At the end of the 19th century the brilliant psychologist and philosopher William Joyce was due to give the keynote speech at a huge convention for psychologists. There was much excitement once news circulated that James had agreed to talk and people came from all over the country to see the great man deliver his wisdom.
There was a huge sense of anticipation in the build up to his talk and when he finally came on stage the room was at fever pitch. He walked up to the lectern, surveyed the audience and said:
“The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes of mind.”
That was it, that was his entire speech. He then walked off stage again, out of the room and presumably back to his hotel to raid the mini bar, leaving behind lots of unhappy people demanding their money back.
Most Life Coaching is done at an action level i.e. a plan is formulated to help the client get from A to B in the quickest most desirable manner.
That’s cool and will work on some occasions, but it doesn’t address the underlying problem that’s caused the client to become stuck in the first place, their attitude and more specifically the thinking that created that attitude.
The analogy I trot out to most Life Coaching clients is that if you get a headache you’ll probably take a pain killer. If you get one the following day you may very well take another pill and even the day after that.
At some point though, you’re probably going to want to stop attacking your liver with huge quantities of Advil and get to the cause of your pain. That way you can stop the headaches occurring in the first place which is a much better option.
I want to explain a simple yet incredibly powerful method for helping you change your attitude towards things that at the moment may just plain piss you off.
If you’re a life coaching client, have read How To Be Rich and Happy or have been reading this blog for any length of time you may already know this stuff because I’ve talked about it before, but it’s importance cannot be overstated and it bears repetition.
There are two primary ways you create feelings and emotions, through the language you use both externally, and more importantly internally, and by the associated images you create inside your head to represent that language.
What most people don’t understand, is that rather than just letting their thoughts run amok they have the power to intercept them at a conscious level and change anything that doesn’t make them feel good whenever they want to.
In other words, if you change what you say to yourself (the language) you will change the pictures and that will change what you feel.
How often do you make a statements similar to the following?
- I must lose weight
- I should get myself to the gym more often
- I need to get myself a coffee
- I have to have this report finished by 5.00pm
- I’ve got to get that promotion
I hear things like that from almost every client I ever see to a greater or lesser extent. I’m sure they don’t look that unusual to you, and you’d be right, they aren’t at all unusual, which is why few people ever stop to question them.
They are however, massively unhelpful and restricting.
Whenever I hear statements like that the first thing that jumps into my head is the question,
“Or what?”
- I must lose weight. Or what?
- I should get myself to the gym more often. Or what?
- I need to get myself a coffee. Or what?
- I have to have this report finished by 5.00pm. Or what?
- I’ve got to get that promotion. Or what?
When I ask a client that it usually creates a momentary sense of confusion as they go inside and pose themselves the same question, or what?
That will often be followed up sheepishly by something like “Well nothing really”
And that’s exactly the point. There are very few things in life you absolutely have to or must do. Maybe breath and pay taxes, but most other things are up for debate and getting a coffee is never a must no matter how cranky you are without your caffeine fix.
Most people at this point are still a bit doubtful, after all, these are only words and they do a job, right?
Well yes they do do a job. If that is, the job you want doing is to remove choice, make every task feel like a chore leaving you with a bad attitude toward whatever it is you think you need to be doing.
I’d like you to close your eyes and think about somebody saying any of the above phrases, even the example of of somebody saying they need a cup of coffee if you so wish.
What comes to mind?
It’s almost impossible to use those phrases without effecting your physiology in a negative manner. I must do this, or should do that, brings to mind somebody with a miserable look on their face, a drooping of the shoulders and a resigned sound to their voice.
In short they have a bad attitude toward whatever it is they say they must/should/have to do because they have put themselves under pressure at an unconscious level by using inappropriate restrictive language.
Not only does using these words make whatever it is you want to do seem more onerous, but you also risk damaging your self-esteem. The isolated occasions when you say you must lose weight and you don’t isn’t an issue, but if you keep saying it over and over again with no action you stop trusting yourself.
So what’s the alternative?
How about saying you’d love to, would like to, or it would be fun to?
Think of the associated body language when you say you want to do something.
It’s an instant attitude upgrade because you cannot be congruent between the words you’re speaking and your body language (and sarcasm isn’t being congruent by the way) and still have a grimace on our face.
I realize that may be stretch if you’re off to do something you positively hate to do, such as getting a dental check up. In these cases simply replace “I need to” with “I choose to”, because after all, you are choosing.
I doubt it will have you looking forward to being stabbed, poked and scrapped, but it may blunt the edges and you take back control of the situation.
It’s so easy to underestimate the power of the words you use, especially as you hear other people talk the same way on a daily basis and you’ve used them all your life. Trust me on this though, I have seen massive positive change in clients when they’ve succeeded in implementing more empowering language .
I’ll be honest and admit it’s not an overnight fix and requires some serious commitment.
However, if you get other people to let you know when you get it wrong (kids are brilliant at pointing out any indiscretions, especially if you offer them a quarter every time they pick you up on it and they learn into the bargain), you’ll soon start to feel better about stuff that previously used to bug the hell out of you.
I can’t believe what I did not ten minutes before reading this. I wrote myself out a little pep talk saying “You must”, “You should”, “You need to”.
I read this and immediately thought, “It’s easy to fall back into old habits when you feel the pressure is on.”
But then I got to wondering “What pressure?” and “Who is putting this pressure on me?”
This is a crazy mad way to be talking to myself, especially as I know better!
Good advice Tim. Thank you!
Hi Tim,
Any suggested readings if we want to read more about that William Joyce philosopher / psychologist fellow? (Well, more than the one sentence you posted above.)
Christian
@ Dave – I must admit that I even find myself slipping back on occasions. Stress causes us all to default to familiar patterns of behavior even though that behavior isn’t always helpful.
I found this out when the in-laws were here. Can’t sleep? Nothing that a bottle of wine wont cure. Er, except it never did ;-)
@ Christan – To be honest I don’t know that much about James other than his brother was Henry James the author and many people see him as being the father of modern day psychology. Stick his name in Amazon and I’m sure there will be plenty of material to pick from.
@Dave Ha ha, I channeled the essence of Tim to realize I really don’t have to do anything tonight but get some rest so as to kick ass in the morning.
@Tim I do sometimes revert, just like you told Dave, but I have noticed a HUGE difference since I started putting this into practice.
I would elaborate, but the essence of you told me I’d really be better off relaxing on the sofa.
@ Tracey – Yep, you lounge away ;-)
Hello,
I have to agree, I found changing my way of thinking made a huge difference to my approach to things, especially with activities I didn’t really enjoy. I also found it helpful with these things, to have a reason. For example I choose to do this aerobics class as I want to keep myself fit, healthy….and I want to burn off the glass of wine from last night!! Changing attitudes makes me look at the positive in every situation (there always is one even it is very hard to see!) Rather than slogging it out counting down minutes until the class has finished, I’ll enjoy the feeling of having a healthy body and actually appreciate being able to do it.
Many thanks for the reminder – as many have commented it is easy to slip back into old ways and important to be vigilant:)
Best wishes,
Kate
http://www.improvedconfidence.com
Thanks for this post, Tim.
I’ve been using the “I would like ….” and “I like . . .” mantra lately for a few things I’ve been wanting to change. And you know what? I like it.
@Christian, the psychologist was William James, not William Joyce.
@Tim, I know you know that from your reply to Christian. Just wanted to make sure other people don’t think William Joyce was a great psychologist, since he was rather a fascist jerk, from what I understand.
@Kathy, thanks, my search results make more sense with that name. The results that were turning up with “Joyce” were the guy you mention and a children’s books author.
It would be fun to take a bathroom break right now.
If I don’t take a bathroom break right now, either I will pee my pants or my bladder will explode.
I would love to take a bathroom break right now.
Okay, I think this really does work on nearly any phrase. Just testing to see.
Tim that’s powerful – ‘Or what’? It takes it to a whole new level of thinking and compels the person to take on the resistance or the way forwards. Two words, six letters, profound effect. Fantastic!
Alison,
Hehehehehe I just laughed out loud at my desk…..few funny looks coming my way!
Kate
@ Kate – Yeh that’s a good point thanks, adding a reason really does help and social psychologists have proved that again and again.
@ Ken – You’re welcome.
@ Kathy – LOL, I had no idea William Joyce was such a person and if I’m being honest didn’t even notice Christian got it wrong!
@ Alisa – I hope you got that bathroom break.
@ John – Glad you like it!
I have always believed that attitude change starts with vocabulary change! Thanks for the reiteration Tim. I always strive to cut out all of the bad vocabulary words that I have. ‘Hate’, ‘Should’, ‘Sometime’, ‘Need to’. So far, I’ve been doing a pretty good job, using the ‘smack on the head’ method :). Haha.
Thanks,
Josh Lipovetsky.
Hey Tim, isn’t human nature fascinating and entertaining? You and I haven’t really connected thus far, so I thought I’d stop by and soak up some of your wisdom. This is a nice place you’ve got here. I’ve enjoyed everything I’ve read. I especially love the lightheartedness of it all.
@ Josh – Don’t smack too hard! Be kind to yourself and you can still get the results you’re looking for.
@ Jonathan – Agreed! I’d be struggling to mention anybody else who I know in my field that I see so much and who I have so little interaction with. We can end that right here and right now, right? ;-)
Tim, Absolutely.
Attitude is a way of responding to our environment that is derived mostly from our generalizations about others and the system. We adopt and express a certain attitude in order to preserve ourselves from “harm” or to maintain a preferred personal status quo.
Attitude is always expressed in relations to others (others, goals, system ) outside of oneself
What you may not have known is that your attitude says a lot about your self-esteem, self-acceptance and self-affirmation. More than it says anything about others! Your attitude tells the world about your self-esteem, self-acceptance as well as your self-affirmation.
Christian, I’d start with Varieties of Religious Experience.
An excellent biography of the whole James family is The Jameses: A Family Narrative, by R.W.B. Lewis.
Remarkable bunch. Brothers and sisters all.
William James was also one of the fathers of pragmatism, American style. An incredibly important philosopher/psychology . . . and his brother Henry was one of our greatest novelists.
That’s some great advice on changing mindset and attitude.
You may want ot correct a little typo. In the quotation in the beginning of the post it says “buy” instead of “by”.
@ Rotem – Indeed it did, thanks for the heads up.
Dude, Spot on.
Since I did coaching with you, I’ve made MASSIVE improvements to my internal dialogue. (Cheers)
Now – when I catch myself saying “I need / should” – etc – I just laugh at myself and replace it with a “I’d love to do this” – or just drop the idea altogether. Sweet.
It’s hilarious how dictator-like we tend to be towards ourselves – when we’d never speak that way to another person (unless we are particularly rude or arrogant)
It’s made a proper impression on my overall well-being. So simple, but massively effective. Nice work Brownson.
As a slight shameless plug, I recently wrote a post called “The Illusion of Perceived Urgency”. It ties in nicely to this – basically, the idea that we rush ourselves to reach goals NOW or somehow something bad will happen. Very silly.
Anyway, link is above, if anyone wants to read it (after they have booked coaching sessions with you, naturally :)
Attitude in life will effect your relations like business relation,family relations,friends relations and your life style. Attitude depends upon its type if it is positive then not a problem but if it isn’t then a big problem.