Its from the Harvard Business School Press and was produced in 2004. I goes into all the pre-cursors of a conversation and points out the many ways to read the person with whom you are havain an exchange of words…(a little humor there). Anyway the book points out in many of the first 30 pages which is how far I made it in under an hour how many body language triggers are present and how they can be interpretted differently. This applies directly to conflict situations. Well Tim, your little write up gave me the kick I needed to check out more information on communicating with others. Heaven knows my life and those around me could certainly benefit from me taking stock before opening my mouth in what is not always an IDEAL time. I’ll keep you posted on my progress.

Yeah, but they made so many cool “BLACK BELT” Magazine covers!!!

Mike

@ nudgeme – I think here though when road rage does kick in it’s a bit more than being given the finger, it involves armor piercing bullets!

@ Celes – Thanks a lot. On reflection I’m not really sure if I was thinking of the positive intent, more along the lines of “Wow this guy must be having a terrible day!” But you’re right, there is always a positive intent behind such behavior.

@ Wade – Glad it helped. I Agree there’s seldom if ever a need for criticism unless it is delivered in a thoughtful and constructive way, but I’m afraid life is seldom ideal.

I see two things when I encounter a person who must resort to this behavior. One is suffering, the second is fear. Suffering causes the outbursts to try and get people to share the internal pain that they are feeling. Fear is a byproduct of lack of control of a situation, or a failure to predict an outcome.

Recognizing those two traits in the person that is blasting away at your heritage, manhood, or profession makes it easier to do just as Tim has suggested. It reconnects you to the human that is behind the squawking butthole, and it allows you to better weather the storm.

Remaining at the center of the hurricane is the challenge we all face. We get sucked out into the rain bands, and we must re-center ourselves. Empathy can help us deal with both conditions that our assailants are suffering from. Presence is another. I think Tim put up a cool meditation CD from Bodhipaksa before, and I thoroughly enjoy that to work on finding and keeping my center.

I work with people on conflict of a violent nature quite a bit, and deal with some real outbursts from people when their airport experiences aren’t quite up to their expectations. I use a simple process to cope better.

My quick and dirty conflict toolbox:
1. I introduce myself if I have not met the person already.
(gives me a name to go with %$*#&@)
2. I assume a non violent posture, to enable them to continue their rant without heightening their possible fear. I am usually in uniform, and only get the exasperated individual griping at me for the most part.
3. I maintain eye contact and try to paraphrase the complaint, grievance, or plea.
4. I try to get the context of their position with some questions.
5. I present options, or a resolution suggestion, or disengage.
6. I prepare myself for the worst situations(physical), so I can remain human, without fear, and calm while I deal with someone elses emotional flashover.
7. I am always prepared to say I’m sorry if I have aggravated a situation, or caused it all together. I try to pre-program myself to be that guy who gives the two handed “my bad” for being the bonehead in traffic, or hosing up something for someone else.

Great post Tim!!!

Where I pull out of my subdivision it is a 2 lane highway. I have NEVER had anybody pull into the outside lane so I can pull out. I also regularly get people in the inside lane turn in at the last minute without indicating whereas if they had done I could have got out.

I think it’s just the way people are taught to drive. It took me 6 months to learn in the UK and road courtesy was a major part of it. Over here my driving test took less than 5 minutes and I never left the parking lot, and no, I’m not joking although I thought the examiner was!

Having said all that, people seem a lot more tolerant of bad driving here, I can’t remember seeing anybody give me the finger!