Life Coaching To Be Banned

This could be one of my last ever posts as I read with sadness last nigh that Obama’s new Government is looking to ban Life Coaching by the end of April. Not only that, but they have declared NLP illegal and an act of treason punishable by 20 years of hard rock breaking, as of midnight last night.

Government spokesperson John Johnny ‘JJ’ Johnsonburger III Jnr Snr said in a brief statement

“Life Coaching is a cancer of modern society. The idea that people will pay other people to help them become more successful, happy and prosperous in life is anathema to the constitution of the United States…..probably. I bet these people all eat tofu, keep dolphins in their backyard and worship Stalin.”

Asked why NLP had been banned with immediate effect, he replied, “NLP, or ‘No Longer Possible’ as we like to call it now (smug smile), involves the use of black magic. I once heard of a guy that had a phobia removed by NLP and a woman that became more confident after seeing an NLP Practitioner. I ask you, how is that feasible without whipping out a cauldron and mixing some eye of newt, lizard tale, monkey blood, bat claws and MSG and then simmering over a low heat for 6 hours?

It’s not, is the answer, and it’s our policy to immediately outlaw anything that we don’t understand. We have a very busy schedule over the coming months let me tell you”

When asked what about the really successful business people and Democratic Party contributors that currently employ life coaches? “Er, well, um, they don’t have life coaches they have Success Training Developers, or STD’s as we prefer to call them and that’s a completely different thing. They will be allowed to proceed with our blessing and it is completely coincidental that these people contributed to our election fund and we hope more people will get STD’s”

When a pesky reporter pointed out that he’d heard on good authority Mr. Johnsonburger currently employs a life coach to help him with his public speaking, Johnsonburger looked visibly shocked.

“How did you know that?” he stammered glancing furtively at the small bespectacled man holding a clipboard, and video camera standing by his side “I mean it’s not true at all, I would never need anybody to help me perform to my utmost and fulfill my true potential.

Anyway Ned isn’t a life coach he is my, er, er, therapist. No, not my therapist, God damn it, I mean he was my personal soothsayer, er no that’s not right either, (Muffled expletive) Er, er, he was my lover. Yes! That’s it, he was my gay lover”

He then mopped his brow, breathed a huge sigh of relief and was heard to say under his breath “Phew, nice recovery Johnny Boy” At which point, his wife standing nearby burst into tears, and the man by his side feinted.

“What can I do to halt this outrage” I hear you ask. The bill to make Life Coaching illegal has still to be passed and I’d like your help in making sure this doesn’t happen. Write your congressman/women, bombard Oprah with e-mails and get some famous people to put on a concert and blubber a lot on TV.

You can also sign our online petition by clicking here. It’s down to you people and I’m counting on you to do the right thing because I don’t know how to do anything else and I can’t go back to the UK because it’s cold, rains a lot and full of people that want to sneer at me skulking back with my tail between my legs.

Link Love: My favoirite blog on the internet, Put Things Off happens to be run by the guy that designed this blog and my snazzy new sidebar. I have linked to his stuff before, but I don’t care because I’m doing so again. Go and subscribe now!

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41 Comments So Far.

Comment by Annette Kerr on 1 April 2009:

HAHAHAHA!!

Thanks v much for this v amusing April foll’s article!!
Comment by Annette Kerr on 1 April 2009:

Oops!! “April FOOLS” (D’oh!!)

LOL

:D
Comment by Blogger Dad on 1 April 2009:

HA HA!

Don’t worry, it won’t become law, I hear the life coaches have some the same lobbyists as AIG and BOA.
Comment by Melinda on 1 April 2009:

Sick Tim, very sick! LOLOL!

Actually, I love how you’ve written this! You seem to have an endless supply of inventiveness and imagination!

Melindas last blog post..Seven Facts About Me (That Most People Don’t Know)
Comment by Kool Aid on 1 April 2009:

maybe I’m on the gullible side, but you had me going there!

Kool Aids last blog post..Life’s interruptions
Comment by Marc – WelshScribe on 1 April 2009:

Typical of John Johnny ‘JJ’ Johnsonburger III Jnr Snr. Who put him in power anyway!

Idiots.

Although he’s right about the lizard tale, those reptiles have a knack for telling stories.

Marc – WelshScribes last blog post..Tag You’re It
Comment by Diane on 1 April 2009:

My favourite of the day :-)
Love the book titles
Comment by Vlad Dolezal on 1 April 2009:

It’s about time they banned this silly life coaching business!

And good thing you’ll have to get a REAL job too, Tim. No more waving your hands around and talking and pretending you can improve people’s confidence and happiness just like that. Proper manual labor builds a man’s character, that’s what I always used to say.

Vlad Dolezals last blog post..Get Rid of Procrastination! – 7 Days to Lasting Personal Growth
Comment by Derek @ NüHabits on 1 April 2009:

I’m embarrassed to admit that you had me for the entire first paragraph. This was an awesome post! I almost wanted to double check w/ a Google search at the end, but then I scrolled down to the comments!

Daaaaarn you Browwwwwnnsssooonnnnn!!!!! (beating the sand like Charlton Heston at the end of Planet of the Apes)

Derek @ NüHabitss last blog post..I’m a LEED AP now! (Habit Archiving Coming Soon…)
Comment by Claire on 1 April 2009:

Thank God! No more bloody inane videos of you waffling on and rubbish posts!

Hang on! We don’t want you back in the UK.

/runs off to sign imaginary petition………

Claires last blog post..Mostly drinking from this
Comment by Steven Aitchison on 1 April 2009:

I’m on the phone to the prime minister just now, you see I’m his life coach, and he says Obama will never get away with it. I’m just about to call Obama after I speak with Gordon, I’ll give him reduced rates of $5000 per hour and see if that will entice him to change his mind.

Nice one Tim

Steven Aitchisons last blog post..Guided Meditation – Well of The Wyrd
Comment by Vincent on 1 April 2009:

Hi Tim,

You got me here. Haha. Happy April Fool’s Day.

Cheers
Vincent
Personal Development Blogger

Vincents last blog post..What Is The Meaning Of Your Name?
Comment by Nathalie Lussier on 1 April 2009:

I knew this was going to happen once everyone in California turned into a life coach. It was just a matter of time! ;)

Thanks for the laugh Tim. I love the new sidebar, by the way!

Nathalie Lussiers last blog post..How To Find The Opportunities Among The Possibilities
Comment by Stephen – Rat Race Trap on 1 April 2009:

He doesn’t have to ban it Tim. He spent everyone’s money for the next gazillion years so nobody can afford you anymore. :-)

Stephen – Rat Race Traps last blog post..Positivity Leads to a Flourishing Life
Comment by Tim Brownson on 1 April 2009:

@ Marc – A good point. Heads will roll and John Johnny ‘JJ’ Johnsonburger III Jnr Snr’s will be the first to drop in the basket.

@ Vlad – Can’t talk now, off to build a wall or something like that.

@ Derek – Really you actually believed there was a sentence of 20 years of hard rock breaking? Oh dear me ;-) BTW, do you remember that $2,000 you owe me, I need it by tomorrow.

@ Claire – Well just for that I’m coming back anyway!

@ Steve – I knew I could rely on a gritty Scot to kick some ass, move some mountains and make stuff happen.

@ Stephen – My God you’re right!
Comment by Nick Cernis on 1 April 2009:

Speaking as a certified Level III Personal Soothsayer and the founder of the incontrovertibly popular Annual Riotous Sayers’ Evening (ARSE), I was one of the few who welcomed the announcement regarding the proposed stripping of life coaches of their status, profession and undergarments.

I have long sought a generic scapegoat to point the finger of malcontent whenever my own good reputation should come into question, and what better profession to degrade and relegate than one that enriches the lives of millions whilst demanding so little in return?

Of course, as an experienced Sayer of Sooths, I’d seen this development in the coaching arena coming several months ago, and only failed to mention it because I was busy lunching with my good friend Bernie, where I laid down a fat million on something he called a Future Annuity Reconciled Credit Entity (FARCE).

My sixth sense tells me I’m onto a winner.

Tim Brownsons last blog post..The End of Free Content
Comment by Lea on 1 April 2009:

This is my first time visiting your site. OMG! You had me going despite my mind saying…”this can’t be happening.” lol

But what I really want to say is- You have a great site where not only is the author creative, but so are the people who comment. Fantastic!

I’m now a reader and I have the RSS subscription to prove it :)

Leas last blog post..Inspirational Quotes
Comment by T on 1 April 2009:

“Government spokesperson John Johnny ‘JJ’ Johnsonburger III Jnr Snr” –[rolling on floor] [laughing]
Comment by DebDeb on 1 April 2009:

Baning the arrogance of life coaching, where do I sign up?
Comment by Travis Vocino on 1 April 2009:

I was actually wholeheartedly agreeing with the first few paragraphs. No disrespect, but I’m sure you can acknowledge that a lot of these life coach type services are basically bottom-feeders that thrive on selling “the dream.” The Secret seminars, books and videos come to mind.

Not much different than the million-dollar shortcut infomercials at 2AM.

Of course, I’m not saying they should be banned by a government.

Travis Vocinos last blog post..A History of Disbelief
Comment by Tim Brownson on 1 April 2009:

@ Nick – Wise words from the man that has soothed more sayers that Sammmy Sam Soothsayer Scotlands Sexy Seven Second Soothsaying Supremo!

@ Lea – Thanks and welcome!

@ DebDeb – Hit a nerve there, have I? ;-)

@ Travis – Not really sure what a bottom feeder is other than a very lazy fish that doesn’t like to swim too much. OTOH, as you probably know I’m not a fan of ‘The Secret’ or Life Coaches that aren’t qualified. In fact I would love to see regulation of the industry so I’m not sure if we agree, disagree or partially agree on some bits whilst having a tendency toward healthy disagreement on others.

Glad I could clear that one up.
Comment by Duff on 1 April 2009:

It’s about time someone in government protected us from us wackos.

Duffs last blog post..Transformation by Donation
Comment by Tara@Sticky Fingers on 1 April 2009:

That whole post was worth it just to hear someone call you a ‘bottom feeder’.

Tara@Sticky Fingerss last blog post..Fatties of the world unite
Comment by Tim Brownson on 1 April 2009:

@ Tara – Oh bloody hell, did he mean ME?

I thought he meant the crap life coaches. Waidder minute, he DID mean me!

Is it too late to get offended and storm off in a hissy fit taking my blog with me?
Comment by Tara@Sticky Fingers on 1 April 2009:

You can’t go. Where else do we get our fix of a balding Brit whose dogs provide the entertainment on his vids?

Tara@Sticky Fingerss last blog post..Fatties of the world unite
Comment by Tracy on 1 April 2009:

Ahhhhh! I knew I should have made the time to read the comments the first time around.

Oh wait, since I’m about to be a life-coachee, does that mean I’m the bottom? Dude.

Tracys last blog post..I am grumpy and grumbling this April Fool’s Day
Comment by Melinda on 1 April 2009:

I actually thought he was referring to you as the exception.

Melindas last blog post..Seven Facts About Me (That Most People Don’t Know)
Comment by Hugh on 1 April 2009:

This is my first time here and I had to stop and say thanks for the humor.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 1 April 2009:

@ Tara – Balding? What are you talking about? I’d have a thick head of hair with standing room only if I didn’t shave it twice daily.

@ Tracy – You are a feedette.

@ Melinda – Oh I’m all confused now.

@ Hugh – Eh? Humor? Where?

Welcome.
Comment by Jim | Revive Your Life on 1 April 2009:

Tim, you are officially crazy. You had me going for a little bit there I must admit. LOL!

Jim
Comment by Lori on 1 April 2009:

Hahahahahahahaha. Ha! This is why you are awesome, Tim. You had me into the 20 years of hard rock breaking.

Loris last blog post..99 Balloons: a Miracle Baby’s 99 Days
Comment by Evelyn Lim on 1 April 2009:

What???? I actually believed the whole post! I didn’t realize that it was an April Fool’s Joke until I read the comments! Great one there!! I’m still shaking my head….

Evelyn Lims last blog post..Visualize Your Dream House
Comment by Jeanne on 2 April 2009:

OMG!! That was good!! Like someone else said ya had me going there for a bit – yes, sometimes it takes me a while! But quickly I figured it out and could not help but laugh. What a great gag for the 1st!! BRAVO – nicely done!!
Comment by Doug on 2 April 2009:

Good one, Tim.

:>)

Sadly, it’s all too close to our current mass psychosis.

Ann Coulter actually believed Car and Driver’s April Fools prank that Obama would withhold funds from Detroit if they didn’t withdraw from Nascar events.

People will believe anything.

Or, if they don’t actually believe it, they want others to get all worked up about some non-existent thing. Like the one-world currency. Obama has never said or even hinted at anything that would even remotely imply a whisper about switching currencies, but that doesn’t stop lunatics from pushing the crazy.

Tim, the world needs some serious, serious “life coaching.”

P.S. Want to second the props for Nick Cernis. He helped me with my site as well. Excellent, speedy work.
Comment by Kilroy_60 on 4 April 2009:

I have a basic problem with “life coaches” because I think people who have that sort of need are going about solving it the wrong way. You’re much better off with a mentor with whom you can establish a solid relationship than paying someone to fix you. Not that I want to deprive anyone of a living.

Kilroy_60s last blog post..Fear And Loathing In Key West
Comment by Tim Brownson on 4 April 2009:

@ DOUG – LMAO at that! Pity poor An ;-)

@ Kilroy – I presume you have extensive knowledge of life coaches and what they do, huh?
Comment by caffeine head on 4 April 2009:

i think the PR manager of Car and Driver might have been on vacation or sleeping on the job when that Nascar April Fool’s article was published

caffeine heads last blog post..Ikea Coffee — Bryggkaffe Mellanrost (from home)
Comment by DebDeb on 7 April 2009:

Not at all Timmy, in fact, I think it might be the other way around. What would a competent coach on life think? You can ask one if you can find one.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 7 April 2009:

@ Debdeb – LOL, you’re obviously way too subtle and cunning for me because I can’t work out whether you’re saying I’m arrogant and incompetent or the entire coaching industry is?

If it’s just me, I can live with that as I presume we’ve worked together and you know me intimately. If it’s the entire industry I’m more inclined to lmao.

Or maybe it’s something completely different and I’m missing the point entirely?

Feel free to post an actual question or comment that makes sense and I’ll try and find somebody qualified to answer you ;-)
Comment by Bill Dueease on 10 April 2009:

Your blog will be added to our hall of fame of humorous coaching sites. Well done!

Bill Dueeases last blog post..Humorous Life Coaching Videos, TV Programs, Blogs, and Articles
Comment by harleyblues on 3 May 2009:

Hum, why should people pay for guidance? isn’t this what professional counselors are for? The ones with degrees that charge you an arm and both legs.. to listen and tell you what you already know, iside…

doen’t a life coach do the smae dang thing? lol

I’d ask a friend first, before I’d pay someone to re-afirm what I am doing in life is correct..

I say pray, to God or meditate….

ta

hb~

harleybluess last blog post..ELO does-The Beatles!