The process of remembering that the same is true with negativism is very important as we need to pay attention – close attention to what we say and do and how we do them!

Great post – one of those – I have to look inside of myself and make a few adjustment posts!

I think that’s true of just about everything. It’s like Barbara Grizutti Harrison said, “There are no original ideas. Just original people.”

I’m glad both Tim’s site and yours exist so people from different walks of life have the opportunity to incorporate these insights into their every-day-choices! I know it helps me to see different perceptions of the same concepts.

Lori

Loris last blog post..Top 10 Stupid, Overpriced Things People Buy for Halloween

Thanks a lot for going to the trouble that you did because your response was well thought out and pushes me to think about what I wrote. I’m always grateful for that.

I’m sorry that me saying ‘will’ is neutral makes you lose judgment in me, but I do stand by it.

I meant neutral in terms of the effect it has on our psyche and body language, not in literal terms. When people make flat statements of intent, it has little effect on their physiology in my experience, and that is what I was referring to in this post.

I think on the whole though we are in agreement on more than we disagree on and you explained your points brilliantly! Thanks.

@ NAB – We are indeed twins, I promised not to tell you, but the cats well and truely out of that particular bag now.

I love the phrase “I want.” So empowering! How many of us give ourselves the permission to truly WANT something? (Hmm, I think I’ve discovered the topic of my next post!)

Lovely post.

1) NEUTRAL WORDS

First, “will” “choose to” and so on are not neutral, and I lose faith in your judgment when you say they are. Those words claim decisive intent.

The more neutral term would be something like “it would be good to XXX” or “XXX would have positive effects”. That does not claim that you are required to do something, but also does not express a determination to do it.

If you do NOT choose to do something, don’t use those terms. Save “will” and “choose to” for things that you really plan to do.

2) YET

I love the word “Yet”. Almost any failure can be reversed by adding that one little word to the end of the expression.

3) DISCRIMINATION

Hoo boy. I think a rational being can agree that ANY ONE person’s experience in ANY ONE case of perceived discrimination can be anything from objective fact to wholly hallucinatory. We often look for a reason that people might have reacted to us in a certain way, and assign it to something that fits our view of the world.

Real life example 1: The young white waitress is inattentive and grouchy. The teen science nerd might assign it to “I’m not loveable” or “Waitpeople here are stupid”. A black customer might assign it to “she’s a racist”. On the other hand, one of her friends popping by might assign it, more properly, to the fact that she was at a Three Weird Sisters concert until four o’clock the prior morning. The perceived discrimination is solely in the mind of the black customer, based upon misperception of an actual event.

Real life example 2: A person submits his resume to a company, with an obviously black name at the top. The screener looks only at the name and tosses it into the reject pile. Discrimination has factually occurred, although the job seeker has no way to know that.

Real life example 3: A black person submits his resume to a company, where it is analyzed and found to lack certain requirements that are met by other specific applicants for the same position. The more qualified applicants get the job. No discrimination has occurred.

However, the job seeker has heard about people discriminating on names and decides that he has therefore been discriminated against in this case. This is a wholly imaginary assignment, based upon no event at all.

The more real discrimination a person has experienced, or been conditioned to believe in, the more likely they are to mis-assign a problem interaction or negative event into that category. That doesn’t mean the category of event doesn’t exist, just that it is perceived more often than it is true.

The question then becomes, how useful is it to assign any particular negative interaction to discrimination? Does it add to your ability to deal with the situation, or take away?

I submit that, in most cases, assigning negative interactions to discrimination is disempowering rather than empowering. Because, honestly, racism and especially institutional racism is something that the discriminated-against has no *personal* power over.

On the other hand, in every other kind of interpersonal relationship event, an individual has power. You have the power of how you react. You have the power of the meaning you assign to the event.

Even were the waitress in event 1 a true bigot, a black person who chose to frame the event as, “this is a chance to make this cranky waitress’s day wonderful” would have more chance of a positive outcome than the black person who decides “this white chick is a racist.” At least the former is working on his abilities to be at cause, while the latter is working on his ability to be a victim.

Twill