Take A Deep Breath

Posted on 6 June 2008

We have had a dog for almost as long as we have been married and for about 3 minutes less than that time my wife has been working on me to get another. One mental Doberman flying around the house, stealing socks, intimidating visitors and cowering in fear from the vacuum cleaner doesn’t appear to be enough, she wants two. The drip-drip effect finally caused me to cave in recently and acquiesce to her request and so the search began.

We eventually settled on a breeder in the north of Florida and as luck would have it they had a litter due in May with pups released about 8 weeks later in late July. We had numerous questions about the parents, vet care and also about ear cropping. Personally I hate to see Dobie’s with their ears cropped. I think it makes them look menacing and slightly Vulcanlike and it doesn’t appear to achieve anything useful other than maybe for sharpening up your deck quoits tossing skills in times of extreme boredom.

There were a number of e-mails backwards and forwards and I think it’s fair to say the breeders were curt and professional with their replies. No answer was longer than needed and there certainly wasn’t any social discourse.

I had an e-mail back yesterday after requesting further information. It was one line long advising that pups weren’t cropped until 7 to 8 weeks and they knew we didn’t want the little fella sans ears anyway.

I forwarded onto my wife and soon got an unhappy reply from her. She asked me whether I had visions of the lady letting out a huge sigh as she wrote the letter and saying ‘Whateeever. Do we look like complete morons?’

The problem is, that’s exactly what had crossed my mind for a short while too. I’d buried the thought quickly though because I knew it wasn’t based on anything other than a false reality I had created inside my own head. The lady may be a lovely person that just hates writing e-mails, she may have to do 250 replies per day and has to keep them short to avoid RSI, or she may have acquired the social skills of the puppies she breeds. I had absolutely no way of knowing from a few short lines of text, which if any of those things, were true.

The fact is I look at life through a lens. I delete, generalize and distort information and put my own spin on it just like you and everybody else does. When information is missing such as knowing what this lady I have never met was truly thinking, my overactive mind searches for similar events and situations to bridge the gap. Frequently it will fail to do this accurately, but still leave me with a sense of thinking I know what the deal is, when in reality I have less idea than the dog currently napping on my bed.

As humans we don’t stop jumping to conclusions and reading between the lines with the more obvious things such as e-mails either. We’ll give imagined meaning to the dark stare the stranger gives us, the late arrival of a friend for a meeting and the phone line that goes dead when we answer in front of our spouse. Occasionally if we’re in a good mood we’ll put a positive spin on these events, but more often than not we’ll dream up some negative scenario that only helps to make us feel bad.

The really weird thing about this, is that it doesn’t seem to matter how often we slip-up and get it wrong, we insist on making the same mistakes again and again. Yes, I got THAT situation wrong, but THIS one is different, I just know it.

So how do you stop yourself from diving in and making a horse’s ass of yourself? It isn’t rocket science, brain surgery or even 2nd grader math, but it does take patience and a desire to change. If you have neither of those you’re probably in the wrong place at the wrong time but I hope you enjoyed the cute puppy photos.

Firstly, draw breath. Resist that initial urge to open your mouth and insert your foot. I know it’s tempting I’ve done it myself hundreds of times, but a simple 2 or 3 seconds or 2 or 3 minutes pause in the case of an e-mail may be all you need to realize that your perception may be wrong. Let your mind clear, your fists unclench and your veins stop throbbing.

Knowing my track record and if you’re a regular here you’re probably way ahead of me with what I’m about to say next, but I’m going to say it anyway because it bears repetition.

Ask yourself some different more empowering questions. Instead of the usual stuff designed to increase your blood pressure like “How dare he behave like that?” “Who does he think he’s talking to?” or “Is that weirdo staring at my chest?” Try stuff like “Wow, I wonder what his story is?” “What could I be missing here?” or “That’s an interesting way of looking at things”

By asking questions like that you will change your state from one of self-righteous indignation to one of curiosity. I know curiosity killed the cat but it probably wont kill you and being in a state like that is hands down better than the alternative.

If you want to know more about what makes you tick, download my FREE e-book ‘Know Yourself – Change Yourself’

PS Today we got a lengthy e-mail from the breeders with an update and some photos (the group one at the top was one), so it seems our initial assessment was wrong. Amazing, huh?

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18 Comments So Far.

Comment by Vered on 6 June 2008:

My mom taught me to take a deep breath and count to ten before I react angrily. I never listened to her, and that has gotten me in a fair amount of trouble over the years.

Maybe I should listen to you.

“Is that weirdo staring at my chest?”–>
“That’s an interesting way of looking at things”
My husband is nodding in agreement. I think I will count to ten before I say something.
Comment by Jonathan Mead on 6 June 2008:

I would rather die following my curiosity than living in a box. And that’s just that.
Comment by Christopher Truman on 6 June 2008:

Thanks for the reminder to slow down and breathe.
“By asking questions like that you will change your state from one of self-righteous indignation to one of curiosity.”

I continue to forget how much power I have over myself. With this bit, I will try and use my personal power!
Comment by Laurie on 6 June 2008:

The thing that has helped me the most is to say to myself “It’s not about me.” This was especially helpful when interacting with my mother-in-law. She would throw all kinds of verbal darts (passively of course) that really hurt. Then I took on the mindset that “it’s not about me.” It really wasn’t either. It was about her insecurities and low self esteem. Ever since I started thinking that way, I was more pleasant to be around and she has responded with friendlier words. Have a happy day!
Comment by Ali on 7 June 2008:

I think emails, in particular, are subject to so much reading-between-the-lines. When I chat to someone face-to-face, I pick up their mood and tone from their voice, manner, body language etc; in email, all you have to go on is the words.

Couple that with an English degree that taught me to pull to pieces a single line of poetry to extract every possible iota of meaning …

One which particularly gets to me is my boss’s habit of writing “Would you please do X” in emails. I’ve always understood “Please would you” as a polite request, and “Would you please” as a demand that implies the recipient has neglected to do something they should have already done. I know he probably means “Please would you”, but other colleagues have had the same reaction as me!
Comment by ZHereford on 7 June 2008:

First of all, I totally and unequivocally agree with your point Tim.

On the other hand, as someone who used to receive hundreds of e-mails from customers daily when I worked in the financial industry, I always made sure my responses had a friendly, helpful tone to them. In the extremely competitive business world today, it can make the difference between keeping and losing a customer.

Great article!
Comment by Tom Volkar / Delightful Work on 7 June 2008:

I also have put my size 12 foot squarely in my mouth multiple times when responding to emails. Not only that, I’ve repeated it with the same sensitive people more than once. Some part of me must have known the response I would get. Sometimes I think I was looking for a target for unexpressed anger and the email conveniently filled the bill.

Here’s what I do now. I write but don’t send it. I save it as a draft and then the next morning I read it and ask these questions. Will this message get me the consequences I would like? If this party takes things the wrong way am I willing to live withn those consequences?

Using that guide I send less emails these days and pick up the phone instead. You’re right Tim, breathing deeply is an answer that works well.
Comment by Sara on 7 June 2008:

I think part of the reason why we tend to do extrapolate additional meaning from things like emails is that it makes us feel smart and in control. But, like you pointed it, you’re actually more in control when you admit that you don’t know the “why” behind everything and leave your options open.

I also agree with Laurie’s comment above–realizing that quite a bit of stuff that we take personally doesn’t have anything to do with us is quite freeing.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 7 June 2008:

@ Vered - Moms know best!

@ Jonathan - You’ll never be in a box mate! That I do know.

@ Christopher - In reality you are the only one with the power over you and thank you for your comment.

@ Laurie - Fantastic advice and isn’t it weird that when we stop taking things so personally we actually end up having to deal with stuff like that less often in the first place?

@ Ali _ I agree and that is why I prefer face-to-face coaching. Body language is paramount to really undertsanding somebody’s intent imho.

@ Zorka - Good for you and it’s a shame there aren’t more people working in CS with that attitude. You sure don’t work for DriecTv or T-Mobile ;-)

@ Tom - Wise words that I think most of us could benefit from. I almost sent a scathing e-mail to somebody who is now a friend and regular blogger when I didn’t have all the facts to hand. Glad I didn’t now because I was so wrong it makes me shudder.

@ Sara - You’re absolutely right, it’s the “I know what’s going on here” attitude. Maybe though at an unconscious level it’s really more like “I haven’t a clue what’s going on and I’m scared by that so I’m going to pretend” Just a thought.
Comment by Albert | UrbanMonk.Net on 7 June 2008:

Slowing down and breathing is a great reminder, and something that I keep forgetting to do. I love how your story arced into a great tip. Thanks Tim for the nice post! (I wish more people looked at my chest.)
Comment by Tim Brownson on 7 June 2008:

@ Albert - Brilliant to have you here mate! I was on your site earlier on thinking “When is he going to be posting again?” Some really excellent guests but it’s not the Real McKoy ;-) I’m sure you have a great chest btw.
Comment by Erek Ostrowski on 7 June 2008:

Tim,

Thanks for the tips!

I think another really useful tack on this is to practice being responsible for the snap judgments we do make. By this, I mean understanding that as human beings, we’re constantly judging and assessing everything within our frame of view, and assuming that we will continue to do so!

This line of thinking is not a substitute for the tips you suggested…more like a context to operate from. If I take the case that I am predisposed to making snap judgments (by virtue of the fact that I’m human), I’m more likely to catch myself in the act and adjust my attitude!

Great post!

Erek
Comment by Andre Hess|Empowered Soul on 8 June 2008:

Great article! I think it’s always interesting, too, to witness our reaction, take that deep breath (always, always good advice) and say: “What does my perspective on this interaction say about me?”

After all, the world and the people in it are one big mirror. How we interpret the actions of others can teach us a great deal about ourselves! Instead of “Wow, I wonder what his story is?” we could ask “Wow, I wonder what I can learn about myself from my reaction to this guy.”

Blessings,
Andrea
Comment by Tim Brownson on 8 June 2008:

@ Erek - Spot on, I couldn’t agree more. Taking that first step of personal responsibility is not always easy though.

@ Andrea - I couldn’t agree more with you too! I guess I’m just a yes man ;-) Thanks for the comment.
Comment by Robert on 10 June 2008:

I used to do this all the time, and then over time I gradually did it less and less. I used to feel responsible for everyone’s rotten mood. I’ve gotten better at it by throwing in humor like, “maybe their donut had no jelly in it this morning” OR “their mood is not my fault…. they probably have an extreme case of explosive diarrhea and they are having trouble talking right now”. I have a little laugh inside and then carry on.
Comment by Todd on 11 June 2008:

I like your article Tim– but I don’t resonate with the idea that we do things ‘wrong’ and make ‘mistakes’. Once we take these words out of the equation and our language, we just take situations and our actions for what they are– and we free ourselves up to act from a place of greater wisdom as time goes on.
I just never saw the benefit in my own life of beating myself up with analyzing my own mistakes. Focusing on these negative words breeds more of them…and we create habits of acting out of fear of ‘not doing that again’. I don’t know…I just think language and framing is SO important. I am all about improving myself, and helping others, but I am through thinking of myself as a ‘horses ass’…no matter what I do, I accept and move on.
Would love to hear your thoughts on this, esp. with your NLP training!
Todd
Comment by Tim Brownson on 11 June 2008:

A-ha that’s what I like to see, some dissent in the ranks! About time too.

I think I know where you’re coming from and I’d be right there with you if I was talking about failure to describe a person rather than an event. I hate that word in the former context more than I hate the word hate, and I reeeealy hate hate.

Firstly, I NEVER said anything about beating ourselves up and council people against that on a regular basis. It’s one of the biggest hurdles as a coach I have to overcome. There seems to be a belief that it’s not ok to abuse others but it is ok to abuse ourselves.

I think that if we don’t accept that we make mistakes then we can actually abdicate personal responsibility and just say “Well yeh, that’s life, so what?”

Most of the greats in society are brilliant at learning from their mistakes and learning really quickly. Looking back and thinking “What did I do wrong, what can I learn from that etc” is not a problem if you accept it as a learning experience and don’t sit in a corner for 12 hours sobbing to yourself.

The horses ass expression may not be the best, but I will add that there is a world of difference in thinking you acted LIKE a horses ass and thinking you ARE a horses ass. I sometimes act like one, but I don’t really think I am one.

Thanks for opening it up, I value your opinion.
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