The following post started off life as an introduction to a Life Coach case study. However, as is my tendency I got sidetracked and rambled on and on and ended up with a post in its own right.
So, if you want to know what the client in question told me recently that truly had me open-mouthed in disbelief, speechless with admiration and then begging her to let me write about, I’ll tell you next time.
I think most people that come to me for Life Coaching are amazing. I know that sounds like gold plated premium grade bullshit and a way of sucking up to people that pay good money for Life Coaching them, but it isn’t, well not completely anyway.
It’s because anybody that’s prepared to ask for help has my utmost respect.
We’re taught (albeit tacitly) from a fairly early age to work things out for ourselves and that asking for assistance in all it’s many guises, is a sign of weakness and stupidity.
Think of a classroom full of kids in the 3rd grade who are learning basic math (I have no idea if 3rd grade kids even do basic math, but just humor me). What do you think would happen if the teacher tells them to do something they have no clue how to do?
That’s right, a host of hands would go up and they’d be asking questions and telling the teacher they didn’t know how to do it. There may be a few tantrums and tears, but nobody would be worried about looking foolish for asking.
Fast forward 10 years and the response would be totally different. This time the students would presume they were dumb and that everybody else knew how to do the work because nobody was saying a thing.
So they’d bat on regardless of the fact they were completely in the dark. Maybe they’d whisper to a buddy for help, but that’s about as far as most people would go. They wouldn’t want to look foolish by standing out from the crowd and admitting they didn’t know what the hell was going on.
The fear of failure is a strong emotion.
The fear of failure in front of colleagues or peers is exponentially stronger.
Nobody worries about giving a speech to themselves in the bathroom mirror and not being word perfect. Nobody cares what their singing sounds like when they’re in the shower and nobody is there to listen. And nobody worries about writing a blog post they know they’ll never publish.
It’s only when we introduce other people into the equation that we start to develop fear.
Hiring a Life Coach involves an element of admitting that you don’t have all your ducks in a row and that’s not easy for a lot of people to admit to others, but the reality is,
“Nobody has all their ducks in a row, and I do mean NOBODY!”
In fact I’ll go a stage further,
“Many people can’t line up ANY of their ducks, the feathery fuckers are flapping around out of their reach and refusing to play ball”
I once read an interview with Andy McNab that summed up beautifully how many people view their lives.
For those of you that don’t know him, McNab was a British SAS soldier that commanded an 8 man team to work behind enemy lines in during the first Iraqi war.
The mission was compromised and McNab was caught. He underwent incredible beatings before being released six weeks later with damage to his kidneys and liver and having contracted hepatitis.
‘Bravo Two Zero’ his book about the experience went on to be a best-seller and as a result McNab soon became a sought after expert in film making, advising on the Pacino/De Niro movie ‘Heat’ amongst others.
In the interview McNab was being asked which war movies he thought were the most realistic.
He had ‘Full Metal Jacket’ at number two with ‘Platoon at number one. However it’s his reason for having ‘Platoon’ up there that struck me as being fascinating.
He explained that the first casualty of war is often not truth at the saying goes, but the breakdown of communication, and not for the reasons you might think.
Imagine you have a string of foxholes 100 yards apart over a one mile Suddenly the line comes under attack from a barrage of enemy gunfire.
What do you think could cause communication to break down?
Maybe people are too wrapped up in the action (or diving for cover) to remember to deliver crucial information to command? Or perhaps the equipment gets damaged or maybe even that nobody can hear a damn thing?
I’m sure those things can come into play, but the main reason is a lot more interesting and less obvious than that.
If you’re in one of those foxholes and gunfire is exploding all around you, your first reaction is to scream for back up. But what if the people in the next foxhole and the one after that are coming under an equally intense attack?
That’s right, they’re requesting back up too.
So the breakdown occurs because the lines are busy and everybody is put on hold with annoying elevator that occasionally gets interrupted by a voice saying, “If you don’t want to hold, please visit www.myassistoast.com to report your imminent demise”
Ok, maybe not quite like that, but you get my meaning. Everybody thinks their situation is worse than the next persons.
People who come to me are often in a similar position.
They regularly think they have worse problems than the next person. That they are a bit nuttier, their family a bit more dysfunctional, their financial plight a little bit worse, their job more depressing and their relationship in more turmoil.
In fact I’m convinced of the thousands of people that have considered life coaching, but never taken it a stage further, it’s often because they’re worried that not only are their problems just to ‘out there’ for any life coach, but also that it will confirm to other people they’re barking mad because they’ve asked to ask for help.
Let me stress at this point, that in no way do I mean to belittle or demean peoples individual issues, in fact just the opposite.
Everybody has their own unique set of problems to deal with, it’s part of life, but the key word there is everybody, because none of us are immune. If you doubt me, read the post ‘I’m Stressed Senseless‘ I wrote from a little while back.
So yes I am impressed by people that contact me, even if I’m not always the right Life Coach for them and maybe therapy is more appropriate. At least they’re grabbing the bull by the horns and saying, “enough is enough I want more out of my life”
What’s not to respect about that?
Tim Brownson is a Certified Life Coach and has been unsticking people and helping them reach their true potential since 2005. If you would like to know how he can help you
I can’t believe you didn’t register myassistoast.com – so disappointed!
Whilst I’m not sure you’d disagree, and it wasn’t quite the point of your post, I respect people who don’t ask for help. I think trying to work things out yourself, using your initiative and coming to your own conclusions is to be admired. However, I’d agree that when you cease to be able to cope (or ideally a bit before), then asking for help is a sensible thing to do.
And even though I’ve no insight into the facts I wondered if, in fact, some people don’t seek the assistance of a life coach for the opposite reason that you offer – i.e. they believe their problems are mundane, that everyone has the same ones and that they’re the only ones unable to cope. This feeling, that they’re inadequate and the problems are ‘unworthy’ are possibly bigger factors in holding people back from seeking help?
I’m being slightly provocative because I’m a little listless this afternoon.
@ Mark – I admire people that try and work stuff out too, to a certain extent. However, when people have spent 5, 10 even 20 years ‘working it out’ then it’s time to say enough is enough.
Also, anything the speeds the process up has to be desired imho.
I’m sure the whole mundane thing is true too, almost as though they feel they ‘should’ be able to cope. Yep I think it’s the opposite side of the same coin.
Listless eh? Get a pair of dobermans, listless isn’t allowed in this house.
I think I’ve got one duck in a row!
In your experience Tim, is there a male/female or US/UK difference in asking for help from a life coach?
@ Chris – Can you have 1 duck in a row?
I reckon about 60% of my clients are female and about 80% of the people that have applied for the free coaching offer are women also.
So it seems to me that women are more willing to ask for help. OTOH they could be just attracted to my Adonis good looks and Zeus-like physique.
I saw Full Metal Jacket three days after graduating USMC recruit training at Parris Island.
The only non-real part was the rifle suicide, as weapons are kept in the armory for a reason.
Kubrick really nailed it.
—-
After wondering for months about who I’m really writing to, Alexa informs me of the following:
“Based on internet averages, website-in-a-weekend.net is visited more frequently by females who are in the age range 45-54, received some college education and browse this site from home.”
Hrm.
Apart from being a serious WTF? moment, now I’m faced with figuring WTH these nice ladies are.
It just gets curiouser and curiouser.
Shit…we’re supposed to have ducks? Great, yet another example of just how screwed up I am. :)
I think we all have too many ducks, and not enough pond!
@ Mark —- I think you will find that when Tim is finished with his clients, they have the solutions all sorted out, not necessarily because Tim is brilliant (which he clearly is…or we wouldn’t be here reading him!) but because a great coach does not provide the solution but helps elicit solutions that are already within us.
Now…DAFFY, get back in line DAISY…wait your turn oohhh shit where did that duck come from?
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This post was mentioned on Twitter by TimBrownson: Are your ducks in a row? A post that has nothing to do with ducks or Easter eggs. http://snipurl.com/v935o…
All this time I’ve been herding cats….
Tim,
I personally have NEVER had my ducks in a row, but I keep moving forward anyway. I think there’s much to be said for that “inner voice” or “intuition” or whatever you choose to call it (so long as it’s not a psychotic episode) leading us to our next step whether or not there’s been much preparation. Albeit, it’s probably best to have a business plan when it comes to work, oftentimes when it comes to personal healing or relationships, sometimes it’s best to “wing it.”
Just sayin’… ;)
Annie
@ Dave – He actually criticized one other scene from FMJ. The bit where they are walking into the village expecting to find snipers. One soldier crossed the path and therefore eye line of another and he said that would never happen.
Stats will drive you bats mate, I gave up trying to work them out some while ago.
@ Jeb – The ducks are on their way via FedEx, worry not.
@ Mick – Nice of you to say that mate thanks, but every coach *fails* with some clients for a number of reasons and I’m no exception.
@ Mike – Herding cats is so 1990′s.
@ Annie – I actually think there cane be times in business when winging it is good too. I have done it a number of times, in fact I think I still am making this stuff as I’m going along to be honest ;-)
@Tim, I agree, but roping toads still hasn’t taken off, and I have a fowl allergy.
[...] When you’re battling with negative thoughts and struggling to find your calling, it’s difficult to respect your apparent misery. But the truth is we’ve all been there before. Contrary to popular belief, no one has it all figured out. [...]
Tim, I missed that part… I hadn’t been in combat (yet).
But I’ve been right on the edge of taking friendly fire!
Interesting post. On the other hand, I visited the websites of some of the winners of your “Free life coaching” offer and came away rather impressed. Are you sure you’re not helping these people get started on a second, entirely new row of ducks instead? :-)
I’m a little late on responding to this one. Just getting around to old posts in my email.
Good post and interesting insights.
I attempt to teach my children to try to work things out for themselves but then to ask for help if they need to. When they do ask for help, it is always about guiding them to their own solutions. I guess I’ve always had a little coach in me.
Sometimes it may seem like it isn’t ducks or cats but rather greased pigs!
The fear of failure in front of anybody will give strong emotion to be a stronger because while you are in bathroom and singing anything which you want to like without thinking about what other people said. Because at that time you are know that no one is listening your singing but in real life you fear to sign in front of crowd or anybody because at that time you are involving people to the equation and then we start to develop fear.