In my last post I asked if it were possible to banish a self-limiting belief in an hour? And after spending way less than an hour talking to Morty Lefkoe, the man that pioneered the Lefkoe Method, I concluded it is.
I’m still unsure if this will work for every person, every time, but I’m convinced that it’s a very cool technique that offers a tremendous amount of value to anybody that wants to use it, not just Life Coaches.
With than in mind I invited Morty to write a guest post so he could share his ideas directly with you and explain the process in more detail.
On Friday I will be speaking with Morty and setting myself up as the Guinea Pig as he runs me through the process again and exposes another limiting belief I didn’t know I had!
I’m hoping to post that next week, so if you want to hear the Life Coach, coached, then either check back or better still sign up to my e-mail feed in the top left box and get the post sent directly to your inbox.
Change Doesn’t Have To Be Difficult
“Change is difficult, everyone knows that!”
This is the response I frequently get when people ask me what I do and I reply that I can help them make fundamental life changes, easily, quickly and permanently.
Why do so many people believe that they have to put in a lot of time and effort, and need a lot of reinforcement, in order to produce a lasting change in their life? This belief comes from the same place all beliefs come from: the meaning we give our experience.
People hold this belief because they have tried unsuccessfully to change a variety of things in their lives, such as eating junk food, not sticking to an exercise program, getting into relationships they know are bad for them, having negative feelings like anger and anxiety, and procrastination.
When I ask clients what they have done to produce change in the past, I get a litany of answers: therapy, books, workshops, hypnosis, EFT, NLP, willpower, support systems, etc.
For people who have spent years trying a variety of techniques to produce a real change in their behavior or feelings, and they haven’t succeeded, it was reasonable for them to conclude:
Change is difficult, if not impossible.
That’s why so many people hold this belief.
That leads us to the obvious question: Why is change so difficult?
Very often we know our current behavior doesn’t make logical sense and is self-defeating. We know what we should do instead. We know the value of change. So why doesn’t all that information and motivation result in change?
People Who Know Reality Through Their Eyes
The answer to this question lies in how we know what we know. The overwhelming majority of people are visual, which means they know the truth about reality because they can see it.
“What do you mean you disagree with me, can’t you see that I’m right? Look at the evidence.”
So if you think you see something out there in the world, it must be true.
When you are eliminating a belief with the Lefkoe Belief Process, there is a place where the facilitator says:
“Imagine being a child and observing the events that led you to form the belief. Doesn’t it seem as if you can see your belief?”
The answer for visual people is always: “Yes, I can see it.” And that is why it is so difficult to get rid of old, limiting beliefs and the behavior they engender: Because we think we saw the belief out there in the world many times.
- When mom and dad are critical, we think we can see I’m not good enough in their comments and behavior.
- When mom and dad aren’t available when we want them, we think we can see I’m not important in their comments and behavior.
- When mom and dad make all the decisions and what we want is ignored, we think we can see I’m powerless in their comments and behavior.
Later in life we use logic and a bunch of other techniques to try to erase the belief. But our subconscious seems to be arguing: Maybe the belief doesn’t make sense, maybe it is self-defeating, maybe the behavior and emotions coming from the belief are ruining my life… but I saw it in the world, so it must be true.
What makes the Lefkoe Belief Process so effective is that it helps people realize that they actually never did see their belief in the world, that what they think they saw was, in fact, only one arbitrary interpretation of a series of events that has only existed in their minds.
For example, not being able to get mom and dad’s attention could mean I’m not important. It also could mean that mom and dad just had poor parenting skills or they felt uncomfortable around kids, and their behavior had nothing to do with my importance.
When we give meaning to events that have no inherent meaning, it seems as if we can see that meaning in the events. Therefore, that meaning (belief) must be true. But, in fact, we don’t discover (see) the meaning in the events, we attribute the meaning to the events.
People Who Know Reality Through Their Feelings
For those people who know the truth through their feelings, earlier in their lives they felt the belief to be true. In other words, whenever mom and dad were critical, they didn’t see I’m not good enough, they felt I’m not good enough.
Why do such people trust their feelings to tell them the truth about reality? Because they think that their feelings are caused by reality, that their feelings tell them something about reality.
For example, if I feel uncomfortable with you and decide not to deal with you any more, why would I act on those feelings? Because I think there is something about you that is causing the feeling, so the feeling must be an accurate reflection of the way you really are.
For such people, using logic or motivation or most other techniques to get rid of beliefs doesn’t work because their subconscious is saying: But I felt (my belief) hundreds of times in the past, so it must be true despite evidence to the contrary right now.
Here the Lefkoe Belief Process helps people to realize that reality didn’t cause them to feel their beliefs; they caused the feeling by giving a particular meaning to the events that appear to cause the feeling.
In other words, the fact that mom and dad were disappointed or angry at you didn’t cause you to feel I’m not good enough. You had to first say that those events meant I’m not good enough before you could feel that.
If you had said instead that mom and dad’s behavior meant:
“Mom and dad have unreasonable expectations of me and their frustration or anger has nothing to do with me, their same behavior would have made you feel that meaning, instead of I’m not good enough.”
So the next time you are trying to change something in your life (or are trying to help a friend change), remember that change without getting rid of the beliefs that cause the current behavior or feelings is almost impossible.
And that change probably is difficult when you are convinced you either saw or felt the belief causing your current behavior or feeling on numerous occasions earlier in life. When you realize you never saw your belief and you caused the feeling, not reality, your belief will just dissolve.
When you know how to produce lasting change, it actually is very quick and easy.
Morty Lefkoe is the creator of The Lefkoe Method, a series of process that enable people to eliminate beliefs and de-condition conditions, thereby making fundamental changes permanently. If you haven’t yet eliminated at least one of your limiting self-esteem beliefs using the Lefkoe Belief Process, go to Recreate Your Life where you can eliminate one limiting belief free.
Note: The above post contains affiliate links and I’m happy to do so because I heartily recommend the Lefkoe Process, but if you’d prefer to click through without the affiliate link, you can do that here.
Tim Brownson is a Certified Life Coach and has been unsticking people and helping them reach their true potential since 2005. If you would like to know how he can help you
Hi Morty and Tim–
Not that your arguments and examples don’t make sense, but many ppl view change as scary b/c they haven’t worked through their negative core beliefs on a deep level. Meaning, the mind and body work. The rational adult, and the inner child–who needs to rewire some of those early negative experiences.
I find most can intellectualize why they are stuck,and why change makes sense, but when it comes to behaving differently, it’s the uncertainty of what’s on the other side that prevents them from changing. Ppl fear that which is unknown…Also, some say they want to change, will pay handsomely for the “assistance,” but we have to look at what they’re “getting” by not changing. All behaviors hold external gains…
Oh, and to end my two cents, I gave up trying to help friends change a long time ago…
Linda recently posted..Monday Morning Mental Health Maintenance Tip
I agree, every behavior has a positive intent.
It took me a while to realize helping friends was a real lose/lose!
A little over a month ago I managed to get rid of compulsive nail-biting which had gone on for more than 20 years. I had tried different NLP things before to stop it, I had tried lotions, I had tried sheer willpower… Nothing worked in long-term.
Then I did a twist on a familiar NLP technique and it worked. I had banished the compulsive behavior in about 5 minutes of work + some reinforcement later that day and during the next few days.
I also know it works long-term because now if I’d want to bite my fingernails it will actually take conscious effort and a conscious decision to do it. The compulsive, automatic part has completely disappeared.
(By the way Tim, I should thank you for this. If it weren’t for your earlier blog post I would never had picked a book by that obnoxious Anthony Robbins guy and discover the method I used.)
On a similar note, when I did my own research and found out what regulates fat accumulation I was able to lose some 8kg of weight in about 2 months. Before that I had spent the last 5-6 months in the gym, 5 days a week, and trying to eat healthy 90% of the time, which resulted in… no change in weight whatsoever.
With these experiences I’m starting to believe that change SHOULD not be difficult. You just need to find the proper leverage points, the proper tools and techniques. If it’s difficult maybe you have the wrong approach?
Tim, you have a lot more experience facilitating change. What do you think?
//sami
Sami Paju recently posted..New platform and blog downtime
What was the NLP technique Sami? Sounds like the Swish Pattern of the Compulsion Blowout.
I agree that often change is hard because we believe it will be hard and we all know the power of beliefs. The hardest client for me to deal with is the one that refuses to ever believe in themselves.
@Tim, I believe it was the ‘Soaring Dragon Over Mountaintop’ but I’m not sure about the names… Might have also been ‘Monkey Jumps Tree’.
I have a full-length blog post coming about this as soon as I get my new site up and running, but here’s the short version: I figured out which emotions I’d do almost anything to avoid (guilt, public humiliation, shame), then visualized a situation where my behavior (biting nails) directly caused those emotions to surface.
I used the usual NLP tricks of creating a vivid image, focusing on how bad I felt in the situation etc. I went through the scenario a few times and then a few more throughout the next few days to reinforce it.
//sami
Sami Paju recently posted..New platform and blog downtime
Holy crap I haven’t heard of any of those!!
Hi Tim,
I see it this way…..it’s not the difficulty of “change”, it’s the uncertainty. If people can touch & feel the change, the uncertainty of moving from their position of safety, no matter how bad their ‘safety’, is the predominate factor.
The people who can make this move have the required self belief that the ‘unknown’ can be known & embraced.
Be good to yourself
David
David Stevens recently posted..The Magic in Your Life
I think it’s both. Definitely change is scary to people, but there are also a lot of people that think is impossible and that is not the best starting point!
Hi again,
Must be having a ‘bad hair day’. I meant to say “Even if people can touch & feel the change, for most, the uncertainty of moving from their position of known safety, no matter how bad,is the dominate factor”
The people who can make this move however, HAVE the required self belief that the ‘unknown’ can be known & embraced.
David
David Stevens recently posted..The Magic in Your Life
- Tim great choice on your guest blog
- Morty,
This is such an enlightening thought process. It really gets at that ah ha! moment when we realize that any belief we create – WE CREATE! We loose site of that very simple fact and instead think that our beliefs are our realities.
That belief system creates a lens for which we see the world through. So if we have a belief, I’m not good enough, then our interaction with the world will be gathering evidence that supports that hypothesis.
But by making the very important distinction that this thought process is a possible view, one of many, can help us to realize we are never stuck with anyone reality! If you are able to distinguish it as an interpretation that gives you the freedom to think outside that interpretation.
I absolutely love this perspective, and constantly try and practice and learn more about it. This was an excellent post Morty.
Cheers!
Thanks Chris and hopefully the trial session we’re going to record on Friday will be interesting to you. BTW, if you have any questions you’d like me to ask Morty, please let me know.
Tim, I’ve linked to your article “You’re Not Broken” a few times on my site, and invariably I end up linking to it in conversation when my clients and I are talking about positive intentions. One of my favorite Tim Brownson quotes comes from that post… (I’m paraphrasing here, but I bet I’ll come close because I’ve intoned it so often… “as human beings we never self-sabotage and I defy you to give me one single example to the contrary.)
(I sigh – happily – every time I say that “defy” because – absent any proof from anyone at least so far – I *feel* that strongly about the impossibility of it being otherwise.)
It makes it so much easier for people to see that they can get what they want, when they realize that their starting point is that they’re working with a person – surprise – them! – who has always been operating with the intention of getting them what they want.
Good company to be in.
(As we are with you!)
Thanks so much for what you do, and how you do it – and for sharing another great resource,
KP
Karen Paritee recently posted..It’s Not Just That Diets Don’t Work- It’s How Well You DO
Thanks a lot Karen, you’re a great ally to have!
Morty, I find this fascinating because I’m one of your offhand examples. I know several of my self-limiting beliefs come from a mother who lacked parenting skills. As an adult, I’ve accepted my mother’s limitations had nothing to do with me, but my beliefs are still there. I might be the perfect candidate :)
Also, thank you for clarifying your views on the LOA in the last post. I take umbrage with the “blame the victim” side of it (if you’ve got cancer, you must have manifested it), but I completely accept that beliefs, especially self-limiting ones, affect how we think and act in the world.
And thanks, Tim, for hosting Morty. I’m definitely going to further look into the method.
Elle B recently posted..15 Fascinating Legal Later Bloomers
I believe this process goes a little deeper than the just realizing it Elle and that’s why he uses visualization. Hopefully we can demonstrate this later this week when Morty puts me on the spot!
Change is difficult for most people because they are usually reluctant to change itself, they can’t accept change thus making it very hard for them to change and for change to have am effect on them.
Does being reluctant to change make it difficult though?
I’m not sure on this and we may be playing semantics, but just because we believe something doesn’t necessarily make it so.
Thanks for sharing Tim, this is a great topic!
Morty, I understand that this process would work, I’m not denying that. But to refer to my comment on Tim’s previous post, I believe it’s not possible to completely banish a fear or limiting belief. As much of it will be destroyed, traces will remain.
Another way to look at it is like beating an enemy. Do you do enough to ensure that they won’t ever have the strength to bother you again, or do you completely obliterate them so that they cease to exist? I’m sure your process will create the former, but not the latter.
Then again, if only traces remain, how harmful are those traces? Much less harmful than a fully-functioning fear, that’s for sure ;-)
Stuart recently posted..How To Read Books More Effectively
I’ll know better after we have done another one.
I believe it’s possible to use the process again and again on the same belief if needed so that eventually you have killed the little sucker!
Definitely a question worth posing to Morty when I speak with him on Friday, thanks.
One of the techniques I use to help people get over limiting beliefs is that return to childhood so I leapt on the chance to try out Monty’s technique with alacrity. While I completely understand where he’s coming from, and I love the ingenious technique he employs with his video plus written answers/spoken statements, I found his approach didn’t work for me.
It felt almost like leading the witness, the number of times he said “you did say yes then, didn’t you?”.
And his insistance that there was only one way for my thoughts to go ended up getting my back up so I didn’t actually finish the video in the end.
I’m assuming that when he works with people one to one it’s a different kettle of fish so I’ll be interested to see how you get on when you have your session with him but at the moment I’m unconvinced.
I do have a strong urge NOT to be told what to do, and I think Monty’s approach pushed that button very firmly on, so maybe that’s it, which is a shame because I think the underlying idea is great – once you can see your parents’ behaviour as more to do with them than with you, it frees you up from a whole load of limiting beliefs about yourself – but this approach really doesn’t work for me
Cathy, you know my take on this and that I firmly believe that there is no how it is, only how it is for you.
If it doesn’t work for you then it doesn’t work for you and that’s cool. I don’t believe any process like this will work for every person every time.
This was really well thought out. I blogged, about a week or so ago, about challenges. needless to say I left crickets in the room and no one commented at all… That’s fine but what I realized is that most people don’t know themselves well enough or aren’t aware enough to acknowledge what process they employ to make decisions let alone change. Yes, I find that scary! But your post and many of your commentors prove that point exactly. There has to be an awareness about oneself to lead to the belief in the ability to make a change. I’m finding that people are so busy surviving (not living) that they really aren’t doing much with actual intention.
For me personally, I know now as an adult that my mother was starved for attention and even depressed through my childhood but functional and those actions caused a belief in me that said I had to live a life of check marks. Recently (2yrs) I’ve allowed myself to not have to accomplish a laundry list of to do’s in a day to feel worthy of the attention that my family gives me. It wasn’t hard but I had to first admit that those ideas weren’t my own and I politely and lovingly put my mother on notice and let them go, because, I’m sure I neglected to mention that now as an adult she comes to my home and tells me what should be done before a certain time, before my husband and kids arrive or simply says “He’s gonna think you haven’t done anything today, is that what you want” almost reinforcing that same mind set, but I’m good Now!
Keep up the good work, gentlemen!
Cheers!
Great comment Dara, I agree 100% and thanks for taking the time to share!