Who Are You Today?
Posted on 3 June 2008
It seems to be conventional wisdom that it’s unwise to blog about politics, religion and sex. So I guess posting about politicians having sex with members of the clergy is right out and my highly inflammatory headline of ‘The Priest, The Prostitute and the Pervy Politician’ will have to remain under wraps for the time being. You can also add blogging about personal issues to that list too, because many professional and part-time Bloggers also see that as a huge no-no.
I understand why people think that should be the case. There’s a danger if you get too edgy, in alienating your readers and creating an atmosphere of controversy for controversies sake, but there also has to be a balance, right? It’s no good skirting issues that are important to you just so that you don’t break some unwritten rule or offend somebody that just can’t wait to be offended. It’s also inadvisable to pretend to be something or somebody that you’re not, because sooner or later people will see through the façade and expose you for the charlatan that you are.
A few people seem to think that as a life coach and one that writes a blog on life coaching and even has a book published on the subject, that I’m impervious to the problems that people contact me about. That I have everything boxed off and I live in a state of sheer bliss moving from one utopian encounter to another.
I’m reminded of a brilliant poster that was all the rage in officers a few years ago in the UK. It showed 3 or 4 cartoon characters rolling around the floor of an office, clutching their sides in hysterical laughter. Below them was a caption that read: “You Want It When?”
The fact is as my family and friends know all too well, I do get stressed. I also get grumpy and occasionally talk negatively to myself as well as gibberish to others. I can be argumentative and opinionated, especially after a couple of glasses of wine and I sometimes find myself working too many hours even though I tell clients they shouldn’t. I’m sure there are many other faults that don’t immediately spring to mind, and if you know me well you may even be feeling the urge to fill in the comments field below to help me out.
I have been reading Tom Volkar’s excellent Delightful Work blog recently and Tom has been looking closely at the area of the being ourselves and not pandering to the wishes and sensibilities of the other 6 billion people we share the planet with. That’s not to suggest we disregard other peoples feelings, just that we resist the urge to make them our own responsibility. In terms of writing a blog, that means saying what I want to say and accepting that some people wont like it too much and others hopefully will.
What’s the point of this post you may be thinking? I guess like most of them, not a lot, other than to say; be yourself, because to do anything different means to avoid being true to yourself and if you’re not being true to yourself, whom are you being true to?
Try not to spend half your time appeasing others and acting out a role that is inherently foreign to you. In the long run it doesn’t do anybody any favors least of all the people you are trying to mollify. The flip side of that though is that we all (me included) need to be more tolerant of others. If we want to express who we are, then we should allow others to do the same and not look down our noses at people simply because they are poorer, wealthier, taller, skinnier, darker, fairer or vote Republican ;-)
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Comment by Vered on 4 June 2008:
I often wonder about life coaches, asking myself - are you really happier than us mortals? Glad to get an honest answer and if anything, this adds to your credibility.
Comment by Laurie on 4 June 2008:
Life coaches are also players in the game of life. I figure they’ve studied the strategy book more and know the best ways through the maze. That doesn’t mean they take that route or don’t encounter problems along the way, it just means they know more routes to take and where they might lead. I think most of us know the high road. We have a difficult time putting off gratification to get there.
This past couple of years I have been on a search to follow my heart and be my true self. While work is a huge problem (but only until Friday) my relationship with my hub and my friends have been deeper, more honest, more intimate, and more fulfilling. I have adventured more in life. Life outside of work is really good but I had to work at it, make some choices to put myself out there, and stay the course in spite of my urges to protect myself and hide. It will be an ongoing trek but will become more natural with practice. And it is totally worth it! :O)
I think your controversy will elicit a lot of great discussion.
Comment by Dr. KC on 4 June 2008:
I love your article, Tim. So on the money with humor packed in as well to always keep a smile on the reader’s face. I love how you talk about the importance of always being yourself while at the same time remaining open minded and non-judgmental to others! Keep up the GREAT work.
All my best,
Doc KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Comment by Benny Greenberg on 5 June 2008:
Hey Tim…
This is a fantastic post. It probably needs to be part of every coaches (not just life coaches or business coaches or sports coaches) handbook. My work is very similar to yours and though I do much more consulting on business projects, I do a fair share of life coaching as a part of that consulting. Reading this kind of puts a stamp of approval on what I do and have been trying to do. It says that we are all humans and open and pressured by the same emotions, issues and problems that our clients have. My daughter (the wise-assed 18-year old) often plays that game with me - “How can you get mad” - “You can’t be grumpy” - “Wasn’t that a negative thought. Dad?” - And many times I almost feel embarrassed that I am human and have the thoughts and feelings I try to help others to understand and be rid of.
Thanks Tim — It meant much more to me than you will ever know…
Guess that’s life coaching from a life coach!
Great Job
Benny!
Comment by Tim Brownson on 5 June 2008:
@ Vered - It is good to be immortal I must admit. I certainly am VERY happy, although I do slip across to the dark side on occasions. There has to be yin and yang, right?
@ Laurie - That’s exactly it! A great summing up of what tools a life coach possesses. It seems like you have the really important things in place.
@ Doc - How’s my favorite and most prolific natural medicine blogger! Not working too hard, I trust ;-)
Comment by Dr. KC on 5 June 2008:
Hey Tim,
I’m not sure which Doc you are referring to, but I’m not the natural medicine one, I’m the psychology one. :) :)
Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Comment by Tim Brownson on 5 June 2008:
@ Dr KC - LMAO, look I’m jet-lagged ok! Can you be my favorite psychology Doc? I still have room there ;-)
@ Benny - That really made me laugh because I could have been reading stuff my wife says to me. She is an expert at spotting anything from a negative thought to an embedded command even when there wasn’t intended to be one! We’re up against it buddy ;-)
Comment by Jonathan Mead on 5 June 2008:
Tim, I could let a lot of things slide; taller, darker, skinnier, bearded women, etc. But when said vote Republican, I think you crossed the line.
You should be ashamed. Go put on your cap and sit in the corner young man.
Comment by Robert A. Henru on 5 June 2008:
Hi Tim,
that’s exactly the reason why people that know me the most, will not believe what I write… some of the commentators in my blog do say as if I have so much wisdom at such a young age, but as you said, in reality doing is not as easy as talking or writing.
I’m still choosing to write both to declare (even if I can’t affirm yet) my dream and my desire on what I’m going to do. Also to learn from the mistakes I made… It’s okay if some people don’t like you, I am growing not to prove to anyone…
I’m really encouraged by your statement there…
“be yourself, because to do anything different means to avoid being true to yourself and if you’re not being true to yourself, whom are you being true to?”
Thanks,
Robert
Comment by Dr. KC on 5 June 2008:
Tim,
I would be honored to accept the role of favorite psychology doc! :)
Doc N and I are a lot alike anyway, so we are often mistaken for one another. It’s a compliment. :)
Doc KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com
Comment by Tim Brownson on 5 June 2008:
@ Jonathan - LMAO, You may have a point! I am in the corner with THE hat on as we speak and will stay here until I’ve learned my lesson
@ Robert - I read your blog as you know and you have some thought provoking stuff and that’s why were here, at least it’s why I’m here!
Comment by Shilpan|successsoul.com on 5 June 2008:
Tim,
I enjoyed reading this post. It resonates a great deal with how I feel about expressing my ideas and views without succumbing to the public opinion. Speaking from our heart with clarity is the true freedom. I’m inspired by your article.
Shilpan
Comment by Tom Volkar / Delightful Work on 5 June 2008:
Hey Tim thanks for the tip of your hat. I’m very pleased to count you among my straight up speaking associates. It takes so much darn energy to play at the truth when calling them like we see them is simple. I had to laugh out loud when you shared that folks think life coaches are perfect. Far from it as you know. If you’re still wondering Vered, consider this.
When we are coaching we are doing what we love to do so naturally we are going to be up and inspired. So at least in our work coaches have a ball! Yet I was a relationship coach for five years and that gave me absolutely no immunity from choosing another lousy relationship that I had to recently end. As coaches our main advantage is that we self-examine like crazy so we are generally incapable of settling.
Comment by Dr. Nicole Sundene on 5 June 2008:
They say that those that cannot do…TEACH!
How can someone that never experiences stress teach us how to better cope with it? I think we have to be somewhat candid with our own struggles in order to motivate people to improve their lives as well. I used to eat SAD (standard american diet) and now I eat whole foods and feel so much better. I still crack and eat some McInflammation or Ding Dungs from time to time…but that is only because I am a human being. Not some deity. Until God upgrades my package, I will just be left to learn from my mistakes and use them as teaching examples for my patients and readers.
Glad to see ya back blogging!
http://kitchentablemedicine.com
Comment by JEMi | Tips for Life, Love, You on 6 June 2008:
Your being human makes you even more likable gosh darnit :)
I’ve been thinking about this be yourself thing alot lately. I’ve been writing this week behind the scenes drawing upon the purpose of my blog and thinking I don’t want to veer off the road looking at otehr drivers (bloggers) the way I did as a new driver. Scary.
Remaining authentic is important and you can easily undermine this when you calculate what each and every person might think about what you have to say
Thank you for the reminder Tim :)
Comment by Tim Brownson on 6 June 2008:
@ Shilpan - I like that “Speaking from our heart with clarity is the true freedom” That’s very cool and very true imho. Thanks for sharing.
@ Tom - I agree on that, sometimes I try and hold myself to ridiculous standards. Damn it! Why shouldn’t I stand and drool over the counter at The Cheesecake Factory? I’m a Life Coach not a Saint ;-)
@ JEMi - I don’t think there is any danger of you doing that quite frankly, you know what you’re doing, of that I have no doubt ;-)
Comment by Tim Brownson on 6 June 2008:
@ Dr NS - You got picked up by my spam filter. How dare it? Don’t worry I’ve given it a stern speaking too and it wont happen again.
I’m slowly but surely changing my diet thanks in no small part to your excellent site. I still see wine as my achilles heal, oh and Starbucks classic coffee cake, but I’m moving in the right direction and that’s always the main thing imho.
Comment by RJ on 6 June 2008:
Spot on Tim! It’s like when we are labeled according to how people perceive us. People from work says, “Oh, RJ is a reserved and quiet person” And these same people may happen to see me out with my friends that night on the town being loud and cheery. Does this make one duplicitous? Or complex?
You own your personality, it does not own you.
Great post :)
Comment by Tim Brownson on 6 June 2008:
@ RJ - OTOH you may just be drunk ;-) Just kidding I know exactly what you mean RJ and agree 100%.
Comment by Erek Ostrowski on 7 June 2008:
Tim,
Last week, I led a communication skills/public speaking workshop for a group of consultants. I’ve led the workshop before, and I love doing it whenever I get the chance.
People are often surprised to find out that I suffer from intense anxiety every single time I lead a workshop or speak in front of people, but I always tell them that this is the case!
I used to be ashamed of this aspect of my personality, and I thought I had to hide it in order to be a good workshop leader. Now, I tell my participants about it so they know that anxiety doesn’t have to stop them from being effective speakers.
It’s a small example of how being my imperfectly perfect self has helped others become more comfortable with their own imperfections.
Thanks Tim,
Erek