The Power To Influence - Part Two (Rapport Building)

Posted on 24 May 2007

Firstly, I should say that everybody can build rapport to a greater or lesser degree, we do it on a daily basis with family, friends, colleagues and casual acquaintances, it is how we communicate. To build rapport simply means to generate a relationship with another person that usually involves mutual trust and affinity. It can involve liking and respecting the other person but it is also possible to be in rapport with somebody that you are ambivalent about as a person.

I must confess that it is possible to influence somebody that you are not in rapport with (usually by fear) but it is far more difficult the effects are usually short-lived.

An important part of this to understand is that people like people who are like themselves. So we tend to gravitate to people that think like us, speak like us, act like us, even look like us. Therefore, when trying to build rapport quickly it is important to make the other person believe that you are like them.

Anybody that has worked in customer service will probably know of pacing and leading. This is a crucial tool for building rapport especially in situations when things may not be going well. Gone are the days when a smile and an apology is seen as the only option, as often as not this is just as likely to antagonize the other person than it is to appease them.

When we pace somebody we are closely matching their intensity, speed of delivery and tonality etc to make them feel like we are on the same page. This does not mean you should try and mimic their accent or any particular speech peculiarities that they may have just get as close as you can whilst remaining consistent with how you normally sound. That may sound contradictory but everybody varies their speech style somewhat depending on how excited, relaxed, anxious etc that they are so it is nothing like as obvious as you may think.

Note: Real experts will also pace somebody elses breathing and if you feel confident you can do that then go ahead and give it a go.

Once we have paced the other person for a few minutes we can then start to lead. This allows you to slowly change your own voice to what you think is appropriate and they will unconsciously follow.

Pacing and leading can almost get you there on your own especially if you are talking on the phone but in face-to-face there is another dynamic to throw in to the mix. Mirroring and matching. This is the point that most people throw up their arms in exasperation when I tell them what to do because they tend to think it will look obvious. Trust me, it wont.

Mirroring and matching are two sides of the same coin. In effect all you are doing is copying the body language of the person you are talking to. So if they cross their arms you do the same a second or two later, if they put their hand to their chin you do likewise. It sounds ridiculous and apparent but I have never had anybody ask me if I am mirroring them. The reason for that is that we do this naturally all the time when we are in rapport we just aren’t aware of it. Go and watch people in a social environment and you will see many examples of people doing this exact thing and you will also be able to spot people that are not in rapport as they seldom mirror or match.

So now you are a world class at pacing and mirroring and no doubt want to step it up a level so lets introduce something called active listening.

Have you ever talked to somebody that was constantly looking past you as though they were looking for somebody else? What about somebody that kept checking their cell phone or looking at their watch, or simply refusing to make eye contact? Were you impressed? I would imagine unless you knew then very well them the answer would be an empathtic no!

Most people like to think they are interesting whether they are or not. By showing them in the only meaningful way possible by listening intently you will make a huge impression. Make them the focus of your attention (Note: don’t freak then out by staring straight into the eyes for 5 minutes non-stop) by leaning into the conversation, nodding your head when appropriate and being congruent. By that I mean, make sure that if your eyes are smiling your face is too, that if your voice is saying yes, your body language is giving off the same signals etc. Unless it completely throws out your pacing, try and keep your body open and your arms uncrossed.

Many people during a conversation spend most of their time inside their own head concocting a biting response or checking out references to see if they agree with the other person. Great listeners get out of their own heads and concentrate on the other person. There will be plenty of time to create a response after they have made their point and this way you will have a far greater understanding of the point that was being made and how to react to it.

Actively listening is a skill that requires practice and patience. Most people have a natural inclination to dive in whenever they have a point to make and holding back even when you have a world-shatteringly important piece of information takes a great deal of discipline but the results can make it very worthwhile.