I am still chilling after returning from a weekends meditation retreat. It was an amazing experience that I look forward to sharing with you later this week.
In the meantime I am grateful to Eduard Ezeanu for supplying me with today’s guest post……
Show me a person who constantly compares themselves to others and concerns themselves with being better than others, and I’ll show you a person who isn’t enjoying life nearly as much as they could.
And, counter-intuitively, they’re probably not very successful in life either
Now, don’t get me wrong: comparison can sometimes be good. After all, we at times do compete with others for limited resources, and it’s useful to know where we stand in contrast.
The problem is that many of us compare ourselves to others in an excessive and faulty manner, which ends up taking much more value out of our life than it brings. This is why it’s important to get a grip on this mental process. I’d like to show you how.
How Comparison Goes Astray And Chokes Happiness
I have this theory, based on evolutionary psychology, which states that our minds are not hardwired to handle well the kind of interpersonal comparisons that we can make today. And this is what can make them a major source of frustration.
You see, for more than 95% of our existence, we human beings lived in small bands and tribes of anywhere between 20 and 150 people.
In such a context, if you contrasted, let’s say, your hunting skills to those of others and concluded there are 50 better hunters than you, it probably meant you were one of the worst hunters in the tribe.
Today, you could be one of the very best professionals in your field and still meet 50 professionals who are even better than you in your very city. But it doesn’t mean that much anymore. Because there are hundreds or thousands of them in your city and you’re still one of the best.
However, your mind processes this conclusion the same way it would have 50.000 years ago, it makes it seem like you are terrible at your job since there are so many others who are better than you, and thus it makes you feel alarmed.
There’s more. In a hunter-gather society, the differences in returns that your skills brought were not that big. The best hunter of the tribe would only bring home slightly more meat on average than a mediocre hunter.
Today, small differences in skills can create major differences in returns. You can be in the top 5% of the professionals in your filed, and earn 5 times more than the average professional, but the professionals in the top 1% may earn 5 times more than you.
Our minds aren’t very good at interpreting such a big difference and it sees it as reason for panic. Although in practice, you’re still in the top 5%, and you enjoy a very good life financially as a result.
Putting Your Thinking Straight
So, what does all of this mean for you?
It means that you need to consciously interpret the findings of comparing yourself to others in a rational and up to date manner, thus correcting the outdated way that your minds interprets them instinctively.
Plain and simple, if you want to be a lot happier, you need to stop making a big deal out of the fact that you’ll find many people who are better than you in some regard, and some people who are a lot better than you.
A coaching client was recently telling me that he saw the movie The Social Network, he realized how much Mark Zuckerberg achieved at such a young age in contrast to his own achievements, and started feeling depressed.
Doh! That’s what happens when you compare yourself to one of the co-founders of Facebook and expect yourself to match his performances.
But let’s face it: not all of us can be Mark Zuckerberg. Note all of us will build a multibillion dollar company in our 20′s. And that is fine. We don’t have to either.
Deliberately look at your strengths and achievements, flaws and failures in a reasonable way, get some perspective, and you’ll be much happier with yourself and your life. I believe that, no matter who you are, you have plenty of motives to be so.
Reducing Activities That Encourage Interpersonal Comparison
Besides thinking reasonably when you make interpersonal comparisons, it’s also very useful to cut down the amount of interpersonal comparisons you make. One of the best ways I know to do this is by cutting down on the activities that naturally trigger such assessments.
For instance, when you hang around people while they gossip, even if you don’t gossip with them, you just listen, your mind will impulsively compare you to the people you hear about in the process. That’s why it’s wise to avoid interactions with compulsive gossipers.
After all, have you ever met a compulsive gossiper who is content with themselves?
No? Now you know why.
Speaking of Facebook, spending big amounts of time on social media websites and learning about other people’s achievements, their relationships, the places they visit and so on frequently triggers the same comparison impulse. So, don’t do it!
Take a good look at the activities you do recurrently and identify the ones that stimulate you to compare yourself to others. Even if many times you come out on top when doing so, a lot of interpersonal comparison is toxic. Which is why it’s best to cut down on these activities once you’ve recognized them.
Becoming Self-Referenced
Another great approach regarding comparison is what I call becoming self-referenced.
This means you set your owns standards of performance in all areas of life, based on what seems right for you, and then you compare your results to your own standards instead of comparing them to the results of others around you.
I find this to be much more healthy, motivating and fulfilling. It gives you an internal compass instead of an external one, and this compass always points you in the right direction.
I’m a definite ectomorph. I’m skinny, I have long, thin bones and it’s very hard for me to put on weight (muscle mass included).
So when it comes to building and maintaining muscle mass, it doesn’t make sense for me to aim to be buff as a wrestler, just because some guys look like that. Given my genetics, for me it implies too much effort, and the benefits are simply not worth it. Thus, I set my own standards in this area and as long as I adhere to them, I am perfectly happy.
There is a lot of power in being self-referenced. Decide for yourself and establish your own standards. Then whenever you find yourself comparing yourself to others out of habit, stop it and shift to comparing yourself to your own standards.
Your impulses concerning interpersonal comparison do require some management. The good news is that as you practice the ideas I discussed, you build positive thinking and behavior habits, which steadily replace the negative ones.
As you do so, you become more relaxed, you feel right about the things you aim for and you stop wasting mental energy in making pointless assessments. You accomplish more and you become significantly happier with yourself and your life. This much I can promise you.
Bio
Eduard Ezeanu helps others gain confidence, leverage their strengths, be more social and get the most out of life using proven psychological tools. He posts daily tips and advice on Twitter and Facebook as @artofconfidence
I love this post. I teach high school English (9th grade) and see young girls doing this to themselves all the time. On top of this, some of those girls are hurting others in order to make themselves feel better, possibly leading to a vicious cycle of depression, cutting, drug abuse, and suicide. The “Becoming Self-Referenced” section is awesome. I love this way of thinking. The world would be such a happier place.
Hey Laura,
Yeah, high-school students are particularly prone to comparing themselves to others. It’s a part of finding their own identity but most overdo it by a long shot. They could sure use our help in learning to become more self-referenced.
It should actually be taught in schools, that comparison is futile imho!
I know Laura it’s depressing isn’t it?
And the way the media exploits peoples inherent insecurities is depressing at best.
I love the concept of “self-referencing”. I have never heard it put that way – it’s quite beautiful (sorry to get all emotional on you!).
When I was younger I would often compare myself to others. In time, I was forced that was a losing battle as their failures became my success… Which isn’t a very good way to live.
I’ll be sharing this on my Facebook page. Very cool!
Lol, no worries bud, you have a good sob ;-)
Thanks for sharing and thanks to Eduard for sending me such an accomplished post!
I love that concept Izzy. Pretty powerful, I think. It’s worth getting emotional over it :) And my pleasure Tim.
I have done this way too much in my life, always comparing myself to the best which sometimes inspired me and a lot of times made me think “that is impossible, i’ll never get there”.
I still catch myself in it at times, but when I am able to stop that and look back and see how far I’VE come instead, I feel much happier about my achievements!
-Ben
I think we’ve pretty much all done it from time to time Ben. It’s recognizing that fact and making adjustments as you have done that’s important.
That’s the really important part in my view. Being aware of it and then stopping it. I find that it takes a lot of useless weight off my shoulders. And I’m a thin guy, I don’t handle weight well :)
I think the comparison thing goes beyond simply comparing yourself with those who actually are better than you. It is easy to also reach totally inaccurate conclusions about one’s own level of competence, achievement etc.
So somebody you are comparing yourself to does something that you don’t know how to do, like tile his bathroom for example. The inner dialogue starts – “Wow, laddo there tiled his bathroom, I could never do that. He is my uncontested superior. I suck. I should assume the foetal position right now.”
I don’t take account of the things that I can do that he can’t, the fact that he probably didn’t know how to tile before he tiled his bathroom and perhaps the fact that he did a really awful job of it. The game is rigged by my own mind from the outset.
But beyond that is the question of comparing oneself to others at all. I think we ( I ) do it as an exercise in self castigation. Even self referenced comparison is a potentially bad habit. Self talk about well I am doing something or some particular personal quality would seem to have at its root in a need to shore up a shaky self image. I suppose if one is going to do it, it is best to tilt the game in one’s favor but a better idea is to play another game.
Cheers,
Ed.
I agree Ed. It’s like when people compare themselves to those in the public eye and think they must leave charmed lives, when in reality they may be miserable and empty. We simply have no way of knowing.
I’m not necessarily 100% on board with the second part, although I see where you are coming from. There is positive comparison and negative comparison where we merely look to confirm what we already think i.e. we suck.
The other problem is that in comparing ourselves to ourselves we aren’t even comparing oranges to oranges as may seem, because our performance will peak and dip depending on many external and internal considerations beyond our control.
Eduard
I am a late reader who wants to thank you for the insights and and wisdom you shared. When I am focused on goal achievement I’m using comparisons of my own performance highs and lows based on the various factors that are at play in the given circumstances. That helps me determine where I’m at and how to get one step closer to where I want to be. In that scenario there is no comparison to others. I know what I am capable of, I know what factors either assist me to get to my goal or hinder me, I know when a chnage of direction must be made or even when it’s time to abandon and goal and replace it with a another.
I use the same approach with the kids in may art groups. They are encouraged to be focused on achieving their own personal best, rather than competitively comparing their accomplishments to others.
I think it would be a wonderful if we all chose to raise kids, who excelled at being self-referencing cooperators rather than cut throat competitors. However, making that shift in a capitalist dog eat dog society is not an easy one. I see that reflected in the feedback from the parents, some of whom could be best characterized as soccer moms and hockey dads.
Two sets of parents removed their kids from my tutelage because they thought I was “holding them back” when the kids themselves chose no to enter their art into exhibitions that had money prizes. Did I mention that the kids are under the age of 10 tender years and they did not want to leave?
There are few things that make me bristle as much as parents being competitive on behalf of the kids and trying to live vicariously through them.
I know they *think* they are doing the best for them but they seldom are.
Self Confidence is something that a life coach can not necessarily create in a client. Life’s experiences are important in the success of any given case.
I’d go further than that Meredith and say self confidence is something that a Life Coach can NEVER create in a client.
Confidence is internal and comes from many different things. A coach can help coax it out because it is ALWAYS there under the surface, but that’s about all.
I belong to a gym and it has been very surprising to me that women that are perfectly lovely in appearance and personality are so hard on themselves regarding their appearance. We are all 40 or older so we are presumably not fighting for mates. To me it doesn’t really matter that much what my body looks like. It matters what I can do with it. As long as I am gaining function with my efforts I am very pleased.
The day I slipped on the ice and went down into a deep lunge and popped back up I ran around telling everybody. A new dress and some makeup just isn’t going to compare to that.
LOL, excellent point Cindy and good for you!
With the bases loaded you srctuk us out with that answer!