Why People Are Unhappy

Posted on 25 July 2008 in Life Coaching, Video Posts

Whenever you’re unhappy, miserable or even angry, I know why. That’s rather a bold statement to make I realize, but then again I’m a bold guy, a bold bald guy in fact

The simple truth is that you’re unhappy because you’re comparing your circumstances. You may be comparing to a previous time when things were better, or to a time in the future when you expect things will be improved. You may also be comparing yourself to somebody else that is better looking, earns more money, drives a faster car, has more hair, is more famous, or can eat a pound of chocolate without putting weight on.

If you don’t compare you stay in the moment and have to accept that this is how things are in life. Cliché corner time I know, but we really only have the moment, this moment.

There was a chapter in my book ‘Don’t Ask Stupid Questions – There Are No Stupid Questions’ titled ‘Comparison Doesn’t Deliver Contentment’ and even if I say so myself, those are wise words, wise words indeed.

The video post explains in a little more detail what I mean. I also talk about a remarkable client of mine that has a great story to tell. I’d encourage you to check out her blog. Go back a few months and read it all because it’s a story of real courage.

I’m still getting used to this whole videoing malarkey so I hope you’ll excuse the fact half my head is missing (no bad thing) and the cropped off intro and dodgy sound editing.

For anybody remotely interested the short snippet of music is a downtempo remix of a track called ‘Song of Life’ by the brilliant Leftfield.

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28 Comments So Far.

Comment by Carole on 25 July 2008:

By all means, go for the sympathy view/click-through/whatever — I would LOVE to watch a cute puppy while I listen to you! :D
Comment by Vered on 25 July 2008:

Ha, you ended up using the puppy anyway. :)

She sounds like a remarkable lady.

Of course I compare. Of course I realize it’s a mistake to do so. I find it intriguing that you suggest reframing as a way to avoid comparing. I will give it a try.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 25 July 2008:

@ Carole – Hmm, maybe I should go for that then. Anything that raises my cuteness appeal ;-)

@ Vered – Let me know how it goes with the reframing and of course I snuck the photo in of Tori being bathed just in case.
Comment by SueDaz on 25 July 2008:

You know, sometimes people are unhappy because they just are. When death takes your soulmate, comparing and reframing becomes moot.
I will always have that dividing line for the rest of my lif-Before Daryl’s death, and after-to which I will hold up the present moment and decide how much joy, if any, I can wring from it.
It is not as simple as you make it, because human emotions are so complex.
Sometimes it is OK to be unhappy-it is the yin to happiness’s yang, and as such is a necessary part of life.
Comment by Bamboo Forest on 26 July 2008:

I enjoyed this presentation. I agree, that comparing ourselves to others can create a great deal of unhappiness.

The better choice is to truly be grateful for what we have. Instead of looking at what other people have, we should look at what we ourselves have, and truly appreciate it.

The more grateful we become, the more happy we will be.
Comment by Bamboo Forest on 26 July 2008:

p.s. – Pink is definitely your color.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 26 July 2008:

@ Sue – I have a client at the moment that quoted almost verbatim to me (changing the name of course) what you just said about life before and after the death of a partner.

I understand that, I really do, and I wholeheartedly agree that sometimes we need to feel low to experience what it is to be alive, I even wrote about it in my book. It is ok to feel down from time to time, of course it is.

The comparison thing is simple though, it’s not easy, but it is simple. You perfectly described it with your situation before and after. Nobody is unhappy because they just are, there is always a reason. That reason may make perfect sense, or it may not, but there is always a reason.

Human emotions are complex, but largely because we complicate them. Some of the more enlightened spiritual people on this planet have amazingly uncomplicated approaches to life and death.

I almost feel that I should be writing an entire post on this and go into a lot more detail and I may do so. I’m very grateful you took the time to comment, thanks.

BTW, your link doesn’t work, if you want to let me have the URL, I’ll post if for you.

@ Bamboo Forest – Agreed, gratitude can be as powerful a force as almost anything. Glad you like the pink ;-)
Comment by RJ on 26 July 2008:

“I’m a bold guy, a bold bald guy in fact”

LOL. It’s part of your distinctive charm Tim :)
Through the years I’ve cultivated my belief that no matter how bad things seem to look, it can always be worse, a lot worse. I always give myself a little pick me up by telling myself, “Hey, at least I’m not dead!”
Alive – good :)
Dead – bad :)
Sometimes boiling things down to the basics (good or bad) is the best way to look at any situation. But then again I am a simpleton afterall.
Oh well, you know what they say about ignorance…
^_^
Comment by Tim Brownson on 26 July 2008:

@ RJ – Yep, things can usually get worse for most people and it tends to happen that they get worse just when we think they can’t.
Comment by SpaceAgeSage on 26 July 2008:

Just stopping by from Liz Strauss’s Blog Show. The words, “The Discomfort Zone” drew me in to check out your site.

Being the caregiver for my mom, who has mild Alzheimer’s and a lot of short-term memory loss, has been powerfully motivating for me. I don’t want to have a stroke like her or my brother. I don’t want to see aging as a process of decline. I don’t want to devalue myself for my gray hair and wrinkles, as society would have me do. I like pushing into the discomfort zone to free myself from such limited thinking. It’s not always fun, but traveling the discomfort zone is always rewarding.
Comment by Al at 7P on 26 July 2008:

Hi Tim – I’m another visitor from Liz Strauss’s Blog Show.

That was a great video – the story about your client was simply amazing! I really liked how you told the story. Glad I came by :) .
Comment by Tim Brownson on 27 July 2008:

@ SpaceAgeSage – Thanks for dropping by. I know how tough that can be. My mom had Alzheimer’s when she passed away 4 months ago. I did a lot of reading about it and it seems like we can do a lot to help prevent it especially to worry less! Hope it goes as well as possible and thanks for dropping by.

@ Al – Thanks for the comment Al, and yes she is indeed an amazing and very courageous lady.
Comment by Alex Fayle on 28 July 2008:

Tim:

I agree with you (and with you about the need to feel sad sometimes – like with death). I also think, however, that happiness come from choice. When we make conscious decisions rather than just let life happen, we end up happier because we are choosing what we actually want instead of letting the choices be made for us (through expectations, direct actions by others, or inattentiveness).

And for anyone who wants to pursue happiness, I’d highly recommend Gretchen Ruben’s The Happiness Project at http://www.happiness-project.com

Cheers,
Alex
Comment by Tim Brownson on 28 July 2008:

@ Alex – You’re right of course Alex , although for a great many people it doesn’t seem to them that they are in control of their thoughts. The lines get blurry between when somebody is simply not aware of their thoughts and let’s them run amok, and when somebody is suffering from mental illness (I hate that phrase btw).

To almost contradict that I tend to think that depression and chemical imbalances are a result of negative thinking patterns rather than vice versa. That is a laymans opinion, and I accept I could be wrong.

Thanks for the link. I’m going to subscribe to the blog. My initial concern is this statement on the home page

“THE HAPPINESS PROJECT will gather these rules for living and report on what works and what doesn’t”

I need to delve more deeply because she may say this, but there is no right or wrong way and no one way that works for every one person. What Gretchen will have at the end of the project is ways that make HER happy.
Comment by Laurie on 28 July 2008:

I find I compare relationahips. I see in others the type of relationship I would like to have with my spouse. My relationship is MUCH better than it was but there still are times when……I wish it was more. I wish (can I say without sounding like such a B?) I wish he were more. More secure in himself, more of a leader, more positive about life. When I see others with a spouse like I want, I start to compare. Not a good thing.

It got me into an emotional pit a couple of years ago as I saw the “perfect man”…..I know, no one is perfect. It took me a while and a lot of sessions to get beyond that one. I hated being there but had a devil of a time getting out of it. Luckily, I never did anything about it. I never told the man but I don’t know how he didn’t know. I went to the counselor because the thought of it scared me to death. The thoughts I was having were totally against my character.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 29 July 2008:

@ Laurie – At least you recognized what you were feeling was out of character and that is the starting point.

Go easy on yourself and keep patting yourself on the back for the good stuff and learning from the rest.
Comment by Jennifer on 29 July 2008:

Well said, Bamboo Forrest. I agree wholeheartadely.

Sue, I have often pondered that about death. I would say that it is definitely one of the most difficult things to process or reframe. I remember making that comment to my teacher and he said that actually divorce is usually harder for people because death is typically something we can’t control, while in divorce people typically feel rejected and maybe they could have done something different. Either way, they can be processed. It is just likely to be more difficult than some other things. I have seen people reframe both though.

I wanted to share this story. Just this year I went to a funeral visitation for a 6 year old girl who died of cancer. I hugged her mother and said I was sorry. She said, I’m just so thankful that I had the opportunity to know her and love her. I would have never known love like I have if it wasn’t for her.” That was one of the most powerful things I have ever heard. Sure makes me want to appreciate every day I have with my husband and all the other people in my life.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 30 July 2008:

@ Jennifer – Thanks for adding that, it’s a very powerful story and as good an example of a positive reframe as I’ve heard.
Comment by Doug on 31 July 2008:

Good video, Tim. And a good story. I think I had many similar moments when I learned about my own health concerns.

But, when it comes to comparisons, we humans often tend to complicate them with other emotions and dynamics. Such as a real biggie: guilt.

Why did this ex-girlfriend or that good friend or that coworker or that parent suffer more? Sometimes, much more.

So that comparison, if it slips through the good screens and the “don’t think about that” buffers and “that’s just wrong” filters . . . can bring with it good and bad. Relief and guilt and perhaps even confusion. Often at the same time.

Some of us tend to take the world on our shoulders–in a very real sense, or in an abstract sense. Comparisons for us are never just about happiness or unhappiness. They’re about questioning the basis for the comparisons in the first place . . . As in, are we justified or deserving or off the hook for making them at all?

So we watch a Woody Allen movie and then everything makes perfect sense again!

. . . .

Happiness is a great gig, if you can find your way there. I think I need some more practice before I make it to Carnegie Hall.

:>)
Comment by Tim Brownson on 31 July 2008:

@ Doug – LOL, yeh a Woody Allen movie will do that! I know you have been through similar stuff and come out smiling, so you can really relate.

Guilt is the bane of society, or at least one of them and achieves absolutely nothing.
Comment by Doug on 31 July 2008:

Yeah, Tim. You are correct about guilt.

Baneful stuff . . .

On a side note . . . if I haven’t already said this, I should have, and I feel really, really guilty about that. :>) You have created something wonderful here. And unique. I think your site is great, and it looks like the good people who comment here add much. Seems like a reciprocal arrangement, too, with lots of bennies for everyone. Lots of wisdom coming from a lot of different sources.

Kudos, Tim.

take care–

Doug
Comment by Tim Brownson on 31 July 2008:

@ Doug – Thanks a lot for that, it’s very much appreciated.

BTW, if anybody reading this yearns for something a bit more highbrow from time to time, hit the link from Doug’s name and check out his site, it’s a haven for all things cultural.
Comment by Jan on 4 August 2008:

Reply to Laurie – some resonance Laurie. Not entirely the same. Did counselling help – I have thoughts that are agianst everything I have ever believed and I hate myself…….
Comment by Laurie on 4 August 2008:

The counseling was the best thing I ever did. It help me to figure out what was going on with me. It also helped me to make adjustments with myself that really impacted my marriage for the better. Through the counseling I was able to change my mindset from someone sitting on the porch watching others live with adventure and purpose and wishing join in, to a person embrasing passion and wanting to live full out. My self esteme and out look on life have totally changed.

I will be honest, you have to get a counselor who is right for you. The first one I went to had me addicted to him. His boundaries were very lacking and he allowed me feel too special which sucked me in. The second one was a jerk, telling me basically to buck it up and be the good submissive wife I was supposed to be, which meant taking all kinds of crap. The third one was perfect. I was very honest with him about the other experiences and he was careful not to let me get too close. I was able to trust him and show him all my skeletons that were getting in my way and setting up the problem I had.
COunseling was a life changer for me. I wouldn’t go back to the way I was for nothing!
Comment by Tim Brownson on 4 August 2008:

@ Laurie – I think you’ve nailed it there. There are good, bad and plain ugly counselors just like there are coaches and every other profession you care to name. It’s a real shame when people hire a bad coach/therapist and then presume it simply doesn’t work or worse still, think it’s their fault.
Comment by Caroline Middlebrook on 7 August 2008:

Damn that’s true! I tried really hard to come up with an example that proved you wrong but I couldn’t. And here’s the kicker – I pride myself at being somebody who doesn’t compare, at least to other people and for the most part I don’t. My sin is comparing to alternative situations for myself – either the past or future as you said. I hope I can catch myself doing it more often now!
Comment by Tim Brownson on 8 August 2008:

@ Caroline – That’s the spirit! I like it when people come here to prove me wrong, and wrong I often am ;-) I think we all do compare to a greater or lesser degree, but once we become aware of it we can do something about the situation and grag ourselves back on path. Thanks for the comment.
Comment by aytek on 14 June 2009:

that lady was remarkebel lady but sad to say we are not all like that you try so hard to look things in a positive light but what if everything you do was not good in enough you try and try and you just cant get it right..i know this is self pity but thats how i fell and looking things at a positive angle never works for me because every time you do it seems to never work out that way