The Gloves Are Off

Posted on 16 July 2008 in Life Coaching

Today I am taking the gloves off to take issue with two other bloggers. Not in a nasty, I don’t like you, you’re an idiot kinda way. More in a <raising one eyebrow> is that what you really think, that’s interesting, let’s take a closer look at it buddy, kinda way?

I only subscribe via e-mail to two blogs one of which is published by my chirpy, antipodean friend, Craig Harper. I like Craig because he tells it like it is. Or rather he tells it like he thinks it is, which is all any of us have the power to do.

I think it’s fair to say that he could use the Discomfort Zone name and nobody would bat an eyelid because he certainly pulls no punches. Not only that, but he speaks a great deal of sense and frequently makes me laugh and anybody that makes me laugh, David Hasselhoff notwithstanding, is good enough for me:

There is one particular passage in a recent post that I want to concentrate on. As I said at the time in the comments, I actually agree with 99% of what he was saying. What melee mouthed attention slut would complain about 1% when he’s in 99% agreement you may be thinking? Well me actually, so read what Craig had to say:

The “you-can-be-whatever-you-want” message ain’t exactly the truth. In fact, it’s crap. Yes we can all learn, grow, change and become the best ‘us’ possible (if we do the work), but can we all do whatever we want? Nope. If I reaaaaaally wanted to, could I run 100 metres (meters) in 9.6 seconds? Nope? Can we all make it in the NBA, the NFL or the AFL if we work hard enough? Nope. Will the vast majority of hungry young actors make it as big stars if they apply themselves? Nope. Will most musicians ever have a hit single? Nope. Will you or I ever be fearless (as in, zero fear)? Nope. This is not negativity; it’s reality. It’s life.”

Here’s my issue with that and it’s very simple to understand. I believe that every individual can be what he or she wants to be, with one important caveat. They have to have the physical and to a lesser extent, the requisite mental capabilities.

In other words, I have no way of making the Bulgarian Olympic Weightlifting team for women. I’m not Bulgarian, I’m not very strong and I don’t have enough body hair to be considered. It really doesn’t matter how many weights I lift, steroids I take or bottles of Rogaine I drink, I just don’t cut the mustard. It would be a waste of time to try and I may as well entertain myself by telling the Prairie Dog that the cookies he’s stolen from my house are of the laxative variety.

I do realize not everybody can reach his or her dreams. There simply aren’t enough #1 hit singles, Nobel prizes, Academy Awards, Olympic Gold medals or Presidential appointments to go round and that is the stark truth.

However, there is a paradox.

I would NEVER tell or even BELIEVE that a client of mine couldn’t have any one of those things, if they wanted them badly enough and were prepared to do what it took.

As long as they met all the relevant criteria regarding being the right sex, having the right passport, being able to walk and talk at the same time etc, then that’s good enough for me. I’m not even sure that walking and talking at the same time is necessary for one of those roles.

There are thousands of examples of people that have defied immeasurable odds and been hugely successful with little or no perceived talent. I’m sure you can think of some of your own without having to type “people that have defied immeasurable odds and been hugely successful with little or no perceived talent” into Google.

It isn’t negative to believe not everybody can reach their goals when looked at on a global level, but it is negative to think that at an individual level and there is a crucial difference.

The second blog coming under the lens of the master pedant is Jonathan Meads always interesting, ‘Illuminated Mind’.

Jonathan wrote a thought provoking post entitled ‘10 Counterintuitive Ways to Improve Your Life’ in which he spoke about the ‘fluff’ that is floating around the self-development blogosphere. He then went on to list 10 things he thinks you should learn from a self development blog.

There were 3 or 4 that I had issues with, but there’s one I really want to concentrate on here because it is something that I believe in very strongly.

“Re-framing just doesn’t always work.“

Well the short answer to that one is yes it does. Reframing ALWAYS works. Whether you feel like reframing something is another matter. As is whether it works as well as you would like it to, but if you are good at it and know how to apply it, it will always work.

In a video post I published recently I spoke of a guy by the name of Gordon Livingston. He wrote an excellent book called “Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart” in which he managed to reframe the death of his two sons.

If he can reframe the death of his sons then you can reframe having a job you dislike, a hangover from hell or even the fact that it’s raining again and you’ve just washed your hair.

The point of reframing is not to try and make everything in the garden rosy. It’s not to pretend that things couldn’t be better and it’s certainly not to force us all to walk around looking like Pollyanna on ecstasy. It’s is to take a situation, any situation, and help you look at it in a different, more empowering manner. Jonathan went on to say:

“If I got hit by a car, I’m not going to be thinking about how I can re-frame this experience. I’m probably going to be more concerned with whether or not I’ll be able to walk again.”

Reframing does not mean you can’t be concerned about walking again. It also doesn’t mean that you should try laughing your way out of the hospital dragging your twisted leg behind you and shouting cheerily to the nurses “Don’t worry everything’s fine. At least it wasn’t the leg I kick the cat with, and don’t worry about the blood everywhere because the cleaner is right behind me. Phew, lucky it wasn’t his day off?”

There is enough research suggesting a positive attitude aids the healing process to silence even the most gnarled and bitter cynic. Anything that can help somebody view things more positively is helpful. Sure you can be down for a little while, there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact I’d encourage you to get it out of your system. However, when things drag on and on (a bit like your poorly leg) and you only focus on the negative side of things then you’re not helping yourself, but reframing can.

A reframe of the example that Jonathan used may be:

I get to prove the doctors wrong on my recovery time
I get to prove to myself how gutsy I am
I get some time on my back to read more
I get a month off work to focus my mind on what I really want to do with my life
I get to meet cute nurses/doctors/undertakers
I get to use the gym for free during rehab

All of those (presuming they are relevant) will make you feel better than “My life sucks and it’s not fair”. Will they make you feel great and have you dancing, er sorry I mean hopping, down the corridor? Probably not, but that’s not the point. As long as they help shift your focus onto what can he helpful then that’s enough.

I’d really like your take on this. I can handle being told I’m wrong if that’s what you think. The times I’ve been told that during my life means I am getting very good at it. Maybe not good enough to break into the World Championship winning Bulgarian National Being Told I’m Wrong Team, but I’m working on that.

BTW, Gordon Livingston’s reframe was that at least he knew his sons didn’t have to bury him at some stage in their lives.

Enjoyed this post? Please share it!

Digg it | Stumble it |

Email this post to a friend

19 Comments So Far.

Comment by Dr. Nicole Sundene on 17 July 2008:

Whoah! I read the title and instantly held my breath until I figured out that you weren’t taking issue with me. Well I guess any publicity is good publicity. These sound like some great links that I am off to read. Reframing is so important. Really I think it might just be the secret to success with everything in life…
Comment by Vered on 17 July 2008:

Not enough body hair to be considered a Bulgarian woman. OMG Tim, you are so funny.

I tend to agree that it’s a mistake to limit ourselves by what is “known” or thought to be possible.

I also agree that no matter what, even with a catastrophe or serious illness, reframing works and a positive attitude makes a difference.

Personally, I’m not there: I frequently indulge in negative self-talk and I whine rather than reframe, but in theory I do agree.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 17 July 2008:

@ Doc Nicole – I like and respect both the guys in question as people (what I know of them) and as bloggers. I’m just playing devils advocate and trying to open up the debate. I think you could be right about reframing. When I think now, some of the most upbeat and successful people I know are naturally great reframers. You don’t get much better than Edison’s and I’m paraphrasing “I haven’t failed I’ve just found 999 ways that don’t work”!

@ Vered – It’ s a journey for all of and and I’m not sure anybody truly gets ‘there’ As long as we’re on the right path, that’s the most important thing imho.
Comment by Jonathan Mead on 17 July 2008:

Hey Tim,

I think you brought up some really great points. After all, I really negative person can make even the most positive situation seem bad and a really positive person can make even a really shitty one seem good.

However, I think there’s a lot to be learned from looking at things objectively and being honest with yourself. When you accept the negative you can change it, you can integrate it. You can learn from it and figure out how to improve and not let that happen again.

My main issue was with people that are so into reframing, that they are delusional. They don’t just look at the bright side, they completely deny that darkness even exists. That to me will never produce real, authentic growth.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 17 July 2008:

@ Jonathan – Thanks for replying buddy. I think we’re at slightly cross purposes because I agree that objectivity is needed. The reason why I love reframing is that it doesn’t call for any BS.

You take what is already there and use that. For instance, if a doctor tells you you have 24 hours to live you don’t book a vacation for next year and deny it’s happening. A reframe would be”Oh well the weather forecast was crap for the weekend anyway”

Ok, that’s a tad silly but you know what I mean.

I’m sure there are people like you say, but I know a number of people that use reframing regularly and I honestly don’t know any that I would consider delusional. Other than maybe me that is ;-)
Comment by RJ on 17 July 2008:

Reframing works people.
I was hit by a car while crossing the street a number of years back and had to go through intensive physical therapy to get back to where I was. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I was VERY thankful that I was alive and I believe that contributed a lot to my recovery.
That and the idea of sponge baths from pretty nurses ^_^
Comment by Laurie on 17 July 2008:

I think there is something good that can come from anything. For example, my oldest son was a terror. He was off the charts difficult. But while that was a really difficult time to go through, the process of working through it brought my hub and me to a point where we knew we needed to work on us. Now the hub and I are better together than ever before. It might not have happened if the son was an angel.

I think reframing gives us a chance to put on a wide angle lens and look at the bigger picture. Sometimes that view can bring some peace to a difficult situation.
Comment by Evan on 17 July 2008:

Re: Craig. I often disagree with him but what you quote I 100% agree with.

The limits are not only personal (an often overlooked factor in the personal development world) they are also to do with the rules of the game. You can’t have lots of winners of the same race because then they aren’t winners. Competition means most people lose – they are the rules of the game.

That this is depressing way of organisation is imposed on children during that period of abuse known as schooling (I refuse to call it education) verges on the criminal IMHBAO (=my humble, but accurate, opinion: a useful acronym, I can’t remember where I first saw it).

I’m not sure what ‘works’ means in the re-framing example. It may mean that what is being criticised is using re-framing as a form of denial (like in the example you gave) in which case I would agree that it doesn’t work (this may mean that it is being used too early – before the emotions have been encountered). Not sure this is saying that you are wrong – except that you may be wrong in that you think you are disagreeing.
Comment by Jennifer on 18 July 2008:

Tim, I’ve contemplated your first point many times over. We don’t all have the same talents. If I had a dream to become an opera singer (like the dream my mother had and could have excelled at) I couldn’t. I got my dad’s singing abilities and quiet frankly (my dad’s name is Frank BTW) don’t think it is is even a possibility. I think it is limited to talents at least to some degree. I have pondered that over and over again, but that’s about the conclusion I’ve come to.

On the second one, I’m with you 100%. EVERYTHING can be reframed. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to love what happened, just that you see it in a positive light, like you were saying. However, if you tell yourself that something can’t be reframed, well guess what? …. Doesn’t mean it can’t be, just that you have CHOOSEN not to.

Thought provoking post…
Comment by Jennifer on 18 July 2008:

I’m with Dr. Nicole on this statement in regards to reframing: “Really I think it might just be the secret to success with everything in life…”
Comment by Tim Brownson on 18 July 2008:

@ RJ – LOL yet again. That is a great example of reframing.

@ Laurie “think reframing gives us a chance to put on a wide angle lens and look at the bigger picture” That’s a really good way of describing it. Thanks for that.

@ Evan – “You can’t have lots of winners of the same race because then they aren’t winners”

I know and appreciate that and even acknowledged it. However, when a client walks into my office I will never think that they cannot achieve THEIR dreams! That is the paradox. I know the odds may be stacked against them but they’re stacked against everybody (not always equally I admit). There have been thousands of people with average talent that have got to the top in their profession and thousands with lots of talent that didn’t.

BTW, by saying my humble, accurate opinion, doesn’t the latter negate the former? ;-)

@ Jennifer – Fantastic we have some genuine dissent in the ranks. I love it!

The voice thing does come under the physical abilities somewhat, but let me ask you this. Are the 10 top paid opera singers in the world, THE top 10 human beings on the planet when it comes to singing opera? Of course not, I’d be amazed if there weren’t 1,000’s with equal ability. Same goes for every other field of activity.

I know what I am saying is paradoxical , but I think if we get sucked into the trap of assessing people and telling them what they can and cannot do we run the risk of stifling potential. I’m going to say this in seriousness. If George Bush can become President of the most powerful country on earth then nobody can tell me that talent always wins out.
Comment by Jennifer on 18 July 2008:

No, I don’t think the top 10 opera singers have more talent than say my mother for example, or thousands of others, but they did what it took to get there. (I wish everyone could here my mother sing. A man told me recently that it sends chills up and down his back when he hears her sing – in a good way of course.)

No, we are not the ones to tell people that they can or can’t do something. We can’t limit people…. I never want to be the cause of someone not succeeding at something.

You love the pres., huh? No really, he is one determeined passionate from the heart man.
Comment by Jennifer on 18 July 2008:

However, can a person who is tone deaf be taught to hear tone? I don’t know? I would love to know if it is possible, but I don’t think it is. My husband has tons of musical talent and he can’t figure me out musically.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 19 July 2008:

@ Jennifer – “No, I don’t think the top 10 opera singers have more talent than say my mother for example, or thousands of others, but they did what it took to get there.”

Exactly! They did what they needed to do and it wasn’t purely down to talent. They believed in themselves and probably others believed in them too which loops back to what I was saying perfectly.

The example you give probably falls into physical limitations. However, there have been plenty of terrible singers that have made successful professional careers in the music industry.
Comment by Tom Volkar / Delightful Work on 20 July 2008:

“If George Bush can become President of the most powerful country on earth then nobody can tell me that talent always wins out.” He overcame huge mental deficiencies to do it as well.

No dissent here Tim except with Craig of course. Although the picture of the redhead is pretty scary.

It makes you wonder when folks have to resort to extremely exceptional examples to try to prove a point. What do they have against one in a million shots? My God why would anyone want to be realistic? How limiting that is. If someone wants to believe they can do anything, I’m right there with you encouraging them to go for it!
Comment by Cath Lawson on 21 July 2008:

Hi Tim – I don’t know enough about reframing to comment.

But I agree that the idea that people should get realistic and accept that they won’t achieve their goals is ridiculous. If they adopted that attitude, they’d never achieve a thing.

Tom makes a very good point with George Bush. It looks like anyone who is really determined to be President of the USA stands a chance.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 21 July 2008:

@ Tom – I think some people think they’ll turn into the red head if they try too hard to be happy ;-)

@ Cath – It’s easy to knock George W (at least it is for me) but it would be churlish not to admire the guys determination to get to the top. Thanks for dropping by!
Comment by Derek Ralston on 21 July 2008:

Good argument. Most of the limits we put on ourselves are self-imposed… Jonathan’s response makes sense too. I think the point is that we need to be realistic about our current situation, but optimistic with our view of it (reframing to focus on the positive versus negative), not in denial.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 22 July 2008:

@ Derek – I don’t think Jonathan and I are actually that far apart. Just some blurring at the edges. Thanks for commenting.