I had this weird dream last night. I had been booked to appear on Oprah with both my dogs for reasons that weren’t absolutely clear. She was telling me how much she loved my blog although she thought I ought to swear a lot more.
“Oh, I’m not really sure about that” I said “Some people get offended by a swearing Life Coach”
“Really?” she said with a wink of an eye, and then turned to the audience and said:
“What do you fuckers think, should Tim swear more or not?”
A huge roar of “YES!” came back from the people watching and Oprah smiled knowingly at me.
She then said “Tim, we think you should start running the Internet as of now and be able to do anything you want with it. So what would you like to do?”
I licked my lips in anticipation and was about to answer when the dogs started going nuts and launched themselves at Ms. Winfrey. Oh shit I thought, I hope they don’t kill her that will be terrible for business.
At that point I woke up and realized there was an armadillo in the backyard and the hounds had sniffed out the little fella and wanted a scaly breakfast. I also realized rather sadly, that I didn’t in fact own the Internet.
But what if I did, what would I do on first day at the office?
Keeping the theme of rampant negativity from last weeks A.O.B. I decided I’d like to kick off by banning stuff! And this would be the stuff I’d ban.
1. Pop Ups
In a brief moment of insanity I came within a kippers dick of installing a pop up myself last week. I was a victim of social proof and figured if everybody else is annoying the fuck out of each other with pop ups, I should annoy the fuck out of people too, right?
Wrong, wrong, and thrice wrong.
I know they get more people to sign up for your newsletter, but do they actually get more people to read your newsletter? Yeh, they probably do actually.
I’ve stopped reading some blogs because I’m sick of sitting there waiting for the bloody pop up to appear so I can close it and start reading what I want to read. Why not just put a gun to my head march me to my bank to make a withdrawal?
2. Saying ‘Great Post’ In Comments
If you say ‘Great post’ in the comments of a blog it bloody well better be a great post.
Great means great you know. There was only one Alexander the Great, I’m not aware of a Bob the Great or a Frank the Great. He was called great because he never lost a battle, not because he had a fairly popular blog and people liked to suck up to him.
If you say ‘Great post’ you better prepared to back it up with some facts and show me a list of the greatest posts ever written with some market research and focus group activity to back it up or I shall be forced to have you shot.
3. What I Learned Posts
“7 Things I Learned From My Dad When He Farted Because He Was Laughing So Much When My Gran Fell Out Of Her Rocking Chair” or “What My Younger Self Learned From My Older Self About Quantum Physics When I Was In The Womb Playing Scrabble” are no longer acceptable.
I suppose you may have learned that patience is a virtue whilst stood in the Post Office behind a 104 year old man that insists on telling the assistant about the time he got hit by mustard gas at The Somme. Or that death is inevitable after watching your goldfish float serenely to the top of its bowl bereft of life. But I doubt it, so quit it.
4. Automatic DM’s on Twitter
Let’s not mince words, on the official ‘Lame Scale’ I just made up, sending somebody an automatic response saying, “Thanks for the follow, I’m looking forward to your tweets” is right up alongside asking a celebrity to follow you on Twitter, as premium lame.
We all know the same message goes to everybody so not only it is impersonal, but you’re telling spammers how much you are looking forward to being spammed, weirdos how much you’re looking forward to them being weird and perverts how much you are looking forward to being perverted.
I’m pretty sure nobody sits there thinking,
“Wow, I’m so pumped at the thought of reading a random tweet at some indeterminate time in the future by some person who I don’t know on a topic I have no interest in”
On the other hand if I’m wrong and you do, just send a personal tweet to tell them and then go and book yourself some life coaching.
5. Announcing Your Location on Twitter
Don’t take offense because I know you’re a lovely person, but I really don’t give a rats or any other random rodents ass if you’re in a coffee shop, a shopping mall or a quandary.
Unless you’re a close friend or family member I don’t need to know. Then again if you’re a close friend or family member I probably already know, or I can at least ring you up to find out if it means that much to me.
The only people that really care where you are, are stalkers and people that send out auto DM’s telling you how much you’re looking forward to your tweets.
6. Posting Photos On Twitter
I have very little will power when it comes to clicking on links, especially when people tease me by saying something like “Wow, this is absolutely amazing” Like a sheep that’s had a lobotomy I’m clicking the link to check out what it is that’s so amazed somebody.
Then I get this huge dopamine crash when I’m taken to a picture of a cat playing with a fucking ball of string! I’m not going to ban this outright, but if you tell me something’s amazing it better be amazing!
At the very minimum I want to see Krakatoa erupting, a snake eating a house or Sarah Palin looking sane. No pictures of your dad eating grapes, 6 inches of snow on the ground in January in Buffalo, and definitely no, I repeat no, kittens. And I don’t care how cute they are!
7. List Posts
Ok, so technically this has been a list post, but that’s not the point, because I’m banning them for everybody else except me.
Nine times out of 10 a list post just tells people you haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about or you’re just too lazy to construct a proper post.
So what do you think? Have I been tad unfair to some really nice people or are you on board for some Orwellian action?
Let me know what you’d like to ban (even if it’s opinionated Life Coaches writing posts that have nothing to do with Life Coaching) and we can start plotting together to take over the Internet, after all, how hard can it be?
Tweet of the Week
No idea if I’ll make this a regular thing on a.o.b. because I may well forget, but this tweet from Bud Hennekes really did make me laugh out loud.