When I decided to trial my weekend ‘any other business’ posts I decided to throw them open to guest posts too. Shortly after I received an e-mail from Cathy Dean from Colour Your Thinking with the post you are about to read suggesting it may be suitable.
Unfortunately it isn’t, because this is the kind of post that shouldn’t be treated lightly or buried on low traffic days, because even though Cathy is self-effacing and pokes fun at herself the issue itself is an important one and deserves as much exposure as possible.
Before you high tail it at the end, if you have read How To Be Rich and Happy I have set up a very short 6 question survey and I would love your thoughts. We are considering having the audio version produced and really want as much feedback as possible because the investment in time and money is fairly significant. I’ll put the link at the bottom.
Am I Really A Fat Warty Witch?
I recently took part in a photo shoot for a charity calendar, which required me to get naked and look fabulous – two things that I don’t normally associate with each other.
I decided to do it because a couple of years ago I realized that I’d been living a life circumscribed by fear; ever since then I’ve been looking for opportunities to face my fears so showing my naked body to the world seemed like a logical thing to do under the circumstances.
It’s probably important for you to know that I am in no way a hideous, hairy misshapen witch. I don’t have webbed feet and fingers, and I don’t have a tail. I am not deformed or disabled in any way and neither am I covered in warts. Small children do not run away screaming at my approach and I don’t spend my life in darkened rooms to protect other people from catching a glimpse of my hideousness.
I am, actually, a perfectly ordinary looking, somewhat plumptious middle aged woman. If Renoir was still around he would have been drooling with delight at the thought of painting my unclad form (not literally, you understand, although for all I know he might well have splashed paint all over his models as well as his canvases…)
It’s just that my body shape doesn’t meet with the current requirements for fashionable beauty in the West and so I have spent a lifetime trying with varying degrees of success to either change or accept my feelings of dismay and disgust about my body.
It’s been like this ever since puberty struck. One minute I was breaking the school long jump record and competing in county athletic trials, the next minute I had become rather rounded and was being put in goal for hockey as I “took up most of the space” according to the rest of the team.
I stopped playing any type of sport soon afterward and have refrained from any sort of strenuous exercise ever since.
From the age of about 13 onwards, I have considered myself fat – as I’ve just turned 46, that’s 33 years of self-consciousness. Thirty-three years of feeling guilty, or ugly, or ashamed, or disappointed, or revolted, sometimes all at once.
Intellectually I know it’s ridiculous and there have been times when it hasn’t bothered me for months on end, but a little demon shadow has always been there, lurking in the background waiting to pounce.
I am 5’5” and at my heaviest have weighed around 15 stone. At my lightest I’ve gone down to around 10 stone. Both of those extremes have been down to illness. My current weight, which I rather suspect is my “fighting” weight, is around 13 stone. My clothes are somewhere between a size 14 and a size 16 (I’m sorry if this means nothing in American or European!) which makes me the same size as most other British women.
I’m getting more and more angry about how much of my mental energy I’ve wasted in fretting about something so utterly insignificant as the size and shape of my body. And I’m getting even angrier about how many other women feel the same way about their bodies.
Let me give you an illustration by telling you about something that took place during that calendar shoot.
The day really brought home to me, emotionally rather than intellectually, just how strongly most women dislike their bodies. There didn’t appear to be a single woman in that room that didn’t have at least one area of her body that she actively disliked including those that, to me, had stunning figures that I would kill for.
There were, as you can imagine, a number of different conversations about which bits we didn’t like, and why, but the stand-out moment for me was when Lisa, the organiser, very generously lifted up a dressing gown and showed us someone else’s bottom!
“Look at this bottom girls!” she yelled “isn’t it gorgeous!” and indeed it was, an aesthetic and athletic beauty, tanned, toned and taught, just like you see on posters. In between shrieking with laughter at the look on the face of the owner of the bottom, we all joined in with a chorus of praise and comments along the lines of “I wish mine looked like that”.
And do you know what the owner of this delicious bottom said (and bear in mind that the rest of her was, to my eyes, equally tanned, toned and taught)? She said she’s never noticed it because she was always focussing on how wide her hips and thighs were.
Ladies, we must stop doing this to ourselves! There is no such thing as a perfect body and the more we concentrate on the bits of us that we feel are “wrong” the less we celebrate the lovely bits.
It’s really difficult to change your own self-image (I know, I’ve tried!) so how about making a pact, for the good of the sisterhood?
From now on, whenever you meet up with another woman, whether she’s a complete stranger or a lifelong friend, your mother, your sister or your daughter, pay her a complement about some aspect of her appearance.
If you envy her lovely soft skin, tell her. If you wish you had neat little ankles like hers, tell her. If you wish you had womanly curves like hers, tell her. Whatever it is, just tell her. Because even if she knows that there are things about her that are lovely, the chances are that she doesn’t spend much time at all thinking about them – she’ll be too busy obsessing about the bits she doesn’t like.
And gents, make sure you tell your lady on a regular basis which bits of her body you love. (If you can find a way to compliment other ladies without being branded a sleazebag then go right ahead, and teach the others how to do it too!)
We each have so many gifts and talents, and far too many of us hide those talents away because of the insecurities we carry around about our bodies. It’s a shocking waste of happiness, time and talent and it needs to stop.
I’m trying, right now, to do my level best to let all of my own body insecurities go. I was looking through some old photographs of myself this week with my Mum, and I came across two photos that I remember shuddering at when they were taken.
I was around 15 in both of them and I can clearly remember seeing each of them for the first time and being repulsed by the fat, ugly girl I saw looking back at me. And what do I see when I look at them today? I see a lovely, fresh-faced, pretty girl of completely normal size, smiling happily for the camera.
There never was a fat, ugly me and there isn’t one now. I am beautiful inside and out, because of who I am and how I live my life. My body is strong and healthy and has given me two gorgeous children. My husband loves me and my body for who and what I am. And so, now do I.
And if you have identified with anything I’ve written here, go straight to a mirror now. Gaze into your own eyes and say, out loud, “I love you. You are beautiful.” Do it every time you brush your teeth. And believe it.
If you want to find out more about Cathy you can look her up at Colourful Thinking, read her blog or follow her on Twitter
Tim Brownson is a Certified Life Coach and has been unsticking people and helping them reach their true potential since 2005. If you would like to know how he can help you
Hi Tim,
I’m content with my body now but struggled with it for years.
I used to be a physique model so I know what it’s like to be judged, especially after you worked like hell to craft a masterpiece. I’ve since released on this and feel comfortable with how I look. This is a fairly rare mindset but after years of misery I was fed up and saw how silly my fears and anxieties were.
Thanks for sharing Cathy’s story with us.
Ryan Biddulph
Ryan Biddulph recently posted..4 Oversights Which Prevent Readers from Seeing Your Blog
You didn’t work in Abercormbie and Fitch did you? ;-)
I started losing my hair at 17 which was fairly traumatic but it went sooooo slowly that by the time I hit 30 I couldn’t give a damn and I wouldn’t pay $25 for a full head of hair now.
I hear ya, sista! I am the same age and I too am horrified at the amount of my lifetime I’ve spent dealing with this. I recently signed up for a pole dancing class (just so I could blog about it – gawd, the things I do) and my immediate reaction to the call for photos was to think I must lose weight! It is like a reflex. I recently blogged about a book called Operation Beautiful that addresses this very thing. And I found it very helpful. Send yourself those affirming messages. Every. Day. Thanks, Cathy!
Alison Golden recently posted..5 Things I’d Like You To Know About Sebastian By His Mom Aged 46½
BTW, UK sizes 14 & 16 are US sizes 10 & 12. So we are averaged around the same size both sides of the ocean (around the world?)
Alison Golden recently posted..10 Things You Don’t Know About My Mom But Probably Should By Sebastian- Aged 10½
I have had lots of clients that literally ‘couldn’t’ say such a thing.
How sad is that?
I agree that it’s important for everyone to have a positive body image and to stop focusing on perceived flaws in the way they look.
At the same time, I would much rather somebody compliment me on how I made them laugh or how kind I am or how much fun I have with my kids. When I was a bit younger, I was 5’10″ and 120 lbs and had all sorts of comments on my appearance. I feel a lot more confident and self assured now that I’ve aged into a more ordinary appearance, even if nobody is complimenting me on how I look save my husband.
There is something absolutely liberating about not being told on a constant basis that you are tall and skinny. I feel like people see me as more of a person now than they did back then.
Tracy recently posted..Weird and-or Grody and-or Tasty and-or Just Plain Messed Up Food Posts to Date Part 4
I was almost 200lbs when I was 15, then I grew 4 or 5″ in about 18 months and the weight went. It wasn’t fun at school prior to that let me tell you.
The same thing happened to my brother and I do think the whole experience had positive and negative effects on his personality as an adult.
I really do feel like the more attention paid to my appearance, positive or negative, by people outside those closest to me the more it bothers me. If I ignore most media and tune out other people, I feel completely fine with myself warts and all.
I don’t know, it might seem like a contradiction, but a lot of the *positive* body image stories in the media/online leave me feeling unhappy and anxious with my appearance. It’s as if my body takes an outsized amount of importance the moment I start thinking about it at all.
That’s not to say I’m in denial about my body but it seems that the message that so many of us get is that you ARE your body and what’s inside is incidental. I suppose that’s where the anxiety comes from as a woman – so much of what I see and read is geared towards my body instead of my mind.
BTW I can’t picture you being a chubby person with hair. Pictures please. I will not hesitate to track down your wife on facebook to bribe her if you refuse. ;-p I bet you were adorable!
Tracy recently posted..Weird and-or Grody and-or Tasty and-or Just Plain Messed Up Food Posts to Date Part 4
The average woman (or at least the average American woman) is about a size 10. This problem with women and body image always amazes me. That the media is SO powerful that they’ve gotten many of us to completely ignore reality and buy into the bull they feed us is astonishing.
I’ve never had this problem when it comes to weight, because I’ve always been fairly slim, but I did feel like I was inadequate because I’m short. I used to have this idea that in order for me to be stunningly beautiful, I had to be about 5’10 (give or take). Well, over the past few years, I’ve realized that I AM stunningly beautiful, and I just hit about 5’1 (and 6-eights.) So take that, media!
Aja Trinidad recently posted..30 Amazon Gift Card Giveaway – 10 Second Place Prize
I think I can take that to another level and say the media are
SO
powerful.
I know everyone is insecure about something but I’m always astounded as to what that usually is. This past weekend we went out like normal and I ended up talking to a gorgeous black girl named Brittany. She was a former model, very smart, and just ditsy enough to be charming but not so much that she was idiotic. At some point as we talked she revealed similar feelings about her body. I even remarked about how surprised I was for that to be her insecurity. This girl is former cheerleader-gymnast so it’s not like she was fat or anything. Idk, but it seems women are taught or maybe it’s sorta ‘grandfathered’ in by our society for women to be pessimistic about their bodies.
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I actually don’t think reality plays much of a part you know.
Wow, I seem to have touched a nerve! Yes, just how DID the media get to exert such a negative influence over us all? And just when did we decide to make millionaires out of all those designers who only design clothes for women that aren’t shaped like women?
I just had an email from someone who said he thought that this post “should be required reading for teenagers of both genders” and that’s great, but it’s not enough. If enough of us feel strongly about this there must be something we can do and I’m going to wrack my brains to see if I can come up with it…
You sure did Cathy and thanks for a brilliant post. Anything that raises awareness like this is useful and necessary imho.
I’m thrilled that a woman is not allowing her body image to shape a negative self-image.
That said, I’m horrified and deeply disturbed that she is perpetuating a negative religious stereotype to do it. Let’s say she compared her money hording skills to, say, Jews, or a perchance for self-destruction to Muslims.
Paganism, of which witchcraft is a major subset, is the fastest growing religion in North America, with many new followers as well as many traditional adherents. I am a teacher and Elder in the community, most of my family and friends are traditional witches, including my children, my apprentice and her son, and we have enough of a fight with their self-image, especially when other people give such a lovely and positive view of us. It has been my experience that women raised in monotheism have far more body, self-image, and power issues than those of the Goddess traditions…
I spend a good deal of of my time fighting this Christian based negativity, and would appreciate far less work. We are all in this together, and I assist my feminist sisters and brothers as much as possible. I would be very grateful for a return of the favour…
Trey Capnerhurst recently posted..What really happened with the Poly motion at the Green Party convention
If you find that deeply disturbing you really need to get out more Trey. Deeply disturbing are things like genocide, poverty, drug abuse, violence, war etc. To me anyway.
Firstly, let me defend Cathy by saying the original title was “Am I Really A Fat Warty Troll?” and I changed it.
The reason being people tend to think of trolls as message board flamers and in any case I couldn’t find a picture of a troll.
Anyway, I’m not a Christian so I’m not sure why you are presuming I am and I never even thought of myself a witchest either, although I hadn’t given it too much thought to be totally honest.
It seems to me you’re looking to be offended (unless you’re just having a laugh) because I can only imagine you explode with indignation in the run up to October 31st and all the witch paraphernalia on show.
Maybe I missed it, but I was assuming she was comparing herself to the story book fairy tale caricature of a witch. And so were all the other readers.
Melinda | SuperWAHM recently posted..Busy days for me- which means a freebie for you
Cathy, this is a brilliant post and I’m with you all the way. I have one sister who was bulimic as a young teen, and another sister who was just like you – a State Sprinter until puberty hit. She’s struggled with her weight ever since.
Me? I managed to get the genes for slenderness, but you know what? I still wear shorts at the beach, I still turn the lights off for my hubby, I still look at myself and angst about cellulite and wobbles.
Isn’t it crazy that we’re like this? I need to go an rethink how we’re talking to, and what we’re showing our 12yo daughter. Maybe there’s still hope for her.
Melinda | SuperWAHM recently posted..Busy days for me- which means a freebie for you
I’m fortunate like that too, I eat whatever and never seem to put weight on.
We are secretly despised you know ;-)
I ran a “Love Your Body” seminar for students a while back and it was amazing how the energy changed in the room as the session went on. And do you know what I did? All I asked them to do was firstly to write a private list of all of the things they disliked about their bodies. And then, I got them to go round the room and tell each other person one thing that they found attractive about them. Being a bunch of British kids who didn’t all know each other there was a lot of nervous laughter, especially when they realised I wasn’t kidding. But you know, once they got started, the room got louder and more animated, there was loads of laughter and some people even got moved to tears. And every single one of them went away walking taller, with their heads held high and a huge smile on their face. Try it – it’s a really powerful thing to do and a great gift to give people.
That is a really awesome idea!
Interesting post Tim and well written Cathy. It really highlights the fact that sometimes in order to be happy you have to accept what and who you are instead of trying to change. It reminds me of the story called Working Towards What You Already Have http://www.jokesnjokes.net/funny.jokes.amusing.humor.laughs/newsletters/inspire0824.htm
Sometimes change is necessary to be happy, sometimes just learning to be happy with who you are and what you have got is all that is needed.
Kenny McBride recently posted..TIME FOR A KICK UP THE BACKSIDE ! Stop Making Excuses and Make The Right Decision
Yep that is indeed a classic tale Kenny, thanks.
I tell my lady on a regular basis which bits of her body I love.
There was definitely a time in early high school where I struggled with my own self-image. I was a fat kid, I got picked on, then I seem to remember eating more to comfort myself. Fortunately both my health and diet (and friends) have improved ever since.
I have found it takes a lot of courage and some ‘fake it to make it’ confidence to ‘flaunt’ what you’ve got, regardless of what you’ve got and despite overwhelming social expectations require.
To build that confidence was probably why I didn’t get to a gym for years, yet found people often love you all the more for being bold (and bald, Tim ;) and getting on with life with a lot self-love and love for those around.
It’s in the eye of the beholder and if you look for it, we’re all beautiful :)
Great post Cathy, Thanks for sharing this in our direction, Tim.
Rob recently posted..I Love My Drum Machine
Yeh don’t forget us baldies. Bald is the new black….probably.
I worked as a naked model for an oil painter for a number of session for that same reason. I wanted to be able to say, “The Hell with this! Naked and proud, baybee!”.
Five years later, still resolutely unashamed about my plumptious body. It’s a wonderful thing.
(I still hate those mirrors in jeans stores, though. Between them and the fluorescent lights, there is no possibility of looking good.)
Not as bad the stripped to the waist whoreboys in Abercombie and Fitch. They have me feeling like I’m a pervert just for walking through the door.
I truly enjoyed this blog. Funny, I raised three sons who always thought I was fabulous because I could wrestle with them and wasn’t afraid to get dirty when we played. I knew then and know now that they are crazy about me, but I’ve never had the guts to ask if they thought I’m beautiful, to tell the truth I probably wouldn’t have the guts to ask now. Ouch! What does that say about me?
My husband adores me, no question about it, yet for years I continued to focus on the flaws I saw in the mirror. As year 50 is coming round the corner at an incredibly rapid rate, I have been focusing more and more this year on the gifts I’ve been given. Somehow this has made me more able to accept what I used to see as flaws as gifts. I’m not ‘chubby’, rather I’m sturdy and strong. I REALLY dig that! That sturdiness and strength is what got me through raising a house full of boys without falling apart. I may not be classically beautiful, but friends and family tell me that my smile makes their day a bit brighter.
I encourage others, women and men, girls and boys, to celebrate their gifts and re-frame the way they look at flaws. Who knows, those flaws may well be their greatest strengths.
Namaste,
Sandy
Yay Sandy, I’m cheering for you as I write this, you’ve put a huge grin on my face. I wrote a follow-up to this on my own blog which you might like to see, it’s at http://colourfulcoach.wordpress.com/2010/09/17/i-love-my-belly/
(Tim, am I allowed to do this? Please take my comment down if not…)
Oh, body image, the old problem!
I know this affects women more than men, but as men are increasingly targeted by the media fashionistas, it’s catching on with them as well. :( As a woman, though, I can only comment from a female perspective.
I have many women friends who loathe their bodies. Many of them look fabulous. One of them is 5’11″ (can’t convert to American, sorry) and really skinny, so she looks great in anything she wears – she’s the only woman I know who could wear catwalk clothes. But she still has issues about her body.
Yes, the media has a huge amount to do with this, because we have been brainwashed to believe that we should should all be skinny and “perfect”, even though we know that even models are routinely airbrushed for their shoots. But innate lack of self-confidence doesn’t help either.
I too suffer from body dysmorphia – in the reverse direction. I may be 5’6″ and 13 stone in weight, but in my head, I look like Julia Roberts, and nothing you say to me will persuade me otherwise. And so, I consider myself desirable.
You know what? Feeling desirable MAKES you desirable. It has nothing to do with external factors like how you look. It is all about how you feel.
That suggestion by Cathy Dean was inspired – I’m going to get a bunch of friends around to try it out.
“You know what? Feeling desirable MAKES you desirable.
Bingo!