’m going to make a real effort to start doing some of these great exercises every day (OK, most days). They make such a tremendous difference to all aspects of our lives.
I am going to share this blog with a few of my friends as well as practicing myself.
I love me :0)
I occasionally remind my friend who has a daughter to treat herself as she would treat her daughter. This applies to loving herself as well as nurturing and feeling compassion,m empathy and forgiveness. I don’t have children, but I still use this technique on myself. Would I want this for my daughter? If the answer is “No”, I know it’s not good enough for me either. Nice post!
I love myself