If you’re a regular here you will know I’m the master of misery, the guru of gloom and the sage of sorrow. I wrote the book (and recorded the video) on How To Be Miserable and even How To Be Even More Miserable. I modestly like to think my expertise is unparalleled and I could pluck melancholy out of the most joyous and fortuitous of occasions with consummate ease..
Imagine my horror then when a post dropped on my desk (virtually speaking of course) suggesting people could transfer their misery into their marriage. My first thought was to plagiarize it, delete it and deny any knowledge of ever seeing it, but then I thought, no! If I have a brother-in-arms to spread the misery message, then so be it.
And so it came to pass that today my good friend Corey from Simple Marriage has a guide for you to turn a successful relationship into a disastrous one. It probably won’t happen overnight, but if you follow his sensible and thoughtful advice, you too can have a relationship that will keep The National Enquirer in headlines for months, maybe even years to come.
How To Be Miserably In Marriage, Or Any Relationship For That Matter
Go to your local bookstore and search the shelves for as many save your relationship books as you can find. You’ll likely come across more than 100 titles.
So with all the information out there regarding how to have a successful marriage, what makes the principles so hard to incorporate and apply?
To be fair, there is no definitive formula that everyone can follow to discover a marriage out of this world. Marriage and relationships are not that simple.
But if you want some sure fire ways to fail miserably in your marriage, follow these simple steps:
1. Complain. Constantly whine and complain about the events in your life. Complain to everyone about everything. To further increase the odds of failure, turn your complaining into personal attacks of your partner’s character. I’m sure they’ll love it.
2. Live in a cluttered home. Nothing adds to the stress level of a marriage like a cluttered home. It’s disorganized and chaotic. Save everything possible. After all, that receipt you have from 1997 may be needed for this year’s tax return.
3. Complicate things. Stated another way, over think everything. Most things in life are not all that complicated but do everything you can to make the decision on what to have for dinner as complicated as possible.
4. Have a busy schedule. Work, kids, school, friends, family, housework, social activities, travel, and on it goes. Cram as many things into life as you possibly can. Then, don’t enjoy the things you’re committed to because you’re worrying about the next thing on the list. Pretty soon you’ll turn around and be facing retirement isolated from your loved ones. Won’t that be lovely?
5. Be too close to each other. Every relationship begins with the desire to be as close as possible. You think about them all the time. You scheme ways to be together. As your relationship progresses, do everything you can to remain this close. Smother your spouse. Don’t allow them to chart their own way in life. Work to make your spouse your emotional siamese twin, joined at the emotional hip. Unable to act independently from you, thus ensuring you’ll be forever together and in love.
6. Spend no time alone. When you get married, your spouse’s outside world should disappear. You should be each other’s only social outlets.
7. Always insist you are right. Never, ever admit you could be wrong about anything. If you feel you may be losing an argument, make up some obscure un-Googleable facts to back you up. If that doesn’t work, head quickly for the high moral ground and say your not prepared to talk about the matter for a moment longer.
8. Be overly-controlling. Even though this may come across as manipulative, assume your spouse has no idea what to do in their life and make every decision for them. After all, you know what’s best in every situation, right?
9. Triangulate your children (pardon the psychobabble for a moment). In families, whenever a need or desire is not met by one of the members, often another person is recruited to fulfill it. For example, you don’t get all the attention you wish from your spouse so you dive into your kid’s world. With this principle in mind, bring the kids into the marriage relationship as often as possible. Allow them to be privy to every adult decision and financial difficulty that comes along. Live vicariously through your children. Not only will you end up as a stranger to your spouse after the kids move out, you’ll increase the likelihood that your kids will continue the same pattern in their relationships.
10. Dive into the media. Believe everything the media reports without question. That way you can view this world as an incredibly horrible place to live. Plus, if you follow the above suggestions, you’ll be able to convince your spouse of this as well.
If you’d rather read about how to experience a better marriage and life, check out Corey’s new book ‘A Simple Marriage’. It’s available at, amazingly enough, Simple Marriage.
If you are a blogger or solopreneur wanting to take things to the next level. I have 2 places remaining in May for this offer. You’be silly not to ;-)
I love it! In my year of online reading, I don’t think I’ve ever once come across a guide to how to be miserable in your marriage. Any combination of these ten ought to just about do it though.
Funny and awesome. Great job Corey and Tim.
Writer Dads last blog post..My Daughter Danced For Me
Wow, Corey, I had no idea there was a name for the behavior in #9.
People can ‘triangulate’ their children, even if they have no spouse. (Especially if they have no spouse!)
Hayden Tompkinss last blog post..Confessions of A Mermaid
I think I must be super awesome because I managed to do all that in my first marriage without any help from Corey and Tim! And I was only 21 years old! A prodigy!
In all seriousness 2. Live in a cluttered home is so true. Our house is often messy and chaotic and it seems like everything is just worse until we get it ship shape again.
Tracys last blog post..Five Things I’m Addicted To
What a great post! I love the humorous style of this website, and this post in particular. I’d just like to point out that even without a spouse or significant other, these tips will surely help you be miserable all by yourself. In fact, if followed closely enough, you can virtually guarantee that you’ll never find anyone to be miserable with! Double-win!
Jay Schryers last blog post..The First Swim of Summer
Awesome! Now I’ll have an excuse for not cleaning: “Oh, I’m trying to make our marriage as miserable as possible.” It’s nice to have something to tell the 10 strangers who come over every night so that we don’t have to talk to each other.
Mrs. Micahs last blog post..Why You Could Not Pay Me Enough to Film My Life
Btw, I ran across this earlier today on OverHeard Everywhere and thought it was appropriate: Quality Time.
Mrs. Micahs last blog post..Why You Could Not Pay Me Enough to Film My Life
Loved it!
Gennas last blog post..Communication is Key for a Happy Mother’s Day
After 38 years of trying to make our marriage more miserable, I had thought I had found and used all the tricks. But this post has a couple that I hadn’t thought about. I need to get busy and implement them right away! Thanks, Corey!
Another misery-making tip might be to belittle your spouse at every opportunity, especially in front of others. Make them feel that their every thought and action is idiotic and laughable. It will make sure that their self-esteem and trust in their own actions is always at a low ebb so you can step in and lead them around by the nose.
Shutting down communication works great, too. Talk with your spouse all you want about the weather or the news, but shut down any communication between you about important matters such as your inner selves or your relationship. Week-long communication blackouts to celebrate an argument are particularly effective.
I could go on, but I need to go complain to my wife!
“How to be Miserable in Marriage” is a scream! I thought that people could make each other’s life miserable without coaching. It is much more difficult to save a marriage from disaster than to hurl it into the disaster zone. My recently published novel, “Getting Enough,” illustrates this. It tells the story of a mangled marital and sexual relationship that manages to heal itself against almost insurmountable odds. Once the two main characters stop demonizing one another and start viewing each other as vulnerable human beings in desperate need of tenderness and understanding, they begin to fall in love for the first time in their 26 years of marriage! For more information, kindly access this website: http://www.strategicbookpublishing.com/GettingEnough.html.
All the best
Leonard Rosmarin
[...] fellow bloggers who helped me spread the word throughout this past week (Leo of Zen Habits, Tim of The Discomfort Zone, Hayden of Through the Illusion, Tyler of Building Camelot, Stacey of Create a Balance, Tsh of [...]
I tend to keep out of the comments somewhat with guest writers, but I just wanted to thank you all for chiming in!
Also a big thanks to Corey for writing the post!
@ Leonard – I have to say that is the most brazen pieces of self-promotion I have ever had in the comments on this blog. I laughed may ass off, hence I didn’t delete it ;-)
Great points Corey. I would like to add, encourage your dysfunctional parents to move 3 houses up the street. This has been a huge factor that has brought us both to a new level. He he he. I’m dealing with it really pretty well. Really better than the hub and they are HIS parents. I just don’t answer the phone or the door. Pretending they aren’t there is a great thing.
[...] recently wrote a guest post for The Discomfort Zone about how to be miserable in marriage – but this advice applied to marriage as a whole. This time I [...]
Corey, thanks for your interesting perspective. An interesting look into marriage and how to make it fail. Scary and funny. Thanks.
Jake | Revive Your Lifes last blog post..Identifying and Overcoming Career Burnout
My definition of most marriages (or “inseparable” couples in general): two people stubbornly believing in the mathematical formula that two minus give one plus!
If you don’t enjoy solitude – your own company – what makes you think anyone else will?
To paraphrase Nietzsche, if you deprive me of my solitude, you’d better offer me damn good company!
Since I can’t earn Tim’s admiration by following Leonard’s priceless example of self-promotion and advertise my own book (I haven’t gotten around to that yet), please indulge me advertising someone else’s: “Solitude: A Return to the Self” by Anthony Storr
Hey Tim, if you want to admire me for anything else, be my guest and feel free to come up with something! Before I forget it, I had a really good time leaving my own company in order to join you on this blog! Thanks for the guffaws and the food for thought!
I was looking for insightful advice and I FOUND IT in a nutshell !
While I view negativity as poison, in this case it’s used as an effective antidote. Well done !
Given that George’s comment was, at least in part, meant for me: You’re more than welcome!
In case it was not: Kudos anyway on your “poison – antidote” analogy!
Either way, I’m experienced in walking on the less-traveled proverbial thin ice. What else is there to do for an individualist (in the truest sense of the term: a person who pursues independent thought and action) in times where nearly everybody is virtually obsessed with relationships, especially of the romantic persuasion? Lest I should be completely misunderstood: Not that I’m against romantic relations per se – au contraire mes chers amis – but I have to admit that my feelings in this regard are somewhat ‘ambivalent’ … a term once aptly defined as the emotions you are likely to experience while watching your mother-in-law drive over a cliff – in your new car.
Fantastic post. I’m always amazed at how people set themselves up for failure and then wonder incredulously about why things aren’t working. Luckily there are some things people can do to move in different directions, namely the opposite of the points you list.
I suppose the biggest challenge is for people to take the first step and give themselves the chance to practice some new approaches. The payoff is they get to live wonderful, happy lives and enjoy each other’s company.
Take care,
Guy
Guy Farmers last blog post..Heal before You Move On