Mind Your Language

How big an impact do you think the language that you use on a day-to-day basis has on the quality of your life? When I say language, I mean the words you use to converse with others and more significantly, yourself. If you had to rate it on a scale of importance from 1 to 100, where 1 means it has no effect whatsoever and 100 means it’s the only thing that has any influence, where would you score it? Give it some thought before you read on because I doubt it’s a question you’ve ever asked yourself before and I don’t want my opinions to influence you…..yet.

I said give it some thought. Don’t just pluck a random figure out of thin air! Do as you’re told or I’m not going to write anymore.

Ok, that’s better. We can crack on now.

I want you to close your eyes at the end of the next paragraph and imagine this scene. I know I’m drunk with power now I’ve got you to think of a number, but humor me nonetheless. You’re at work on a Monday morning and a friend is talking to you at the water cooler and says something like this:

“Jeez this week looks tough. Tomorrow I’ve got to have lunch with Judy because she’s going through a real tough time with her pig of a husband. I really shouldn’t because I’m so busy with that really important project that took over from the last important project and has to be done before the next important project. On Wednesday I’ve got to go and see my mom at lunchtime when I really need to go and change those jeans I bought that don’t look right. Then on Thursday I’m at the gym at 6.30am and I have to have lose 2lbs before then because I’ve promised my trainer. On top of that I need to go to get the flights and hotels booked for our trip to London for the 2012 Olympics. And don’t even mention Friday because it’s a bloody nightmare. I’ve got to take the dog to the vets for his boosters, clean all the windows in the house, finish a pile of ironing, broker a middle east peace initiative and be out of the house by 7.00pm because we’re going to dinner with friends. Jeez, I’m gonna need my crack pipe by then I can tell you.”

If you actually bothered to visualize it, my guess would be that you didn’t see or hear a happy scene. The person talking would have sounded miserable because it’s impossible to use language like that congruently and not sound miserable, or at least unhappy. Not only that, but I can tell you without the need to read your mind that they had a downward slope to their shoulders and a fairly unhappy, worn down, woe is me look on their face, not dissimilar to a bloodhound that’s just been told Christmas has been canceled and it’s all his fault.

The only thing that caused that reaction was the language because there wasn’t anything else. It can’t be the events because nothing’s actually happened yet; it was the stories that the person was articulating that were causing the unhappy feelings.

There are a number of things going on in that monologue that aren’t at all helpful, but in this post I want to concentrate on one aspect and it’s something we refer to in NLP as model operators as necessity. These are words and phrases like ‘must’ ‘need to’ have to’ and ‘got to’

In and of themselves they aren’t really a problem. In fact we need them from time to time (pun intended). They only become an issue when we use them improperly and more importantly, incessantly. “Oh come on Tim” I hear you wail, “They’re only little words” Yeh right, and that’s only a little rash, so you may as well ignore that too.

So what’s the problem then, why are they such an issue when used inappropriately?

They remove choice. If you say you have to do something, then there is no option. Not a bad thing you may be thinking after all we need to breathe, we need to work and we need to tell everybody we know to read this blog. However, when we use those kind of expressions to describe things that really aren’t needed, don’t have to be done and aren’t necessities we put an undue amount of pressure on ourselves. We start to feel like we’re backed into a corner and have no way out. This can have one of two effects.

1) We do what we say we have to do and feel crap about it.
2) We don’t do what we say we’re going to do and feel crap about it.

Now that is what I call a lose/lose, situation, but wait, it can get even worse. It’s even possible to achieve a lose/lose/lose if you buckle down and work hard enough at it.

If you’re constantly telling yourself that you need to lose weight, must quit smoking, should join a gym and you don’t comply with any of that, what do you think the effect over time on your self-esteem will be? Not good let me tell you. You can get to the stage where you no longer trust yourself to do what you say you’re going to do. However, you still persist in using the same language and failing to understand why you feel so bad and why you never follow through with your good intentions.

You can change that though by changing the words you use.

The first stage is to recognize if you’re one of the many people even doing this and if it’s having a negative effect on you. Start by simply checking in with your language from time to time because most of this stuff goes on in the background. It’s like the noise of an A/C system, in time you tune it out and don’t recognize it, but by being mindful you can start to become more consciously aware.

If when you have taken the time to check in with yourself you feel that you are being too restrictive and want to change, there are two options.

Firstly, you can change those words to ones that elicit a flat response. Instead of saying “I need to do that” say “I’m going to do that” and instead of “I must do that” say “I will do that” These are simple statements of fact that don’t really have a negative or positive effect on our physiology or psyche. There’s no slumping of the shoulder or grimacing as a rule, just an acceptance of something that is going to happen.

The other option is to change from model operators of necessity to model operators of possibility. These include phrases like “love to” “want to” “like to” etc. When we use these we instantly feel better about something. With clients I occasionally get told that I’m being unrealistic when I suggest this for negative situations and I usually have to stifle an unprofessional eye roll.

Don’t get me started on reality because I’ll be here all day, but let me say this. You make your own reality; it’s completely subjective, so why not use every tool at your disposal to make it a brilliant one? I never fail to be amazed by people that insist on telling me why they can’t do something rather than looking for reasons why they can.

Try saying, “I want to go to the gym” “I’d like to babysit for the lunatic kid next door” “I’d love to buy Tim’s book” See what effect it has. It may well feel weird to start with but so did naked mud wrestling so that’s no reason to quit. Persist and eventually you’ll feel better about whatever it is you want to get done and the cool part is you’ll even start to fool your unconscious into believing it’s true.

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”
- Frank Outlaw

Oh and by the way, you may have guessed by now but I’d score the importance of this somewhere round about 97 or 98. It’s not unreasonable to say I think it’s fairly important.

One final thing. In my book I looked at this subject in a slightly different manner. I’d been in a gas station where a woman had told the assistant she needed to get a carton of cigarettes. This has an altogether different connotation because she’s telling herself that she needs something that is harmful. I’m guessing that she probably thinks she needs to quit too, but whilst she uses the same language to describe both experiences, she’ll find it incredibly tough, no matter how many nicotine patches she plasters to herself.

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40 Comments So Far.

Comment by Ali on 19 June 2008:

I read this with an uncomfortable sense of guilt. I know I often use “I NEED” when I really mean “I would like” or “It would be nice to”. Like last weekend when I said I NEEDED to get ten blog posts written by Sunday evening. You can guess what that did for my grumpiness-levels…

Next time I’m having a blogathon, I’m going to really try to go with “I will” or “I want to”.

(PS - buy Tim’s book! Cos that’s not a WANT to, it’s a NEED to ;-))
Comment by Vered on 19 June 2008:

“Don’t get me started on reality because I’ll be here all day, but let me say this. You make your own reality; it’s completely subjective, so why not use every tool at your disposal to make it a brilliant one?”

I can’t agree that reality is COMPLETELY subjective, but I do agree that many aspects of it are. Words do have power and I like your advice about using them to empower ourselves rather than to lower our own self-esteem.
Comment by Vered on 19 June 2008:

Oh, and I have Tim’s book and to judge by the first three chapters, it is AWESOME.
Comment by Laurie on 19 June 2008:

This past year I have picked up some weight. I was stressed from work and life in general (yum,yum,cookies!)and I started some meds that are known for causing you to bulk up so to speak. I keep saying “I’ve gotta lose the weight!” But I haven’t and I feel defeated in that respect. Yes, I do want to lose the weight, I’d love to lose the weight, but I haven’t yet. My reality is a bit larger than I’d like it to be right now. :O) I do think your words play so much in how you feel about yourself. Some folks have made negative self talk into an art form. I think is totally affects your quality of life and how successful you are.
Comment by Mags | Woo-Woo Wisdom on 20 June 2008:

One of my university lecturers (a very loud and opinionated guy - very entertaining in class!) used to insist that Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs was better labelled “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Wants”. When one of the students objected with the argument that at the most basic survival level, water was a need not a want, our lecturer disagreed… his argument for why water was a want: you still have a choice… do you want to live or do you want to die?!
Comment by Barbara Swafford on 20 June 2008:

hehe Tim, I like how your slipped in “and we need to tell everybody we know to read this blog.” Good one.

We do have so many choices in life, and our words are powerful. I find if I start my day off feeling grateful for another day, my attitude usually remains positive, as do my words.

As far as negativity in others, if after numerous attempts of trying to get them to see the positive, they don’t change, I tend to distance myself from them. Relationships with negative people often end up being very toxic.

Regretfully I must leave and move forward to read other great works of art.
Comment by Dave Fowler on 20 June 2008:

Hi Tim,

I picked 90%, and was surprised to see that I was still a little way from your figure of 97/98%.

The shocking truth of the language I use, is reflected back to me by my children. I hear them using the same tones and phrases with each other as I use with them. It’s a sobering moment of realisation.

I think you owe the bloodhound an apology (as I’m assuming you were the one who broke the news (nobody else could be so cruel)).
Comment by Tim Brownson on 20 June 2008:

@ Ali - Thanks for the endorsement! When you change your language next time remember to check into how you feel with the new way of thinking. The changes at first may be really subtle, even difficult to detect, but stick with it and in time they will be apparent.

@ Vered- Brilliant! That’s what I want, a good old fashioned debate. I’ll tell you what, you tell me what isn’t subjective and I’ll do my best to explain what I mean either here or in a new blog and let’s see if we can reach a consensus.

BTW, I’m not paying these people to mention my book, honest.

@ Laurie - The word ‘yet’ is very powerful too. When you say you haven’t lost weight yet you presuppose you will so stick with that!

@ Mags - LMAO, that’s a great story and I’d have loved to be taught by somebody like that.

@ Barbara - That’s very tough to do, to walk away from negative friends, but I tend to agree, if you want to move forward as a person it’s necessary.

@ Dave - That’s a great point about what you say in front of your kids, they’re modeling the hell out of you every day. The only reason that I don’t have the figure at 100% is because of the nagging feeling that I may be missing something, but if I’m being honest I have no reason to believe at this stage that words aren’t everything.
Comment by Naomi Dunford on 20 June 2008:

Well, I don’t know about the other people here, but he is paying ME to mention his book. ;)

Very, very, very, very, very, very good point.
Comment by Jennifer on 20 June 2008:

What I want to know is did you pick the picture of the bloodhound first or did you choose to use the verbal illustration fist and then find the picture? :)

I’m mad. You made me really think. :) Acuatally I’m really glad. I “have to” say, “thank you” many times over. I “have to” print this post out and reread it several times. I have come a long long way in the words I use, but this gives me opportunity for improvement.

The thing that struck me the most was the fact that if we “choose” to use these negative words we ironically take away our “choice.” We are saying that we don’t have a choice of what to do which brings about the lose/lose thing you talked about. Just think, by eliminating these words we FREE ourselves to do what it most important to us. How liberating is that!!

My mentor recently added the “should” statement to the thinking error list. Your post takes it even further. I’m “going to” recommend this post to him and share it with lots of people.

BTW, I picked the same numbers as you - 97 or 98.
Comment by Dr. KC on 20 June 2008:

The power of language. The power of words. I could begin a whole dissertaton on that topic. But I’ll simply say here that I absolutely loved this article. I love the quote by Frank Outlaw. Nothing holds more truth.

Do you believe that most people have even a modest amount of knowledge as to how their words (positive or negative) impact and affect others or themselves?

By learning how to talk to ourselves in the correct way, we can grow leaps and bounds towards our goals. It can really be that simple sometimes.

Thank you for this great article, Tim. Always a pleasure to be here!

Doc KC
Comment by Vered on 21 June 2008:

Tim is NOT paying me to mention his AWESOME book.

What is not subjective:

Discrimination. If you are black, or a woman, or gay etc. - you face discrimination and yes, you control how you deal with it but you don’t control those circumstances (your gender and the discrimination that follows).

Illnesses. If you suffer from a serious physical or mental illness, this affects your reality and again you will probably respond that you are still in charge of what you do with what life dealt you but I still maintain that your reality is NOT completely your choice and not entirely subjective.
Comment by Tom Volkar / Delightful Work on 21 June 2008:

Tim this is excellent writing on one of the most important lessons we can learn. I took a stab and put the importance of language at a 95. You have done a wonderful job of suggesting alternatives so that our language can be obligation-free!
Comment by Tim Brownson on 21 June 2008:

@ Naomi - Don’t tell them that! My credibility is shot now ;-)

@ Jennifer - Thanks a lot for that. The line I had wasa different one involving a bloodhound and some sharks but when I saw that photo I changed it because it mad eme laugh so much. No bloodhounds were harmed during the writing of this post.

@ KC - I think that less than 10% of people realize. It’s easy to forget sometimes that because we read this stuff and are involved on a daily basis that it is completely alien to a great many people.

@ Vered - Right the gloves are coming off! I think that deserves a post in its own right and that’s exactly what it will get within the next 2 or 3 days. Thanks for the inspiration and expanding the debate. Love it!

@ Tom - Thanks a lot Tom and I’m still wondering what makes up the final fraction??
Comment by Tom Volkar / Delightful Work on 21 June 2008:

What makes up your final fraction Mr. 98? Who said we were talking percentages anyway? I thought it was importance on a scale of 1 to 100. Isn’t that different than 100%?
Comment by Benny Greenberg on 21 June 2008:

Forever I have said:

When you give positive you get positive and when you get positive you give positive.

The process of remembering that the same is true with negativism is very important as we need to pay attention - close attention to what we say and do and how we do them!

Great post - one of those - I have to look inside of myself and make a few adjustment posts!

Ben
Comment by Tim Brownson on 21 June 2008:

@ Tom - Well yeh, technically you’re right I suppose, but It still begs the question what would make it 100?

@ Ben - Paying attention is absolutely critical I agree but it seems to be the last thing on peoples minds unfortunately.
Comment by Dave Fowler on 21 June 2008:

Tim,

Thanks for the feedback. It’s good to know that the term is ‘modeling’.

It’s been on my my now for a while, that the behaviour of my kids is strongly linked to the way I behave.

I’m currently trying to understand this process and I’m reading a book called “They F*** You Up” by Oliver James. I’ve got to say though that it’s heavy going and in two months I’m only halfway through - and nowhere near an understanding. Hopefully the remainder of the book will reveal the answer (in two months time. Haha).

Cheers,
Dave
Comment by Matthew on 21 June 2008:

Tim, very interesting post. I am in full agreement that your self talk has a strong impact on your external reality.

I realized this a while back and for years now I have been meticulously watching the words I use to describe my situation. If they are bad, I re frame them completely.

This also plays a big role in affirmations and how the words you use must be picked and tailored correctly in order to promote the correct message.

great job.

-Matt
Comment by Tim Brownson on 22 June 2008:

@ Dave - You’re welcome. I am familiar with the book you mention but I’ve never read it. Apart from some training books, if any book is hard work for me I usually put it down and start another.

@ Matthew - Reframing is an incredible powerful tool and I did a video blog on it a few days ago. Thanks for the feedback and I’d like to add you have a great blog going there, looking forward to reading more.
Comment by Evan on 23 June 2008:

Another language game I have found liberating is changing “I can’t” to “I won’t”.
Comment by Jennifer on 23 June 2008:

Tim, I just wanted to come back and say how much this post has already and will continue to change my life. It’s great to have choices. I did a lot of thinking about it over the weekend and am now implenting.

Evan, I also did a lot of thinking about “I can’t.” How many times we use that phrase is it a false statement? How many times does it put limitations on us that aren’t even there in reality?
Comment by Tim Brownson on 23 June 2008:

@ Evan - I’m not really sure what you mean, in what context?

@ Jennifer - That’s fantastic, and thanks a lot for the feedback.
Comment by Evan on 23 June 2008:

Sorry Tim,

I guess I was a bit terse.

What I meant was that when we say “I can’t” this isn’t strictly true. Is it true that I can’t make the meeting then. Not really, it’s just that I have other priorities.

When we say “I can’t” this is sometimes accompanied by feeling of inability or we forget that we have choices.

To remind ourselves that we have choices (eg. to alter our priorities) instead of saying “I can’t” we can instead say “I won’t”.

Hope this makes more sense.

Evan
Comment by Robert A. Henru on 24 June 2008:

Tim, one question, what do you think of people saying “I will try…”?
I guess many has associated that as a bad behavior.
Appreciate your opinion.
Thanks,
Robert
Comment by Tim Brownson on 24 June 2008:

O Evan - OK thanks for the clarification, gotchya, and yes it makes perfect sense.

@ Robert - I’m not sure the recent trend to jump all over people that say something like that is useful although I do understand that the intent is well meaning. It’s almost become a hanging offense in self development circles for people to say “I’ll try”. I have to say I’m not keen on it, because it does have a load of unconscious connotations of failure, but I personally find myself using it from time to time. The easy way out with a client rather than reprimanding them is to try and understand what they mean by using that phrase and what their commitment level really is to follow through.
Comment by Jennifer on 24 June 2008:

Evan, we could also say “I choose not to” or “I’m sure that will be a great meeting, but I have some other things I’m doing at that time.” Of course it all depends on the situation as to what you would say exactly.

Tim, I keep saying throughout the day, “I choose to” do this or that, instead of “I need to” do this or that and often I choose not to do something because it really is not important after all. It’s great. More time to do the important things….
Comment by Dr. Nicole Sundene on 24 June 2008:

You know I was just thinking about how our words affect us the other day! Ever since I gave up cussing (well try really hard not to ever do it…LOL) I have found I am much happier and peaceful. There is a difference between expressing emotions and dwelling in a chronic state of unnecessary crankiness.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 24 June 2008:

@ Jennifer - yep, choose to is a great option, I like it. I choose to have that root canal sounds much better than I have to ;-)

@ Dr Nicole - Whoa there, I’m not sure about giving up cussing, I like a good cuss from time to time!
Comment by Jennifer on 24 June 2008:

Tim, yikes, I think I’ll choose something else besides a root canal! :)
Just try the no cussing thing. You may be amazed at the difference! What have you got to loose?
Pingback by Illuminated Mind » I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends on 25 June 2008:

[...] who helped me re-brand. And thank you to Jemi, Luciano, Mary, Al, Shilpan, Evelyn, Akemi, Shann, Tim, Tina, and Tom (I didn’t order them like that on purpose, I swear) for helping me get the [...]
Comment by Katie West/Life Renovations on 25 June 2008:

Tim, Thanks for the great article! Kurt Wright talks about asking the question, “What is going right today” and allowing that shift to inform how we see our day. Your article reminded me of how powerful that change can be.
Katie
Comment by Tim Brownson on 26 June 2008:

@ Katie - Thanks for that and I like that question….a lot!
Pingback by The privilege in your pocket: a manifesto at Hoyden About Town on 22 July 2008:

[...] Mind Your Language on the role that word choice plays in opinion and situation and feeling. [...]
Comment by Pamela on 27 July 2008:

Hi,Tim

I do hate getting invited to download something for free and then get asked to enter my credit card, even if it’s only for 5 bucks. In your case, you don’t strike me at all as the sneaky kind, so I think (hope) you simply made an innocent mistake.

In your last paragraph, the link that says “download my free e-book by clicking here” actually leads to a non-free e-book. At the beginning of the same paragraph I found a link that says “One final thing. In my book …” and this leads to three ebooks, scrolling down I found a (the?) free one.

I do hope it was just an innocent mixup of links, that I beg you to correct. I’m quite surprised that nobody pointed this out in a previous comment. Maybe they all had your book (the paid one(s?), I assume) already ;-)
Comment by Tim Brownson on 27 July 2008:

@ Pamela - A-ha! Thanks for letting me know. I originally wrote that article when my e-book was purely a word doc converted into a PDF. I then paid to have it professionally produced and decided to charge a small amount (about 10 days ago).

I’m glad you don’t think I’m sneaky and I’ll be sending you a free version of the new e-book.

Thanks again and I appreciate you letting me know.
Comment by Pamela on 28 July 2008:

Isn’t it nice that thinking positive pays off? I was absolutely right to give you the benefit of the doubt! My faith in humankind has been notched up another bit. Thanks for making that happen!
Comment by Writer Dad on 14 August 2008:

Few things have more value than the words we use. This is a common theme in my life. It’s one of the reasons I started a blog. I think that once you commit something to writing, it’s instantly more tangible, which makes the accountability swell.
Pingback by 28 Astute Takes of Insight on Living a Prolific Life | Marc and Angel Hack Life on 15 August 2008:

[...] Use positive language… it changes the way you think. – “Try saying, “I want to go to the gym”, “I’d like to babysit for the lunatic kid next door”… See what effect it has. It may well feel weird to start with but so did naked mud wrestling, so that’s no reason to quit. Persist and eventually you’ll feel better about whatever it is you want to get done and the cool part is you’ll even start to fool your unconscious into believing it’s true.” – via The Discomfort Zone [...]
Comment by Tim Brownson on 15 August 2008:

@ Writer Dad - Great point, that’s why written goals are so much more powerful imho. Just that act of writing them down makes them seem more achievable.