I even received an angry e-mail from one reader accusing me of being a miserablist and saying that ever since I uploaded the video How Be Miserable the quality of my content has gone downhill.
And sadly I think that person may very well be right and I hung my head in shame.
Therefore, it’s time for reparation and to take a detailed look at how you can use modern technology to ensure hours and hours of misery, sleepless nights and ruin just about every relationship you have.
It’s not easy though, you have to work at this stuff if you want to master it. But I see people do it every day and I’m confident with some commitment and tenacity you can be crying yourself to sleep in no time.
1. Become CEO Of The Internet
There is somebody somewhere at the very moment posting something that is wrong on the Internet. Hunt the bastard down and point out the error of their ways using a mixture of sarcasm, patronizing language and a spattering of verbal abuse.
When you take on the lofty role of the CEO of the Internet you’re honor bound not to sleep, not to rest and not to waver in your quest to make sure everything is just so according to your moral code and your view on life.
And don’t worry, you don’t have to be right per se yourself, because you’re the CEO, you can do what you want. You actually can make shit up, offer opinions as facts and do whatever you wish whilst being morally outraged if others do anything similar.
2. Don’t Face Your Problems, Facebook Them
They say a problem shared is a problem halved and they are right. But why stop at halving it when you have so many people you can share it with and keep halving it every time.
If you suspect you’re partner maybe cheating on you because he or she was 3 minutes late home from work, Facebook it! If you suspect you might have a yeast infection, Facebook it! If you hate your job and your boss, Facebook it making sure you name and tag both for added fun.
There are no boundaries to what you can whine and complain about on Facebook as it’s really just one big happy family of people looking to support one another without judgment.
If you can share your problems with 5,000 people, then from a statistical point of view and by halving it each time, it means you no longer have any problems. Woo-hoo!
3. Text Whilst Driving
According to some do-gooder, egg-head boffins in white coats, texting whilst driving can increase your chances of crashing by up to 40 times.
Let’s put this in conTEXT (clever eh?) shall we.
They are probably the same loons that suggested smoking is bad for you and there’s something called global warming that’s negatively effecting half a dozen spoiled polar bears who are whining about being too hot in their silly fur coats. Hello My Polar Bear, have you not heard of waxing???
Anyway, I concur that taking your eyes off the road for a couple of minutes at a time whilst speeding at 75mph down the Interstate as your kids play havoc in the back seat may be marginally more dangerous than driving normally, but I for one have never ever had an accident whilst texting.
I do seem to have seen a lot, and a lot of people do seem to be swerving round me these days, but it doesn’t matter because I have a huge great fuck off SUV and I’m safe as houses, so who cares about anybody else?
4. Cheat At Words With Friends
Your brain hates to lose, hates it I tell ya! So if you’re playing Words with Friends and some selfish bastard is trying to beat you, cheat!
Worry not if you’re unsure how because cheating has never been easier. There are even apps to help make sure that you don’t need to concern yourself with trivial stuff like expanding you vocabulary or adopting cunning tactics.
Admittedly this may give you a short-term boost of happiness by sending a dopamine fix your way when you cheat your way to a win.
However, the negative long-term effects to your self esteem will ultimately lower your happiness levels and are worth pushing through some momentary happiness.
5. Get Drunk And Post Revealing Photos
They say nothing goes together like a horse and carriage. Well I have no idea who ‘they’ are, but they’re obviously wrong because the true expression should be, ‘nothing goes together like a drunk and the Internet’
Go out with friends for a meal and get totally hammered. Then get your camera phone out and take revealing photos of yourself in the bathroom and also ones of you and your friends lusting after your server and grabbing his arse.
Then make sure though that you upload them to Facebook immediately before the alcohol wears off and you realize you acted with all the decorum of of a very horny bull in a china shop full of ceramic cows.
Make sure to tell yourself that you can just take them down again if you want, because we all know that once you have removed something from the Internet it’s gone forever with no possible way it can be retrieved.
Never, ever retire for the evening without checking your e-mails in between brushing your teeth and climbing in to bed.
We all know that there’s at least 50 times more chance of there being an e-mail that will keep you awake at night worrying about some work related problem than there is likely to be one that will help you get a good nights kip.
If you really want to excel in this area make sure you have your phone close by and set up so it alerts you if any e-mails come in overnight.
Of course 99% of these will be spam and nothing of interest, but at least you remove the chance of you missing out on some bad news or the e-mail that tells you you’re fired for posting inappropriate photos on Facebook.
7. Follow Celebrities On Twitter And The Stalk The Shit Out Of Them
If you’re following Ryan Gosling or Miley Cyrus on Twitter, they need to know it.
Beg them to say hello or retweet some inane post of yours.
And when I say beg, I mean beg. Batter them with tweets hour after hour, day after day, until they respond.
Keep checking your Twitter stream on a 15 minute basis (including through the night) just in case they respond with something and you miss it.
If they don’t respond they’re obviously vicious bastards trying to mess with your head and some relentless abuse is called for.
Attack them, attack them and then attack them some more. If you don’t have a restraining order issued against you within a week, you really aren’t trying
On the other hand, if they do respond make sure every single person on the planet knows about it.
Screen capture the tweet and use it as your avatar, post in on Facebook tagging every single person you know and call your local news station so they know what an undoubted superstar you are.
8 Work Tirelessly On Growing Your Facebook Following
This is a great way to make yourself really miserable because it’s not confined to Facebook, this can be done just as easily on Twitter, Pinterest and most social media platforms.
Your self worth isn’t an internal thing, it’s not something you decide on based on how you feel about yourself and your ability to live by your values.
Self worth is really measured by how many online ‘Friends’* you have on Social Media.
This is why people like Charlie Sheen, Britney Spears, Chris Brown and Paris Hilton are people you should always admire and look up to.
Once you have run out of friends you actually know start trawling around for people who know people you know, and then people who know people, who know people who you know.
If you haven’t maxed out at the 5,000 limit on Facebook you are obviously a loser.
And even better is that Twitter doesn’t even have a maximum! This is awesome because no matter how many friends you acquire there will always be people with more than you and will help you keep your self worth in the gutter.
*And remember friends is a loose term in this situation. It’s ok to friend somebody you hated at school, in fact it’s positively encouraged on the Internet.
9. Remember Bloggers Aren’t Allowed To Lie
If you read something on a blog, it’s the truth. Bloggers aren’t allowed to lie or get stuff horribly wrong.
So if a blogger says that kids are best off eating raw Chimpanzee meat and drinking a quart of coffee for breakfast it’s a FACT, so that’s what you should get them.
If you drop one of these facts into a conversation with a friend and they cast doubt, mock them heartily and then point out how ignorant they are and storm out in a huff remembering to ceremoniously unfriend them on Facebook as you leave.
10. Take Everything Personally
Some people may tell you not to take the Internet too seriously as people act in ways they wouldn’t normally when afforded the luxury of anonymity or being in a different country or even on a different continent.
These are probably the same bleeding heart liberals who think saving a few fat lazy polar bears is a good use of their time and that an increase in warm weather and the ability to tan quickly is a problem.
You must take everything personally, it’s probably the law.
Any negative comment about you is true and every compliment is a suck up from somebody planning to stab you in the back and steal your partner.
Even negative comments that don’t seem to be directed at you, probably are, so lash out just in case.
New technology offers you a multitude of ways in which you can bring yourself down and lower the quality of life.
That doesn’t mean you should abandon tried and trusted methods such as judging others, catstrophizing, being a martyr, immersing yourself in celebrity culture and all that other good stuff. It simple means you have new alternatives that can complement and broaden your diet of misery.
I presume you are maximizing all of the above and seeing the appropriate spectacular results. Unless that is you’re one of those weirdos who wants to be happy in life and you do the opposite.
I guess there’s no pleasing some people.