Judgment Day

If you are a regular long time reader here you know that I love working with people that have huge goals. I had one guy that wants to be worth $3 billion, another that wants to be able to provide free medical care to any person in the world through a chain of walk-in centers, and yet another that wants be the first man to hop on one leg from Chicago to Mexico City blindfolded and wearing only a sombrero.

I really get pumped when I ask a client what they want to achieve and they spend the next half hour battering me with their hopes, dreams and wishes, as their entire body language goes into an endorphin fueled hyper-state and I try and keep up with note taking and wondering how the hell we’re going to do all this in the 4 session package they’ve just purchased.

That’s not to say I don’t enjoy working with people that have no (conscious) idea what their dreams are, it’s just that they pose a different set of issues to work round and it can take a bit longer to get into the full on state I just described.

I currently have a client that is very results focused. Most people come to life coaching not really sure what it is they want. They know that there is something out there better, but just can’t put their finger on what it is. This guy isn’t like that; he knows exactly what it is he wants and when he wants it by and it’s just a question of implementing a plan of action to get him there.

The goal list he came to me with was straight forward enough and I knew he was capable of matching and exceeding almost all of them. However, there was one little goal in there that made me raise an eyebrow. Actually that’s a lie, because I can’t raise just one eyebrow without the aid of a finger or a piece of fishing twine threaded through my forehead skin and an elaborate pulley system. I’ve always wanted to be able to do it and I seethe with envy at people that do it with ease, but I am destined for a life of duality on the eyebrow front. I would have done it now though, if I could have.

The goal was “To be able to look at someone without judging them on their outer appearance”

You may be thinking “That’s not that difficult” Or you may have an grasp on reality and be thinking “Jeez, why doesn’t he just aim for being the first man to hope on one leg from Chicago to Mexico City blindfolded and wearing only a sombrero, that would be much easier?”

The latter is certainly my take on it because it doesn’t get much bigger than that when it comes to goal setting. We spent half a session talking about what he meant by this and started to put some ideas into place.

For a few days afterwards I kept going back to this in my mind and I have to be honest and say I was swinging backwards and forwards on whether I thought it was a realistic goal. I know, I know, I hate even saying that because it imposes restrictions that I am not at all comfortable with. Every time I had such a thought I flogged myself merciless in a Da Vinci code style to teach me a lesson. That didn’t really work though because the time I was at the dentist people started complaining when I stripped to the waist and pulled out my trusty whip to give myself a damn good thrashing. Have they never heard of live and let live?

I should explain what I mean by saying such a goal might be unrealistic. I do think in theory it’s attainable, but to do so it would require such a devotion to task and a commitment to life long practice that it would rule out many other things, things that this particular client deemed important too.

If you have such a desire I am not meaning to suggest it’s difficult, so don’t even try. If it’s so important to you, so fundamental at your core that you’re prepared to make the kind of sacrifices that would be required to acquire such an enlightened state of being, then definitely go for it! Just make sure you are aware of the ‘Ecology’ in SMARTER goals and you can deal with it in your stride.

There may be a compromise to this situation that allows you to work on becoming the best person you can be without turning your life upside down.

What if you just let go of the idea that you thought you had to stop judging people? That you accepted that you will judge people from time to time but vowed not to beat yourself up about it? Each time it happens, you recognize what you have done and change the thought in your mind. By doing this, the events when you judge others will start to become further and further apart as you become conscious of your thoughts. On the occasions when you do slide back you agree that there’ll be no negative repercussions aimed at yourself. Wouldn’t that be a cool place to be?

The act of being non-judgmental starts with not judging ones self and maybe that’s the hardest thing for any living person to achieve.

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4 Comments So Far.

1. 

   Comment by Amanda Linehan on 11 May 2008:

   Hi Tim, I agree that not judging someone based on their outer appearance is almost impossible. However, like you said in the 2nd to last paragraph, changing the thought in your mind after it happens is helpful. I think even just recognizing that you judge people helps you to think that first judgement through more carefully after you’ve done it. But, I’m not sure that there is any way to really avoid doing it in the first place.
2. 

   Comment by Tim Brownson on 12 May 2008:

   @ Amanda - Maybe the Dalia Lama and a few others have got it cracked but it’s a tough one for the rest of us. A worthy goal though!
3. 

   Comment by RJ on 12 May 2008:

   Great post Tim!
   I manage to avoid being too judgemental by choosing to believe that everyone is beautiful, unique and good a their core. That circumstances play a bigger role in how someone is rather than the person themself.
   It’s a naive belief but it works for me :)
   Keep up the good work!
4. 

   Comment by Tim Brownson on 13 May 2008:

   RJ, thanks for the feedback and what a cool way to look at things! I don’t even think it’s naive, I think the reality is that’s it’s naive to think otherwise ;-)

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