I'm Such A Loser
Posted on 25 September 2008
I found out some interesting stuff about myself with this de-tox malarkey. Nothing stunning you understand, I didn’t wake up in hell and decide to pull the arms one of Lucifers more vertically challenged helpers whilst grinning inanely, but interesting stuff nevertheless.
Let me cut to the chase for those of you that just want to know how I got on. I didn’t do what I said I would do. There, now you know what kind of life coach I am. You could say I failed, I quit, I jibbed out (for you Brits) or any other colloquialism you care to use for the word failure.
Before I set off defending my reprehensible behavior let me just say thanks to those of you that e-mailed me with messages of support, encouraging words and offers of beer. They were all very much appreciated.
So what went wrong then you might be thinking? Actually nothing, nothing at all.
At the 2-week stage I posted that things were going well, but that I was bored and didn’t feel any different. A couple of people suggested I keep going because otherwise I may harm my self-esteem and erode my confidence in my own ability to stick to a promise. Some others said that 2 weeks wasn’t really long enough to get the full effects of a de-tox and that made a certain amount of sense.
At first I thought the former was a good point and even advice I may give a client under similar circumstances. However, after careful thought I started to realize it wasn’t true at all for me. My self-esteem isn’t shaky and I have confidence that I can do what I put my mind to if I have sufficient motivation and actually want to do it.
This started to get fascinating (to me) because I was starting to shift the way I looked at motivation. As I have said many times before, I don’t believe in will power, it’s a myth. What I do believe in though is motivation.
Let me explain. If you are a smoker and you’re healthy, young and single and enjoy smoking, you’re unlikely to quit. It’s not because you lack will power necessarily, but because you lack the requisite motivation or reason to quit. After all you’ve listened to the ever-young Roger Daltry and you’re hoping to die before you get old anyway
If on the other hand you’re 55, married with kids and unfit there will be a great deal more motivation or leverage present to quit. If you then have a heart attack and your doctor warns you “Quit or die” you’ll have more motivation than you can shake 3 sticks. a cute ferret and your booty at.
When I talk to clients about changing behaviors like smoking or losing weight I suggest a cookie cutter approach that incorporates lots of elements that will appeal in varying degrees to different personality types.
One aspect is to force yourself into a corner by telling the whole world what you’re going to do so that you find it difficult to back down. It’s sound advice for a lot of people (especially those stubborn types that hate to give in), but it’s superfluous to some others and I happen to be a member of that merry band of self-development weirdo’s.
My main reason for changing diet was to give me more energy early on in the day. I am terrible at getting out of bed and struggle to do anything other than check e-mails, read about the latest catastrophe that has befallen The St Louis Rams and scratch my nether regions first thing in the morning. As I started to reflect on this experiment it dawned on me that I’d ALWAYS been like this.
I used to swim a lot in my 20’s and every now and then I’d get up early to go before work. It was seldom anything other than an exercise in futility, quite literally. My body just didn’t work very well at that time of day. My times were consistently much slower than if I swam in the afternoon or evening and instead of feeling invigorated afterwards I felt knackered (to coin another lovely old English phrase).
The same goes for the any form of exercise I have ever done since, I have always struggled early in the morning and it’s one of the reasons why you’ll not catch me at the gym before Regis & Kelly has finished.
There have been lots of blogs and self-development types preaching with evangelical gusto about getting up earlier and making the most out of the day. Great advice for a lot of people, but a rather dogmatic approach that misses the point that some people aren’t designed that way. One of the most difficult things with coaching is getting out of your own head and aligning with a client and using their map of the world. This completely fails to do that and originates in the more traditional forms of sports coaching.
So just past the half way stage I started wondering what I was trying to achieve. I had no cravings for any of the things I cut out. In fact, I didn’t miss soda, red meat, candy or white flour at all. I was surprised that avoiding alcohol wasn’t an issue either. I missed wine with a couple of nice meals we had, but wasn’t craving a beer at the end of the day.
The gym and meditation was a breeze as I suspected they would be and I never got the expected caffeine hangover from hell I’m pleased to say. I think a week of de-caf helped though as there are trace amounts of caffeine that may have allowed me to withdraw slowly.
I have now decided it would make more sense to make lifestyle changes that I can implement long-term and believe in, rather than push myself to do something that I really have no desire to do. After all, I’m always telling people that they have to want to change, not want to want to and this was a classic case of me wanting to want to.
So there you have it, I didn’t get it done. I don’t feel in the least bit bad (the title was tongue-in-cheek) about it and I hope you don’t either. My self-esteem is intact and I wasn’t tempted to lie to you or partake in any self flagellation (well maybe just on Saturdays and special occasions). I know that Life Coach’s are occasionally held up as beacons of light by some, but trust me, we have the same human frailties as everybody else.
I took a lot from it and as such I know that I can instigate some wanted change and move forward slightly sheepishly, but also with my head high.
Are you disappointed in me? Are you thinking, “Pah, what a fraud, he’s the black sheep of the coaching industry (I think that’s enough sheep analogies for one post) and should be flogged to within an inch of his life” If so, let me know, I can take it.
Link Love:
I want to link through to one of my favorite blog posts of the last month or so. Go and read Rita’s hilarious and gutsy post about how she got her book published.
I found the Fluent Self site through Kelly at She-Power. Still getting into it, but I really like the authors style and humor. Check it out.
Self-indulgence time: My wife (and no, I’m not married to a horse before anybody asks) is raising money for the Children’s Miracle Network with a sponsored horse ride soon. I NEVER ask for donations for this blog even though a lot of bloggers do. If you like all this free stuff and you could manage to spare the price of a Latte to help out, you would be a star in my eyes. It goes without saying, do NOT feel obliged, I’ll still love ya ;-)
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Comment by Jenny Mannion on 25 September 2008:
Hey Tim,
I’m not disappointed in you at all! In fact I am proud you have what it takes to come out and share all your lessons learned. We all have different sleeping rhythms and while some (like me) function much better before 9AM some others are much better later in the day or at night. FINDING out what works for you is the key. Good for you for making public your intentions and the results. Now go have a beer and celebrate — you learned valuable life lessons and THAT is never something to be sorry for. Life coach or not you are human and if you were some kind of robotron I feel that would make you much less appealing. Cheers Tim! Is this the fun weekend coming up? Have a blast! Love, Jenny
Comment by Style Meals on 25 September 2008:
You can either be a sore loser or you can lose gracefully. Style Meals
Comment by Evelyn Lim on 25 September 2008:
Huh??? I was expecting to read that you’ve emerged a much stronger and healthier person from all the goals that you’ve listed!!
Ok, I must agree that you’ve got a point there. If you find that you are just not designed to wake up early and it does not hurt you a bit, why bother to make a change? You’d be stressing your system.
I’m also glad to learn that meditation was a breeze for you. Many people claim to be unable to commit or do quiet sittings for years. Good for you!!
Comment by Kimmy on 26 September 2008:
Hi Tim. I’ve been reading your posts for a couple of weeks now and I love your writing style. Good on you for giving this (detox) a go. It is interesting the things we can learn about ourselves when we try to do something new.
Thanks for sharing
:)Kim
Comment by Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome on 26 September 2008:
Very cool on the realization - when I do detoxes I’m totally craving stuff especially wheat and sugar - and I *know* I’m addicted to them. But as you say, I don’t have the motivation to stop right now. I’m getting by well enough as is. ;)
Comment by Evan on 26 September 2008:
Hi Tim,
Well, here I go crossing a new frontier in offensiveness, telling you that I think you are wrong about you.
You talk about pushing yourself to do what you really have no desire to do. To me it looks a lot like some part of you wanted to do it. What does ‘really’ mean here?
It seems to me that one part of you wanted one thing and another part of you wanted another.
I’m pushing the boundaries I know. But I do think that there was a reason you had for going in to the de-tox in the first place; and it would be valuable to know what it was.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 26 September 2008:
@ Jenny - Thanks for that. The weird thing about coaching is that it’s always work in progress and some people don’t understand that. I spoke to a lady the other day that wants to be a coach, but thought she had to have all her own emotional ducks in a row before she could start. If that were always the case there’d be nobody working in the coaching and counseling arenas!
@ Evelyn - To be fair I knew the meditation wouldn’t be a problem because I’ve been doing it regularly for about 2 years, so that was a little bit of a cheat ;-)
@ Kimmy - Thanks a lot for the feedback and also reading my blog!
@ Alex - That made me think of the scene in ‘Love & Death’ with Woody Allen and Diane Keaton repeating the word Wheat. I went to look for it on YouTube and couldn’t find that particular scene but found some classic Woddy Allen stand up http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmnLRVWgnXU&feature=related
@ Evan - That takes me back to the brilliant family therapits Virginia Satir’s work on parts.
I agree that some part of me did want to stick with it, but some part of me wants to got for a nap now, but I’m not going to do it. A lot of what we do offers up conflicting emotions and we end up compromising, such is life.
Today would have been the last day and I can honestly say if you offered me the chance to be here now in a state of complete de-toxishness, I wouldn’t take it.
Comment by Cath Lawson on 26 September 2008:
Hi Tim - I think you did long enough. I did the Carol Vorderman detox for a week, wondering how the hell she is able to manage it for two months a year. Then it occurred to me - she makes a fortune from doing it and I don’t.
Comment by Linda Johnson on 26 September 2008:
Detox. Grimace. Once I drank some cranberry juice, does that count?
Eating DOES have a lot to do with will power. I am strong willed, and if I want to eat it, I WILL. Only when the motivation for the rewards of not eating it are stronger than the will to eat it do I pass it up. About 30 pounds worth I passed up this year. Motivation: To be a cute, healthy old lady.
Tim, I enjoyed your honesty, and I do believe that stopping when you realized there were no benefits shows more inner hoo-ha than keeping on keeping on just so you could say you did.
Thanks, Blabbergirl
(Linda Johnson)
Comment by Tom Volkar / Delightful Work on 26 September 2008:
Just continue to be real like you always have been. Really who cares? You’re a good read and that’s why I return to see what you’re up to. You make an excellent point about motivation yet even that only works some of the time.
Comment by Diana on 26 September 2008:
Disappointment? I don’t think so. Instead, I applaud you!
Comment by Tim Brownson on 26 September 2008:
@ Cath - Carol Vorderman??? She’s so straight it’s untrue. I bet she was mercilessly bullied and ridiculed at school. Not that I condone that kind of outrageous behavior, but in her case I’ll make an exception ;-)
@ Linda - Cranberry juice certainly does count. Well done you that must have been tough, very tough indeed. Thanks for your support!
@ Tom - I think the motivation things works 90%+ of the time although I agree with severe addictions it can be useless.
@ Diana - Thank you! I accept your applause or any applause I can get for that matter.
Comment by Robert A. Henru on 26 September 2008:
Hi Tim,
recently I went through a program which taught me about will power. They lead us through stop-blinking exercise. What I found wrong about motivation is that how we often to search for it, read books, listen to motivational audio, etc.
Zig Ziglar got a quote on motivation, sharing that it’s like bathing/taking a shower, and we need to take it daily. I just learned that we need to have something that last longer, not to be addicted to motivation.
Don’t you think sometimes we just have to do it. We have to have will power to motivate ourselves to keep going (read: making actions) and not only searching for motivation.
My-2-cents,
Robert
It’s my opinion, please share your thought.
Comment by Laurie on 27 September 2008:
Am I disappointed? No. It doesn’t bother me. I wouldn’t have given up all that stuff in the first place. You did get me to think. Remember when you wrote the post about seeing the 78 year of surfer chick? Well, you de-tox and thinking about that post inspired me to play the movie of my life forward. I want to be a 78 year old surfer chick, at least when I am 78. I though that in order to do that then, I have to prepare now. SO this past week I made a commitment to start to work out. I play racquetball anyway but this week, I started weight training. I figure I won’t be strong when I am old if I don’t start now. SO thanks for the posts to ponder. I am now motivated! :O)
Comment by Bamboo Forest on 27 September 2008:
“This started to get fascinating (to me) because I was starting to shift the way I looked at motivation. As I have said many times before, I don’t believe in will power, it’s a myth. What I do believe in though is motivation.”
I think will power can sometimes get the wheels turning. For example, some steps may be necessary in order to generate the desired motivation. Those initial steps may be like climbing a hill, and akin to will power. What follows, is hopefully an increased level of motivation.
I think though, that to narrow it down to will power alone, is over simplistic. Often, I think it’s about making a concept more than just a passing thought, but something deeply instilled. For example… Someone may want to lose weight, but may not be willing to stop eating poorly.
They need to instill upon themselves that the food really isn’t worth the price. And that the food really isn’t creating the fulfillment they think it is. The act of making that concept go from merely a thought to a connection between the mind and heart, may require hard work. Aka, will power. When a concept becomes a deep understanding, it is then we begin to act. But making it a deep understanding can take lots of work.
I do find the subject of self discipline, very interesting. Always have.
I agree with you about the notion that being an early riser is best for everyone. I think it’s best for some and not others.
Comment by JerseyGuy on 27 September 2008:
I’ve always liked the wisdom expressed in the following…
My Declaration of Self-Esteem
by Virginia Satir (1916-1988)
I am me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me.
Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine because I alone chose it.
I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my voice, and all my actions whether they be to others or to myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own all my triumphs and successes, and all my failures and mistakes.
Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. And by so doing I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts.
I know there are aspects of myself that puzzle me, and there are aspects of myself that I do not know. But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later, some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest and invent something new for that which I discarded.
I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore I can engineer me.
I am me and I am okay.
From the book by Virginia Satir, Self Esteem, Celestial Arts: California, 1975.
Comment by Steve Errey on 27 September 2008:
Always good to hear a coach talk about the fact that they’re as much of a flawed human being as the next guy. We still drop the toast butter side down, after all. I guess the difference is that we sometimes know what to do with all of those bits and bobs that buzz around and how to cut through the crap.
More power to ya Tim!
Comment by Tim Brownson on 27 September 2008:
@ Robert - I actually stick by what I said. Take the staring exercise as an example. Sure you can say it was all about will power, but equally you can say it was about motivation. You needed to be motivated to want to do it. Even when we do things we don’t want to there has to be a motivating factor, otherwise we wouldn’t do it. A lot of this is semantics imho.
@ Laurie - Excellent! What we do today is practice for tomorrow. Fortunately I’m in ST Louis about to go out for a few drinks with friends, which is exactly what I intend to do tomorrow too! ;-)
@ BF - I hear what you’re saying and again as I said to Robert I think a lot of this is semantics. However, with the weight loss thing I don’t care how much will power the person has it’s doubtful if the right motivation/reason for change isn’t present, that they will succeed.
@ JerseyGuy - That’s a great passage and I love Virginia Satir. I have a great 10 cd set of her training and her astounding caring and loving personality shines through every cd. An amazing lady, thanks for posting that.
@ Steve - Thanks a lot. I agree 100%. We make the same errors as everybody else, it’s just that we may pick up on a tad quicker and usually know what to do about it. Thanks for dropping by.
Comment by Evan on 27 September 2008:
Re self-discipline: What/Who is it that disciplines the self?
Comment by Urban Panther on 29 September 2008:
I have never understood the whole de-tox concept. If you are eating healthfully for the most part, why go on an extreme form of eating, only to return to your healthfully for the most part way of life afterwards. Just carry on as is! BTW, if a Life Coach is set up as a shining beacon of perfection, then I don’t think they are a very good life coach. Life is NOT perfection.
Comment by Melissa on 29 September 2008:
Self-flaggellation? I thought that’s what I was for? *gets upset*
Thank you, for being honest with us.(and not just because you knew we wouldn’t be all that upset) I almost want to be upset just to make it harder for you, but I can’t. You’re too damn honest, and made it a good lesson for the rest of us.
I am not a morning person. I could have told you that some people just aren’t meant to get up early and function. My boyfriend and I are both prime examples of that. Joe has to be at work at six am, and doesn’t really have any brain patterns until after eight, maybe nine o’clock. (I worked at the same place for a while, and I was worse.) He comes home feeling more beat up than he should, just because he wasted all his energy trying to be a morning person.
I agree with Urban Panther, Life is not perfection, and I think it would make someone feel worse than better that their life coach was perfect.
Comment by chris on 29 September 2008:
When I teach instead of changing my students, I try to find or use my students’ best learning style. This has been a very successful formula for me. I like the fact that you stay away from the cookie cutter style of coaching…As always I do appreciate your witticism.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 29 September 2008:
@ Evan - After a weekend of hedonism in St Louis (well maybe not quite hedonism) I think my head would explode of I tried to answer that one!
@ Urban Panther - That’s a good point, I always counsel clients not to seek perfection, so why should I be any different? The de-tox thoroughly bit the dust this weekend in every conceivable way ;-)
@ Melissa - That doesn’t mean to say I couldn’t do with a bit more ‘correcting’
@ Chris - I think that is *exactly* what good teachers do and I doubt there is a better formula quite frankly.
Comment by Leanne Magraith | Forever Change on 2 October 2008:
Hi Tim
I think this was an excellent “experiment” (that is not quite the word I am looking for but I hope you know what I mean). I for one gained useful insights from you sharing your experiences. I appreciate your honesty and a couple of takeaway points from this for anyone wanting to implement lifestyle changes is to be honest with yourself about what you want/your intentions and that you don’t have to be perfect.
Comment by Davina on 2 October 2008:
Hi Tim. I think some other form of “detox” was going on here. And I loved your phrase “…merry band of self-development weirdo’s…” LOL :-)
This shows how excellent of a life coach you are! You took some steps to find out what direction might be best and instead you found another direction. As we narrow down our options the path becomes more direct.
Thank you for sharing this part of your journey.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 4 October 2008:
@ Leanne - I’m just reading Steve Pavlina’s book and he starts off by talking about the need to be honest with oneself. I agree wholeheartedly with that.
@ Davina - Thanks a lot for that feedback!