I’m not quite sure if impulsively setting up a survey in my last post was a great idea or a really stupid one. At the time of writing I’ve had about 100 responses and I think it’s fair to say that the jury is still out, on oh, ya know, just about everything.
Everything that is, with the possible exception that almost everybody wants to read posts about canine attacks on my genitalia. Thanks a lot for that.
Some of the answers have really caught me by surprise and prompted me to have a bit of a re-think. I still really, really want to hear what you have to say if you haven’t already filled it in.
I know it means a couple of tiresome clicks if you’re reading on a smart phone or via e-mail, but it will be worth it as I send lots of life coach love your way.
So click here (after you’ve read the post of course) and I’ll wrap it all up later this week and tell you how what you’ve had to say is going to effect what I do with this blog.
Fortunately, I was exaggerating just a tad because one of the things that’s come out loud and proud is the fact that as long as they’re of a high enough quality, most of you enjoy the occasional guest post.
That’s great, because today we have a guest post from the man that ninjas run away from, Samurai warriors weep in fear at the merest mention of his name and Chuck Norris has on speed dial for those critical emergencies he can’t deal with on his own. Yes indeed it’s the return of Mad Mike ‘Nunchuk’ Panebianco with an absolutely brilliant post that I wish I’d written, on confidence.
The Skinny On Real Confidence
As a professional aviator, and defensive tactics instructor I have trained non-stop for the past 20 years to survive. I have been trained to handle disasters in airplanes, to include fire, mechanical failure, weather anomaly, and severe shortage of Diet Coke. I have been trained in multiple martial arts, battlefield combatives, weapons applications, and anti terrorism tactics. I am pretty much a training junkie. If there’s a good training opportunity, I’m in.
Some training is great, but most is left wanting. Here is why. The system, or method, or miracle technique they pass off to you seems awesome in theory, or in a controlled environment, but when it meets a pressure test in the real world, the theory crumbles.
They leave the human out of the equation. We behave differently in a bad situation than we do in a classroom. The training that begins with being human, then builds a system or response around you is the sure winner.
Confidence is one of those things that seems to have escaped the substance of a great presentation, and is still dealing with soft sell, one dimensional solutions.
Confidence can’t be built by lying to yourself. Confidence can’t be built with words alone. Confidence is not necessarily transferable from one situation to the next. Confidence can’t be built by hoping things will work out.
For the past year, since Sully hit the Hudson, I have been trying to put a finger on what makes folks confident….. kick your ass, slay the dragon, hand your beer to the quarterback and kiss the prom queen in front of her boyfriend confidence. I have found the following four factors over, and over, and over. Here’s a quick and dirty on them.
Visualization, Belief, Association and Fear Tools
Pick the situation in your life. A real situation that you have shirked from, or caved and taken the easy path. Be honest and choose the situation that you passed because you just didn’t have the stones. Here’s a combat-quick way to build some kick ass confidence.
Build the visualization
Slowly and deliberately build a mental picture (or movie) of how you want to see yourself perform in the situation which you need confidence in. Focus on what you can control, not what others, or environmental factors might be. Embrace what you can’t change, and stay focused on what you should be doing; You, breathing, thinking, and doing your very best.
Visualize what can go wrong, and you dealing with it calmly, and responsibly. The better your blueprint, the more confident you are, the better you perform.
Check your beliefs
Examine your beliefs that relate to your situation. Tim has some great reference in How To Be Rich and Happy to really look at your beliefs, and values for that matter. I will give you my quick list on beliefs. Nothing can short circuit your success like a limiting belief. Three good questions to ask yourself;
- Is this my belief, or someone else’s?
- Is this belief accurate?
- Is the belief empowering?
Do the homework and evaluate your beliefs honestly. This is a sure circuit breaker to kill your confidence. If you don’t believe it, you can’t achieve it.
What do you associate?
When you think of your situation, what associations come with it? When you walk into an interview, do you think about a bad prior interview? What prior experiences generated associations with that situation? Good or bad, these associations can affect your confidence, and your resulting performance.
The more emotionally charged a situation is, the more intense the association will be, and the more work it will take to shift, or overwrite it. (I did not say erase) Reframing and retraining a bad former association takes some mental effort, but can be done.
With negative associations to a situation, you need to re-frame it, or re-train it. Find a way to look at the association in a new way (the cause of the association, not the reaction), or find a new way to train away that response, and repeat….and repeat…. Beat a new path.
Practice interviews, prepping for them. Build new experiences, build new associations.
Fear Tools
Fear is one of the biggest motivators, or de-motivators known to man. Our brain is designed to keep us out of trouble, away from failure, and safe. Fear gets muddy when we experience it in social situations. Fear was originally for keeping us from being killed and eaten. It was also to keep us from doing things to get us ostracized from the tribe, which would lead to death.
We all have fear. What we do with it determines whether we keep ideas and dreams in our heads, or press into a plan and achieve. Fear limits our cognitive ability if we don’t find ways to limit it’s affects on our performance. Having been in a few situations where I may have lost my life if I could not perform well, I have two tactics I use to drive through fear. One is a real time coping tool, the second is a pre-programmed approach.
Tool no. 1: Name and reframe in real time. If its happening now, you need performance ability now. Name the emotion and its source. (dulls emotion by activating a new area of the brain) Then, if it is a more moderate effect, reframe it quickly.
My airplane is burning, and this can end badly. Wow, my hands are shaking. Its just fear. I wish I was home with my wife and kids….. I have to get in the fight… Reframe this! COWBOY UP! Fly the plane, kill the fuel for the fire, and get something moving! This is a fight, and I AM going home today. I have done all of these things before. I know where my landing point is, I know the weather is acceptable. We are fighting the fire in every way possible. The checklist is done, aviate, navigate, communicate… My crew is better with me here, keeping everything moving….
Did you see how the dread turned to challenge? This is a fight. Something I get strength from. What do you use?
Tool no. 2: When we have time to prepare for when we will need confidence, training is crucial for dealing with fear.
Repetition, replication, and motivation are key.
Once we have envisioned our desired performance in confidence, we need to get to work. (10,000 hours to be exact) We need to practice, in as real an environment as possible (for real or in your head), and we need to keep purpose and mastery foremost in our effort. Why we are doing what we are doing is key. It drives you through the reps. Mastery should be the goal. It is the real time attention you need to pay during the practice.
Fear finds the cracks in your preparation. It finds the holes in your confidence. As aviators we build our tools in very expensive simulators. We acclimate ourselves to situations that horrify most people. There is a reason the sims are so expensive…. they work! Acclimate to beat your fears.
Test for yourself
This isn’t the be-all, end-all way to confidence. You can go a lot deeper on this than I have here. I use this mental process frequently, and it works under pressure. It works when the chips are down, and it works on small challenges as well. My biggest gains in confidence have come when I have allowed myself the time to practice my mindset. However, every real time victory builds confidence as well. Incorporate your wins into your practice.
Remember, how do we get to Carnegie Hall? (no….perfect practice!!)
Yes, you can. Confidence helps.
Mike teaches people all sorts of weird and wonderful stuff to do with personal safety, building confidence and conflict management over at Able Coaching. He also says he’s going to kick your ass if you don’t take my survey. Just saying…
What do you think of Mikes take on confidence? Agree, disagree etc?
Tim Brownson is a Certified Life Coach and has been unsticking people and helping them reach their true potential since 2005. If you would like to know how he can help you
Awesome post. I definitely “flight” instead of “fight” but maybe I can change this?
@Evelyn
Fight is only my preferred route when awareness and diplomacy have failed, and death, or severe bodily harm are imminent!
All kidding aside, refer to Tim’s last post on negotiating, and using your confidence to stand your ground and achieve a more desirable outcome can change your outcome today, and everyday down the road.
It is my hope that the culmination of purpose, attitude, and confidence will allow you to choose what response is appropriate rather than reacting without contemplation.
@ Evelyn – running away is usually a better option when it’s available imho!
@ Mike – Thanks for a really great post mate and best of luck on your operation tomorrow. Just make sure you get the morphine to go ;-)
Awesome post! My tendency is to hide my head in the sand until it either goes away or it blows up so much that I have to deal with it.
But also, there are times when the “situation” is ongoing and you really don’t know what may lie ahead. For example, many of the people going through financial difficulties right now. Although I guess you can just do the visualization daily, huh?
By the way, I think you’ve made a good point about training in general. I’ve seen it with even small business and marketing training–the best training system does little good if the customer doesn’t have the confidence to implement it correctly!
Hi Mike,
An excellent post. Got me thinking about how I try and build confidence and in what areas do I feel I lack confidence (since, as you pointed out, we may have confidence in some situations and not in others).
One of the most challenging situations for me is when I feel that I will upset or offend someone if I speak my mind. It’s not that I’m afraid of damage being done to me if I fight, but the damage that I would inflict.
Some people say hurtful things and don’t care the least about how others might feel. But even when dealing with such people, I can’t bring myself to point out that their being inconsiderate and moronic.
I tried visualization, but I guess I haven’t practiced it enough.
What ideas/beliefs would you (or Tim) suggest I bear in mind in such situations?
@Tim,
Thanks! I will be asking for extra morphine tomorrow!
@Tracy,
With an ongoing situation, first determine your big picture need for the confidence.
I would swing at the financial situation you referred to by starting with the big picture, and refining until we find the areas for confidence to really apply. Im not sure exactly what your scenario, or situation is, so I will shoot in the dark a bit here.
Financial issues break down to two solutions, make more, or spend less. Say you have stripped your budget to the bare minimums, and you need to make more money. How can we do that? Get a new job, work out a raise, or get a promotion. This is the level of the problem, or situation where confidence lives and works in our solution (for this scenario). So plug in the visualization, belief, association, and fear tools there. Training, interviewing, resume and cover letter writing…etc; this is where you need the confidence. That is where confidence can help your situation.
Keep things in perspective. Like I said, you can’t lie to yourself and expect your confidence to hold up to a high emotion event like an extended financial crisis. (I have the t-shirt). Being confident you will endure and thrive will rest on your confidence deeper in the micro-situation.
Let me know if that helps, or if I need to dig a little further.
@Haider,
I think Tim might have a more holistic and helpful suggestion here, but as a flight crew member for the past 20 years, I have been witness to some of the same situations you highlight. The barrier to communication that people like that present to a crew environment has been fatal on several occasions. We are compelled to be assertive due to the hazard to the operation it presents. Out in the real world, this may not be as big of a deal, but I am forced to deal with this on a regular basis.
In most situations, I have to catch myself from going heels too quickly. Depending on whether this person qualifies for my efforts falls to a very simple hierarchy of decision-making. It helps to consider people who act like an ass as a person of great suffering. They can’t find peace, so they cry out for help. Some do this by being a dick.
So, is this person worth my time, should I interject to right a wrong, or should I roll my eyes and move on?
Does this person qualify in my purpose or mission statements to justify me expending energy on giving them feedback?
If they do, (in my job I need to keep people in the loop)I start working out how I can find a win-win for the situation. I develop my confidence by anticipating some of the common conflicts, aggravations, or rubs that I come across and pre-program my responses. I even give myself a few fallback options if they aren’t received well. In all instances, I try to keep a servants heart in giving feedback, not just to retaliate for something that was obviously thoughtless or crass that another has said. When I put in the time ahead of the situation, my confidence is enhanced.
In real time, I can confidently handle these people by relying on my own purpose, mission, or principles. If engaging a total dope is not in any of those three areas, I easily can brush off the situation. If they persist, I can keep from getting emotionally involved by constantly adhering to my purpose. Does that make sense?
ie. My first officer has been a douchebag to the flight attendant all morning. During a stopover, the A comes up to say hello, and the FO puts his coffee cup in her face and says “I take mine black”. Given his poor behavior earlier, the FA takes offense….
Now, I’m the Captain, and we are all adults. Do I HAVE to engage here? Tough call, but I will say yes for the sake of argument. Yes, because if we have an emergency later in the day, will the ill feelings the A has toward the FO inhibit her from sharing information in regards to a situation, or calling for help knowing the FO may answer? Will the FO discount important information from the A because he has a total lack of respect for her and her value to a “crew” environment?
Can you see where this is going? We can start programming some responses to build confidence with handling the situation. The defusing I use will have to follow a purpose, ie, generating a safer environment….
If it were a different story, and it didn’t matter, I’d mind my own business and wave off wasting energy on a total prick! Either way, I get to put my head on my pillow in total peace, and he is still a dick!
Hope that in some way covers it!?
@ Mike – Can you put a bit more effort into your replies please!
@Tim-Im working on it! In a few hours the replies might get more colorful!
Im off to surgery in a moment, new shoulder installation! So for a day or so I may be incommunicado. I will reply as soon as I can find my way through my laptop security!
Cheers all!
“total prick”… “still a dick”…
Mike, your lingo sounds a lot like Tim’s! :P
I totally get what you’re saying, and thank you for the thoughtful (and thought-provoking) reply.
I think I can remind myself of my purpose and the desired result I’m working towards, rather than what challenge the confrontation poses.
Thanks for that!
@Haider- Great (read twisted) minds curse alike!
I have confidence on my self but sometimes if someone told me about my bad things or talking about related things which are relating to me then I have lose my confidence at that time. But this information will help to increase my confidence level and remove lack of confidence from the certain areas when I feel very uncomfortable.
Excellent article! I truly believe in times of great challenges, we would always know the right thing to do. It’s in our instinct. And as humans it’s our instinct to fight. But if our gut tells us to run, just run like Buffy (yes, Buffy the Vampire Slayer) And I think she has a point. Running away doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a coward. But it means you’re finding a better position to attack your problem. In a burning building, you do not run towards the fire, you find a way around it.
I’m also dealing with a lot of insecurities in my life, and it’s not something you get over with in just a day. It’s a process. Try and teach yourself to recognize your strengths and reward yourself. For my case, I guess I’ve always been too hard on myself and I easily get disappointed, and I fear failing too much.
For those struggling as I am, I read this great article that helped me a lot: http://budurl.com/9nh7
All, I think your replies have given me some great perspective on the topic. I try to learn as much as possible from the feedback as I can.
Big take-away from this for me is the need to build in purpose and self esteem into the front end of my model. If you all notice, we touched on that a bit in each case.
Purpose gives confidence the format and context to exist and grow.
Self Esteem gives the roots of confidence something to dig into and grow from.
How else would we know what situations to engage in, or to wave off? How else would we believe we are worthy to seek confidence to begin with?
Great learning and growing experience for me by talking with you guys. Thank you very much!
@Anthony-glad to have helped. Remember, this is the discomfort zone, so if you come out here and face those things that make you uncomfortable, you can experience things in a more desirable way when the work is done!
A post close to my heart ;)
I don’t tend to use visualisation with my clients, because people who lack confidence find it incredibly difficult to think confidently, and therefore the visualisation gets clouded really easily. I like to do some foundation work first that shows them they have confidence, then they’re better able to connect to it.
Totally agree on the practice thing – it’s about making deliberate choices and deliberately practicing. That’s the only way.
As for me, when I find my confidence challenged (as it has been recently) I ask myself “What would I do if this was just the universe testing me to see what I’m made of?”. Works every time.
@Steve- While I admit that for some people the visualizations can be difficult, I still work very hard to build and facilitate them through the process.
Having trained people who have sustained physical and mental abuse through the process of personal defense, I find it important to use 3 dimensional process.
Mental, emotional, and physical stimulus all working toward the goal of confidence seems to break down this barrier, and produce a lasting effect.
I fully agree with you that the more challenging the client, the more they need all three to pass this hurdle. It is why my applications are face to face for the most part. I sought out Tim to bring to my courses what you espouse with your post. (I generally operate in extreme cases, but wanted a more holistic approach)
I like the universe testing question also. I will credit you every time I ask myself, or someone else (if you don’t mind).
Cheers!
Mike,
Something I’m trying to explore and have found extremely useful is the idea of living according to a self-image. We have a certain impression of ourselves that we act on. We are constantly ask ourselves: “If I was me (i.e. my self-image), what would I do?”
I wrote a lengthy article on the subject, and realized how our self-image is only an illusion, and that we are open to a much wider set of possibilities. Immediately I felt liberated and was able to make better decisions in the situations that confronted me, because I wasn’t tied down to a negative impression of myself I felt obliged to follow.
I didn’t say to myself: “I’m not good in social events, might as well keep quiet.” Instead, I would say: “Look, there are interesting people around you, strike up a few conversations!” (without holding or using an opinion about myself or my abilities)
But I soon drifted back to the same self-image-based thinking pattern (what am I like? And how should I behave?), and – again – found it challenging to muster the needed emotions to deal with situations properly.
Now my challenge is finding a way for me to truly abandon self-image-thinking for good.
I am new to this blog so i will keep my comments short but I have found that fear is very simply overcome by the question “Do I have any other viable choice?” If the answer is no, then I really put it aside and press on. With my first child I learned alot about continuing forward in the face of fear. It has stood me well in business and it actually makes me look committed and decisive, when actually I just don’t see any other option.
@ Haider- That’s a great reinforcement of “as if” as I know it. I like to use that type of thinking when I am setting up for presentations, or going outside my comfort zone.
Dr. Al Siebert places self image on par with self esteem and self confidence for achieving high levels of Resiliency. He goes so far as to call them the “Gatekeepers”. Ever consider linking the three together rather than just referring to self image? I tried this after meeting Tim a couple of years ago, and coupled with our work, I started to see a big change in my “quiet mind”. Less concern for the whims of one of the 3, because the other two kept me centered. Took a while, but seems to be the norm for me now.
Even if you revert back from time to time, the brain can be convinced with enough practice (in context of course)anything can become your new reality. Cool conversation! Thanks.
@Joanne- I have nothing but respect for the courage many parents must possess when dealing with reality for their children’s sake. I know that often times decisions made for our kids take the utmost courage, and force us to focus on “what comes next”.
What I hope to accomplish with my coaching effort is to give you the ability to choose when most people see no choice at all.
Running from fear is natural, but doesn’t always lead us to our best life. Pressing through fear because we don’t see any other choice may get the job done (sometimes well, sometimes not), but might leave our performance a touch short, or result in undesirable outcomes.
My goal, and the focus of what I try to help people achieve, is to help people look at their fear, recognize it for what it is, and create a challenge mindset that aligns “toward” functions of the brain with more empowering physiology. ie, The right mindset in dealing with fear can lessen the cortisol/norepinepherine/adrenal response (fight/flight chemicals), and make way for Oxytocin, Dopamine, and testosterone (positive emotional stimulants, cognitive, thinking enhancers)
Joanne, I only look at training from one fundamental measure. To take the obstacles in the way of your desired performance, and help you navigate to the result you want. Sometimes that is flight, sometimes that is fight, sometimes it is just to stop and think. The key is that the fear doesn’t make your decision, you do. Does that make sense? My response isnt intended to make you less correct, but to add tools to your toolbox for fear management.
Cheers!
@ Joanne and Steve – I like both of those suggestions, thanks.
[...] Tim Brownson had a guest post that talked about confidence and fear. Click here to check it out. The guest author went crazy overboard giving a ton of value in his [...]
[...] Tim Brownson had a guest post that talked about confidence and fear. Click here to check it out. The guest author went crazy overboard giving a ton of value in his [...]