I’m no Law of Attraction believer, but it was rather cool and spooky this weekend when I was thinking:
“I’d really like to have to take Sunday and Monday off and spend it with my wife, but I’d also like to publish a blog post”
In fact I was just on the verge of starting to write one when I get sent a guest post ready to plug and play!
Coincidence, or was the Universe conspiring on my behalf?
I’ll let you decide, although to be honest if it were going to bother conspiring at all I wish it could conspire for something a bit bigger next time, say a small Caribbean Island?
Today’s guest poster is my first anonymous poster and cannot leave his real name because of one of the following:
- He’s in some form of ex-employer dispute
- He knows people really will be trying to sue him for a lack of originality (see below)
- He’s Batman
The answer is at the end, but don’t tell him I blew his cover and for our purposes today we shall call him Cloud Stepper.
Confidence – How I Went From Zero To Hero in 4 Easy Steps
Would you like to be more confident?
In a moment I’ll describe my own personal recipe for boosting your self esteem.
It’s a sweet recipe which contains plenty of sugary energy, some tough iron and a fair sprinkling of nuts.
Disclaimer:
This post probably isn’t going to blow you away with originality, but repetition is the mother of mastery and lot’s of people don’t apply this stuff, so read it and apply it.
I’m not guaranteeing these techniques will work for you. They worked for me and hopefully you’ll find them helpful too. If this isn’t good enough, please sue me.
Instead, I recommend you see which bits of my story resonate with you, and just ignore the bits you’re less keen on.
We’re all individual, you special little snowflake!
Oh and yes, these techniques also take practice. So if you’re after a miracle cure to suddenly make yourself into Mr/Miss Perfect for your date tonight, you’ve come to the wrong place.
Please don’t do what most people will do – don’t just read this article, feel slightly enlightened for 5 minutes and then forget all about it.
Make the effort to try these techniques. I think you’ll start noticing a difference after just a week or two of persistent practice.
Confidence is something everyone wants, and dozens of books have been written about it, yet strangely many people still find it hard to obtain.
Frankly, that’s because most of the advice out there is shit.
When we’re teenagers, we’re encouraged to, “Just be confident,” and “Believe in yourself“.
But this is like a rally driver handing over the keys of his highly tuned racing machine to someone who’s never been behind the wheel before and saying, “Just drive! It’s obvious“.
I used to suffer from social anxiety a lot (Tims note: That link takes you to a page where you can download my free book on dealing with social anxiety).
It’s a common problem. I used to turn down parties and nights out because I just felt too worried and anxious in front of other people.
As a natural introvert, I had to build myself up to being sociable. I found that socializing drained my energy quickly, and after a while I’d need to be alone again to recharge my batteries.
But since mastering the techniques I’m about to tell you, I no longer feel quite so introverted. I look forward to socializing and parties. I feel comfortable with small talk (even though I still find it slightly awkward at times). I feel far more relaxed around other people.
Surely that’s something everyone wants?
Now, I hate personal development articles which are full of padding and could make their point in a quarter of the words. So let’s cut to the chase – which techniques have helped me be more confident?
1 – Stop Giving A Shit About What Other People Think
Matthew Kimberley’s excellent book, “How To Get A Grip” (al) really hammered this point home for me.
I’m not a mind reader and I don’t have a crystal ball. Most of the time I haven’t got a clue about what other people really think about me.
Yet I used to torture myself by worrying about how I was perceived. My advice – stop caring.
To you, this may sound unthinkable and maybe a tad ridiculous. But bear in mind it’s given a huge boost to my happiness, well-being and confidence.
So… approach it with an open mind. Just tell yourself, “I don’t give a shit what X thinks about me any more. And I never did understand why his parents were so cruel to name him after a letter of the alphabet. Poor guy”
It takes practice and persistence, and it’s a slow gradual process, but after a few months I think you’ll realize it was worthwhile.
2 – Stop Criticizing Yourself
This self help gem has been around since the dawn of time, yet I used to be one of those people that found this technique easy to know but much harder to do. So many of us persist in beating ourselves up constantly.
So here’s my advice – JUST. STOP. IT…. PERIOD! Every time you catch yourself criticizing yourself, just tell yourself you’re not going to do that any more.
No need to make a big deal out of it, just let it go.
Release that inner criticism like it’s a helium balloon that a parent at a toddler’s birthday party unwisely placed in the hands of their 3 year old.
Strangely, after a while you’ll feel like it’s you that’s getting lighter.
3 – Pat Yourself On The Back
Thanks to Tim, I’m a firm believer in the power of aligning with your core values.
But for me there’s something even deeper and more powerful than values.
For me, it’s a powerful primeval force, like the sea smashing against rocks or a red hot lava flow.
Here it is: In everything I do, I want to feel proud of myself.
Tims Note: Sounds like a strong core value of ‘pride’ to me ;-)
Now, I’m not that keen on affirmations myself. They just feel a bit fake to me and hard to believe.
However, I definitely think it’s worth watching out for opportunities when you’ve done a good job. There’s no need to go overboard with self-praise, remember it has to feel believable.
For example, this morning I just finished painting a the fence in our back garden. So I just took 5 seconds to say to myself, “Well done, you’ve done a good job“.
This made me smile, feel instantly happier, and over time it boosts my confidence
4 – Lean Into Your Discomfort
Again, this is some really common advice which many people still fail to practice:
“What we resist, persists”
Doing meditation has helped me to get better at just accepting things as they are, without grasping after positive feelings or resisting negative ones.
Instead, I try to “Just be” and sit with those uncomfortable feelings. Paradoxically, by practicing acceptance in this way, those negative fears and worries become far less bothersome. It’s really cool!
So, if there are certain situations, people or events you’ve been avoiding, I’d recommend you face that fear head on and start actively putting yourself in the situations you’d most like to avoid.
Start small, and remember not to be hard on yourself if you don’t turn into a social butterfly overnight!
When you combine this idea with the other 3 techniques above, you start to increase your tolerance levels for those unpleasant situations.
You start to believe that maybe the things you felt uncomfortable about actually aren’t so bad after all.
Remember, all these techniques take time, practice and patience with yourself. But they’re worth it!
Please try them out, and if they work for you, I’d love it if you left a comment below. I’d also love to hear from people about their own personal recipes for confidence.
What works for you? Let me know in the comments below.
I don’t give a damn if this isn’t original! LOL
It got me what I needed to hear in 4 steps. Thanks Tim!
I think I’ve already started with 1, 2, and 3 without even thinking about it.
Hi Glori, I’m glad you found my post useful. Good luck putting it into practice.
Yeh Rob did a good job, and you’re right because there’s very little new in self development. We just need reminded from time to time, even Life Coaches ;-)
Tim, you *totally* manifested this blog post!! ;o)
Great advice. I’ve started doing all this stuff, strangely in pretty much the order they’re posted – most recently, acceptance of what is which is phenomenally powerful. Thumbs up from me.
Yay, glad you like it, Lisa!
Re: acceptance, yeah I know, it’s amazingly powerful, isn’t it. And to think I used to think these kind of ideas were just for new age hippies!
(To everyone else, if I’m Batman then Lisa’s my Robin. Or maybe even Batgirl! Which outfit do you prefer, Lisa?)
Don’t go there Lisa ;-)
Hi Glori, I’m glad you found my post useful. Good luck putting it into practice.
Haha, if you’re Batman, I’m Wonderwoman!
Stop it Lisa, I’m getting excited!
Thanks a lot to Batman, er I mean Cloud Stepper for supplying an excellent post with impeccable timing!
I can’t claim any credit, it was all the Universe’s doing. BTW, I had a quick word with the Overlord of the Andromeda Galaxy. He says your Carribean island is on its way. But he did warn that could be in a parallel universe you’ll never see. String Theory, it’s a bitch!
Don’t worry I have a book on string theory and I’m building my own worm hole.
Great suggestions… and totally agree that just because we “know” something already doesn’t mean we don’t need reminding.
As a person with a lifelong preference for RUNNING THE HELL AWAY from discomfort rather than leaning into it, I still have a ways to go. I’m just pleased when I can hang out in the same room as discomfort for a while before deciding to back slowly away. And every now and then… voila! Turns out the icky thing I was afraid of was all pumped up in my imagination and I can even lean into it a little.
Hey Jan. Yep, I think the lack of “doing” (vs “knowing”) is the self-help field’s biggest problem!
I know exactly what you mean about our imaginations. Procrastination is similar – often the task we’ve been avoiding tends to be much simpler, easier and less painful than we’d imagined!
Excellent post!
You had me at, “Stop giving a shit about what people think.” I find that to be the most useful mental exercise anyone can practice daily. I usually say, don’t take it personal. I like your Carlin like delivery.
You’re right about repetition creating mastery. You’re also right when you say most people don’t start. It’s the enigma that keeps the self help industry thriving.
Keep spreading the message. It doesn’t matter if it’s entirely original. Say it in a way that makes people take action. That’s all that matters.
Lonnie, thank you! As Batman, I often find that a quiet word with people in which I threaten extreme violence often results in them taking immediate and drastic action.
Hello Anonymous person :)
I really liked number 2. Stop Criticizing yourself. I used to criticize myself, but then I finally realized that I was using my criticism as a cop out. It was as if as long as I insulted myself than I wasn’t acutally accountable for doing anything about it.
Of course, I have moments when I get a little bit on my case but it is pretty minimal. Now, rather than complaining about it I just work on finding a solution. I always remind myself “Izzy you chose to do this, now you know you need to change it”. Then I focus on the solution.
Hey Izzy. That’s a really good point about criticism being a form of cop-out. Of course, it doesn’t feel like a cop-out at the time, it seems perfectly reasonable! I think it’s great that you’ve got the insight to call BS on your own thoughts. It’s a rare and valuable skill.
Fabulous and spot on! Remember all those guys who wear their undies on the outside conquer their fears and are AWESOME!
Thanks Sara. I can officially confirm that Batman goes commando at all times, except for when hosting guests at Wayne Manor (dammit, just gave away my true identity!).
Tim, Hi! You take very few guest post on this blog but I’ve to admit, the once you take are some of the most thoughtful ideas one can murmur in the brain whole day long. I believe each one of these and practice them.
I’ve adopted one very simple self confidence technique that may or may not work with everybody. When I am working, I just shut myself from distractions. When we start working, we have these comparative analysis going on in our mind all the time..That stuff is better than me…I am not as good as that, I am nowhere near that thing..etc etc..so..don’t compare until you complete the work. Definitely, there are going to be differences even after your work is done but at least you will know what changes to make and what new things to adopt instead of grossing your distraction as better than you.
Nice post Cloud Stepper. It is because of those wonderful people like you out there that help us change and stay motivated to our work. thanks.
Jaky, be careful. If my superhero head expands too much from all the praise, I will no longer fit through doorways, compromising my crime-fighting ability.
Thank you for your kind words. I definitely agree with the power of removing distractions. In these days of ubiquitous connectivity, it’s especially important to take time to “disconnect” occasionally.
I do only take good stuff Jaky because I have a duty of care to you guys to supply useful information and not bombard you with crap.
I like no 3 best, give yourself a pat on the back and a say out loud “well done you!”. I catch myself doing that every now and then and you’re so right, it does bring a smile and a feeling of well being that lasts as long as you let it. As they say, there is nothing new under the sun, but, you can add your stamp of originality by injecting some of yourself in the way you share it, you did that. Thanks for great read, (and Tim, I agree with Lisa, you did so totally manifest this blog post and hope you had a great couple of days with your dear wife :)) Mary-Ann
Hi Mary-Ann. Yeah, it’s so easy going through life forgetting to take credit for the cool stuff we achieve each day. It’s a nice simple way to feel proud of yourself. Additionally, when we start praising ourselves, we rely less on praise from other people, which is a great source of anxiety and unhappiness.
Thanks for these 4 easy steps. Hope this will help me improve my self confidence. Gonna work on this.
Hi Jane. Give it a bash and let me know how you get on! Also, Jaky mentioned in the comments about avoiding comparing ourselves to other people. I would add this as my 5th tip!
A friend of mine keeps beating herself up because she’s 29 and unemployed and feels like she “should” be getting married, settled down, good job, having babies, own home etc. She compares herself continuously to her more “successful” friends. But comparisons suck. Giving them up can add a huge boost to our confidence and happiness.
We need constant reminders of these pointers. We can write them down and stick it where we can see it often.
Get to know yourself, feel the fear, and do it anyway, is my philosophy—and the titles of the three chapters in my book!
Be careful Karlene, I ‘believe’ Leo from Zen Habits got threatened with legal action when he wrote a post called ‘Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway’.
It appears Susan Jeffers grabbed the term all for herself when she wrote the book of the same name.
Great idea to print out reminders. After doing Values work with Tim, I carry round a little reminder in my wallet. When I pull out my cards to make a purchase, I get a nice little reminder.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately…that people seem to like some kind of inspirational speaking, and sometimes that’s all they are looking for. But in the end daily, persistent practice (of the right kind, of course) is what creates true transformation. But our human minds seem to also like those “pick me up” articles from time to time, to keep the fire burning.
Of course, some people (and I used to be highly guilty of this) chase around inspirational articles one after another that give them the “hit” of happiness, only to find true change never occurs, because they haven’t put the work in. There is where point #4 is probably one of the most critical in my experience. It’s where persistence pays off – being with the fear and discomfort, going through it, not around it.
If reading and not acting that were a crime I’d have been given life 10 years ago!
I love the bluntness in “stop giving a shit what others think” Absolutely! Great post by the way! Thanks for the good read.
Cheers Melissa, glad you enjoyed it :) My bluntness and swearing skills are available for hire – weddings, birthdays and other public speaking occasions.