The Nightmare Scenario

Posted on 8 September 2008

You may not be aware of it, but you have a locus of control. In fact you have two of the little suckers, one external and the other internal. If you’re like most people you’ll tend to lean more towards one than the other, but both will come into play at varying times in your life depending on the circumstances, and both are needed.

Ask yourself this question:

Would you be prepared to turn up at a black tie event dressed as a Zebra for a joke and not worry about the consequences?

If the answer is a resounding “No!” then that’s most likely because you’re external locus of control has kicked in. It’s the thing that’s worried about and takes into consideration, the good (and sometimes, not so good) opinion of other people.

It’s the voice in your head that says “Don’t go back to the buffet table for seconds (or in my case fourths) in case somebody thinks you’re a greedy fat *^&%#@$.” It tells you that even though you’re half way to the Mall, you really should go back home and put matching shoes on. And it will happily point out that five people have told you that your new business venture is crazy so it must be so. Therefore, you’d better quit and stay in the dead end, soulless job that’s safe even if it is destroying you from the inside out.

You’ll justify an over zealous external locus of control as being a good thing because it takes into consideration other people. It listens to ‘reason’, it and it looks after your best interests by helping you avoid future disappointment, even if that does mean you end up living a life more ordinary.

Now ask yourself this question:

If you bought a new dress and went to a party and somebody else was wearing the exact same dress, would you care?

If the answer is you wouldn’t give a damn, it’s because you’ve a strong internal locus of control. Well, either that or you hit the Cosmo’s a little early and you’re too hammered to care. Alcohol notwithstanding though, on the whole you don’t concern yourself with what other people think of you, because you like you and that’s all that matters.

Your internal locus of control says things like “It’s a brilliant idea to quit my high paid job and start a new search engine with $17.81 and go head to head with Google” or “I’m going to fart in the restaurant whether they like it or not, after all, the dog never complains and she has a much more acute sense of smell” It also wont care if you go to the shops without putting your make-up on and it certainly doesn’t expect you to tidy the house before the cleaner comes round to….er….tidy the house.

You need balance in your life and it’s no different with your locus of control. If you’re too internal you become immune to what other people think and very self-centered. You’ll disregard good advice, believe you can rule the world if you put your mind to it and frequently be seen as stubborn and arrogant, even if that’s not necessarily the case.

On the other hand, if you are too external, you’ll be forever worrying about what other people think of you and believing that your fate is outside of your control. It may be that you’re well liked, but it also may be that you’re often put upon. You probably hold yourself back in life with the constant fear of what others may think of you. You’ll almost certainly lack self-confidence too.

To be either very external or very internal is bad enough, but it can actually get worse than that.

The nightmare scenario is when you mix the negative aspects of your internal and external locus of control and lose sight of the positive features.

You listen to criticism in external mode and take it to heart because you think that person knows what she’s talking about and after all, it’s probably well deserved.

Yet when somebody offers praise you quickly and adeptly move into internal mode. You disregard the compliments as being artificial or by thinking the other person or people really don’t know the whole story about what a fraud you really are.

None of that is good, so what can you do about it?

I’ll tell you that next time because I want to tie up a few lose ends first.

A very brief update on the detox.

It’s going really well. No real slips of any significance although I have to say I’m wondering why I bothered with removing caffeine. The caffeine headache never arrived, but I think that was due to drinking some de-caf, which I know has trace elements of caffeine in.

The alcohol hasn’t been a concern except maybe the weekend when my wife cooked a great meal that was literally (honest, I could hear it) crying out for wine. Then on Sunday my excitement for the new football season evaporated as I watched the Rams get crushed in Philly. That was a game if ever there were one, that needed to be watched through an alcohol haze, but I resisted and just sat there feeling sorry for myself.

I am meditating as per promised (that’s not me in the photo though) and the gym has been hit with a sickening regularity. I must confess though, after 8 days I don’t feel any different. Maybe it’s still early days, but I was expecting to be looking and feeling a bit like Brad Pitt by now.

A massive thanks to all of you that gave me blog feedback, it really is appreciated. I was a little surprised at how weighted it was in favor of the printed post over video blogging, Tori will be devastated as she was planning a come back.

I will drop the odd video post in, but I’ll try and keep them to less than 5 minutes, which is about how long it takes to read one of my posts.

I’m going to do an ‘Ask The Coach’ post every Friday, or until you lot get bored and stop asking me questions.

If you want to ask me a question on coaching, NLP or anything else for that matter, e-mail me directly at tim@adaringadventure.com.

As I have no idea of how many takers I’ll get on this, so please don’t be offended if I don’t pick your question. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you or want to skip through a meadow holding hands, it just means I’ve got lots of questions. Well at least two anyway.

Also, please understand that I haven’t got time to respond to individual questions via e-mail, this is a blog thing only. Unless of course you want to hire me, in which case I’ll be delighted to correspond with you. I’ll also need to know whether I can use your name or not.

Enjoyed this post? Please share it!

Digg it | Stumble it |

Send to a friend:

19 Comments So Far.

Comment by Vered - MomGrind on 8 September 2008:

GREAT. Now I’ll have to come back for the next post.

:-)

This is interesting stuff.

I think I have a mix of the positive aspect of my internal control (because I believe in myself and like myself), and of both the positive and the negative aspects of my external locus of control (I sometimes care too much about conforming). Is that a common situation in your experience?

Glad the detox is going well. I think you should give it at least a couple of weeks before you decide if it’s making you feel any better.
Comment by Dr. Nicole Sundene on 9 September 2008:

Loved this! Thanks coach, I can keep you busy for a million Fridays with questions.
Comment by Tabs at Levnow on 9 September 2008:

The nightmare scenario is having both? They all seem like a nightmare scenario to me. I was assuming at some point a good balance of both would do the trick but I have to wait for the next post. Well see you later then and thanks for stirring a thought in my head.

-Tabs
Comment by Evelyn Lim on 9 September 2008:

Okay…I have to confess that it will be a real nightmare for me if I turn up in a hot dress for a party and someone else is there in the same dress. I can’t say that I’ve reached enlightenment yet although I am at a stage where I don’t give two hoots about a lot of things.

BTW, I didn’t know you were using Brad Pitt as the gold standard. You wouldn’t want to be looking like him anyway. It comes at the risk of having legions of female blogger fans!
Comment by Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome on 9 September 2008:

I’m a weird contradiction of internal and external. I die inside if someone is upset with me and jump through hoop to FIX it, but at the same time I always do what I want.

I just don’t understand why people don’t just say “oh, that Alex, he’s so cute in his ways” and never get upset with me. ;)
Comment by Dave Fowler on 9 September 2008:

Now Listen Tim, these Locusts of control sound quite sinister – should we be worried that they’re going to take over the world? How should we show our allegiance to these new flying swarming overlords?

The truth is I care too much what other people think of me. I want to be liked just as most others people do, which is not a bad thing in itself but it has stopped me from being myself. What does that mean? I don’t really know. Does it mean I don’t think very much of myself, therefore others won’t either. Hmm. Anyway…

So this situation causes a bit of a problem for me. For a long time I’ve known I have the capacity to communicate with a wide range of people. It’s not something I learnt in my previous profession, it’s something I took to the profession and developed whilst there. It’s something I’m proud of. I can be totally serious and mix it with serious and earnest people or I can use language that would make a dock worker blush. I can take control of a dangerous situation and command attention and action, or I can happily play hide and seek with other adults.

All this sits very well with me and these elements are who I am – i.e. there’s no faking it. But I do worry that in being myself and showing the full range of what I am, I’ll alienate people on the extremes. People I don’t want to alienate. I feel I have to keep areas of my life compartmentalised so that they don’t overlap – it causes an internal conflict.

I’d like to give less of a crap what people think, but then I’d lose what I’ll call the ‘The Power’ - (just so you know, I’m laughing at myself typing ‘The Power’). I could be wrong but it’s giving a crap about what people think that has allowed me to develop this skill to communicate.

The clincher is, that the element of my personality that dominates, is my sense of humour – which is a risk because one day I may want to go to an employer and ask for a serious job.

So if I then mess about on the internet talking about ‘locusts’ of control, who the hell would give me the time of day?

Hurry up and write the next instalment. My life is on hold until you do.

I can even feel ‘The Power’ ebbing away as I type.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 9 September 2008:

@ Vered - We pretty much all have some of each. To not have would probably make you a raving sociopath.

Yes, the conforming thing is very prevalent in my experience and not really something to get too worried about. Although Governments and employers do love a conformist ;-)

Agreed on the detox and as I’m locked in until 27th anyway, it’s a moot point.

@ Doc Nicole - I’m waiting for them whenever you’re ready ;-)

@ Tabs - Of course you’re right it is getting a good balance, but it’s actually what you need to do to get that balance. Thanks for commenting.

@ Evelyn - A-ha! So what makes that into a nightmare? Surely a great reframe would be “That person has great taste too”? I’ll have to cancel the plastic surgery then. If Brad could just shave his head I’d be half way there.

@ Alex - Oh Alex, you’re so cute in your ways, I’m sure nobody could ever get upset with you.

@ Dave - Jeez Dave that’s longer than the post! I wanted to actualy use a cartoon picture of a locust to see if anybody would get it, but the only one I could finds was $15 and I wasn’t THAT bothered ;-)

I’ll try and cover some of this tomorrow (when I’ve actually thought it through), but I know that I lose clients because of my sense off humor. Good! If they don’t like it, then I wouldn’t hit it off with them because no way will I shelve it. Twice I have been unsure of clients on the consult and I have asked them to go and check out my blog and get back to me. In both cases I never heard from them again. I’m sure they thought I was mental. It is what it is.

Any boss that doesn’t take you on because you like a laugh wouldn’t be a boss you’d like working for anyway, so you dodged a bullet.
Comment by Dave Fowler on 9 September 2008:

Tim, It’s my new thing. I’m going to take over everyone else’s blogs so the locusts of control will be pleased with me.

Sorry, about that but you hit a nerve. Don’t worry though I’m spreading the misery around blogland. I’m not just picking on you because you’re a professional life coach and published author.

The detox sounds like it’s going really well, just don’t go too mad otherwise you’ll have Angelina knocking at your door.
Comment by Wendi Kelly on 9 September 2008:

I might have missed something there about the blend being the nightmere. It seems to me that a blend in some ways might be healthy. I know my internal is my stronger focus. I can tell you if two of us girls show up in the same dress, feel free to change, I’m gonna dance :)You are welcome to join me, we can have a laugh and dance together, I could care less about clothes.
I’m more interested in having a meaningful chat.In fact, I might not even notice that we are wearing the same thing.
Comment by Rita on 9 September 2008:

Tim,

I read this twice. Truly. (and not once for you and once for Tom) You are an INCREDIBLY INTELLIGENT AND PERCEPTIVE PERSON AND LIFE-COACH! I am quite impressed!

I don’t think that I need to answer the questions that you put forth. I have to emphasize one teeny remark: often, people who are very “internally locused” (?) are that way due to some measure of insecurity, rather than a non-chalance about what others think. The person who has a stong internal locus CAN BE the same person who can not take a compliment. Lots of good stuff to think on here!

What a great blog! And I’m glad that your de-tox is going well…

Thanks,

Rita

(P.S. Am I the only one who noticed that the tiger - or whatever it is - seems to be having some confusion as to where his tail should be, or am I the only one ridiculous enough to comment on it?)
Comment by Tim Brownson on 9 September 2008:

@ Dave - I’ve already beaten Angelina away but she came back with Jen and asked me would make it work. Then I woke up. I wonder what I would have said?

@ Wendi - Absolutely, a blend is healthy and we all have that to a greater or lesser extent. It’s just that it has to be the right blend. The NS happens when we take the worst aspects of both personalities, and that does happen regularly.

@ Rita - That’s a tough one to explain and I think I may use it as an intro to part 2. OTOH, I may change my mind tomorrow because I have no idea what I’m going to write. I need a life coach.

Thanks for the kind words and it’s a Zebra with his tail in his left hand. I think it’s quite obvious he’s about to hop in a cab and doesn’t want to trap it in the door like his best buddy Stumpy did with tragic results.
Comment by Rita on 9 September 2008:

Tim,

I happen to know a great life coach - but he charges a fortune. Worth it, though!

Rita
Comment by Laurie on 9 September 2008:

I actually did show up at my hubs company Christmas part in the same outfit as one of the secretaries. It was funny. I am very fair skinned and she is a black woman. We had our picture taken together and went around telling every one we were identical twins. We had fun making a joke out of it.

Brad Pit? Oh Tim, I thought you thought more of yourself than that! Brad is far beneath your caliber! I don’t think he’s at the gym 4 times a week! :O)
Pingback by Hump Day Reading for the Restless Soul — Write From Home on 10 September 2008:

[...] The Nightmare Scenario at A Daring Adventure [...]
Comment by Tim Brownson on 10 September 2008:

@ Rita - Is it me ;-)

@ Laurie - That’s the way to deal with it! Very balanced approach.

I don’t mind too much sliding down to Brads level!
Comment by Rita on 10 September 2008:

Tim,

Close…it’s TOM. OF course it’s you!

Rita
Comment by Melissa on 10 September 2008:

I think I might have to buy a zebra suit so I won’t be caught at that party in a dress that someone else is wearing… I’ll be really screwed if someone else shows up in a zebra suit. Maybe I’ll find one with orange stripes so it’s not the same??

And how would you be ashamed of said zebra suit if no one knows it was you?

*laughs at own post* I’ve got too much time on my hands.

Keep up the good work with detox. I’m not sure I want you to look like Brad Pitt though, I think I like you the way you are.
Comment by Nick Cernis on 12 September 2008:

I’d go as a zebra wearing a new red dress. If someone came dressed in the same outfit, that’s when I’d break down in shame and embarrassment, then find a quiet corner and sob quietly until the zoo keepers or special doctors arrived.

Thanks for humanising what could otherwise be a rather dry lesson in psychology, Tim. You have a real talent for floating solid, heartfelt advice on bubbles of laughter and inspiration.

I recently started going to the gym, and can confirm that my rapid transformation into a deeply-cut Spartan warrior are far more gradual than I’d hoped.

I could never give up coffee, though.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 12 September 2008:

@ Melissa - Valid point although I’m thinking may be bathroom breaks and taking drinks may be tricky and expose you to the waiting world.

@ Nick - A-ha! Welcome my Yorkshire friend and soon to be deeply-cut Spartan warrior. No 6 pack just yet, huh? I have one! Unfortunately it’s hidden under rolls of flab at the moment, but it is in there.